


Book One of Greys - Intentions

by Teacollard



Category: Original Work
Genre: Action, Action/Adventure, Angels, Dark, Dark Fantasy, Demons, F/M, Fallen Angels, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-16 17:11:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 36
Words: 183,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8110660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teacollard/pseuds/Teacollard
Summary: Jordan hoped there was more, more to life, more to the world. She hoped she had a purpose.Everything about her life was too monotonous and meaningless. It was driving her insane. Until one day a strange trio appear in her town. As she discovers more and more of what she always dreamed was true, she learns that evil isn't just in fairy-tales and the life of a warrior is painful and cruel. There's no glamour in living to protect Heaven's interests and still burning when you die. And if you already know where you're going, do your choices really matter? Is there a right and wrong, black and white? Or is it all just varying greys?Hate, betrayal, loyalty and love, everything has a price, but the highest is knowledge. What will you pay?





	1. Chapter 1

**You say you need a greater purpose.**

**I say you need to see what’s coming.**

**The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.**

_In Fear and Faith – The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions_

 

I jerked awake from the latest of the many micro-naps I’d inadvertently taken that morning. As always on Sundays, I was up much too early, trying to ignore my internal clock from allowing me to doze at my register and silently swearing at each smelly, doughy customer who felt the need to buy smokes so damn early. A typical day at my typical job in my typical life in this typical world. I hated it. I hated this morning just like I hated every morning just like I hated the convenience store I worked at. I hated the store all the way from its chipped grey tiles that probably used to be white to the water-stained, blotched ceiling that looked about ready to cave in. I hated the sad excuse for a town all the way from the seemingly endless dry, broken cornfields that were its livelihood to the dollar store that was its epicenter. I hated it all, but most of all, I hated my own role in it.

I stared at the ceiling as I tried to stuff down the feeling and continued my ritual of counting the moldy, dilapidated tiles for the third time, spinning the ring on my pinky and hoping I’d get the same number as one of my earlier attempts. I seemed to always come up with slightly different answers each roll call I tried and it was beginning to frustrate me. Everything frustrated me. Life itself frustrated me. A group of seasonal workers entered, disrupting my count once again. They chattered away and grabbed their usual breakfast staples before filing in front of my register. I preferred this group to the 'regulars' I got most mornings. At least these customers wouldn’t try to talk to me, to act like I was their buddy just because I was forced to see their unappealing faces every damn morning. A whopping four minutes later I was alone again.

After I had counted the ceiling tiles, floor tiles and all the coins in my drawer a few more times, I gave up trying to outwardly entertain myself and turned inward. This was my favorite pastime anyways, the only place I could be free from the restraints of my pitiful, typical, frustrating life. I closed my eyes and tried to picture my favorite place. Immediately there was cool ground beneath my feet and summer grass tickled my bare toes. Shades of jade and olive prevailed even though the world seemed to have been plated in silver by the moon’s eerie light. The smell of damp earth and vegetation surrounded me and slowly I began to sink deeper into my fantasy.

I was standing in a field of soft grass. Small colorful flowers were in full bloom, dotting the ground like vibrant spots on a quilt. It was a bright night and the full moon shed its glow with pride, coating the world and giving it a mystical glimmer. I could almost feel the warm, summer breeze weave through my fingers and around my ankles. There were woods surrounding the field, my woods. The quiet dark was so peaceful, so full and so deep, I could feel the tension of the world I was caged in begin to slowly thaw and melt away. Across the moonlit field, the shadows of the trees bled onto the ground like frozen, inky waves. The branches stretched up, reaching for the stars, only a few inches away from plucking one of the brilliant sparks out of the velvet canvas above. I gazed up and let the vastness of the sky calm me, the stillness of the air. Each star looked so small, just a pinprick of light. I wondered how much more there was out there. I wished there was more out there. Suddenly I got the feeling I wasn’t alone. Someone was there, just beyond the cover the branches provided, watching me, waiting for something.

I opened my eyes, a cold knot coiled in my chest like a core of ice pulsing against my bones, burrowing its way deeper, to a more permanent resting place. The woods had vanished and I was back in my grungy store, nothing magical or serene in sight. I had felt the uncanny feeling of being watched a lot lately, and now it was even creeping into my fantasies, in my private memories of a place I had never taken anyone. It felt oddly invasive that even my personal sanctuary wasn’t my own. I breathed in the musty air of my shop and resigned that I was probably just imagining it. I had always been the paranoid type. I absently wondered if I had some mental disorder related to paranoia. I doubted others’ minds were as fucked as my own.

The door’s shrill bell rang and I was pulled out of my thoughts. I mumbled a greeting to the squat, fleshy-faced man who entered as he made a beeline for the donut case. He either didn’t hear me or ignored me and my greeting was left awkwardly hanging in the air, unanswered. He reminded me of a large bug, with eyes that protruded so far I could almost imagine them falling out of their shallow sockets and rolling across the dusty floor, gathering crumbs and stray hairs if I startled him. He would be a fly if he were a bug, the way he flitted around the donut case made me sure of it. I hated flies,  they were one of the few creatures on Earth I loathed. I turned back to the front doors and switched my thoughts. Instead of visualizing myself squishing the fly-man, I began dreaming of a world full of magic.

I had always been drawn to the idea of the impossible, creatures from myths, fantasy, delusion. Whatever you wanted to call it, I had always wished they were real. I had always wished there was more to life than what I saw. I wished there was more meaning. Living and dying with nothing to show for your existence but paystubs and prodigy just seemed such a waste. Everything and everyone bored me. Even love, every warm-blooded female’s ultimate dream didn’t excite me. After all, I didn’t dream of my fairytale wedding, just the fairytale.

Sometimes I wished I lived in one of my epic novels, pitted against a villainous movement headed by an evil warlock with plans of darkness and domination. Maybe I just wanted excitement, something to free me from my dreary, monotonous life. Or maybe I wanted a chance to prove that I wasn’t the villain, or crazy, that I could be the hero and show people that I was good, something they didn’t have to fear. Maybe even something I didn’t have to fear. I assume everyone has the wonder, deep down, of which side they would fall; good or evil, light or dark? Everyone is probably afraid of themselves a little bit, on some level. Everyone probably wonders what they’re capable of, what horrors they could commit. It couldn’t just be me.

The bug-eyed man chose his latest attempt at heart disease. A powdered, frosted, jelly-filled abomination with sprinkles that practically screamed ' _let me clog your arteries!'._ I handed him his change and attempted a smile, but he was already turning away. I wished I could squish him. He would probably be one of those juicy flies that left a wet mark on the surface you crushed him against, and a snapping, grinding noise in the air, like stepping on sand. I smiled as I thought of swatting him against the ground, hearing his bones crack and crumple against its hard surface. I watched silently as the fat fly-man flitted away with a smirk on my face.

I leaned back on the counter then and started to piece through my latest dream, reaching for anything to keep my mind busy and off of the numerous ways I could kill each customer that came in. I wasn’t a psychiatrist, but I assumed fantasizing the murder of strangers wasn’t a healthy pastime.

My dreams had always been strangely vivid, especially this one, something about a dark creature I didn’t quite understand. Something I was drawn to but afraid of. I remembered being consumed with the need to find the thing, while still terrified of what would happen once I did. I wished the dream was real, even though I was pretty sure it had been more of a nightmare than a dream for the majority of the night.

I tried to remember how it had ended as I made a round through the store, checking to make sure nothing was too far out of place. I never was much for cleaning the grimy hovel, it was a lost cause, but I certainly did keep it organized. Alphabetizing, color-coordinating and categorizing every possible piece of retail helped take up time. The chip aisle was fairly ordered, so were the candy and grocery sections, probably because no one had been in them since I had last checked. Automotive was still perfect from my earlier sweep with different grade oils lined up neatly with their neighbors. The coffees were full, floors fairly clean, or at least not so bad that I would get in trouble for not mopping, even the lighters were still in the same color-patterns I had put them in last week. I had no idea how this place could still possibly be open, let alone making any money. I ended my round back behind the counter not even two minutes later.

The fluorescents and tacky red and yellow paint job made me think of an old McDonalds, before they had become all ‘artsy’. The front counter was so cluttered I could barely fit my arms down to make a pillow for myself. I laid my head down anyways, hoping to drift back into my forest, or at least another half-nap when suddenly I felt it again, the innate sixth sense that forewarns you when someone is watching. But this was a touch different, almost heavier, deeper, closer? Somehow this time the feeling was almost visible, like a fog settling on my skin, running its chill down my arms, making my fingers tingle and the pit of ice in my chest beat harder, urgently. I had always been suspicious of the world around me, of every person I passed on the sidewalk, and maybe this was just the next step in my paranoia, maybe I was finally losing it, seeing things, feeling things. I glanced around but no one had been in the store since the bug with the death-wish donut. I laid my head on the counter and finally surrendered to the headache pounding behind my eyes, hoping my paranoia was just a side effect from my cheap date with a bottle of red the night before.

The entrance bell trilled and I looked up to see a strange group walk in. Considering my decrepit store was on the outskirts of a rural college town, the normal adults-under-30 that came through usually fit into one of three pre-constructed categories quite neatly. There were the mid-morning, hung-over zombies with blood shot eyes, searching in a rather deranged way for orange juice and headache pills. The hipsters who traveled in packs with their mismatched outfits and funny little. And lastly the late-night obliterated collegians on the hunt for more chaser or booze, stumbling over the displays and attempting to get a phone number out of me as they cheesily smiled and dropped cliché pick-up lines. This group was distinctly different. None of my previous categories fit them. In fact I couldn't think of any category that would fit them. They didn’t walk in loudly laughing over some presumably dirty joke or dragging their feet with hunched shoulders and hung heads, but rather purposefully and alert.

The first to enter was a woman, mid-twenties, with straight, glossy, black hair cascading halfway down her back. It seemed motionless behind her as she drifted through the doors, as if she didn’t even disturb the air. She had a cat-like grace, from her light steps to her round green eyes. I found myself in awe of her and kicking myself for not pursuing a more graceful hobby in my teen years, like ice-skating or dance. She was breathtakingly beautiful, with the kind of body most girls would hate her for, all petite and slender. She was probably five foot six or seven with long legs that were so slim I could almost see her jetéing and chasséing across the floor in a tutu and silken shoes. Her skin was such a unique color caramel I couldn’t tell what ethnicity she was, maybe somewhere African, Middle Eastern? It was impossible to tell. Seeing someone who so closely resembled a high-fashion model strutting through the cramped, grungy aisles of my store looked almost comical, like putting an angel in the middle of a muddy corn field during a thunder storm.

The model had dark, tight jeans on, shiny stilettos that made me feel acrophobic and dizzy just looking at them, a white tank that showed off her small waist and a black blazer, left unbuttoned. She walked with a slight air, her chin held just a touch too high, her eyes managing to look both disinterested and annoyed. Something about her told me she had been told by countless men that she was gorgeous and now didn’t see it as a compliment, merely a fact. I wondered if I only felt that way because I knew she would outshine me even if I had an entire professional team and she just a flatiron and tube of mascara.

Practically on cue, she glanced to me and I could almost hear her judgment. With my messy bed-head I hadn't bothered brushing pulled into a bun by a rubber band along with my wrinkled mustard-yellow work shirt that hadn’t been washed in over a week all that was visible above the counter, I figured I probably looked about as attractive as a dandelion amongst lilies. Her sharp glance might as well have been audible.

_Just the cashier, probably a drop-out. Stupid, poor, filthy._

I quickly looked away to prevent myself from sneering at her dismissal of me, my boss had already warned me that ‘one more conduct infraction would lead to my termination’. Instead of losing my job I focused on the second member of the group. He had long, choppy black hair that swept across his forehead, partially covering his eyes. He looked a good part Asian, maybe half. The kind that gets only the best features from both parents, creating a blend of ethnicities more beautiful than the best of any single one. His eyes had a kind of almond shape that I’m sure made girls stop in their tracks and take a second glance. His lashes were so dark and thick, it almost looked like makeup and with his big, black combat boots, dark-stained jeans and leather jacket, I wouldn’t put eyeliner past him.

If his gorgeous eyes didn’t get the girls’ cheeks blushing, his bad-boy look and badder-boy build certainly would have. He had his lip pierced twice, snakebites, and small gauges in his ears that curved into a tribal shape that finished his look off well. I had personally always been partial to snakebites, to darker looks, anything but the country boys my little town seemed to mass produce. He was certainly attractive in a gothic, ill-adjusted sort of way. Hopefully he lived up to his style.

He was a bear of a man, midway between six and seven feet tall, with broad shoulders and a chest I expected was like the steel gleaming from beneath his lips. I liked pretty things, and this man was the prettiest I had seen in a long time. He was certainly my type, and I was sick of being bored. I made the almost unconscious decision to get his number, or to get him to ask for mine. Men had always been easy for me to work, and even easier to read. Maybe I could get a week or so out of him before he bored me, or got too clingy, too predictable, maybe a little longer if he was as rough as his looks suggested. Maybe he was violent. I loved violence, something exciting to break up the layers of ice that covered my mind most days, numbing it, to sweep away the dust of sameness that seemed to dull everything.

He looked up and I caught his eye, I gave a little smile and winked. I personally thought ‘the wink’ was overtly obvious and asinine, but guys always went for it. It was like shooting fish in a barrel…with a machine gun. I could see him silently size me up; his eyes dropped to my chest, then my waist and finally back up to my face, basically everything that was visible above the counter. He shot me a mischievous smile and his eyes practically moaned his agreement. I had always been the type men found more attractive than women. Probably because I didn’t put much effort into it. Females liked effort, expected it, and I didn’t put much effort into anything. I just didn’t see the point. Apparently apathy mixed with a little forward confidence and a warm body were irresistible to men, at least the kind I went for.

As I continued to picture what I assumed would be a fairly enjoyable night with the damnably cute Asian, the last of the group walked in and wiped any thought of the goth-man from my mind. He had been holding the door for the others, and I hadn’t noticed him until he stepped out from behind it. He was slightly younger than the first two companions. Maybe twenty-four I’d guess, if my legal-age radar I had fine-tuned from serving college students was functioning properly. He was tall, a full head taller than me, and I had always been tall for a woman, just shy of five nine. He wore a short sleeved, dark grey t-shirt, dark jeans and grey running shoes. He looked in shape without the unneeded bulk. A lean, quick strength that I assumed would make both his Asian-goth-bear and runway-model-cat friend look turtle-esque. He had disheveled, dull blond hair that curled and hung in his face a little, as if the damp morning fog outside had weighed it down, grey-blue eyes and mildly attractive features, but nothing to blush and bat my eyes at. In fact, besides his athletic build, he didn’t seem to fit in with his wildly attractive friends. There was something about him that was unique though, something interesting that the others didn’t seem to possess. It piqued my interest but I couldn’t quite place it.

As soon as his foot broke the invisible barrier separating the outside world from my store, I figured out what it was. Even if  he wasn’t physically stunning, his presence was electric. I felt as if I was touching a live wire, like my skin was on fire. I felt dizzy. His current hit me like a wave, covering me completely and making me feel the need to take a step back. My chest felt tight and my skin prickled. I could feel my pulse race and it made the room seem to slowly turn. The feeling almost reminded me of the jolt you feel when adrenaline pumps into your veins. It was like my body recognized his presence even before I knew what there was to recognize. My legs would have given out if it weren’t for my vice grip on the counter, my knuckles turned white as they pushed against its ledge. He entered without even glancing at me, not a judging look like his supermodel friend, not a lustful up-down like the goth; he just walked in, eyes smoothly sweeping the store as if he expected something sinister to be lurking in one of our corners.

I’ll admit, I watched him, stalked him, as he walked around the store with his followers. Even though he had been the last to enter he had somehow materialized at the front of the group. He walked leading the other two with a lazy, confident gait that seemed dangerous to me. Maybe it wasn’t his walk, maybe it was just him that seemed dangerous. I felt on edge, then again, that could be attributed to my pounding heart threatening to burst from my ribcage and escape my body, the adrenaline that was hissing through my veins or the almost painful vibrating tingle I felt across my skin. He reminded me of a predator, feigning inattentiveness, but his calculated gaze when he had first entered gave him away. He was clearly the boss of this strange group.

Almost as if he could feel my eyes on him, he glanced toward the front counter. I hastily looked down and spun the thin ring I always wore on my smallest finger in an attempt to look busy for a few seconds before I peeked up to check that he wasn’t still looking at me. He wasn’t. Instead his eyes were staring out the front windows, like he had heard something. His brow held a slight line now, like he was concentrating on something outside but I couldn’t imagine what, there were no cars in the parking lot besides the black SUV with tinted windows I assumed was theirs. His eyes seemed a deeper blue than before, the grey completely gone, replaced by a vibrant, dark navy that’s so rare it seemed unreal. A midnight blue, like deep water or the night sky long after the sun sets. They had an edge to them that seemed cold, but there was also a brightness to them, a sharp intelligence I found beautiful.

The goth veered off towards the bathroom while the supermodel and leader walked to the cooler and grabbed three waters. Suddenly the model looked over, catching me obviously staring and said something to the leader. His hair looked brighter yellow now, almost like a lion in the sun. That’s exactly what he reminded me of, a prowling lion. All lean muscle, golden, messy hair and a predator’s grin.

Grin?

To my horror I realized I was still staring and he was now staring back, with his eyes so deep and dark I felt like I was being pulled in, drowning in their waters’ cold depths. I felt a jolt of fear. A current ran up my spine and his mouth slowly curved up at one side, displaying a cocky half-smirk. Our eyes met for a full second before I could tear mine away. Realizing what a fool I probably looked, I quickly turned back towards the front door. My hands shaking as I fiddled with my ring once more. I had a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach, like something was wrong, or something inside was trying to be outside, probably my breakfast.

As I was mentally kicking myself for blatantly staring at the leader, the goth emerged from the bathroom and rejoined his group. I heard his heavy boots start to drum towards the front at about the same time I began to wish I didn’t always work alone. Even though I normally preferred to work my shifts solo, which is why I had agreed to the opening hell-shift position in the first place, this situation was a clear exception. I wanted nothing more than to hide in the backroom, to barricade myself out of view. I wondered if I’d still be able to feel the golden customer’s electricity from a room away.

The woman appeared in my line of vision first, which was quite narrow, considering I was stiffly staring straight ahead. She set down her water, said “three of them” in a silky feminine voice that matched her feline look perfectly and dropped a twenty on the counter. The goth and lion were behind her now and when I glanced up I was met by a pair of deep blue, mocking eyes bearing down on me. The feeling of fear crept back into the shadowed corners of my mind and even though I knew it was ridiculous, it felt like he was doing it on purpose, like he was somehow making me afraid, enjoying it even. I had the sturdy feeling that he was putting the fear in me somehow. Whatever he was doing, he was trying to make me look away, submit in some small way. I could almost hear him taunting me.

_Look away, little one, do your job. You don’t want to play with me._

My heart pounded faster as one corner of his mouth pulled up into a half-smirk again, daring me to hold his gaze longer. His arrogant smile made something in me snap and my stubborn streak took hold. I matched his look with a small sarcastic smile of my own, raising my chin slightly to convey the acceptance of his challenge. I forced my eyes to exude the same confidence as his and lifted one eyebrow a fraction.

_Your move._

He didn’t look away, so neither did I. I handed the change to the model without sparing her a glance, still holding my small smile and stare with the predator. It seemed to go on for far too long to be socially acceptable, but I knew I couldn’t quit now. After what seemed an eternity he dipped his head ever so slightly to the side, like the ghost of an old fashioned bow, like he would be tipping his hat if he was wearing one, and his smirk changed a shade. He looked mildly amused as he turned to leave, the glimmer of laughter in his eyes. His nod left a silent compliment hanging in the air.

 _Nice recovery, princess_.

He seemed like the type to frequently sprinkle belittling nicknames into conversation. The Asian looked a little baffled and glanced at the model before shrugging and following the lion out of the store. The model hung back for a second longer and her glare clearly let me know she was not as amused as the lion had been by my little show of boldness. I gave her an overly-exaggerated smile in return.

“Have a great day!” I all but shouted in my best, perkiest customer voice.

I heard the goth let out a short snort of laughter before he was out of earshot. She sneered and turned to leave. A wave of relief rushed over me as the group disappeared. At least I had turned my embarrassing blunder into a confident end.

The rest of my shift dragged by, the clock seemed to be trying to tick through molasses and failing miserably. I had never felt so alive, so energized as when I had seen the lion, when his electricity was coursing through me. So in contrast, I felt dead and dull, even more bored with my mundane life now that I knew how I could feel, all because of him. Him. It's sad that that's all I could call him. That or Lion. I wished I knew his name, but what could I have said, 'Hey there stranger, you remind me of a lion, is your name by chance Simba?'. I'd probably never see him again anyways, and I'd probably never feel his electricity in my veins again.

What I couldn't understand was how someone's presence could affect me in such an enormous way. I had never felt that before and even considering that such a strong physiological response could be due to the proximity of a complete stranger sounded crazy, even to me. And the fear, where had that come from? I couldn’t remember the last time I had been afraid, except in my nightmares. I hadn’t even been afraid of the dark as a child, more like comforted by it, like it was protectively covering me, hiding me from the white hot judging spotlights of the world. Even so, something in me felt like running and hiding when he looked at me with his too-blue eyes, so dark they seemed black at times. I had felt trapped by his strange eyes when they had locked mine from across the store, like I could only look away once he released me. He gave me a unique mixture of curiosity, desire and fear that I had never known before. The curiosity and desire greatly outweighing the fear. I felt drawn to him and the threat he seemed to radiate.

            I came to the same depressing conclusion I normally did when I would daydream or get too deeply caught in some fantasy novel just to realize my world would never be so exciting; I would just have to suffer through sixty or so more years of excruciating boredom and disappointment before I could drop dead and either make it to Heaven or be banished to Hell or cease to exist and no longer have to deal with feeling pulled towards a life that didn't actually exist.

My mind knew that magic, werewolves and the old Nessie didn't exist, but it's as if my body, my being, was still trying to pull my mind into believing silly ideas and fantasies. I had even searched online for any kind of reputable reports of magic, multiple times, but every time the sites were just full of the rantings of some old senile hermit. I would probably end up that way one day, with all the neighborhood kids making up ghost stories about the creepy old woman who never left her house and din-dong-ditching me as initiation into some teen club or gang. Even so, sometimes I felt like my body knew something I didn't, but then I'd just scold myself for thinking myself into such a dismal rut. Each time I thought about things like that it ended the same way, with me depressed and angry at the world for not being more, angry with myself for expecting the world to be something it could never be and once again feeling crazy, like there was something wrong with me because I felt so drawn towards the impossible, the imaginary.

I spent the remainder of my shift consciously trying to keep my mind far away from Lion, his group, magic and the disenchantment of my sorry world. I threw on autopilot, I was there, I worked, rang up customers and politely said hello and goodbye, but I wasn’t really paying attention, everything just happened mechanically. Finally the clock neared the end of my shift and my replacement got there early. I clocked out and walked to my car, feeling even worse than usual, even less than my normal half-alive state of being. Every blonde I saw out of the corner of my eye as I drove home looked like Lion and I had to double take multiple times to be sure he wasn’t sitting on a street bench, or walking along the sidewalk. I felt obsessed. I felt crazy.

I tossed and turned all night. My dreams often made sleeping a strenuous task and my damp sheets each morning attested to this, but this particular night I remember my dream was darker than usual, vile, with strange creatures, not quite human, but not any animal I recognized either. I was running, hiding from something. It felt like I had been my whole life. I was in a city at night but I didn't know the streets I was running through, lamplights and strange shadows swirled by me as I ran. Finally I turned into an alley, too tired to run any more, and cowered against the cold brick of the building, feeling its moisture soak into my shirt and stick to my skin, sending a chill down my spine.

And then there he was, Lion, but he looked different, magnificent, his skin glowed a bronze color perfectly tanned by the sun, his eyes were a deep dark indigo and his face was absolute perfection, all strong lines and straight features. His eyes looked brighter than the streetlights I had run under, regal high cheekbones and a straight mouth, perfection in its purest form. Everything that had seemed dull earlier that day was now heavenly, devastatingly, beautiful. Heightened to be on par with how I imagined Greek gods to look.

He was smiling, not the smirk from the store, but a genuine smile that showed his straight, white teeth and complemented the cut of his jaw, the dim light glancing off of it in an almost ethereal way. His smile reached his eyes and their hard edge was gone, nothing hidden in their shadows, just the breathtaking intelligence I had glimpsed earlier in my store, a bright energy that burned with a passion I had never seen a match to. He had a look of near awe on his face too, of joy and relief, as if he was seeing something he had been searching for, as if he needed me just as much as I knew I needed him. I could tell I was smiling, I felt more than happy, I was ecstatic, elated, emotions I rarely experienced and never at these levels. My joy bubbled up in me and made me feel giddy. I was high on it and it quivered through my chest. I felt that nothing bad could ever happen again, everything would be perfect for the rest of my existence, for I had found him and he had found me.

He said something to me, but our world was on mute, the space between us swallowing up his words. I stepped closer to hear and suddenly his eyes darkened, the warning of danger was back in them, a deep, violent anger that was confident it would be sated. The whites of his eyes seemed to retreat and soon they shrank and disappeared completely, leaving black soulless orbs gazing back at me. His face turned to something depraved and ferocious. He was still overwhelmingly beautiful, but with a fiery, brutal edge that was frightening. He looked like Lucifer himself, I had always heard he was beautiful. His smile was still there but it had morphed into a predator's carnal grin, showing short, pointed teeth. He lunged at me, his arms outstretched, and I could feel them encircle me instantly. He was too quick and too strong for me to run or fight. He held me so tightly I felt crushed, claustrophobic, suffocated. I felt like I was falling, screaming and suddenly I awoke with a start.

I was on the floor of my small apartment’s one bedroom. I stared up at the plain off-white ceiling for a moment to allow myself time to catch my breath, I was practically panting. Eventually I checked the clock as I pawed my way back under the ball of sheets in the center of my mattress and saw it was almost five. Instead of trying to fall back asleep for 15 minutes just to be woken up by my screeching alarm. I turned on the news.


	2. Chapter 2

**There's got to be more than this, I don't want to just exist.**

**As a hollow house for bones, more alone every minute.**

**Wake up, you're sleeping.**

**Wake up, you're sleeping behind the wheel.**

_Senses Fail - Yellow Angels_

There had been a smattering of unsolved murders in the nearest city for the past few weeks and every local news station was salivating at being able to cover such a significant story. Small time stations finally had something to talk about other than cats in trees and the over pricing of commuter’s morning coffees. The anchor on channel five was gravely urging young people, who seemed to be the serial killer's main target, indoors at night. I flipped it off and instead turned on the radio. I'd rather listen to gangsters and thugs mumble to overly emphasized bass about popping someone than see any more crying families on the news. It just reminded me that I was heartless. I didn’t even feel sad for the families, only curious. I wondered what the scene looked like, why the slayer had done it, what was he gaining? How many others had he killed? What did his victims look like when they were looking up at him, knowing they were about to die, what did they see in their killer’s eyes? What did he see when looking at them? What did it feel like?

The only thing I was truly upset about was how the city was getting such a bad rep. I loved the city, especially at night when it was still and mysterious. I hated seeing it on TV like it was somehow evil and should be avoided. I felt protective of it, like I should defend it and remind its citizens that it wasn’t the darkened city’s fault that it had some psychopath running along its streets hacking teenagers to bits. I often walked through the empty streets on warm nights, but my last few walks there had been strange and made me feel more and more paranoid, always thinking I saw a person where there was none, or seeing some impossible movement in the shadows or a distorted face in a passerby. I had stayed away for more than a week just to try and reassure myself that I wasn't crazy. It hadn't been working very well, I was still seeing unexplainable things, or thought I was, at least slivers of them.

When the killing spree first began, I used to find myself walking by the crime scenes, I didn't know why or even notice when I had turned in their direction. I would just find myself there, gazing at where the empty body had been, hours earlier. Where the burden of murder had been lying hours before, violating the city's sewers with its aftermath, wondering what it had been like. I thought there must just be something wrong with me, to draw me to death so calmly. Maybe I was a psychopath too deep down, just like the news was saying the gruesome butcher was, maybe I simply hadn’t done the things he had because I hadn’t had the opportunity yet. Maybe I was a killer too, or something worse.

I had always felt different, always felt drawn to danger and risks, like my midnight walks through a city hunted by a serial killer. I figured this was just because I was sick of being bored in my dull, dry life. Maybe I had a death wish. I had never been afraid of dying, probably because I had never been a huge fan of living, and even if I had been, I rarely felt threatened. Usually the hooded strangers out at night left me alone, it seemed that their instincts told them to stay to the shadows they lurked from. The few who didn’t cower away from me typically changed their minds almost immediately when they stepped out. But then again, most of them were probably tweaked out of their minds, who knows what they thought they saw when they looked at me.

Sometimes I wished they would try something, just once, but I guess even the addicts and muggers knew the glint in my eye wasn’t a bluff. Everyone must feel that way though, begging for danger, pleading with the world to give them a reason to act out their darkest fantasies. I was sure I wasn't the only person who felt black inside. I couldn't possibly be the only person fascinated by pain and suffering, death and torture. I imagine most people had to work as hard as I did to be 'good'. We're all evil creatures. Humans aren't naturally good. So this must be normal, this must be how everyone feels, deep down, they just didn’t admit it to themselves like I did. I assumed that it was an uphill battle every day to be a decent human being for most people, not just me. I had always felt different in many ways, but I was sure that others could turn off their conscience too and just not think about the terrible things they knew they could be capable of without remorse. I convinced myself of this, I had to. Who wants to admit they have to force themselves to be a normal human and not a monster every damn day?

Some days I felt almost normal, some days I didn't. Today I didn't, I felt dark. Maybe I'd walk through the city tonight, dare danger to find me. Maybe I’d taunt a mugger into attacking me, so I could put my delusional belief that I was somehow stronger and more vicious than a hardened criminal to the test. Maybe I really did want to die, to be killed, to be the next person found in some alley, torn up and strewn over a neighborhood by the killer. Maybe deep down, I knew I was bad, evil, broken and I wanted to put myself down. Protect the world from myself and what I would one day inevitably do. Hopefully I wouldn't feel this way all day, maybe work would beat me back into a numb existence and I would be able to leave my self-loathing thoughts behind.

I parked behind my ugly, grey building and tried to gather my willpower. I stared into my visor’s mirror as I attempted to convince myself that this was all there was to life, so I might as well be happy with it. Existence; that’s all there was. But I didn’t want to just exist. I stepped out of my car and slowly began walking towards the store, like a convicted criminal walking to her gallows.

My shift was just as uneventful as expected. No sign of Lion or his pride. I was oddly disappointed, even though I hadn't expected to see them again. They were probably just passing through. I went along with my work rituals of counting the ceiling tiles, playing tic-tac-toe with myself and doing anything else I could think of to stay entertained, but my mind was elsewhere. Eventually my shift ended and I contemplated going to class, instead I drove to the city. There was a particular area where the first victim was found, most of her at least, that I was used to regularly trekking. It wasn't late in the afternoon yet, so I figured it couldn't be too foolish to go for a walk since it wasn’t technically evening yet.

The shadows were long, but the sun was still visible between the buildings, casting a golden glow some places and allowing for black shadows to gather in others. The sun made some of the buildings look on fire, so bright it hurt my eyes, leaving the rest of the shorter buildings in deep grays and blues. The contrast was beautiful, almost as much as the city was at night, with its lampposts shedding their white light on dark streets, futilely trying to chase away the night but only illuminating small circles of pavement like pools of moonlight in my woods back home. It was just before that in-between hour where drivers aren’t quite sure if they need their lights on yet or not. I put in my headphones and started roaming the familiar streets, with the pounding of drums resounding in my ears.

Eventually I found myself in a more shaded neighborhood, near where the most recent dissection had taken place. The news stations had been close to hysterical as this was the first killing that was done in a residential section of the city, with stacked urban apartments on either side of the street the man had been discovered in. I told myself I was just going to walk by and ignore the side street. I even crossed the crowded, narrow avenue so I would be far away from the alley's entrance, but just like a bad car crash, I glanced over and slowed as I passed. It was darker in the alley and I had to squint to see, I could just barely make out some vague shapes and movement. I narrowed my eyes further, curious of who would still be at the scene at this hour. Unlucky rookie officers tasked with the chore of securing the perimeter for another night?

It was then that I noticed _it_. A slight tingle all over my body had been steadily growing stronger, like when your hand prickles after falling asleep. I stopped dead in my tracks. It was him, them. It must be, I couldn't see enough to be positive, but the feeling running over my body was proof enough for me. As I tried to make out which one was Lion, one of the figures looked up and over to where I was across the street. The image seemed to shimmer, almost like I was looking at them through immense heat rising off asphalt or a mirage in the dessert, except it wasn’t a hot day, it was pre-autumn and the temperatures hadn’t passed 75 in weeks.

I felt the same push and pull I had when he had been in my store. A part of my mind was screaming at me to turn and run away, that this wasn’t safe, that _he_ wasn’t safe. It was like I felt an anger coming from the alleyway, the heat of it burned through my mind. I could almost sense that he was the push, and I was the pull. I remembered how it had felt like he was trying to make me back down, to frighten me in the store. I felt the same intimidation now, but stronger, like he was trying to force me away and I was clawing at the pavement, trying to hold my ground. The voice that was begging me to leave, the logical part of my mind that was shrieking a warning was starting to fade, being stifled by something more. I felt irrevocably drawn to him, almost physically pulled to him. The push was losing the battle. All I could think of was that I couldn’t believe I was seeing him again, or at least feeling him again. There was something about him, and I wasn’t going to lose my chance a second time.

I was about to step off the curb towards them, my mind in a trance from its need, when the figure lifted his arm out, palm facing me and a sudden gust of hot, dry air pushed me back, like I had opened an oven. A moment later an inner-city bus flew past. I hadn't even looked at the street to see if any cars were coming. I had felt like no one else existed in the world, as if it was only Lion and me, like the rest of life had melted away and somehow I was alone with him. I looked around and saw the strange looks I was getting from passersbys as I sat on the curb where I had fallen. I looked back to the alley but it was empty. I wasn't surprised.

I remember sitting on the curb for a very long time, trying to find an explanation that satisfied me. Had I just been saved by a lucky breeze? The air had been so hot, it wasn’t like the occasional stubborn warm breezes that often blew between the buildings, funneling themselves along the sidewalks, refusing to give up summer's hold. It had felt like a shove, solid, stronger than any wind I had ever felt before. It looked like the one who had seen me, Lion I assumed, had thrown it at me when he raised his hand. Had he saved me? How was that even possible? What had they been doing in that alley, and if they were on a crime scene, why hadn’t someone made them leave? How had they disappeared so fast? So many things didn’t add up. I finally gave up, found my car and drove home. I felt in a daze. When I got home it was dark out.


	3. Chapter 3

**We're all just running in circles**

**Forever chasing a dream**

**As if everything that we long for**

**Is not as far as it seems**

**Who the hell are you anyway?**

_Asking Alexandria - Circled by the Wolves_

My mind was still thick when I got home, the cool air from my car's open windows apparently not enough to blow the haze from it, but since I had gotten up at such an unholy hour, I figured I could probably fall asleep early. Maybe I’d feel a little better when I woke up. Maybe I’d dream of Lion again. Maybe I’d even remember enough to write about it. I loved writing my dreams, not altering them or trying to have them make sense, just writing them in their rawest form. Sometimes dreams can tell us things, not that Psychoanalytic dream-investigative crap, but just small things about ourselves, about our fears and desires, or the desires we fear. I hoped I would be able to escape into a relaxed dream world. I needed a break.

Unfortunately there was no dreaming. As I stared at my bedroom ceiling with my wheels still spinning from the days happenings, I realized I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I was utterly exhausted. It wasn’t far enough past summer to be unpleasantly cool at night, so I threw on sweats, a dark hoody and running shoes and decided to head out to my favorite trail.

The running trail cut through the mass of woods behind my apartment. I lived in the back corner of my complex, which I enjoyed. Fewer parties there, it was quieter and I had a beautiful view of the shady forest outside my bedroom window. The trail was about three miles long, cutting around groves and gullies. Up and down hills, constantly switched over onto itself, twisting and curving until you were sure you were running in circles. This was one of my favorite places and it was probably the closest to a fantasy novel’s enchanted woods I’d ever get. When I first moved into my apartment I had found the woods a comfort, reminding me of my woods back home, the place from my daydreams. I felt at home here, and I visited often.

The night air filled me with a new energy as I jogged down the sidewalk towards the woods. The moon was just shy of a perfect orb, ghostly and still as it hung low, glowing a bright white that cast long shadows all around me. The white sheen on everything made the world seem a little closer to how I wished it was, almost like the moon’s light gave life to the ordinarily dead surroundings of my neighborhood. I always felt like if there was magic anywhere in the world, it would be in moonlit woods, hiding behind grey trunks or in the shadowy roots of a gnarled old tree.

As I broke through the first line of trees the view was so breathtaking it brought a smile to my lips. Clumps of stubborn green leaves still stuck to the branches high up in the canopy, leaving the ground sprinkled with shimmering pools of moonlight, almost as if there was some unseen lake tranquilly reflecting its light onto the branches and brush. The trees towered over me, nature’s skyscrapers, and their strength and elegance made me think of uniformed soldiers in perfect formation, waiting to strike whenever Mother Nature finally had enough of humans and our blunders and made her move against us. But for now, they just stood dormant, ever watching the world, awaiting their orders.

I took out my ear buds so I could hear the evening noises and my feet dancing over the crisp leaves on the trail. This was one of the few places I felt completely free, like I could just keep running and never have to go back to my monotonous, miserable life. I didn’t feel stifled anymore. Anything could be real in these woods, even if I wanted to pretend the world I dreamt of was true. I felt like I was supposed to do something more than just exist, like there was a purpose larger than mere subsistence. The feeling of freedom was so overwhelming I turned from the trail and began jogging through the brush, dodging trees and bushes as I relished the change in scenery. I put my earphones back in and picked up the pace, losing myself in the music and tempo of my feet.

A few more songs came and went and before I knew it I was beginning to feel winded, complete with the sweet burning deep in my lungs that let me know I’d feel this little run in the morning. I slowed and looked around at the huge trunks of the skyscrapers around me. A little ways off there was a spruce with low hanging branches that stood out from the rest, something I’d be able to scramble up. It was easier than I had anticipated, even though I hadn’t climbed a tree since I was a little girl. The bark was rough, but the knots and abnormalities in the trunk gave me plenty of hand and foot holds. I climbed up a little ways to catch my breath and a new point of view.

The forest seemed even more alluring from my elevated angle. Maybe it was just such a rare level to be at, but I thought the woods looked as serene as a vintage photograph, complete with subdued colors and a restful quality that drew me in. I had never been so far from the trail, so I climbed a few branches higher in hopes of catching a glimpse of my apartment's clearing or a landmark to help me get my bearings and direct me back to the path. It must be getting late and I didn’t want to waste my day-off sleeping until noon, though I couldn’t think of anything productive I needed to do, besides class, but I already had no plans of showing up this week.

Sitting twenty feet up, straddling a comfortable branch, with my back leaned up against the trunk felt absolutely wonderful. I closed my eyes and focused on the fresh scent of the forest, the earthy leaves as they gradually changed to dirt, the sap of the tree that was now sticking to my hoody at my shoulder blades and the overpowering smell of almost-autumn, a smoky, natural scent that’s impossible to accurately describe. The night was so peaceful, so still, suddenly I was having a hard time keeping my mind focused. I was in that timeless space where you can’t tell if your eyes have been closed for seconds or minutes when something woke me from my half-sleep. A rush of adrenaline first made me think I must be falling, but a quick appraisal of my bearings let me know I was still firmly perched on my treetop thrown. Just as I was about to make my way down I heard a noise drift over the brisk air, far off still, but close enough to make me pause and listen harder.

Sure enough, I heard it again, a distant branch snapping under something’s weight. Maybe I’d see a deer, or a coyote or some other wildlife I normally wouldn’t be so close to. I tried to peer through the branches, but I could barely see the ground. The noises started to get louder and more frequent, it sounded like something was running, and not entirely gracefully, in my direction. I noticed it had gotten darker since I had closed my eyes, as if one of the stray clouds in the sky was blocking the moon’s attempt to light the night. Luckily I had always had exceptional night vision, unfortunately I didn’t have x-ray vision and I couldn’t see much of the ground through the dense tangle of needled branches.

The noise was almost right beneath me now and as I looked down I saw a tiny glint of moonlight on something metal but nothing more. I could hear heavy masculine breathing that ruled out wildlife but the hardy branches and multitude of green was still blocking my view.

Suddenly a cool feminine voice said, “Gotcha,” and the heavy breathing halted momentarily.

“God Nev, you scared me. How are you always so damn quiet?” The voice that answered was deep, with a sprinkle of playfulness in it that made my lips quirk up on impulse.

“Well, it’s not hard when you’re making enough noise to wake the entire forest.”

“It’s these fucking boots, ‘kay? They are made for fighting, not running…”

“Watch your mouth, you know James can hear a fuck flying through the air from a mile away.” The feminine voice called Nev said in a hushed tone.

“What? You mean he didn’t already catch you? F-damn, I’m impressed.” The man said in a surprised voice.

There was a pause and the woman daintily cleared her throat

“I made him promise to wait a few minutes.” Nev said, sounding disgruntled, like she didn’t enjoy divulging such intel.

“Yeah that sounds more like it.” The man teased.

“Yeah well he and I both gave _you_ a three minute head start and it didn’t take me too long to catch you, so shove it.” The woman hissed, her tone more biting than necessary for the banter.

“Whoa kitty cat, put the claws away. Besides these boots aren’t made for walking.” The guy said in mock-hurt.

“Guess you should get some new ones then­-“

“Oh fuck off, they work for stomping on nasties, not run-“

“Hello there.” Said a third, smoother, cocky voice.

I heard two sighs come from beneath me.

“Hey James.” Nev spoke in a bored voice that sounded like it might be hiding a small smile. “That was quick.”

“Yeah, well nothing’s easier than catching people that have stopped to chat, plus you and Kael were all but yelling.” James said coolly.

“She insulted my boots.” Kael replied, as if this was all the defense he needed to justify his behavior.

“Because they’re not functional!” Nev practically screamed.

A noise that sounded like a comical snort of disagreement came from the side of the tree that the voice named Kael had been coming from.

“Oh, like your six inch heels?”

“At least _I change before training_.” Nev shot back defensively.

“Kids, kids, please play nice. You’re giving mom a headache.” Came James’ amused voice.

There was a pause and by the feeling of fire creeping up my skin, I knew who was beneath me. The feeling of adrenaline I had attributed to thinking I was falling from my tree-chair had been steadily growing during the ensuing conversation down below until it was now almost a palpable weight on my skin. The tingle of electricity in my veins could only mean one thing; Lion and his pack were beneath me on the forest floor, or should I say James, Kael, and Nev. Just as I was trying to decide what the hell I was going to do now that I was up a tree above my version of a pride of lions. I heard a branch creek.

 _Oh, hell_.

Not even three seconds later there he was, less than two feet in front of me, balanced on my branch. For a split second his eyes showed complete and unguarded shock, as if he had been expecting the devil himself more than me, then the door closed and his dark eyes formed a tough sheen and narrowed into a glare. I raised my chin in what I hoped looked to be a defiant position, though I could feel my muscles tense against the trembles begging to shake them.

“What are you doing in my tree? You woke me up.” I said in a slow, calm voice that was the furthest from what I was feeling. I heard a quiet murmured 'Oh shit', come from Kael down below, apparently just as surprised as James that someone was above them in the pine.

One corner of James’ mouth slowly curved up into what would have been the same cocky smirk from my store, but his slit eyes made it more threatening, danger lining their arresting curve.

“Why don’t you come join us?” He said in a voice like steel before disappearing below me.

A couple seconds later I heard the soft thud of what I assumed was him lightly landing on the ground. God, he was fast. As I made my way towards the ground my body was still on fire and I was silently thanking my adrenaline for guiding me quickly and gently down.

I hadn't exactly planned my descent on my way up the tree, nor had I imagined that I would have an audience, so now I was left with the unpleasant options of shimming down the last three meters or jumping. As I crouched on the last branch, a quick appraisal of my spectators made the decision clear. James was standing ten feet below, arms crossed over his chest, looking up at me with his head cocked to one side and a look of complete boredom painted across his face.

“Don’t worry, princess, I won’t let you fall.” He called up with infuriating sarcastic innocents.

I took one last look, estimated the angle I needed and dropped down, ending in a slight crouch to stop my knees from jarring. As I straightened I was relieved to see my calculations had been correct as I was only inches from James. I cocked my head the opposite direction as his and raised my eyebrows to silently convey a challenge. James let out a low chuckle and amusement danced behind his dark eyes for a moment, making his smirk almost look pleasant, almost. He took a small step back and lifted his arms out as if he was retreating, palms facing me in a show of surrender. The other two stole a quick glance to each other from the corners of their eyes. Kael shrugged first and looked back to the scene. Nev’s mouth still hung slightly open, she looked like she had been expecting me even less than James had, or maybe she just didn’t hide her astonishment as well.

I dropped the hood of my jogging sweatshirt and looked around the group, eventually settling my gaze back on James. Being so close to him was almost painful, the heated, tingling pressure on my skin was so strong I would probably describe it as uncomfortable if it had been caused by anything but him. I met his eyes and noticed even in the dim, fading moonlight that he looked different, not just different, magnificent. Everything that had seemed average and ordinary two days earlier was now absolute perfection in human form. Even the version of James from my dream the night before was overshadowed by the being in front of me.

His hair shone and the messiness seemed a controlled chaos which wholly mirrored his spirit. His eyebrows framed his curved dark eyes, the color of a sky just changed from dusk to night, their shape reminding me of a sleek cat's and the intelligence in them was as breathtaking as I had dreamed. His angled cheekbones and strong jaw, straight nose and perfect lips were full and glorious, even now as they were set into a stern line. His skin seemed to glow golden in defiance to the moon’s pale light and his presence was even more amazing than I recalled, as if my proximity was setting off every alarm system in my body. I was in pure ecstasy as I stood before him, so much so that I didn’t even notice the silence drag on. Slowly I stepped back, my eyes searching his face, completely expecting him to transform back between my blinks. He looked to be studying me too, searching for something in me. The amusement slowly left his face and was replaced by slight confusion. I must have looked like I was pondering an Escher painting, furrowed brow and lip pulled between my teeth as I stared back at him. I quickly recomposed my face and glanced around; they were all staring.

“I thought I remembered you looking different.” I said bluntly. So much for my cool façade.

The corner of his mouth twitched down into a quick, involuntary frown before he smoothed his face back to its impenetrable mask.

“I guess you remembered wrong…and you shouldn’t sleep in trees, it’s unusual.” He said with his same cocky drawl as he began to walk away, his group turning to follow.

“I’m lost.”

I called after in a last ditch attempt to prolong our conversation. I was actually talking to Lion, to James. Granted this encounter was quickly plummeting to the bottom of the heap, enjoyment wise, but I couldn’t let it end, not yet. The fire I felt in my bones, coursing through my blood was screaming at me to not let him walk away, to not allow the ecstasy to leave again. It was like living in cold, dark waters your entire life and suddenly being engulfed in the warmth of sunlight, just to have it chased away again. I couldn’t let that happen. He paused and I let my breath out.

“Obviously. You’re on private property. Kael, take her home.” James ordered without turning as he continued to walk towards the shadows.

“Whose property, yours? I thought this was a nature preserve.” I called after him again, hoping to get him to stay a minute longer. I could already feel the heavenly fire waning as each step took him farther away from me.

“That ended about a quarter-mile back.” Kael said, who was suddenly at my side. “I’ll walk you back.”

“What happened to ‘these boots aren’t made for walking’?” I mimicked in a horrible interpretation of him, letting my frustration that James had disappeared into the night come through in my voice.

I thought I heard a low laugh come from the woods in the direction that James had left with Nev, but it could have been my imagination. Kael paused mid-stride with a comical look of exaggerated hurt on his face, as if he were a close friend I had unjustly insulted.

“Do I really sound like an IQ of sixty mixed with a fifth of steroids to you?” He asked in a tone that matched his expression.

“Surprisingly clever. I figured your kind couldn’t joke, or smile for that matter.” I pretended to be shocked in turn.

“It’s frowned upon, but not yet banned.” He said with a smile and a wink that reminded me of my first judgment of him. “And what do you mean, ‘your kind’? Are you referring to Asians, emo-goth boys or the ridiculously handsome? I fit into many categories.”

“You forgot males, cult-members and the cheesily flirtatious.” I sent him an accusing look that was more than a bit playful.

“Surprisingly clever. For a girl who naps in trees. James was right you know, it is pretty strange, not to mention dangerous.” He jested back.

“Hardy-har, Something just came over me and I felt really sleepy all of a sudden, it’s not like it’s a hobby of min-“

Kael suddenly stuck out his arm, planted across my stomach, barring me from continuing. He was so fast, and his arm felt like a concrete post, solid and strong and corded with muscle under his light jacket. He slid me a sideways glance with ‘be quiet’ all over it. After the noise of our shoes crunching through leaves and brush, the quiet lent an eerie stillness to the woods I had never experienced before. Everything was utterly soundless. No night sounds of animals or bugs, no wind rustling dried leaves in the trees or across the ground. The silence was deep and dark, like a pit without echoes. And then there it was, a thump so light I almost didn’t hear it. I waited and then it came again, a little louder, and again, a little closer.

Kael dropped into a crouch and took something out of his boot, a little dull silver ball. He turned back to the direction we had come from and said a few short words I didn’t quite hear. It didn’t sound like English though, it was something harsh and grating, like stepping on gravel or broken glass. He held the silver for a moment longer before hurling it towards the dense woods behind us. The thumping noise was starting to shake the ground and I could feel it as well as hear it now. Kael muttered something that seemed to rhyme with ‘puck’ and turned back to me.

He looked conflicted, his facial features no longer lighthearted or flirtatious, he looked much older. I saw a number of thoughts fly through his head and I could tell he was weighing his options as his eyes darted about, not with fear, but searching for some illusive idea or escape.

_Too late; there’s nothing, and Nev’s too far, James is probably nearly back by now, and then there’s the girl._

His rapid internal dispute was so plain on his face the words almost audibly flew through my mind.

_We’ll have to run, I hope she’s fast. She won’t see it coming, she won’t see anything._

Suddenly he looked to have come to a decision. There was something like sadness in his eyes as they met mine. Then his lips formed a thin line as he clenched his jaw and shifted his gaze to somewhere over my shoulder.

“What is that?” I asked slowly, quietly.

“A very large bear. Let’s go.”

He grabbed my wrist and we started sprinting away from the fast approaching noise. I almost stumbled once, but Kael’s strong grip helped me regain my balance. He was faster, but he stayed with me, slightly behind me. Dodging trees, roots trying to trip us, branches to impale us; I had never run so hard in my life. The thumping was fast now, and I could hear crashing behind us, as if the thing was recklessly chasing us and gaining. I didn’t dare turn to look in case it slowed me down. It was taking all of my focus to keep up with Kael and to avoid falling or snagging a tree. We kept tearing through the forest, dodging obstacles as best we could. My lungs were burning and I knew I couldn’t keep the pace up for much longer, not that it mattered, even at my fastest the thing was still gaining. I felt like a lame rabbit running from a wolf, futilely trying to escape it's inevitable end.

I glanced to my right, hoping Kael had somehow figured out a solution. His eyes met mine and it took me a moment to comprehend what I was seeing. His eyes were darker, in fact, they were entirely black. The whites all but disappeared just like James’ had in my nightmare. Hellish black orbs stared vacantly back at me, and I could sense a power sizzling in the air, making the hair on my arms stand on end. Kael must have seen the panic cross my face and he opened his mouth slightly into a feeble attempt at a smile, showing a flash of short, sharp teeth like a shark’s.

I felt a rush of pure terror course through me, not of the thing behind me, but of the thing beside me. A dark creature that preyed on others, a damned being that destroyed everything it touched. A predator, like James, and with his angelic face in my mind, suddenly I was falling and everything went black.


	4. Chapter 4

**Bullets and enemies, how is it you and me**

**Framed our future blaming our lost past?**

_Attack Attack - Criminal_

I heard a quiet whizzing about two seconds before one of Kael’s Calls hit my shoulder. James was stalking off far ahead of me, apparently brooding because the girl had seen through his glamour. I didn’t bother calling for him to stop as I picked up the message, expecting Kael to say he was going to spend a few hours at her place, letting off some steam and other states of matter. She seemed easy. I rolled my eyes as I spoke the dehiscent word and waited for his perverted explanation of why he wouldn’t be home for a couple hours to flow out of the electrum orb. Instead two urgently breathed Spoken fell from the sphere.

_Xiliumě. Däemicaus._

_Help me. Demon._

I froze for a second, weighing the possibility that Kael was playing an ill chosen joke on me. There were never enemies in our woods; it was suicide. If we didn’t catch them, which was unlikely, our wards would make short work of them long before they reached our home. Kael had made sure of their totality when he created them and he was never sparing or neglectful when it came to our security. I looked up to notify James, but he must have already heard the whispered words. He stood fifteen feet ahead of me, deathly still. He slowly bent his head to one side, as if listening to the woods, waiting for them to speak to him, to confirm the trespass. A second later he was gone. I turned on my heel and ran too. Kael was in trouble, my partner, my blood.

“Rampel. Cassiel.” I breathed out as I sprinted after James.

I could just barely see James through the brush. I threw the Call in front of me and ordered it to lead. It glowed faintly as it shot through the trees towards its master and my pair. James heard it whine by and adjusted his path in front of me. I felt my heart pounding at the thought of Kael fighting alone, no doubt trying to protect the worthless, arrogant girl as well as watch his own back. I knew he was capable, Kael was an excellent fighter with impeccable instincts and a ruthless nature from his earlier life, but I still chilled at the thought. I remembered the last time our group had been split and outnumbered and a cold fist closed around my heart, it had ended devastatingly. I chased the thought from my mind. Kael wasn’t so cocky, he wouldn’t put himself in the same situation. I would make it in time.

I heard them approaching before I saw them. Eighty yards off, just barely visible through the trees. Kael had a firm grip on the Human girl and they were hurtling our way. Not even ten paces behind them, a giant Gorshe broke through the line of trees. It’s rotten grey-green skin hanging, folding over and twisting onto itself, forming grotesque knots and grooves that shook as it galloped after Kael. Its disfigured small eyes looked even more hideous as they locked onto their prey. I saw Kael begin to Shift and I could tell he was drawing his power around him, preparing for the fight.

The stupid girl glanced over just as Kael’s features changed and even from my distance I saw the familiar horror creep onto her face as it always did when an unlucky mortal saw our true form. Suddenly Kael slammed into her shoulder, sending her stumbling and practically airborne into a large tree trunk they were passing. She hit with a satisfying crunch that under other circumstances would have made me smile. Her attitude had grated me each time we'd encountered her. Knowing she would wake up with an agonizing headache at best made me feel slightly better. Her unconscious body crumpled into a heap at the foot of the tree.

Kael spun around to face the foe just as the Gorshe leapt to the side. The beast landed almost on top of the Human and instead of turning towards the threat, it opened its gaping jaw as if to attack the insignificant, seemingly lifeless body on the ground in front of it, leaving its side open to Kael. Gorshes aren’t scavengers or the type of beast to leave their flank unprotected. They usually only attack moving, responsive targets, unless otherwise directed, and the single-mindedness of this one certainly suggested a direct order from its master, and a powerful one.

Luckily, before the monster could claim its charge James was upon it, one of his blades slicing down the back of the hellish creature as it let out a screech that could make lesser beings' ears bleed. A bolt of dirt and debris from the forest cut through the Gorshe’s flank as Kael gathered his energies. I unraveled my whip from around my ankle and sent the wire flying as Kael formed a ball of white hot rock and sand. My lash hit home as it wrapped around the putrid beast’s neck and I pulled back so hard I heard the animal’s thick skin rip with a sound like the earth itself was splitting. Black, thick liquid poured from its wounds and sizzled against the ground as James danced around the creature, keeping its attention while Kael continued to grow his power.

James sent licks of his Sign to Kael whenever possible, helping to heat the now glowing orb. A moment later Kael released the molten globe on the abomination, channeling it directly into the gashes on the Demon’s neck and back. The horrible creature shuddered a moment before steam rose from its wounds and it collapsed onto the forest floor. Quickly the carcass dissolved, melting into itself, rotting until only a mound of dust and inky blackness was left where it had fallen. Nothing would grow there for a very long time.

I was relieved that Kael wasn’t injured and the unexpected battle was over quickly, but I knew he’d never let me live it down if I expressed my sentiment. Instead I took the low-blow I knew he wouldn’t be prepared for; I played with his guilt, his strongest Human trait, his biggest vulnerability.

“Trying to kill her, brother? What, did she not appreciate your advances? Bit of an overreaction if you ask me. You could have just asked me or James to mess with her head a little. We could have gotten her to give you a go.” I settled my eyes on Kael accusingly after glancing down to the motionless, limp body of the girl. I watched my words take effect as I recoiled my whip, standing on the end to wipe the black mire off.

Kael's face immediately took on a look of deep remorse as he studied the girl on the ground. Her chest rose and fell slowly, showing she was still breathing, but that was the only sign of life.

“We have to take her back with us, make sure she will be okay.” Kael sounded earnest, his voice pleading, but I knew how James felt about others in our home, and I fully expected him to deny the request. Apparently Kael was thinking the same because he continued before James could end the discussion, planting himself in front of where the girl lay, as if hiding her from James' view would make him more likely to allow her to recover inside our walls.

“Nev can wipe her mind after she wakes up and tells us where she lives. We’ll bring her home and it will be like this never happened, but I need to make sure I haven’t done any permanent damage.” He said his last words with finality in is voice that I’m sure was meant to close the option for debate.

He looked over at James with determination etched into his face, clearly prepared for a battle of wills, but James merely walked towards the girl, circumventing Kael, and bent over her face, examining her forehead where she had made initial contact with the tree. After a moment to make sure nothing was broken, he hoisted her up into his arms. Kael’s face took on a look of triumph for a brief moment before it quickly fell into guilt again as the girl hung unresponsive in James’ hold. Kael walked past, leading the way home, apparently not wanting to have to see her during the long hike we had before us.

I wanted to ask him why the Gorshe was out in our woods in the first place, when and where he had heard it, why he thought it had gone after the woman and a whole slew of other questions, but I decided to give him time to sulk, even though he shouldn’t care about some insignificant Human anyway, even if she wasn’t completely unfortunate looking

The girl hung limp in my arms like a rag-doll, she felt oddly light too, which only added to the feeling of her being a doll, or maybe a bird, hollow-boned. I couldn’t feel her either, it was like she didn’t actually exist. I couldn’t sense any presence or spark of life in her, though I knew she wasn’t dead. It was rare that a Human couldn’t be sensed by someone like me, but I had heard of cases; Ghosts they were called. _Interesting_. She looked peaceful, and apart from the blood trickling down across her temple and disappearing into her dark hair, she could have been merely sleeping. She was beautiful too, not in the way Nevaeh was, where each and every angle was perfectly created, so perfect it almost wasn’t even beauty anymore but something artificial, something engineered to simulate beauty. No, this girl was beautiful in a softer, more natural way and without her big eyes glaring out defiance, without the anger hiding in them, she almost looked delicate, gentle yet regal.

I couldn’t quite figure why I had agreed to bring her back with us, I knew she would be fine, probably a concussion but nothing more. Kael always thought mortals were more fragile than they truly were. Maybe I was just curious, even from our first encounter in the little convenience store she had intrigued me.

I thought back to when I had first seen her; she didn’t fit in the store, she didn’t seem like she would fit in any place so ordinary. But I had learned that fraternizing with Humans, no matter how interesting they first appeared, was always a mistake. They became obsessed and it destroyed them, and it destroyed me to watch them wither. They were never truly fulfilling either, and it was cruel to destroy something just for entertainment. I was meant to protect those weaker than me, not hurt them. That’s why I used the glamour sometimes, one of the ways I tried to avoid catching the attention of people, and if that wasn’t enough, my acidic personality normally did the trick quite nicely. I backtracked my thoughts to my first interaction with the girl in my arms, trying to steer clear of any guilty thoughts I still had about the diversions of my past. I didn’t like to think of my younger years, before I knew how disastrous all my attempts at connections would end up. How destructive my company could be.

The way this girl had acted was both irritating and interesting to me. She was a puzzle I had to figure out, or at least see if there was anything worth figuring. Most likely not, Humans were rarely as complex as they tried to make others believe. Maybe she was just overconfident, or stupid, or both; we’d soon find out. Part of me was suspicious of the unconscious weight in my arms though, we had run into her three times in fewer days and that seemed a strange coincidence to me. I was naturally a suspicious person, and my lifestyle only elevated the trait. I glanced down at the girl once more, trying to see if I could sense any Demon presence on her, but looking at her made it difficult to focus and I quickly gave up.

Kael was stalking ahead of our little convoy, guilt etched into the set of his wide shoulders. I understood how he felt, even though the girl would be fine. Hurting Humans, especially defenseless females, wasn’t our calling. I had always had a problem with women being hurt or victimized. Whether for personal reasons or some subconscious attempt at chivalry, I could never accept the death of a Human woman with a clear conscious. Abusing power and exploiting the weak had never sat well with me. There was hardly a difference between the levels of Gifts in the sexes of Fallen or their offspring. Physical strength was usually greater for males, but skill, speed and intelligence easily offset this. Maybe that was another reason I had never been able to walk away from a Human woman in need. I could never turn my back on their cries for help like I could on a Darkling. Probably remnants of feelings from my childhood. Freud would have had a field day with me.

Nevaeh would no doubt torment her partner to no end. She loved to hurt him and a subject as tender as this was sure to draw her claws out. I almost felt bad for my brother…but he had brought it upon himself. He could have just had Nevaeh wipe the girl’s mind after all, he didn’t need to incapacitate her, but then again he normally took the physical route when faced with any difficult decision. Thinking things through, weighing options, had never been a strong suit of his. I remembered our first argument, it had gotten pretty ugly.

I glanced down at the girl again. For some reason my attention kept coming back to her, like a magnet, or gravity, inevitable. There was something strange about her. She wasn’t normal, that was for certain, the fact that she could see through some of my weaker glamours made it obvious she had at least a fraction of Overworld blood in her somewhere…or Underworld. Maybe a distant ancestor was a Fey, or a Nymph…she had the looks for it. Or maybe a Vampyre sired one of her line before her, there was something cold about her, hard and animalistic. She was certainly intriguing. Wherever her blood came from, it was probably so far diluted she had no clue that anything supernatural even existed in the world. Most lost their Gifts after only one or two generations, but maybe she was one of the unlucky ones who could still see the world for what it truly was. Poor thing.

I saw Nevaeh out of the corner of my eye, watching me watch the girl. I wondered what all she had seen, what all my face had given away. She rarely acted on it, but I knew she was very perceptive, it was one of her many annoying talents which she used to hurt others. To make those around her feel the pain I assumed she carried with her every day. I tore my eyes away from the girl in my arms as casually as I could and pretended to not notice Nevaeh as she continued to stare at me. I hated it when she did that, watched me like I was some kind of present she was just waiting to be given. No matter how lonely this life got, no matter how far I tried to bury myself in drugs or violence or whatever other addictions I pleased, I would never sink so low as to be with her. I found nothing about her appealing in any way beyond the loyalty I felt because she was a clan member. The thought disgusted me, like a little sister wanting her brother, even though she was actually older than me. I realized my lip was pulled up in a disgusted snarl and relaxed my face as I walked. Hopefully Nev had seen my sneer and would avert her obvious gaze.

The girl was out cold for close to a half-hour after we had trekked back to the house. Kael wanted to put her in the infirmary, but I could tell she would be coming to fairly soon so I brought her to the library instead. Best to avoid panic and waking up in a cozy nook surrounded by books and a crackling wood fire would probably seem less frightening than in a starched white bed with the smell of chemically cleaned stainless steel surrounding her. It didn’t matter really, Nevaeh would wipe the girl’s mind clean and tonight would never even happen…but it just seemed like the right thing to do regardless of what memory the girl would be left with.

Nev was anxious to get her out of the house and sat pouting in the library with Kael while she slept. She was already sharpening her claws and poking at Kael’s guilt, trying to find his weakest point. I wasn’t in the mood to play mediator though so I went down to my room to grab a notebook, at least I could write about this strange girl without Nevaeh or anyone else analyzing or judging me for it.

My books were the ones I was always truly honest with. I tried to be as honest as I could with Kael, but even our brotherhood had its limits. My journals were always there to soak up my raw feelings, my thoughts and my concerns. As the leader I could never show indecision or weakness or worry to the clan, but in my books, I could say whatever I wanted and with this woman’s odd effect on me, I had a lot to write, a lot to figure out.

I walked back into the room to hear Nev and Kael bickering like the siblings I sometimes forgot they weren’t, something about the unconscious Human being light. I almost smiled to myself, I had made that very same observation. My amusement was quickly replaced though, the girl was awake, she was only pretending to be asleep. I wondered how long she had been faking it. She certainly was sneaky, sneaky and stubborn. Maybe I would like her.


	5. Chapter 5

**I feel it in my bones, and everything I know**

**It's underneath my skin, and it won't let go**

**They know me all too well, but only time will tell**

**If this is who I am, do I know myself?**

_I Prevail - Scars_

 

I woke up with a deep throbbing at my left temple. I couldn’t open my eyes, my lids would have felt lighter if they had been made of lead. As I tried to clear the fog from the corners of my mind and remember what exactly had happened, I heard footsteps approaching. I stilled my breathing to feign unconsciousness and tried to listen.

“You couldn’t have pushed her a little lighter? She’s not spending the night here, so she better wake up soon.” Nev said in a bitchy, cutting tone.

“Well sorry I don’t know the correct amount of force to apply to ensure Human unconsciousness without a concussion. It’s not like I practice these things, plus I may have overestimated her weight…and underestimated my strength...” Kael trailed off guiltily.

 “You did _not_ just call the girl you knocked out fat!” Outrage peppered Nev’s voice.

“Wha? I’m pretty sure I said the opposite. She’s lighter than I thought. That’s a compliment, right? She’s tall, so I was guessing a buck fifty…was definitely off by a few.”

Kael sounded even guiltier now and I almost felt bad for him. That is, if he hadn’t been the one who shoved me face-first into an oak to begin with.

“She’s not unconscious. She’s faking it. Wake up, sleeping beauty.” The cool, cocky voice of James slid in. I hadn’t even noticed the tingling come this time, but sure enough, there it was, tickling my skin, pricking at my veins.

I opened one eye to peer accusingly at him.

“You keep disrupting my eavesdropping. It’s getting annoying.”

Kael snorted a short burst of laughter.

“Yup, she’s fine. I told you I didn’t break her.” He beamed at Nev and James.

“What happened? I feel like I was hit by a subway.” I said groggily as I looked around at my surroundings.

I was in a dimly lit room on a couch and by the aisles of books along the walls I assumed I was in a library. The room had an old feel to it, like I was in a historic manor or mansion and should whisper when I spoke. The burning fire in the center of the far wall gave the dark paneling a soft gold glow and the rich reds and deep yellows and greens in the room made me think of the renaissance. The furniture to the molding all matched in the same dark, glossy wood and the carpet under the couch I was laying on had ornate swirls and patterns in lush tones. Something about the room seemed homey, if a much more affluent homey feel than my own house had ever inspired.

I had always loved books and under different circumstances I would probably jump at the opportunity to be in a library as large, well-stocked and grand as the one surrounding me. I could almost imagine the room as a sanctuary. I could almost see myself in one of its shadowed niches, curled up with a stack of dusty books, breathing in the smell of cloistered paper, relishing all the rarely explored knowledge. I shook myself out of the silly thought. There was nothing familiar about this room, and it was ridiculous of me to think of it in such a fond way. I tried to refocus my mind on the scene before me, but everything still seemed murky.

“Close, oak tree. You tripped.” Kael said with a culpable look at my throbbing temple. He quickly looked away and made himself extremely busy scratching the back of his neck.

“You’re a terrible liar. Even if I hadn’t heard you two talking I’d know that wasn’t the truth. You pushed me, why?”

I settled my eyes on him, trying to not glare, trying to stay calm.

“You want to take this one, Nevvie?” Kael asked hopefully as he looked away again to studiously avoid my gaze.

“Nope.” She chimed as she glided off the sofa’s arm she had perched herself on. “This one’s on you, partner.”

She walked out of the open rolling doors to my right, heels clicking away down the hall. I idly wondered when she had changed, and why? Did she always wear heels in the house?

“James?” Kael said optimistically, he clearly really didn’t want to have to explain what had happened in the woods. I settled my eyes on James expectantly, happy for the excuse to look at him.

He met my eyes for a brief moment, a calm, still stare that showed nothing. It made a shiver attempt to run up my back.

“I’m taking you home, let’s go.”

He spoke in his typical bored tone, as if the mere thought was a chore for him, as if speaking to me was a chore. Yet his face remained calm, nothing but a spark of something deep in his dark eyes betraying that he was the one who had spoken.

“No.” I answered flatly.

His eyebrows made a minute movement closer to each other before his face was still once more.

“No? Come on little lamb, don’t make me carry you for the second time this evening.”

I sat up on the couch and waited a moment for my head to clear and the shadows to leave the corners of my vision before looking up at him boldly. Suddenly it all came back to me, every strange detail.

“I want to know what happened. Why do you look different all the time? Why was a giant bear chasing me, if that’s even what it really was? Why were you all in the woods anyways? What did Kael say to the little pebble, and why? And your eyes, your face changed when we were running, before you shoved me into a tree, and why did you do that? What happened after?”

I directed the last few questions at Kael, who looked visibly uncomfortable once I mentioned his little nudge. I used this as evidence to ignore the little voice in my mind that said I hadn't seen anything, that his face changing was just another trick of my delusions.

“Finished?” James said with a sigh, more placed for its condescending nature than the actual need to let out breath, a slight look of laughter in his eyes. The corner of his mouth curved to match a moment later, as if my inquiries were somehow amusing to him.

“No, one more; why are you all lying? What are you trying to hide? Who are you?”

“That was three questions, actually.” James corrected, his lopsided smirk growing slightly.         

“They’re related, now give me some answers. Now.”

I fixed my most potent stare on James, who was really starting to piss me off. Almost unconsciously I moved one finger to check to make sure my knife was still in my waistband. It wasn’t.

 _Hell_.

“Looking for this?”

James pulled my switchblade out of his back pocket. He dropped it on the table in front of me with a heavy clatter but I didn’t make a move for it. Better to not let them know I felt the need to have a weapon. Instead I kept my eyes locked on James’. The laughter had left, replaced by an almost curious look, only in his eyes, the rest of his face still just as composed as it had been the entire conversation.

“I’m still waiting for my answers.” I said with as much menace as I could muster, considering my only weapon was out of reach and I was outnumbered two to one by a pair of muscular men who seemed more deadly than any of the thugs I'd ever encountered in the city.

James paused and cocked his head to one side, seeming to ignore my glare and tone, then his lip quirked up again into his half-smirk and he spoke, settling his body back on the arm of the couch next to me in a confident, relaxed pose.

“I am a drug addict, methamphetamines, I look terrible when I don’t get my fix. We are rangers, special division of DNR, that’s why we were in the woods, making our rounds. The bear was almost blind, terrible bear-blinding disease going around lately, he probably thought it was his lucky day and you were an incredibly large, semi-lame bunny.”

He was ticking the answers off on his fingers, lowering one each time he answered as if each digit represented one of my many questions.

“Kael’s crazy and talks to rocks, some voodoo Far East thing from the motherland. He’s an ugly runner, makes his face look funny. He helped you into the tree becauusse…”He drew out the last word as he paused momentarily and stared at the finger clearly meant to represent why Kael had pushed me, as if it held all the answers in the world. After a short pause he continued.

“He’s a sadistic kid who doesn’t like females – serious mommy issues.”

He took another deep breath and paused again, his eyes wandering over me in a way that made my body tense, as if my muscles could feel his stare.

“He tranquilized the bear as it was going for you after you were unconscious and…we lie because we’re all extremely addicted compulsive liars and generally just enjoy being terrible human beings. Viola.”

He finished with a close-lipped exaggerated flash of a sarcastic smile.

“Happy?”

I stared back with eyebrows raised and a blank look.

“That is the most ridiculous story I’ve ever heard. And though I appreciate the sarcasm as a fellow user, try again. Actually, no, you can just shut up and sit there quietly.” I turned to Kael.

“You. Tell me what happened.”

He was clearly the weak link of the two and if I wanted to get answers, I might as well break them out of the guilt-ridden, looser-tongued one. Suddenly Nevaeh reentered in a whirl of haughty scoffing noises and clicking heels.

She stared down at me as she spoke firmly and slowly, like I was simple.

“You fell on your run, I found you and brought you here, nothing else happened and when you woke up, you left and went home, never to think of us again.”

There was a long silence as I tried to piece together what in the world was going on. Nevaeh’s vibrant green eyes seemed darker now as she glared down at me, like deep shadows on dying grass, as if  her annoyance could actually alter their color, shrivel it. There was a hushed silence in the room, and I realized I was holding my breath.

“Is that supposed to convince me?”

I broke the silence incredulously.

She looked shocked and even took a small step back with a look similar to the one she had worn when I hopped down from the tree earlier that night. I felt a little swell of accomplishment. Kael’s mouth was agape as well. The corner of James’ slowly curved into a smirk, a dark one that promised trouble and looked pleased at the chance to deliver.

“Little lamb has a secret. Who are your parents and how much?” He said in a low, dangerous tone. His eyes now matching the dark look his smile and words swore to, as if he had flipped a switch from still and calm to something violent waiting beneath.

I refused to back down from his obvious intimidation tactics and instead held his gaze, but nothing was making sense. What did my parents possibly have to do with anything? They were miles and state lines away and I couldn’t understand why this group would possibly be interested in my family.

“How much what? And why do my parents matter?” I asked suspiciously, eyes narrowing.

“No more games, you’re either with us or against us, there is no middle ground here, and since I don’t know of you, I’m assuming against.”

His cocky demeanor had changed to deadly fast, his fists clenched at his sides, though his pose on the couch’s arm hadn’t changed.

I made a move to get to my feet, all of a sudden feeling very vulnerable where I sat, but he swiftly stood in front of me, a smirk back on his face, though it looked even less pleasant now. His eyes were daring me to try to run, to inch a finger towards my knife. My heart started to beat faster as the feeling of his electricity increased until it almost burned against my skin.

Slowly, in what I hoped was an unintimidating manner, I stood. I normally never let anyone coerce me into acting even the slightest bit meek, but I wasn’t stupid, and I wasn’t so overly confident to think I stood a chance against these people. Something was off about them, and even if I hadn’t been grossly outnumbered, I would have at least thought twice about making a move against any one of them, especially James.

As I slowly straightened he was only a couple inches in front of me, even closer than when I had jumped down from the tree in my show of arrogance earlier that night. I was so close I could feel the heat rolling off him, making my stomach quiver. He wasn’t showing any sign of giving me more room either, my chest almost brushing his. I looked into his eyes which were storming with something protective, and angry. They burned into mine, but I didn’t want to seem like I was hiding something by looking away. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I saw my opportunity to get some real answers.

I straightened my back and raised my head to look levelly into his eyes, or at least as close as I could get to being eye-to-eye with someone many inches taller than me. His eyes fell to my neck, which suddenly felt very exposed by the way I had it stretched. His eyes climbed back up to mine and a violent smile crept to the corners of his mouth, I could almost hear his threat.

_Make one move against us and I will snap your little neck. I’ll rip out your throat and you’ll cover the floor. I won’t hesitate. I’ll enjoy it. Don’t test me._

I instinctively started to raise my hand to my throat, but stopped myself and ignored his silent warning.

“I’ll tell you my secrets if you tell me yours.”

I tried to sound confident and cool, even a bit flirtatious, but I wasn’t sure if my intention came across correctly. Nev made a sneering noise from my right and crossed her arms over her chest as she rolled her eyes and stuck her hip out, essentially using every movement possible to show her disgust and I felt accomplished for the second time that evening.

James glared at me for a moment, ignoring Nev’s show completely before he spoke.

“Fine.” He slid through clenched teeth. His jaw line flexed after he spoke.

“It was a Gorshe, and a big, mean one. He must have had direct orders to kill or reclaim you by the way he completely ignored Kael. You must have some pretty powerful enemies. Kael wasn’t sure what you were, so he knocked you out so you wouldn’t see anything or get in the way. We got there just after your, ah, collision and finished it off. We were doing a little training in the woods when we first found you. Your camouflage is quite good, I almost believed you were fully flesh, though I had my doubts. The rest you either already know, or don’t need to. Some secrets are for our protection. Forgive me for not trusting you and divulging all our little tricks so soon.” He said captiously.

"Now, your turn; parents and percentage.” He spoke now in a business-like tone, as if he were asking for my Social Security Number.

I stared back for a moment, processing the information he had said. The entire room was staring at me now, waiting for me to tell them what they wanted to know.

“One more question, are you guys some kind of cult, like Wicca, or Mormon?”

A second wave of shocked silence washed over the room. I could almost hear the metaphorical shit hitting the fan. Nevaeh and Kael both looked to James.

“Try again, Nev. More.” He said without taking his raptor gaze off of me.

Nevaeh stepped forward once more, she looked into my eyes and hers seemed to darken slightly, then a touch more, as if her pupils were waging war on her irises and gaining ground. She looked to be concentrating, her brow furrowed slightly.

“I can’t, I can’t even get close. She must be more than me. I thought she was just a ghost and I couldn’t feel her mind, but now…she isn’t a ghost. I-I can’t even get close.”

“And not know, at this age?” Kael spoke up. I had almost forgotten he was in the room.

“What’s your name?”

It was James who spoke, but his voice was so quiet, so restrained, I almost didn’t recognize it as his.

“Jordan. Jordan Kay.” I said quickly, startled by his change in tone.

“Do you know who your parents are?” He said in the same gentle tone, one that somehow seemed to demand an answer while still being soft, kind even.

“The people who raised me or the people who made me?”

I hadn’t even thought of my biological parents when he had asked me who my parents were the first time. As far as I was concerned, my parents were the people I had grown up with, and they were the ones I assumed he had been asking about.

His eyebrows raised slightly at this new bit of information.

“So you’re adopted. Never looked for your biological parents?”

“Why? I don’t have a problem being adopted. No daddy-issues, abandonment or anything.” I answered honestly. I never had cared much about who my birth parents were. The way I saw it, they no longer counted, they gave up that right when they gave me up. Blood means very little in this day and age.

“You’re different, you know this. You see things, feel things that others can’t, right?”

He seemed to be trying to convince himself as much as me at this point, his eyes questioning, searching for something in mine.

“Yeah, I’m weird. I know.” I said defensively. Falling into my usual response when someone would realize I wasn’t like everybody else, that I was broken in some fundamental way.

Kael cut in quickly, almost frantically to correct me.

“No, you’re a different kind of person, different ancestry you could say. Your parents had a special property that they passed on to you in their blood.”

“What special blood?”  I said, my suspicion gaining ground with each moment.

Kael seemed to have lost his voice, or maybe he just didn’t want to be the one to tell me, but James spoke before the pause became unbearably long.

“You’re a Darkling. Nephilim, Fallenchild, Black Blood, Shade, there are many names we’re known by, but regardless of what you'll call yourself, or what others will, you are descended from Fallen Angels and man. Banned from Heaven, not yet welcome in Hell, walking the Earth instead. Some Angels were forgiven and able to return to Heaven after paying the debt for their sins, they were those who never gave up faith, then there were the ones that willingly left Heaven to protect the Earth and were granted return because of their sacrifice, still there were others who were cast out because of disobedience, they turned from Heaven and instead wished to live in the darkness of Earth, to do as they wished. Finally there were the worst of the Fallen, those who freely left the heavens, not for Earth, but for Hell. Those with darkness in their hearts that goes beyond the temptations of Earth, they are known as Dark Angels. The first two were banned from laying with Humans, and no offspring exist, however the cast out and the Dark Angels did as they pleased, they are your ancestors and their blood runs through you, even now.” James spoke calmly, as if he were reciting a book, a passage, as if he had heard the words before, possibly to him, years ago, and had ever since kept them locked away in his mind.

His eyes were clear as he spoke and as crazy as it sounded, I knew he was telling the truth. I knew it, I felt it. Something clicked as he said the words, like I was finally seeing something that had always been at the corners of my vision but ran away when I tried to look directly at it. His eyes had subtly changed when he mentioned those that left Heaven for Hell and their own selfish desires, almost a guarded, cold look, but besides this small change, he had remained a stoic mask throughout his account.

“We have Gifts,” He continued, his face a calm, still mask, “that Humans do not, we are stronger, faster, we can live longer, and we have certain attributes most do not. Elements of the Earth bend to some of us, and we can push the minds of Humans in many ways. Each of us have different strengths, which we can use to guard the world or deteriorate it, we choose to preserve it, but not all do.”

“How many of you are there?” I asked with a wavering voice, the realization that there was more to my world crashing over me like a tidal wave, threatening to hold me under. Disbelief was fighting to change the tide, but the truth held firm in my mind. Even though it seemed insane, deep down I knew it was true. I always had.

“Not as many as there once were.” He replied cryptically. “But this is all there is of my clan, we are each other’s family, or the only family we recognize.”

Nevaeh spoke up then.

“I grew up knowing what I was. I had my true parents; they were good, following light. They taught me everything I know.” She paused before continuing coldly.

“They’re dead now. Ironically, we usually die young, even though we can outlive Humans by a century. We don’t have peaceful lives, we protect the world from the darker of our kind, as well as Demons and their offspring. I’m a Sixteenth, making me the most direct bloodline in this clan, but I can’t use my Gift on you, so you’re more.”

She didn’t look particularly pleased by this fact and her eyes glinted with a menace I wasn’t quite equipped to handle.

“A Fourth is a monster, completely unheard of to be your age and not a murderous, disgusting animal. Fourths are sickening and horrid and vile and don’t have any capacity for love, or care, or even the most basic of redeeming emotions. They’re like rabid animals, they manipulate and control and destroy everything, always. No exceptions. There’s nothing good in them …so I suppose you _could_ be an Eighth, but that means your parents were probably pretty nasty.”

I looked back to James, a muscle in his jaw working over and over, changing the shadows on his face. Kael was throwing daggers at Nev from narrowed eyes, but she was doing a good job of pretending not to notice.

“Well good thing I never knew them then, huh?” I said as I met her eyes again.

I saw the corner of James’ mouth quirk up from the corner of my vision, but the sneer in Nev’s eyes made me bristle and kept my attention on her. I didn’t want her intimidation to win and her to think I could be pushed around, instead I leveled my glare on her. I had always hated losing, looking weak. Call it a character flaw or outright egotism, I just thought of it as a strong part of my stubborn streak, which I was rather fond of.

Kael seemed to notice the tug-of-war between me and Nev and stepped into my line of vision, blocking the emerald eyes as well as the majority of the rest of the room with his bulk.

“Look, you need to learn. It’s rare that someone your age is still…functional without training, or knowing what you are. You need others like you. When left alone we begin to fall apart, we see things, feel things, we become pulled into things and our will starts to falter, we were never meant to be alone. We were created for community.”

“When we’re alone for too long we go mad.” Nev said with special emphasis on her last word.“We need the proximity of others’ bloodlines to keep us sane. You could say the more Fallen or Darklings we surround ourselves with, the closer we are to Heaven, to being back with the Angels, where we belong. To being home.” She ended in a casual tone, as if she couldn't care less where I ended up.

James continued, cutting Nev off with a stare that managed to look both blank and poignant.

“Not exactly, there are two kinds of clans.”

He directed his gaze back to me, piercing me with his dark eyes.

“Those that keep each other in check, that protect mortals from what they cannot see, that fight every day against the darkness around them and within them, and then there are the ones that seek power, the ones who allow their...” He paused and shifted his eyes away for a moment, before pulling them back up to mine.“…their nature to rule their actions. They command Lesser Demons and prey on those weaker than them.”

Nev’s voice slid back in.

“We kill that type of Darkling. So, you haven’t ever murdered anyone, have you?” She took an aggressive step towards me, an eager grin spreading across her face.

“Nevaeh, stop, she didn’t even know…she probably felt like she was crazy. I know the feeling.” Kael finished quietly.

“I’m not yet convinced she isn’t. You’re what, twenty-one or two at least? That’s an awful long time to be alone and not lash out, not lose yourself.” Nevaeh pushed.

She shot me a nasty look which I returned with slit eyes. There was a beat of pause before Kael broke in again, clearly hoping to end the painful silence and steer the subject away from the question of my sanity.

 “I didn’t know what I was until James found me. I was twenty and adopted too. I left home the year before because I was afraid of what I would do. I had dreams of murdering my family. I lived on the streets for a while until James came along one day and asked me to join him. I had nothing to live for anyways, and even though I didn’t believe him at first, he offered me a place to stay where I wouldn’t have to worry about being attacked in the middle of the night, I had a lot of enemies on the street, so I took it. I’ve been part of this clan the longest, over four years. I know I would either be a monster or dead at this point in my life if I were still on the streets, alone. James pulled me back from the edge.”

He looked like he was debating saying more. Finally he took a deep breath and continued.

“I used to burn down abandoned buildings near my town, but I always wished people were inside. Sometimes I could imagine their screams in my head as I watched the buildings burn.” His eyes looked far off, as if he was transported back to his home town, seeing the flames lick the night air, the smoke billowing up in great white clouds, disrupting the night sky. He seemed to snap out of his memory and a clear look returned to his eyes.

“I loved it, I loved hearing the screams, the panic, the voices’ fear, it made me feel like I was something more, like a god, but I always wished the fantasy was real, wished I really had trapped people inside first. I was terrified of myself, which is why I left home and as far as we can tell, I have a more diluted bloodline than you or Nev.” His eyes settled on me again, but not in the same way as James’ or Nevaeh’s had. Kael looked light and calm, even with his painful story he looked almost peaceful.

I realized he was waiting for a reply, but I didn’t know how much I should say. I had felt many of the same things; the desire to kill, the fascination with blood, pain, death, the feelings that I was evil, the fear of what I was capable of, but I had kept all these things secret for so long, it seemed unnatural for me to pour myself out now. Finally I decided my muteness was dragging too long and I spoke.

“I always thought there was something wrong with me, I knew everyone couldn’t feel like I do. I thought I was a psychopath. I thought about killing myself, to save others from what I would do one day. I always felt like I was missing something. I knew there had to be more to the world. I just can’t believe I was actually right.”

I sat back onto the sofa in shock, dropping my eyes to search the floor, as if a confirmation would pop up from between the glossed hardwood panels, or slide out from under the ornate rug beneath my feet. I was slowly beginning to understand what I had been itching at my whole life. I was terrified and elated all rolled into one. It was like I had found the rest of me, my mind and body wouldn’t have to war with each other anymore. Suddenly a frigid thought struck me, sinking my euphoric feeling. What now? Why were they telling me this? Did they just go around finding Darklings, revealing their heritage to them before disappearing into the night again? I looked up with the question on my lips, but Kael beat me to it.

“Stay with us, we’ll teach you what you need to know, then you can decide what to do with the knowledge, you can leave or stay…but you need guidance. You found us for a reason, I know it, I’m sure of it…James?

 Kael looked to James hopefully and after a moment, his leader gave a slight nod, though his eyes were still on me. I could feel them on me, running over my skin like a blade, but when I looked at him, he became impossible to read.

He stood inhumanly still, like a statue, staring indecipherably back at me, his dark eyes revealing nothing of the inner workings behind them. He truly was beautiful, like looking at a work of art. The unearthly feeling of his eyes on me only strengthened this resemblance. Somehow he could look at me with nothing written in the lines of his face, while still avoiding looking vacant. I knew there was so much there, it was just invisible to me. Most people’s eyes let me almost hear what  they were thinking, almost see it, as if I could read their thoughts as words as they passed behind their eyes, giving ‘windows to the soul’ a whole new level of meaning, but James’ eyes had the curtains pulled, completely blocking his mind from me. It was unnerving.

“I’ll bring you home to get your belongings in the morning, Nev and James can get all of your affairs in order. Nev’s great at getting people out of leases and stuff.” Kael said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood. “You should get to sleep; you’ve had an eventful day, to say the least.” He turned to leave, but paused and turned back.

“I’m sorry about your head, by the way. I didn’t mean to push you so hard.” And with that parting gift, Kael left the room, presumably to get things ready for the morning.

“So…I’m just supposed to quit everything and move in with you Demon-killers? Drop my life, just like that?”

Even as I said the words, I knew they were just for pretense. I wanted this, I wanted to leave my life, I wanted everything they had told me about, and I didn’t care that it all sounded crazy. I needed change, craved it and I had no problem leaving my old life behind. Now that I knew what was out there, I couldn’t live the rest of my life the same as before.

Turning the table on my usual encounters and seemingly reading my thoughts, James answered.

“Did you really want your old life? Come on, little lamb, don’t pretend you’d miss anything, or have anyone to miss.” His voice sounded mocking, but his eyes weren’t committed to the ridicule, they seemed to once again be intently searching for something in me, while revealing nothing of his own thoughts. The fire on my skin was back, stronger than before and the shock of its return had my skin prickling with pleasure. I hadn’t even noticed when it had dissipated. Nev let out a big sigh and stomped out of the library after Kael, heels clacking down the portions of the floor not covered by thick carpets or rugs.

_Good, we’re alone._

It took me a moment to realize I hadn’t heard James say the words out loud. I had heard it in my mind, and not like the inklings of people’s thoughts I had always understood, making it easy to guess what was on their mind, this was his actual smooth, beautiful voice _in_ my mind. I looked at him and opened my mouth to speak, dumbfounded.

“Do you feel that?” He asked before I had the chance to say anything.

As he spoke the fire leapt to a new heat, as if to emphasize his words.

“Yes.” I answered lamely, not knowing what else to say as I reveled in the enticing sensations running over me.

“That’s your Gift trying to get in my head, trying to know my thoughts. I didn’t even notice it before because you have such a light touch. Even now when I know you’re there I have to focus to find you. Your presence is very slight, just like your ability to hide what you are from others of your kind. Your camouflage and stealth are impressive. You’re very deceptive.” He raised his eyebrows slightly and spoke like this was a high compliment.

“In fact I only realized your Gift when I thought of breaking your neck and you reacted as if you had heard me.”

I silently swore at myself for not controlling my actions sooner, then he still wouldn’t know about my supposed 'Gift'.

As soon as he finished, the fire was abruptly gone, like I had been doused with a bucket of water. He leaned forward as if he were about to tell me a secret, even though he was casually leaning against the far wall across the room from me

“But you see, I can keep you out." With an amused smile playing at the corners of his mouth he leaned back again, his cocky, lazy stance somehow still feeling like a challenge.

He was obviously waiting for a reply, and his expectant face feigned complete innocence. Some part of me was furious that he had stolen the feeling of ecstasy from me and I wanted to stalk over and hit him in his handsome, arrogant face for the loss, but I knew if I let him know how frustrated blocking the sensation made me, he would never allow me to feel it again. He seemed like the type.

Instead of screaming at him to turn it back on, I spoke calmly.

“So I’m using a power I don’t even know I have to read minds?”I said it as if it was the most preposterous thing I had ever heard of, which before the day I'd had, it would have been.

“It seems so.” He said deviously, his eyes dancing with mischief. Once again they seemed to be searching for something in my face, but the curve of his lips made it difficult for me to focus.

“So, do you feel the, the…” I searched for an adequate word that wouldn’t make me sound as desperate as I was to feel it again.

“The _sting_ when your Gift is touching mine? Only if I’m open to you.” He replied flatly, bored.

“I was going to call it a burn, but I suppose sting works too.” I said a little defensively. “Why?” I added coolly. “And what’s your ‘Gift’? What are you trying to do to me that makes you feel the _sting_?” I slid the last word out between my teeth, still not appreciating his choice of noun.

“I’m trying to judge you, to see your intentions…your soul you could say. I can sometimes glean things from people that Nev and Kael cannot. However, you are very difficult…everything is blurry. I don’t know where your future takes you, or even what you want right now. As for why I feel the bite, I don’t know yet, but I’ll find out. Until then let’s keep it between us, princess, we wouldn’t want Nev thinking you’re special, she can get real jealous, and I already don’t think she cares for you much.” He gave me a quick wink along with a lop-sided smile as he pushed off the wall. His searching gaze slowly morphing into an amused one, light and teasing. His mood changed so often I was having a difficult time keeping my own emotions matched.

“Time for bed, little one. Your life starts tomorrow.”

He started across the floor, towards where Nev and Kael had exited, but my wheels were turning and something didn’t quite fit.

“Wait a minute.” I paused to better organize my thoughts.“Nev said she was a Sixteenth, and that she was the most in your clan but she can’t be, she couldn’t get through me, and you can. You can block me, so you’re more than her, and me. And if I’m an Eighth, then you must be a Fourth, which is bad I hear.”

Immediately I knew I had gone too far, touched some sacrosanct topic as James went rigid in the open doorway, his shoulders set into harsh lines, the muscles in his arms standing out, flexed from the tight fists balled at his sides. He stiffly turned, and his dark eyes filled with the promise of violence. His anger was darkly beautiful, but that didn’t prevent his glare from stopping my heart for a beat.

“I’m not a Fourth.” He said through clenched teeth, a muscle in his jaw jumping.“Trust me, you would know if I was; you’d be dead if I was, and so would Nev and Kael. Fourths don’t have friends or families or even clans. I’m just better at my Gift than Nev is, I have a stronger block. I was trained on it for years, she doesn’t have the discipline or the history that I do. And she’s too stubborn now to learn.” He moved closer to me in a less than friendly manner, closing the space between us in just a stride or two. He reminded me of a predator again, closing in on his prey.

“It’s a pretty harsh accusation. Like Nev said, a Fourth is a monster; cruel and evil and unable to overcome its bloodlust. There is nothing good in one with such a strong connection, the few shreds of humanity shrivel up and die in that amount of Fallen nature.”

His eyes pierced into mine, venom dripping from each word.

He was trying to scare me again but I couldn’t focus on it. Even though he looked furious and a small part of my brain was trying to tell me to focus on the threat, I could feel waves of heat radiating from his body, like he held a furnace in his chest. Everything about him poured over me, and I couldn’t even focus on his words. He smelled smoky, with a hint of the forest, like pine or evergreen, and something minty. The electricity might have been shut off, but merely his body so near to mine was enough to make my adrenaline pump harder. He was so beautiful; all darkness and heat and hushed, deadly power.

Finally he continued when I said nothing.

“We kill every full Fallen, Half or Fourth we come across. They all go dark at some point, no matter how hard they fight their nature, they all end up the same; depraved, soulless creatures that destroy everything they touch.” He paused again, seeming to remember why he was ranting. His eyes still held danger, but now their calculating arrogant cover was back.

“So you’re either really brave, or really stupid to accuse me of something like that. I’m the leader of this clan, and I think you’d be better off not making an enemy of me just yet.” He leaned even closer in as he said this and I could almost feel the tingle of my power grazing his, smoldering beneath my skin lightly, panting to be freed. I could feel his hot breath on me, mint mixing with his smoky scent.

I stared at him a moment more. I had clearly hit a nerve, and his defense was understandable, and yet some part of me wasn’t convinced of his innocence.

“You’re hiding something.” I said, refusing to back down to him and feeling bolstered by his proximity, though I’m sure it was meant to create the opposite effect.“You can block me all you want, I don’t need my power to tell me that.” I took a minute step closer to him, our faces barely an inch apart before adding. “And I’m not looking for an enemy. Your secret, whatever it is, is safe with me.” I brushed past him, relishing the contact our shoulders made, even though it was brief, even though layers of clothes separated us, it still left my entire arm burning with a painful pleasure. I walked out of the room without looking back, following the direction Kael had gone.

I found him shortly down the hallway, talking in a low but impassioned tone, the closest to whispered yelling I had ever witnessed, to Nev. The silence was heavy as I approached, confirming that the topic of discussion had been me, as if I had had any doubt.

I broke the quiet first. “Well, you ready to pack up my old, dull, dreary life?” And with that, everything changed.


	6. Chapter 6

**We can watch the world even if they walk away.**

**Forget about tomorrow, tomorrow is today.**

**You were born a lion and a lion you will stay.**

_Hollywood Undead - Lion_

 

It took a surprisingly short amount of time to move everything to the clan’s manor. I didn’t have much. It was odd how fast my old life faded away. I had no connections which made disappearing scarily easy. Everything that would have been a hindrance for a normal person seemed nothing more than a small speed bump to the clan. Just as Kael had said, Nev and James got me out of my lease, school and work all within an hour or two. I figured Nevaeh’s Gift played a major role, which I assumed was mind control or something along those lines since she had tried it on me.

The house was large, so large that ‘mansion’ seemed to come to mind before ‘house’. It had a distinctly gothic style, as if it had been built centuries ago, all dark rock with green moss growing between the stones like snakes and tall windows that looked fitted to belong in a cathedral. I couldn’t even begin to understand how a place like this didn’t draw attention from the public. Kael had said there were 'protections' against trespassers that wished ill, but that still didn’t seem enough to keep a place like this hidden. Though with the miles upon miles of private forest surrounding the yard, I suppose it wasn’t too far-fetched a possibility.

The grounds spread out around the imposing building in gentle slopes with the occasional gnarled tree or squat bush to break up the rolling green. The back corner of the yard melted into a wooded area fenced off with a large metal gate soaring up above the emerald landscape. The tops of the gate and fence posts curled up and pointed at the sky as if reaching for Heaven, though something about it seemed sad. I made a mental note to check it out when I could. I hadn’t had much time to explore yet and I was itching to get some time alone to sort through everything. I never had been much of a people-person.

Kael mentioned that the beast of a building I was now going to reside in had been one of Nev’s parents’ homes, apparently one of many. It seemed that she was the funding behind the clan, with safe houses scattered throughout numerous cities, states and continents. She was also the one who was the most connected to other clans and families because of her upbringing. Apparently Darklings had a kind of loose hierarchy, enough of a sound structure to allow them to communicate necessities between cities and nations. It wasn’t close to resembling a modern government, but there were certainly levels above individual clans that had some kind of authority. Kael had quickly skimmed over most of it without giving much detail, but a peeved look had been on his face, suggesting he wasn’t a fan of being told what to do. I made a mental note of that as well. He didn’t go in depth on much of anything, he just kept saying that they’d explain everything ‘in due time’ or ‘when we have more time’ or he’d just look at me and smile his puppy-dog grin.

I hated it when people gave answers like that, it was the equivalent to ‘because I said so’, another anti-explanation, non-answer that had always frustrated me, but somehow it was impossible to be annoyed with Kael. I had never met someone quite so happy that didn’t irritate me. His demeanor wasn’t like the peppy blondes from my high school or the fake sorority girls I sometimes saw on campus when I would decide to shake things up and attend a class. No, his happiness was simply real, real and open and impossible to hold against him. I begrudgingly found myself liking him, even though it was foolish, even though I didn’t know anything about him. He was just so damn likeable. Of course the fact that he was handsome had nothing to do with my warm feelings for him. The thought crossed my mind that maybe one of his Darkling ‘Gifts’ or powers was being ridiculously good-natured, but I figured that was most unlikely. I assumed creatures as infamously evil as the descendants of Fallen probably didn’t have powers like ‘happiness’ or ‘likability’.

As I sat in my new room, with plain white walls and dark Victorian furniture, a small part of my brain, maybe the logical part, was still saying this was crazy. That maybe they were some psycho cult who sought out the misfits of society and convinced them that there was something more to life before sacrificing them to a voodoo pagan blood god or making them drink coolaid. But the rest of me believed whole-heartedly. I finally felt like I was starting the life I had always known was real, always known was meant for me. I felt like I was on a path that led somewhere, somewhere I might actually want to go. I felt at peace, no longer having an internal war waging between my mind and my heart. I had never been happier, or at least my version of happy which was probably more like most people’s content, or at least not miserable. I didn’t have the pit of self-loathing and depression pulling at my insides. I didn’t have the cold thoughts in my head about hating life and all the people living it. I didn’t think about death or loss or any of my normal trails of thought, even the dark whispers in my mind were silent for once and my nights weren’t plagued with nightmares. I felt almost normal, almost.

The only problem was the lack of information, the communication lines were strained at best. Nevaeh clearly didn’t like me, and if she was distant, then James had practically become a ghost. In the past five days at the manor, I hardly had more than a glance or two of him. I hoped he wasn’t avoiding me because of our discussion in the library. I hoped I hadn’t spoiled my opportunity here before it had even really begun. After all, he was the leader, if there was one person’s black-list I wanted to stay off, it was his. Luckily, I seemed to have an automatic friend in Kael, he dropped by my room every once in awhile, just to check on how I was adapting. He was truly kind and I found that strange. People were never nice to me without expecting something in return, especially men, but I came to accept fairly quickly that he was a rare type of man and even if I didn’t know him well, I allowed myself to trust him, at least slightly. I kept my eyes open for anything suspicious though, but even my keen paranoia couldn’t find anything alarm-worthy in him. I tried to use my new-found ‘power’ that James thought I had, but with no luck.

From what I had seen of the clan’s mansion, all the bedrooms seemed to be centralized in one long, wide hallway on the top floor. Kael’s room was directly across the hall from mine, and Nev’s was next to his. I hadn’t yet seen where James slept. Kael had given me a quick tour of the mansion on my first day there, but it hadn’t been incredibly thorough, and it hadn’t included James’ room. I absently wondered if he did this on purpose, or maybe James didn’t sleep, maybe he just plugged himself in somewhere at night, or only half of his brain shut off, like a dolphin. I was clearly beginning to go mad from boredom, or I was finally going crazy from lack of interaction with other Darklings. Figures, as soon as I find something I might care about, I’d have my sanity ripped away. I couldn’t think of anything more fitting for my life than to lose my mind just in time to truly appreciate what I was losing.

Apparently this was a busy time for the clan, or maybe all the time was this busy? Regardless, Kael had explained to me that they would give me a week to become acclimated and think things over while they worked some matters out before my training started. He had handed me some blank journals and encouraged me to write my questions, thoughts, anything that could help me work through all of this new information. I was now sitting on my dark blue bedspread, staring out the window with Kael’s notebooks strewn all around me, with just as many questions as before, if not more, and very little cooperating out of the books. Every time I wrote a question or thought, ten more seemed to pop up. It was maddening. I couldn’t even get one down before I forgot three others. I held one small book over the edge of the bed and let it drop, the quiet thud the only sound in the empty house.

After a few more minutes of sitting in silence, my curiosity began to get the best of me. The others had left early that afternoon and Kael had said it would be close to nightfall before they returned. Something about a friend they had to visit a city over. I was fed up with waiting for my week of adjustment to be over with though and since the house was deserted I figured this would be as good a time as any to explore. After all, I wasn’t getting any answers by following the rules. Kael’s suggestion of writing my thoughts didn’t do much in the answers department, since I only knew what I had been told on my first night. I had tried Googleing some terms and questions, but apparently Darklings were good at staying off the grid. I didn’t find a single website or blog that mentioned Angels and Humans’ offspring with any real seriousness in the modern day, just the typical crazy recluses who thought they had seen visions of half-Demon children in their living rooms or historical websites talking about titan-like creatures called Nephilim. Besides, it wasn’t snooping if it was my house, and even if it was considered snooping, I really wasn't bothered. No one would be the wiser, and if we were going to be a group, a clan, I had the right to know what I was getting myself into.

I started with the hall Kael, Nev and my rooms were branched off of. None of the other rooms in the enormous hallway seemed to be currently inhabited though. There were a few spares, a locked door that Kael had told me was the main supplies and weapons room, something like a gym, with tall windows at one end, an office-like study, a couple bathrooms and closets, the library I had woken up in after my ‘accident’ and then one that resembled an infirmary, with clean, white beds, stainless steel fixtures and the thick smell of bleach meant to cover the stench of old blood.

I padded down the plush rug that almost filled the hallway, just barely allowing the hardwood underneath to peak through along the edges. The walls were lined with pictures and periodically had niches indented with busts and statuettes centered in them. Most of the paintings were art pieces of beautiful sceneries, but there were some characters. A picture of a stunning couple caught my eye. The man was clearly Middle Eastern; tall and handsome, with strong features and eyes that looked stern. Authority seemed to flow from him and I could only imagine what his true presence would have been if just his depiction was so commanding. The woman with him looked of African descent, she had Nevaeh’s eyes with wild, curly hair, beautiful and natural. The resemblance was obvious. The pair looked stoic but the woman had a sparkle in her eyes and a part of me wondered if Nevaeh used to have that same look…before her parents were taken from her. The stairway at the end of the hall widened out to curve down into a large, elegant entryway of buffed wood and a sitting room off to the right. I assumed James didn’t sleep on the Victorian-esque designed loveseat, so I continued. I don’t know when my exploration became a quest to find his room, but now that I had started, I might as well continue; no point in denying my curiosity now that I was already on the move.

I followed the large first level hall towards the back of the massive mansion searching for a more promising room. The end of the hall opened into a kitchen on the left and a media room on the right, complete with an obscenely large flat-screen mounted on the far wall. The kitchen was all shining chrome, polished granite and touch screens. It was beautifully high-tech, even though I assumed it didn’t get near the use it deserved. I couldn’t picture any of the clan cooking and even the thought of Nevaeh peeling potatoes or stirring a soup made me smile. James seemed too cocky to cook, too arrogant to do something so mundane. And Kael almost seemed too large to look proportionate in the kitchen, no matter how grand it was. The entire back wall of the kitchen and media room that faced the backyard was made of glass, showing a remarkable view of the massive metal gates in the south-west corner of the yard, with the forest close behind, _my_ forest, which was apparently actually _their_ forest. The woods were immense, allowing the mansion to practically be in a different area code than my apartment had been. The glass wall faced west and I absently wondered how beautiful the sunsets were out of the windowed wall.

I turned back to the hallway and checked a couple doors. No living quarters. I went to the only door on the right wall of the hall where Kael had told me the basement was during his brief house-tour. The door was built into the dark paneled walls and blended in perfectly. If Kael hadn’t brought it to my attention I might have missed it. I fumbled for a moment, my fingers searching for a way to open the confounding passage. Finally I found a small latch that pulled up along the center woodwork and the door silently swung open. I was surprised by the view, stone steps that looked ancient, smoothly sloping down and curving away into shadows. The walls were a dark, glossy rock that reflected light and were cool to the touch. There were stout overhead lights that shed a dull yellow glow on the stairway. I glanced back towards the brightly lit kitchen and then towards the entryway before I stepped down into the gaping stone mouth, closing the door behind me with a quiet click.

It was cool and quiet in the stairwell and I could hear my footsteps reverberating down below. The stairs seemed to go on for a very long time, gradually spiraling downwards, but I might have just been feeling uneasy because of the silence and lack of natural light. I felt buried alive. I had never liked being underground, the air was too still. The end of the stairs led out to a small landing. I slowed as I saw that the lights were off and the room past the landing’s weak light was plunged into total darkness.

I stood at the edge of the light for a moment before stepping into the inky shadow, the feeling was welcomed. There was almost a slight pressure on my skin, like the darkness held some small weight. It was calming to be under its protective wing, in its shade. I had always felt this way about the dark, but now I felt like I understood why. I was drawn to darkness because I was from darkness, just like my parents, just like their parents. I always thought there was something dark in me, that I was somehow wrong. Now I had proof, it was in my blood. I had the blood of an Angel, perfect in every way, who had been thrown from Heaven, broken in every way and now vile and cruel to the depths of its soulless being. That’s what I was from, that’s what I was. Oddly enough, it didn’t upset me or even surprise me, though it's possible my lifelong fortified apathy could have underwhelmed any origin explanation. It seemed close to how I imagine someone diagnosed with a terminal illness must feel, the outcome may not be what they had hoped for, but at least they had an answer, a name, an explanation. That’s how I felt; at least I knew what I was, the rest I could handle.

For the first time in a long time I thought of my parents. I wondered what they had been like. Were they together? Were they both Darklings or just one? Did the one know what the other was or had it just been a meaningless night with a seductive stranger? Were my parents bad, the evil creatures Nev and James had made them out to be? Or had they been good? Had they overcome their nature, if that was even possible for Fourths? If they even were Fourths. Maybe they were both Darklings and therefore wouldn’t have to be Fourths at all, that would make sense I assumed, though I didn’t really understand how percentages were passed down if both parents were from Fallen. If they _had_ been good, why did they leave me? If they had been bad, what were they doing now? Were they even still alive?

A cold thought hit me like a wall, sending a bolt of shock down my spine. What if James and his clan had killed them? If they were evil and he had ever come across them in his presumably violent past, he wouldn’t have hesitated. Worse, what if the clan hadn’t met them yet? What if they killed them while I was with them? What if _I_ had to kill them? I had never felt connected to my biological parents. I hadn’t been lying when I had told James I didn’t have any problem, or the typical angst, about being adopted, but I honestly wondered if I could kill my birth parents, even if they were dark. Would I even recognize them? I was curious to see if I was as capable of all the horrors I’d always imagined I was. Could I kill people, Demons, Fallen? Probably. But my parents? I guess I’d just have to wait and see, if I even ever met them, if they were even still around, or alive.

As I had been standing in the still blackness, pondering my propensity for patricide, my eyes had adjusted to the dark perfectly. The room materialized before me and I was shocked by its size; as big as a warehouse but set up like a gymnasium. There were weights and punching bags of all shapes and sizes on one half of the massive room, but the other side was completely bare. The high ceiling explained why the stairs had seemed to descend forever. There were thick wooden beams crossing the width of the room high overhead but besides that, the far side of the room was utterly featureless. There were three doors scattered around the perimeter, and as my night vision heightened I saw a set of light switches on the wall to my right. I flipped one and a slight hum filled the air as the industrial lights started booting up.

I tried the first door and found an equipment room, full to the brim with every kind of training weapon, weight equipment and safety prop imaginable. There were wooden poles of varying heights, both blunt and speared, flattened as well as sharp arrows, many weapons that looked medieval and even more I had never seen before, twists of wood, shards of metal and a whole case of vials, filled with powders and liquids in milky, clouded colors. There were numerous bins along one wall that each held small balls, like smooth grenades, of varying sizes and curve. There were markings on the bins, but they didn’t make sense to me, just tickling the edges of my thoughts, teasing my mind.

The room was very organized, every weapon and mat had its own box, holder or neat pile. It reminded me of the painstaking measures I took to organize my store, though I had done that out of boredom, while whoever did this seemed to have done it out of care. Clearly, someone spent a lot of time down here. I stepped back and closed the door with a clang that echoed through the large room, bouncing off the walls and rumbling in my ears.

The second door was on the opposite wall. My footsteps sounded small in the enormous room as I walked across. I reached the door and grabbed the handle, the metal was surprisingly warm, like coins that have been in your hands for too long. I twisted the knob and pushed. The door swung open with some resistance. It was heavy, a thick wood that seemed unnecessary, like a barricade. I peered in and felt a jolt of elation; I had found James’ room.

Lair or sanctuary was probably a better word for the space than bedroom. The room was dimly lit, allowing shadows to gather in the corners. It was warm, very warm, a dry heat and almost immediately my skin felt hot. There was a roaring fireplace in the center of the right wall, which had been left unattended. A large four-post bed was centered on the wall opposite the fire. The room smelled sweet and smoky, like the woods at night. There was a slight pine smell as well; it matched James’ scent perfectly.

I made to step into the room, instead of peering in from the other side of his threshold, but hesitated a second, my foot hovering just over the hard wood floor. I cautiously touched the tip of my big toe to the ground and froze, expecting alarms and sirens to blare, announcing my intrusion. My eyes scanned the room for any disturbance and I realized my ears were straining to hear if anything had changed, but all I heard was the fire contentedly crackling. I flattened my foot and slowly moved into the room, allowing the door to shut behind me. I scanned the room more thoroughly from left to right.

The wall on my left had a small table made of a dark, polished wood that matched the bed, it had a lamp on it, along with a black book and pen. There was a dark burgundy bedspread, the color of drying blood, smoothly pulled up over dark sheets, which hung below the bedspread and showed from the sides. The walls were floor to ceiling paneled in the same dark wood as the bed frame. No windows, obviously. The whole room was brown-black wood with points of dark crimson and various shades of gray. It appealed to me. The room wasn’t small and it was divided into the obvious sleeping quarters on the left and what looked like a lounge area with seating near the fireplace and a large flat screen mounted on the wall in one corner to my right. A sleek computer was set up on a tidy desk next to the door. Nothing personal or intimate was on any of the shelves or tables, no pictures, no mementoes, only necessities and practical items. Even with the lack of personal touches, the room still held the strong essence of James, maybe because of the lack of personal touches.

There was a large built-in bookshelf covering most of the far wall and it was packed with row upon row of books. The area in front of the fire had a large rug underfoot, the hardwood floor reappearing near the bed. The sole source of light, the fire, made everything look sinister, with shadows jumping as the flames rose and fell, flipping over one another. Even with the ghostly shadows running along the walls and floorboards something about the smell and warmth of the room seemed oddly inviting to me, like I really was in a sanctuary. It was certainly not a sanctuary for the holy, but then again, I was far from holy. I suddenly felt like I was trespassing somewhere extremely private, like I had broken into someone’s dream. A flash of the unseen presence from my daydream at work flew through my mind, but it felt like a decade ago now. I shook the memory away.

Cautiously I walked to the bookcase and checked the binding’s titles on the top shelf just above eye-level. I was surprised by a number of poetry books I recognized; Cummings, Poe, Rimbaud, Pound, Blake, Brown. I had never pegged James as the artsy type. He seemed more of the infuriatingly-arrogant-type, which in my experience with men meant he was either covering up for a small intellect, or a small something-else. There were also numerous books that mentioned Hell, Demons, curses, Angels or dark myths in their titles. So he was keeping up on his research. I wondered how many of these books held truth and how many James silently laughed at as he read through them, with his mocking little smile pulling up at one corner of his perfect mouth. The shelf beneath was full of strange heavy-looking books who’s titles were indecipherable, like the symbols on the bins in the equipment room. The symbols gave me a headache the more I looked at them and my eyes began to swim. Maybe the Fallen had their own language.

Further down the shelf there were ancient philosophers’ and poets’ works along with some classics, Dante’s Inferno and Paradise Lost jumped out at me as ones I had read too. The bottom shelf ended near my knees, I crouched down and saw a series of thin, black, leather books, like the one on the nightstand. They looked like journals, and there were a lot of them. I wondered if they were all James’, I couldn’t quite picture him journaling, pouring his thoughts and emotions onto a page. Of course I guess it would make sense; a page can’t tell your secrets, can’t betray you, unless the wrong person got their hands on it. Like me.

I was debating how bad it would be to take one out, while weighing the possibility that he would somehow know versus what knowledge and juicy secrets they may hold when I heard a low voice politely clear itself from behind me. I spun around, trying to erase the culpable appearance from my face, and there he stood, leaning in the doorframe, his posture relaxed but attentive with a look of amusement on his face, like he found my snooping comical. He must have been blocking me since I hadn’t felt him there, my ‘Gift’ felt as if I was still alone in the room.

“Lost again?” He asked smoothly, his easy, one-sided smile pulling up at the edge of his mouth, a look of delight played slightly hidden in his eyes.

I made a quick decision to go the bold route since I had already been caught.

“Just exploring, I figured I had to find my own answers. You aren’t exactly very helpful.” I flashed him a flirtatious smile.

“Well, you never asked.” He said in an injured tone as he sauntered into his room. “I would have gladly told you every detail about my life if you had merely spoken the words, dear little lamb.” His eyes glittered with mischief.

“I prefer to learn by doing.” I smiled back at him, picking up one of the black books and seating myself on the chair farthest from the fire. I was beginning to feel uncomfortably hot.

James looked like he had had a rough trek into the city, he had mud splattered up his jeans and his hair looked disheveled and damp, there was a little grime on the side of his neck and his hands were dirty as well. Maybe it was raining out…or he had been digging? I hadn’t been outside all day to smell the air or notice if rain was on its way and the thought made me suddenly feel claustrophobic. I spent a lot of time outdoors usually, it was one of my many defense mechanisms against going crazy, against hating my life too much. Nature sometimes looked magical to me, even before I knew that magic could really exist. Sometimes the way moonlight hit a tree, or a creek shimmered as it ran down its path could look even more surreal than scenes from movies, or my own daydreams. But I had been so focused on getting situated the last few days, so mentally exhausted from all that I had learned, so caught up in trying to understand what the hell was happening around me, I had completely forgotten to even go for a short walk to catch fresh air and unwind. I started to plan when I could possibly slip away and go out into the woods when I noticed James was watching me.

He studied me for a long moment, the playfulness that had danced behind his eyes slowly replaced by a thoughtful look. He looked like he was debating saying something. Finally after another beat of silence he decided to speak.

“You live inside your head too much.” He said bluntly, like he was stating a fact.

“Well it’s always been there for me, what else in this world can you say that about? Besides, don’t you think it would be a little foolish of me to open up to you guys so soon after we’ve met?” I spoke truthfully, something about talking to James in private made me want to be honest. "I’m not the type to let others in quickly. I thought _you_ would understand that. My mind is like your books.” I added as I lifted the black book I still held.

“We’ve let _you_ in, we’ve opened up our home to you, our haven. We’re willing, but you aren’t.” Again, he sounded like he was simply stating facts, no emotion inflecting his voice, almost to an inhuman extent. I looked back for a moment, wishing I knew what he was thinking, and for one of the few times in my life, getting nothing, no inkling of thoughts, no whisper in my head. I realized I wasn't good at reading people at all actually, only my Gift gave me any kind insight into others. I pulled myself back to the conversation at hand.

“Technically, yes, you’ve given me a room, allowed me to stay here, but I still know next to nothing about you. Any of you. Wouldn’t you be wary of people who turn your world upside down one night and then follow up by telling you nothing, telling you to wait around for a week, twiddling your thumbs? Especially since you all know each other already. I’m the outsider, I have a reason to be guarded, to doubt your intentions. I have something to prove, though I don’t even know what since you haven’t told me yet.” I placed an icy glare on him, dropping all pretense of nonchalant chatting. The more I said about my frustrations, the more the feelings grew in me until now I was at the edge of truly being angry.

He ignored my glare and spoke in a low, cautionary tone. “Would you really like to know more? Once you learn these things about yourself, you can’t return. Once you come with us, there’s no going back. You’re old life will slip away. You’ll be changed, completely and maybe not for the better.” He paused for a moment to take a long breath.

“This life isn’t an easy one; we die young, we constantly have to recognize that any day might be our last, we endure more pain in a year than Humans do in their entire lives. We lose those we care about, we lose ourselves sometimes. There is no rest, no peace, no escape. This is not an attractive life, there’s nothing admirable about being a warrior. Nothing glamorous about living your entire life protecting Heaven’s interests and still burning when you die. We get no reward, we get no thanks, we only fight, bleed, die and burn. Pulvis et umbra sumus.” He finished in a low voice, leaving my gaze to look across the room, towards the fireplace.

“That’s why we give the week, there’s no use in us spilling our secrets if you’re just going to run back to who you were.” His eyes slowly rose to mine and bore into me with an intensity I hadn’t known could exist in such a beautiful way. I dropped mine to the floor quickly.

“I have nothing to run back to.” I said quietly before I even realized the words had slipped out. I looked up at James, hoping by some miracle he hadn’t heard my weakness show through.

He was still looking at me with his head slightly tilted to one side, a complex mix of emotions warring in his eyes; curiosity, surprise, interest, regret, understanding and deep in his stare, underneath all else, something tormented, something wanting and lost and broken. We looked at each other for a moment longer before he slowly shook his head and moved his gaze to the book in my lap. Immediately a clever smile played with the corners of his lips.

“Are you planning on reading through my journal? How very invasive.” He made a point to sound reprimanding.

“That sounds like a challenge, Lion. First thing you should know about me, since I’m letting you in and all, is to never challenge me; dares, bets, anything of the sort. I can’t stand backing down, and I rarely lose.” I gave a flourish as I made to open the book, pausing to look over the top of it at him deviously before I flipped it open, staring down at the paper. The entire sheet held small, heavy handwriting, beautiful in an artistic way I hadn’t been expecting. It wasn’t English or any other language I recognized and it took me a moment to realize that the page was filled with the same markings and symbols I had seen on his bookshelf and in the training room.

I gave an exaggerated sigh of dissatisfaction and looked up in mock annoyance. James looked as if he had been barely containing his laughter as he waited for me to notice his trick. He tilted his head back and gave a bark of laughter, almost happy, but not quite, more mischief than true joy. When our eyes met, his sparkled with wayward enjoyment again.

“You must have been an exhausting child.” I chided tiredly, as if my conversation with him had drained me.

He gave the closest thing to a real smile I had seen from him yet, not quite truly reaching his eyes, but at least the mouth was convincing, a sliver of straight, white teeth making a fleeting appearance.

“I had my moments, mainly from my terrible twos until early adulthood…”

“Oh so this is you all grown up and subdued?” I acted as if I was having a revelation.

“Well of course, can’t you see my maturity shining through in everything I do?”  His humor made me crack a smile too despite myself, it was infectious.

I walked over to where he stood and pushed the book into his chest.

“Let me know the next time you’re out so I can nose around some more, you cut me short.”

He leaned back on the wall again as I held the book to him, as relaxed as if he were lounging on a bed. Involuntarily my eyes flicked to his bed and just as quickly his gaze followed mine, settling on the object I had accidentally glanced to. I saw a spark of something cross his eyes, but it was gone so fast I couldn’t tell what it was. I made it the rest of the way past him and began walking across the gym towards the stairs. I had gotten used to how warm his room had been and now goose bumps ran up my arms.

Halfway across the floor I heard him call out in a slightly bemused tone.

“Did you call me Lion?”

I only half-turned.

“Well, you seem to have an endless supply of nicknames for me, it seemed about time that I gave you one as well. Goodnight, Lion.” I said coyly.

I was almost to the stairs when the electricity hit me like a sheet of warm rain, a shiver of pleasure ran up my spine.

_Your training starts tomorrow. Get plenty of rest. Goodnight, little Lamb._


	7. Chapter 7

**You play with the wolves,**

**But you sleep with the bones of the rabbit**

**I was only a child. It makes no sense.**

_Young Heretics - Bones of a Rabbit_

 

The city smelled. I hated cities. Dirty streets filled with stupid people living their insignificant little lives. Crowded together like animals, mindlessly following each other towards death, marching closer and closer to the end of their pathetic flimsy lives without even opening their fogged, crusted eyes to the world. Humans were so useless. Sometimes I wondered why we even bothered to waste our lives saving them when they meant so little in the grand scheme of things. Why did it matter if they died at the hands of a demon or the burgers they loved so much? Sometimes I thought we should just spend our time protecting our own, our families and those with precious blood, not mundane Humans with nothing grander than their nine to fives and dinner plans on their puny, self-caged minds. But at least this trip gave me something to do.

Now that we had a newbie we would most likely spend the next few months sticking close to the house, training her and making her as un-useless as was possible for such a stupid girl. What a terrible fourth member, but no one ever listened to my opinion, and James and Kael’s votes outweighed mine anyways. At least I was out of the house for now, and James would see what a lovely team-player I was by coming along on his stupid journey into town. Plus, I didn’t want to be home with the baby-Darkling-bitch.

James looked especially dull today, he had laid his glamour on thicker than usual. Maybe it was because he was paranoid since the house-arrested girl had seen through it. Maybe he just really didn’t want little Humans chasing him around today. It didn’t matter to me though, his glamour was still weak enough that I could see through it without much concentration. Like seeing a masterpiece through a cloudy pane of glass, some details were lost, but I could see the main points of the picture, and it was certainly a glorious portrait.

Kael was quiet for the entirety of our walk through the city. Probably still mulling over how a Demon had gotten into our woods without him noticing, without an alarm being triggered. I knew it had been eating away at him, he was the one charged with the responsibility of keeping us hidden and safe when we were in our woods or at one of our homes and up until this past week he had never failed. He had spent every night since the attack searching for answers, walking the woods, checking each charm and spell individually, strengthening them and checking for any holes or tampering, replacing the old with new ones, adding more. He and James had both gone out last night, but they hadn’t been able to find a thing different or wrong with our perimeter. Kael had been pissy all day because of it, but James acted like nothing was wrong, like it didn’t concern him in the least bit. He acted just as calm as ever. He was always so damn calm. It was insanely attractive. He was so controlled, so completely in control of himself it came off as cold and I loved it. Cold, calm control, with a love of violence, hard shell on the outside, nothing on the inside and a face like Lucifer himself; what more could a girl ask for? He was flawless.

He was exquisitely broken. I didn’t know why, he had never confided that much in me and to be honest I didn’t really care to know how it had happened. I didn’t need to know what from his past had scarred him so deeply, maimed him, I just got to enjoy the end result. He was beautiful in a terrible way, a way that gave him an emptiness I desired, even if I didn’t understand it. All I knew was that he was ruined, he was already so far gone when we had met, destroyed by something, and I loved it, I wanted it. He wasn’t even a man, just our leader, just a Darkling, just the casing of a real person, a soulless hunter trapped in a body this world could handle. He was everything I wished I could be; pain covered so deeply you’d hardly know it was there, emotions so stifled they almost didn’t exist, anger only let out when blood was required. He had an apathy for life, like he truly didn’t care if he lived or died. Sometimes it seemed like the only reason he fought to survive was because he was too cocky to lose to an opponent, too arrogant to let someone else get the best of him. Boys and their egos were so cute sometimes.

His darkness was beautiful to me too, though I knew that was a slick slope. The gleam he got in his eyes when he could truly play out his darkest fantasies, when he had a good enough excuse to kill, to rip, to torture. It was like light glinting off a razor’s sharpened edge, beautiful in a deadly way, the best kind of beauty for Darklings. And then he could hide it so quickly, cover it so completely, you would never know he needed it, craved it. He could go from calmly indifferent to deadly violence in the matter of a second, and then back again. His control was magnificent and his violence unparalleled. His Shifted form was the most striking I had ever seen, all rage and dark, hellish instincts. In many ways, he was cured of his humanity, that’s what made him so powerful. He had all the carnal power of a true Fallen, with the control of one with a majority Human blood, but none of their weaknesses. The very best of both creatures. Flawless. I wanted it, and if I couldn’t house the individual elements myself, I would just have to own the one who did. He would be mine, I just had to try. I always got what I wanted.

We arrived at a small house with an old, peeling white-washed porch and ugly half-dead hanging pots scattered on it. The yard was more of a dirt lot with ambitious yellow-green weeds springing up on occasion. It smelled, a mixture of dirt and garbage and wet dog. I glanced at James, again, but he was staring at the front door with a slight smile on his face. He was almost always smiling, though I doubted it was ever actually from enjoyment. His smile was more for the arrogant look it gave his face. I loved it when he smiled like that, like he knew something you didn’t, like he knew everything, like he was god. Suddenly the door opened a crack and James strode up the sidewalk, which had strangled weeds sticking up through its crack as well, as if he had been invited in. I followed and Kael walked after me.

The house was dimly lit, and dirty, varied drug paraphernalia lay around on the counters and furniture, and there was filth piled in every corner. Several disgusting people were passed out on couches or sporadically on the floor between broken liquor bottles. They smelled. All of them were in dirty shreds of clothing, utterly repulsive. All clearly nearing their last few days or weeks of life due to their recreational activities, I'm sure. I tried to make my breathing as shallow as possible, but it was no use, the stench of garbage had already permeated my nostrils. There was one man, close to our age, who wasn’t unconscious or deep in a drugged stupor, leaning on the kitchen’s dirty counter. He had a white shirt on that had only a few burn holes at the bottom of it and ripped, dirty jeans. He was barefoot and I couldn’t help but cringe at the thought of what his feet might be touching on the unsanitary floor.

James stood in front of Kael and I, his feet in a wide stance and his arms crossed over his chest, he had his head tilted up and back in a distinctly bored, superior way. He was putting on his big, bad leader show that always seemed to work on people, understandably. James certainly made for an imposing house-guest even without Kael’s bulk looming behind him. I watched as James released his glamour until he stood in all his brilliance, looking like a true Angel. The guy against the counter had a confident little smile on his face, but it looked more like a default than how he was actually feeling. His eyes looked scared, though he was attempting to shield it from our detection. I saw him swallow, a knot moving down his throat as he tried to push down his panic. A bead of sweat sat on his collar bone, the low light reflecting off of it. If I had been a dog I could have probably smelled his fear, that is, if I could get my nose past the stench the room already held. He had light skin and his hair was so blond it almost looked white. His light grey eyes swept the room like he felt cornered but he didn’t change his smile or his casual posture. Smart move, better to not show your anxiety, though I’m sure James could see it as clearly as I could. I wasn’t the only observant member of our clan, Kael…not so much.

“Hello King, to what do I owe this full-clan visit?” The guy across the kitchen said slowly. He had an English accent I hadn’t been expecting. It was almost cute.

“Ace, this is Nevaeh and Kael; my partners. Nevvie, brother, this is Ace. We go way back.” The words sounded intimidating as James said them, as if by ‘way back’ James meant they had a colorful and not always pleasant past together. The fact that this white-haired man had called James ‘King’ said as much.

James had many names he was known by, and often that was a way I could tell who certain people were, or at least who James was to them. He had different names for different eras of his past. King was one of the earliest ones I knew of. That meant this Ace character knew James as a young, possibly less-controlled version of himself. How interesting. Young Darklings, especially without supervision, like I assumed James had been, were often the most dangerous; impulsive, easily angered, and not yet sure which side of the fight they would adhere to. Interesting indeed. I didn’t know much about this particular nickname’s reputation, but I knew it meant that they had met years before my or even Kael’s time and it meant that, most likely, they had met on violent terms. ‘King’ was a name James had been given during a fairly bloody time in his past…that I knew for a fact. He had dropped the title years ago, but some acquaintances still clung to it.

The way the man had said the title, without a sneer or any false grandeur meant he was either truly terrified that James could snap and kill him at any moment, or he respected James and allowed him the title. So he had either seen James in action, or heard horror stories. Interesting indeed.

James and Ace locked eyes for a moment before James settled into a more comfortable stance, putting his weight back on his heals as if preparing to wait for something. Ace dropped his crossed arms and let out a breath before he spoke, clearly conceding.

“Pleasure to meet you both. So sorry I couldn’t of cleaned up, I wasn’t aware I would be having additional guests. My apologies.” Ace sounded irritated as he dipped his head with his welcome, but he was trying hard to cover it. His eyes nervously shifted around the room again, jumping from Kael to James to me. His eyes were actually more of a light blue than the grey I had originally thought. They were almost pretty.

“Glad you found your manners, I know how they can get away from you at times. I wasn’t aware you had such lively friends, is there somewhere more private we could speak?” James sounded perfectly polite as he spoke, but his eyes had their deadly edge. I hoped we’d be able to kill this man tonight. He was cute, but I was bored, and he was irritating me. He had barely even looked at me, and I looked damn good today, maybe he was gay.

“Um, yes…I mean of course, Dar…King. I believe what you want to see is out back anyways, I had some of my guard dogs dig it up.” By now the poor thing was visibly scared, clearly he didn’t want to be alone with us, even though I doubted his incapacitated comrades could be of much help to him if death was in his immediate future.

I felt my Shift itch under my skin just thinking of his bright, steaming blood painting the ugly walls. The smell of it as his life drained away would be glorious compared to the stench this little home had. As if he sensed my thoughts, James looked over at me for the first time all day and inched his head to the side slightly, mutely telling me to keep myself under control. I rolled my shoulders and looked away, annoyed. He took the fun out of everything. Kael let out a low chuckle next to me. Damn boys.

Ace walked out a side door from the kitchen that lead to a dirty, dark garage and then out to the back yard, which was equally dirty, though not as dark. He kept looking over his shoulders at us and his stiff gait told me he was expecting a knife between his shoulder blades any moment. His back was tensed under his thin shirt and sweat made it stick to his shoulders even though the temperature had been low all day. It was adorable in a weak way. I licked my lips, maybe I had misjudged this snowy dog, maybe he could be fun. I’d heard his kind was full of heat and passion like the animals they were, maybe I’d test the rumor. Kael hit me with the back of his hand and rolled his eyes, passing me to walk next to James. He always knew when I was thinking something dirty, it was so irritating, just like how James could tell when I was thinking something violent. My boys took away all my fun. It’s not like Kael didn’t take every opportunity to roll around with random women of any blood line; Underworld, mortal, Overworld. As long as they weren’t Darklings, he had no qualms against giving in. But I knew that was only because Ambriel was gone. I absently wondered what it felt like to be in love, and then lose it. I imagined it felt similar to losing one’s parents…or a sister. But somehow it seemed like it would be different, maybe not worse, just different.

The man walked to the back corner of the yard, bits of overgrown grass and prickly weeds occasionally sprinkling the dirt ground. Half of a hole was dug out near the base of a large skeletal tree, long ago dead. James walked over to the edge and looked in, while Ace tensely stood next to him, drumming his hands on his thighs and looking over at James every few seconds trying to gage his reaction. James merely looked calm and collected, as always. Kael was hanging back, so I did too, James would motion for us when the time was right. It was always best in these situations to act like his subordinates, especially around Ace’s type; pack hierarchy was important to them. Plus, I didn’t want to walk around the dirty yard any more than was absolutely necessary to be honest.

Suddenly James jumped down into the pit in a smooth motion. The hole was about upper-thigh height on him, making all but his back disappear when he bent down to brush at something by his feet. He tossed a grayish item up to Kael, who caught it deftly. It was a hand, a hand with a black Spoken rune burnt into the palm, clearly not postmortem. I didn’t know Spoken fluently, almost no one did anymore, but I knew this mark; revenge. Some of the fingers were broken and now stuck out stiffly at awkward angles, the bubble-gum pink of the nail polish standing out against the grey skin. Kael turned the cold hand over and looked back to James, I was sure they both knew the rune’s meaning. They locked eyes for a moment, no emotion on either man’s face. They were so good at this, at talking with their eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were having an entire fucking conversation while I stood there in the stupid, smelly yard, with the light-haired man who didn’t seem to notice the gorgeous woman he had standing not even five yards away from him. Silly, fucking boys.

James moved a couple other things around in the hole, presumably more body parts, though I couldn’t see to be sure, before hoisting himself back out and sitting on the edge of the hole, his legs dangling down into the pit, his hands muddy.

“How many have you…discovered?” James asked, looking up at Ace for the last word.

“Here we have three, but at our other houses we have seven total, uh well, c-combined.” Ace sounded more nervous than ever, which made sense, being the owner of dead Human pieces was never smart if you were trying to stay on James’ good side. And James’ casual manner as he sat in the dirt probably seemed like a ruse.

“Names? Ages? Gender? Any information on them at all? Any connections between them at all?” James sounded businesslike and this seemed to put Ace at ease, at least a bit.

“They range in age, from late fifties to…well young, maybe six, seven? But where they don’t deviate is gender. They’re all female. And for connections, they’re all Darklings, though some so diluted they couldn't have put up much of a fight.”

Kael tensed next to me as Ace finished his answer and shifted his eyes to James, almost as if to reassure him. I saw Kael dip his head ever so slightly but it wasn’t necessary, besides James’ grip on the edge of the pit tightening, grinding the dirt against his palm, he gave nothing away. He answered with a short nod at Ace and stood, dropping the dirt he still held in his balled fists.

“We’ll be in touch. We appreciate your clean-up services, keep up the discretion and speed and you’ll continue to reap the benefits of having us as your allies.” James sounded like he was ready to be done, and after the news of the all-female butchering, I could understand why. James had always had a weak spot for women, usually Human, but a tortured and dismembered six year old Darkling girl was apparently vulnerable enough to get his blood boiling as well.

The walk to the car was a quiet one, as expected. James was in a bad mood now, meaning he was quiet, quiet and still. He had this odd ability to be completely still, like he wasn’t even breathing, like he wasn’t even alive. It reminded me of the Night Children. How they could stand so still they looked like statues, but in their case they often really weren’t breathing. James looked something like that, sitting next to Kael in the front seat, staring out the window, completely unmoving.

I sat in the back, watching the world blur by while stealing glances at James. Wondering what it was like to be so completely in your own head, your own world. Somehow the boys read me well enough to almost know what I was thinking, and James and I both knew Kael that well…but James was as much a mystery to me today as he was the day he had shown up on my doorstep, trying to convince me and my sister to join him. He had some outward signs that occasionally gave me clues, but when he sat completely still, only his eyes moving, it was impossible to even guess at the workings inside his head. I gave up trying as we approached our woods and the private, hidden drive that wound up to our manor.

The sun was lowering, just touching the top of our house, dipping below it slowly when we pulled into the garage off to the side. James was out of the car and halfway across the grass to the front door before Kael and I had even opened our doors. He was certainly troubled by today’s little fieldtrip, even if the only true sign of this was his lack of signs. I sighed and followed him towards the house, hoping he would stop in the kitchen, or the media room, somewhere to have a clan meeting, to explain our next step or discuss our options as a group. The fact that there were now two serial killers in the city was something I suspected he would want to talk with us about. But instead he went straight for the basement. I could have let him go, let him mourn for the women in peace, but his mood was boring me so I tried to pull a little fun before he was too far out of earshot.

“Running to your castle, little King?” I placed mocking emphasis on the nickname, knowing he would still be able to hear me, even if he was already nearly down the stairs. I heard his shoe scuff the ground and vainly hoped he had turned around to emerge again. Even his anger would be better than his silence. But instead of reemerging, I felt a warmth and then a burn by my right ear. My hand flew to my hair, where a small piece had spontaneously combusted. I may have made some unnecessarily rapid hand motions, and possibly a shrill noise or two escaped me, but this was my hair, my _hair_! Fucking Fire Signs. James had always used his elemental Gift to vex me. Kael pinched the flame out casually as he walked by, the smell of burnt hair hanging thickly in the air. I ran up to my room to check the damage and fix my glossy black mane back into its usual smooth perfection. Fucking Fire Signs.


	8. Chapter 8

**A gilded world is all I see, but gold can't hide what's underneath.**

_Adestria - Blinders_

 

I considered listening to the wise suggestion to go to bed early that had been James' parting gift, but I wasn’t the least bit tired, just being near him gave me energy. He was like a live wire, even without his electricity running through me I still felt rejuvenated from our encounter, like he radiated life and vitality. Plus I had been cooped up for too long and now that I was out of my room, I felt adventurous.

By the time I reached the top of the stone-carved staircase the fading light of the low sun trickling through the trees had made a pattern of stretched shadows on the floor, pointing towards the front of the house. I backtracked the dark streaks to the glass wall and looked out at the scene; all the green seemed to be ablaze from the sunset’s red and orange tones. The fence was shining like gold across the lawn, like Heaven’s gates, and I was captured by the simple beauty of them for a moment. I lightly placed my fingertips against the window, it was cooler than I had expected and it reminded me that I hadn’t been outside in days. The claustrophobia from earlier returned, making my chest tighten and the air feel heavy around me, even in the large, open kitchen. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep even if I tried, so instead I grabbed my hoodie from the front closet and quietly opened the ornately carved door.

The nights had cooled since my last run. Autumn was slowly growing stronger and I pulled my hood up against the chill as I walked down the worn steps of the porch. The evening was just beginning to wind down, day-birds starting to fall silent and instead be replaced by the rhythmic noises of crickets and owls. I felt a coil of tension unwind as I walked through the cool grass, the clean air welcome to my lungs. I tried to make a mental note to open the window later that night, fresh air had always managed to calm me.

The house cast an enormous dark shadow on the ground of the front yard, slowly advancing towards the trees. I made my way around the side of the manor before pausing in front of the metal bars of the gate, seeing the age of them for the first time. There were grey stones speared intermittently by the bars, providing a solid anchor for the tall fence. From this close up, the gate looked an old bronze color, beautiful in a vintage sort of way. I reached out and touched one of the bars of the entrance. The shining gold color alluded to warmth but it was as if the metal pulled the heat from me, cold like the frozen touch of death. I pushed lightly and it swung open without a sound from obvious frequent use.

The view before me shifted from plain grass to a careful landscape, bushes and trimmed trees slowly growing denser and closer together, obscuring my view. The area was well kept, with a loose stone path weaving back into the shade of the woods. Maybe it was the resemblance to my woods back home, or the relief of being outside of the house, but I felt inexplicably drawn into the dark blot of trees. The sun was quickly fading and I didn’t have much time until nightfall, so I hurried down the path, curious to see where it led.

The woods thickened, almost completely blocking the sun’s waning rays and slowly the ground gave way, sloping down into a small valley plunged in shadow. From my distance I could see hazy white rocks materialize below, spread about haphazardly under trees or near the small pond in the center of the clearing. The water of the pond was perfectly clear and still and it reflected back the early autumn branches above, some with stubborn green leaves still, some full of color. I made my way closer to the pond and a particular white rock that was placed directly before it, like a person sitting on a bench in a park or garden. I walked around the stone until my back was to the water; it was smooth and clean, despite obviously being a permanent outdoor fixture. Something about it seemed vaguely familiar. As I stood in front of it I combed my brain for where I might have seen the pale rock before…history channel or museum. Maybe this place was a kind of Darkling Zen garden. Whatever its purpose, the setting was beautiful, filled with serenity yet strong and free.

I sat down by the rock, leaning my back against it and watched the pond’s mirrored surface, so still it looked like glass. There was a pile of pebbles to my left and threw them in one by one, watching the ripples spread over the glass and enjoying the disruption they made, breaking up the plain surface. Suddenly the soft sound of the rocks falling into the water was joined by the distant noise of a leaf crinkling as it was stepped on. The noise stopped as abruptly as it had started, as if the cause had heard the noise and tried to silence it lest it give itself away. I swiveled my head to the right, expecting Kael or even James, but as far as I could see, nothing living was in the direction of the noise. I slowly rose as I realized my calm was gone, replaced by the paranoid feeling of being secretly watched. I glanced around once more before retracing my steps out of the white rock garden, the sun just disappearing below the horizon.

\---

I was surprised to find her in my room. Not only was it rare for any clan member to be there, it was still strange for me to not be able to feel someone’s presence. I had to search for her, focus, strain my mind to try and find any spark from her and sometimes she was still invisible to me. She was like a phantom, drifting through my defenses as if they were nothing. I had to keep my blocks up constantly to be sure she wasn’t slipping past them. I had never met anyone like her before and it left my stomach tight. For the first time since Ambriel, I didn’t know what was best for the clan, I didn’t know if this new person was safe, if she could be trusted. I couldn’t figure her out, and it didn’t help that she was so damn intriguing. Every time I tried to figure her out she’d pull me in and I’d lose my focus. Just like I had never met someone whose spirit was so elusive, I had never met someone I felt so strongly drawn to.

She was constantly on my mind, which wouldn’t have been so bad, I could train my mind, but at times it was like she was actually _inside_ my head, even when I knew her Gift wasn’t acting against me. I either felt nothing from her, as if she didn’t even exist, or the exact opposite, consumed by her, as if she was the only thing that truly existed. Sometimes when she wasn’t even near, I would feel her, like I was tethered to her in some way. I often felt Kael in such a way, but he had been my brother for years, we had shared so many memories, healings and strength in battle, it made sense. We had shared blood so many times, it would be expected that we were connected in some ways. We had a history that bound us, tied us close, but this woman, I didn’t even know her; her age, her past, her passions, percentage, nothing. Yet I felt her even more so than my brother at times.

On some level that scared me, the unknown of it all. How could I protect and lead my clan, my family, when I didn’t even know what was going on inside me, let alone around me. I refused to make the same mistakes I had with Ambriel. We had gotten lazy, too comfortable and confident in our power. Comfort lead to distractions, and distractions lead to mistakes, to destruction. Letting my guard down had been disastrous for my family last time and I wouldn’t let that happen again. I would stay sharp and focused. I just desperately wished it wasn’t so difficult when Jordan was around. She drew all my focus and it was close to impossible to function normally. Luckily I had had years to perfect the art of hiding my thoughts and emotions. I doubted anyone knew the infuriating pull her big, storm-grey eyes had on me, or the way her power made me feel like I was bathing in fire, but somehow still pleasant, or the fact that her sharp stubborn defiance had already gained my approval. I admired her mind. I admired _her_ , something exceedingly rare for me. I didn’t even know her, yet my thoughts ran around her when she wasn’t there but couldn’t seem to move at a normal pace when she was. Even just seeing her for a few minutes had completely changed my mood, I no longer felt the heavy chains of guilt and sorrow that my visit to Ace had left me with. Just seeing Jordan had wiped all of that from my mind, all I thought about when she was around me was her, nothing else seemed relevant.

I shook my head in frustration, pushing my hair back, as if I could shake her loose from my mind. Halfway through my hands’ normal route I froze. The voided nothingness I had felt when she was in my room had suddenly switched to a fiery string, connecting me directly to her. She was in the cemetery. I couldn’t understand why, or even begin to explain, maybe just curiosity as to what on earth she was doing there, but I wanted to go to her. I was halfway across the dark gym before I even made the conscious decision to join her in our sacred burial ground.

I saw her and stopped on the path before she would notice I was there, I made sure to put extra effort into blocking her Gift so she wouldn’t feel me. I was behind her twenty paces or so as she stood by the small pond. I watched from the shade of my favorite tree as she ran her hand over my mother’s memorial. She sat down beside it, leaning on it exactly as I had done a thousand times. She stayed still for a moment, her dark hair cascading down the white stone, the contrast was strikingly beautiful, just like she was. I noticed it the moment I walked into her store, upon our first encounter. It was rare I found someone so pleasing to look at that I made a mental note of it, but she had been the perfect mixture of cold indifference and fiery will, dark hair and lightly tanned skin, wild abandon and calculated control, piercing eyes and soft features. I had pushed the memory of her from my mind. Kael and Nevaeh were the ones who wasted their time with that kind of diversion, in the throes of passion with Humans, not me. But something about her had interested me, even then, and her demeanor as we left…she had been something else, even then, even before I knew what she was, or before _she_ knew what she was. And now…now that I had been around her she was still something else. I understood her just as little now as I had then, maybe less.

I had to stifle a chuckle as she began throwing rocks into the pond, the one that represented peace and calm, constant balance. I had always thought that quiet, calm even-ness wasn’t something to strive for, just an overly-flowered term for nothing-ness, and from Jordan’s actions, it appeared that she agreed. I saw her stiffen before I noticed why, her head snapping to the right. I had been so focused on her, on watching her movements and trying to judge the reasons behind them, on reliving the memory of my first glimpse of her, I hadn’t even felt the outsider’s presence until a leaf crinkled.

A surge of emotions ran through me; disgust at myself for being so distracted that I hadn’t noticed an intruder, surprise that something was so deep in our woods, anger and embarrassment, a desire to protect Jordan from whatever was out there. And then there was the logical part of me saying to wait, to see if the intruder was meeting her here, if she was expecting someone. It _was_ strange that she was out here and nothing had dared trespass our forest until _she_ came into it. First the Gorsche, and now this? It was the wise option to lay in wait and watch and I knew it, so I bit down on my jaw and focused on altering how the world was seen by others, thickening my glamour until it hid me completely, bending the woods around me until I was invisible to the untrained eye. I felt my power lay itself over me, like a sheet that would hide me from curious eyes, making the spot I stood appear empty.

I watched as Jordan stood and glanced around once more, there was visible tension in her movements, and I quickly judged that she was just as surprised by the noise as I had been. I felt myself exhale, relieved she wasn’t meeting someone here, relieved I wouldn’t have to kill her, at least not yet.

She quickly walked straight up the path towards me, her head bent, but her eyes darting off from the path every few steps. _Paranoid_. I thought with a small curve pulling at my lips. It was interesting to see the mix of courage and fear in her. She seemed too stubborn to back down from any fight, even one she knew she would lose, and yet she still showed more Human emotion than would be expected of someone with her character. I wondered how she would change the more time she spent with us, the stronger her blood became. A shiver ran up my spine, like a damp feather trailing the center of my back.

She was about to pass me now, and though her eyes still nervously scanned the forest, she didn’t even glance to where I had cloaked myself, which was both a relief and a disappointment. I had been worried that my glamours were weakening ever since Jordan had seen through the one in our woods upon our third encounter and yet when this one worked, I felt oddly empty. I almost wanted her to be able to see me, maybe even _really_ see me, but I shook the ridiculous thought. It was good that my powers weren’t waning. I had a feeling I would be needing them.

Once she was gone I spread my Sight as far as I could, searching for the presence. Kael was on the roof, smoking and staring up at the darkening sky, burning little holes in his forearm before healing them with a muttered word. He had the look on his face, the sadness in his eyes that meant he was thinking of Ambriel. He didn’t even wince as he pressed the cigarette into his arm or when the blood began to bubble up from the blister. I knew that kind of pain, the kind in your mind, your memories. The kind Angel names and healing words couldn’t help, so strong that physical pain was actually a pleasant reprieve. My heart went out to my brother as the familiar gnaw of guilt settled back in. I moved my Sight over the rest of the house, not being able to stomach watching him silently suffer. Nevaeh was in her room, painting her toenails and playing with her throwing daggers; nothing of note there, so I continued again.

I could still feel Jordan as she was just about to the front door, her shoulders still tensed. I searched the rest of our woods quickly, as far as I could at least, but there was nothing, no one, no demonic stains, not even the shadow that one had been present, save for the waning tinge the Gorshe had left as it burned. The thought that I was losing my mind flashed before me but I ignored it. Jordan had heard the noise too, something _had_ been here. I didn’t imagine it. I made the executive decision to not tell Kael though, he was already beating himself up about his alarms’ malfunction in our woods, if he thought he had failed a second time his confidence would suffer and that would help no one. Whatever was going on at our front doorstep wasn’t his fault anyways, it was something beyond what he could help, there was no other explanation.

Even if the presence wasn’t a figment of my imagination, my mind still felt like it was slipping away from me with everything that was going on. The city’s Human-killer, now a second one going after Darklings, all the signs that something was coming, building, Jordan and the strange effect she had on me. I felt a step behind, at a disadvantage, for the first time in years and the strain was wearing down my mind more than anything. Every Darkling feared nothing more than going insane, and there was a high rate in most bloodlines, but worrying that I was going under wouldn’t help anything. I had heard far too many horror stories of men so terrified of going mad they actually caused it, their paranoia of going crazy essentially driving them crazy. One thing was for certain though, the presence was now gone, simply vanished.

My head began to throb, either from the exertion of stretching my ability so far or the warring emotions and confusion of the evening. How could something be in our woods? How could it have entered at all, let alone be able to disappear without tripping an alarm or being detected? Kael had close to doubled the security in the past few days, exhausting himself, yet it hadn’t made a difference. Nothing was making sense and I felt myself getting frustrated, losing control. On the surface I knew I appeared calm, I was the leader, I had to be, but I could feel fear and anger welling up in me. I needed to find a solution, fast.

I went and sat by my mother, leaning my head back on her stone, thoughts of Jordan and what to do twisting in my mind, escalating my headache to sharp, jagged stabs. I thought of using an Angel name to numb it, but found a small comfort in the pain, even when it became so great I cringed. I closed my eyes and breathed in the cold air, shivering against the early-autumn breeze. I silently prayed for my mother’s guidance, begging her to give me a sign, but just like every other time, I was met with silence, reminding me that I was alone.


	9. Chapter 9

**What happened to all the loves that got left behind**

**By the bodies who made the love but who could not withstand time**

_Young Heretics - The Lost Loves_

 

I woke to a brisk knock on my door. I sleepily checked the clock and saw it was five-thirty. I hadn’t been up so early since I moved in and my body was protesting the break from routine. I covered myself before groggily yelling admittance. Kael stuck his head in, his hair looked like he had had a rough night, sticking up at every imaginable angle, unless that was the way he had intended it to be that day. I was quickly learning that his style was as much ‘alternative’ as Nevaeh’s was haute.

“’Morning, practice is at six in the training room. We have some gear that should fit.” He tossed a bundle in, his aim perfect. He ducked his head out for a split second before apparently remembering something else and appearing again. “And hey, I’m glad you decided to stay, you’ll like it here. I promise.” He flashed a cute smile and vanished once more, closing the door after his extreme bed head had disappeared.

Ten minutes later I was showered and attempting to pour myself into the gear Kael had left. It was all black stretch fabric and it felt like a spandex, lightweight and pliable, not something that would get in the way. It seemed impossibly tough for being so flexible and thin, like they had woven some durable metal to act as fabric, it even smelled slightly metallic. The pants were full length and fit tightly from the ankles all the way up to finish in a comfortable waistline, the top was long and overlapped the bottoms by a few inches but somehow didn’t require constant readjustment whenever I moved, it stayed down as if invisibly fastened. All of the body’s weak points had an extra layer of thin, flexible leather that was also ridiculously tough for its width. I again wondered where they got their material. The knees, ankles and hips all had dark leather protectors as well as the wrists, elbows, shoulders and fingerless gloves that ended right at the center knuckle. ‘Gear’ as Kael had called it, seemed quite fitting now.

I expected it to be warm as I pulled and adjusted the last piece on, but surprisingly it almost felt like I wasn’t wearing anything at all, air moved right through it. I looked in the mirror at the snug fit; a cat suit would have felt more modest. Regardless of the odd tightness, the picture I saw in the mirror wasn't an unattractive one. I was lean, with curves in all the right places and the outfit only magnified that fact. My long hair fell far beneath my shoulders in almost controlled waves, my eyes looked tired but their centers were still bright and their unique curve gave me an exotic look other than the generic American mutt I assumed I was. My face was still tan from the summer and the dark material along with my dark hair made the angles of my face stand out. I smiled at my reflection slightly before focusing on the outfit again. The look reminded me of armor, with a modern twist, there were straps for weapons and the leather guards gave the entire outfit a hard, stealthy look. As I gave myself a final once over I pulled my hair back and tried to imagine what was in store for me. Boot camp? Combat training?

I opened the door to the basement and was immediately met by loud rock blaring from below. _Probably Kael’s_. I thought. The music grew as I jogged down the stairs. The men were setting up equipment while Nev beat the hell out of a man-sized punching bag. Her usual fluid movements turned deadly as she spun and twirled, striking the bag every chance she got. Some of her kicks were so high I thought she would flip over herself. She was definitely flexible in a way I imagined I’d never master. The boys jokingly started sparing and ended up rolling around on the floor, pummeling each other but looking to not be doing much damage. _Boys_. I rolled my eyes. The electricity was burning through me and I could tell that either James didn’t care that I was attempting to poke around in his head, or he hadn’t noticed that I’d come downstairs yet. I leaned against the far wall and watched for a while longer.

Suddenly I sensed angry eyes on me and bitter thoughts invaded my mind.

_Skank. She looks so dirty in that gear. She shouldn’t even be wearing it yet, she hasn't earned it. The week’s not up, she could still back out, especially after her first day of training…I wonder if the guys will think she’s hot? What the hell, I thought she was gross when I saw her at the store! Bitch. I'll tell her she looks fat. I’m prettier._

I looked over to Nev, who sure enough was shooting daggers at me from her slit green eyes. She walked over casually, but just as she opened her mouth to presumably call me a cow or something else heinously shallow, I cut her off.

“Save it, I’m not in the mood.”

I brushed by her and walked across to where the guys were still rolling around, throwing punches. James caught my eye right as Kael rolled over him, pinning him to the ground. It looked like James was done for when suddenly the end of Kael’s hair, hanging in front of his face, caught on fire. Immediately it extinguished with a slight puff of smoke, but James took the opportunity to spring forward, knocking him over and ending with his forearm pressed to Kael’s windpipe. Kael fixed him with a steely stare.

“That was cheap, fucker, and you know it.” Kael’s voice was strained from the pressure on his throat, but a smile broke across his face as James let him up, clasping his forearm to help him off his back. Kael looked up and gave me a once over.

_Damn, new girl’s looking nice. She wears that as well as Ambriel did._

Kael’s thoughts drifted into my head, laced with an odd mixture of admiration and sadness I didn’t quite understand. I wasn’t used to my ‘Gift’ being so outright and without thinking I spoke.

“Who’s Ambriel?”

A stunned silence fell over the group.

Nevaeh came up from behind me and answered in a nonchalant tone.

“She was our last member, killed in an ambush last year, you’re her replacement. Hopefully you'll last longer.” She somehow managed to make the word ‘hopefully’ convey the opposite meaning.

James looked at me curiously, my eyes flicked to Kael quickly before ending back on James’ and I watched as understanding dawned on his face.

“She heard you think of Ambriel, Kael. That’s one of her Gifts; she can know others’ minds.” He shifted his gaze to Kael. “So watch what you think around her. She doesn’t hear everything, not yet at least, maybe with a little training, but her Gift is already getting stronger from mere proximity to her kind, I’d say. Her power was starving for so long, and now it’s trying to make up lost time.”

He looked back to me, hard lines creasing between his eyes as his tone sobered.

“Ambriel was our fourth member, our kind is strongest in fours; quads they’re called. A clan may have many members, but the warriors always fight in double-pairs, fours, if possible.” He looked over my shoulder, across the gym, carefully avoiding my eyes. “She was killed last winter in an ambush with me, she was my pair. She and I were out alone and outnumbered. She died quickly, straight through the heart.”

I didn’t know what to say, but a sick part of me was happy she had been his pair, that meant I would be now. We would spend time together, we would fight together, and I would be able to continue feeling the electricity he gave off, when he allowed it at least.

Kael spoke up, breaking the silence that had settled over the group.

“We aren’t easy to kill, but James brought her body back and it didn’t look like she had suffered long. We usually only die if our body is destroyed, by fire or crushed or drained, some demonic magic and poisons are strong enough to kill us too. However if our hearts are destroyed or we’re decapitated or torn apart, if enough damage is done to our bodies, that kills us just the same as it would a Human, no heal can bring us back from that.” He tried to sound as if he were teaching a class, purely academic, relaying the facts, but a pain was in his eyes that showed me he had been close to Ambriel.

“We can heal each other, with the help of certain words and our…well, our blood. It’s called Blood Power, basically calling on our nature, on our lineage to help us. We can call on Angel names that hold power too and heal each other, though only Earth Signs can heal themselves, like me, otherwise you need another Darkling to use their own power to heal you, it’s one of the reasons we need each other. Darklings, Angels, we were never meant to be alone, we were created for relationships, community, unions. At least that’s why I think most can’t heal themselves…others say it’s a curse from Heaven to stop our race from becoming too strong, too close to immortal. Ambriel was a Fire Sign. Fires are the least apt at heals. James couldn’t heal her either. She died instantly.” Kael’s voice was steady, but I felt a deep sorrow radiating from his mind and it made my chest feel tight.

“I’m sorry, Kael, to all of you.” I looked down at my outfit. “Were these hers?” James gave a short nod. “Then I will try to live up to her memory. What do I do first?”

The awkward subject was pushed away as James threw me a wooden staff that had been leaning against the wall.

“Hit me.” He said with a cocky smirk.


	10. Chapter 10

  **Haste to disgrace a traitor, do not wait until later**

**I don't think that you've got to pretend**

**I see God in birds and Satan in long words**

_Brand New - Sink_

 

I never imagined I could be so sore, or so tired. Usually soreness comes on slow, creeping into the muscles and bones, but this came suddenly, like a freight train. Even my fingernails were sore. I trained for a few hours before Kael cut me loose to give me a break, and James had only stuck around for the first couple of minutes, provoking me into attempting to hit him with the pole then dancing away from each swing with incredible, infuriating speed. I wished I had brought my knife, so he could see I wasn’t completely useless, though the blurred speed I saw in him could probably dodge that too. Sometimes it looked like I was about to make contact, but at the last second he would inch out of reach with a look that was all fox. I knew he was only letting me get close to irritate me further.

I had until noon to recuperate, then we were doing something outside. My arms were protesting the mere thought. I laid in my bathtub, hot water up to my ears trying to remember why I had agreed to this. Is this what the rest of my life would be? Maybe this was a test. Maybe they were trying to see how far they could push me before I would break. A challenge; I loved a good challenge, and I hated losing. I wouldn’t let on how horrible I already felt, I’d make them believe this was easy for me. Plus, the pain wasn’t unbearable, just annoying and sometimes took my breath away if I moved a certain way, slicing at my lungs, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I’d prove to them they weren’t so far beyond me. I could keep up, I just had to push. Once I decided this, I felt slightly better. I pulled myself out of the tub and dried off as best I could without raising my arms above my shoulders, something that sent a stabbing pain down my side. I checked the clock, just past eleven; I had been soaking since ten-thirty. I flopped onto the bed, massaging my arms and relaxing my head against the soft pillows.

A small part of me became conscious, dragging the rest of my mind to the surface of sleep. My eyes flew open and I frantically clawed at the clock to see the time, fearing I had slept through my second training; eleven fifty-seven. _Hell_. I leapt from bed and fell to my knees, the soreness had turned to stiffness during my cat nap and it felt like my bones were locked in place by concrete muscles.

I stiffly straightened and moved as quickly as possible to get my gear on. Two and a half minutes later I was awkwardly half-jogging down the stairs. James was leaning casually on the front door, pretending to check his nonexistent watch.

“Cutting it close, aren’t we?” He asked politely.

“You never said I had to be early, I don’t want to seem too eager.” I raised my eyebrows, as if such a thought was scandalous.

“What you mean is that you don’t want us to know what a masochist you are, but don’t worry, I’ll give as much as you can handle, little lamb.” He leaned forward slightly, looking up through his thick lashes at me, which seemed much too dark for his hair color. The corner of his mouth pulled up into a close-lipped smirk and I absently wondered how many times he had gotten anything he wanted just by using that look.

“We’re going for a little run, do try to keep up.” And with that, he flung the front door open and ran into the bright sunlight.

If I had thought Kael was fast that fateful night in the woods, then James was like lightening. One moment he would be running next to me, then the next he would be five strides ahead, then ten, twenty. Then he’d stop to lounge against a tree trunk with his cocky smile and dark eyes following me, waiting for me to catch up. No sooner had I reached him then he’d start the slinky effect all over again; with me, ahead of me, waiting for me. He was silent too, like a breeze. I still remembered the ruckus Kael’s heavy boots had made when he’d run through the woods. I had heard him from a mile away, but it was like James wasn’t even there or as if his feet didn’t actually touch the ground. It was creepy. No one could be completely silent over a forest floor coated with crisp fallen leaves. No one except James I guess. It felt like I was running with a shadow.

Sometimes I’d lose track of where he was, but I didn’t want to show it, that he had lost me once again, so I just kept running along the loosely marked path. The earth was slightly more even and lightly packed where I assumed the trail was supposed to be, so it wasn’t hard to follow if I paid attention. Every once and a while, a defiant tree would rise up from the center of the path and split it, this was often when I’d lose James. He’d be next to me one second and then we’d take differing paths around some obstacle and he’d be gone, as if I had been running alone the entire time. He always appeared again, a minute or two later, either thirty feet ahead, smirking like the Cheshire cat, or rematerializing by my side. I never let him know how much it frustrated me since from the glimpse of his personality I knew, it would only make him do it more.

We had been running for what seemed like forever, most of which at as fast a sprint as I could manage. I was actually quite proud of myself, even though the only thing keeping me going was James’ electricity running through me, to the ends of each nerve, tingling over my skin. It made me feel invincible. The fire gave me more energy than adrenaline ever could and it fueled me to push further than I would otherwise be capable of. I was sure his electricity and power were the only things keeping me from collapsing with exhaustion. I didn’t know why he hadn’t blocked me and shut it off yet. I still couldn’t tell if he was allowing it on purpose to give me a little assistance, that is, assuming he even knew the power he was giving me, or if he had simply forgotten or just didn’t care. Maybe he didn’t feel it and therefore didn’t notice it, he had said he only felt it when he was open to it and maybe he wasn’t right then…I didn’t even really know what that meant. I wondered what ‘powers’ he had. Mine didn’t seem to be working since I hadn’t felt his thoughts all morning and besides the cockiness practically dripping off his every movement, I couldn’t decipher what he was feeling either, again frustrating, but I didn’t let on.

I was excited about the prospect of training my ‘Gift’, perfecting it, even just controlling or strengthening it. I hoped we’d start soon. I wondered how specific I could hone it to; would I be able to look at anyone in a crowd and know their thoughts? What about past thoughts, memories? Or a whole crowd at once, that didn’t sound very enjoyable, but maybe it could be helpful in some situations. During my tangle of thoughts I’d lost track of James’ location again and I didn’t even know how long he’d been out of sight this time. Maybe I did live in my head too much. _Oh, hell_. I gave a quick glance around and slowed to a jog before finally stopping beneath a massive tree.

Suddenly I felt a small tremor rumble beneath my feet, immediately it reminded me of the otherworldly terror I had felt when the Gorshe had been after me. I looked around for James again, but he was gone, the fire was gone too. Maybe that meant he wasn’t close, or maybe that meant the monster had surprised him, and was now coming for me.

_You must have some pretty powerful enemies._

The memory of James’ words drifted unwanted into my head and I wondered if he had been right, maybe I had some enemy I didn’t even know about, a powerful one with monsters at his command. Maybe the presence I kept feeling following me, even in my daydreams, maybe that wasn’t just my paranoia, maybe it was actually someone, plotting my demise. Maybe it was my parents.

The noise became more frequent, the vibrations shaking the ground beneath me. I scanned my surroundings but didn’t see anything useful. The scenery was the same as when Kael had looked around for an escape plan and if he hadn’t found anything then, I doubted I would now. I grabbed the knife from my boot that I had tucked in after the morning’s embarrassing training and flipped it open. It’s jagged edge glinting wickedly.

Suddenly I felt much calmer, I could do his, I was good with my knife, it was second nature to me. I planted my feet lightly and fell into a natural fighting stance; knees slightly bent, feet itching to dodge, eyes scanning the forest around me, waiting for movement. I faced the noise that was now crashing through the brush and trees, my right shoulder leading, prepared for a fight. I tried not to think about the fact that ‘Gorshe’ was most likely a classification of Demon and I had no idea how to fight, let alone kill, a Demon. Where the hell was James? For the first time in my life I didn’t want to die, I _cared_. I finally had something to live for, I felt fear and not the instinctive kind everyone feels when they are being chased that I had felt with Kael as we ran through these very woods, but a fear for my life, I _wanted_ to live…and I was afraid I wouldn’t.

The noise was nearly upon me now. I readjusted the knife in my hand and took a deep, slow, stabilizing breath. My plan was to throw my knife at the creature as soon as it emerged, hopefully surprising it. I knew my aim was sound, it always had been, and I knew I could flip the knife correctly, even from this distance, to ensure it hit solidly. I just hoped I could throw it hard enough to do some lethal damage, the knife wasn’t long enough to kill something much larger than a man unless I could get it hilt deep. A quick jolt of panic flew through my stomach, what if Gorshes were armored? I shooed the thought away, that wouldn’t help me now, this was my only shot.

A small, sick part of me, deep down beneath my fear, was excited, craving the violence that was about to begin, almost giddy. It was a strange mix; fear and excitement, like the feeling in your stomach when you’re on a roller coaster, about to fall over the edge. The bushes in front of me trembled, my eyes glued to their center. They parted as something charged out at me. I flung the knife as hard as I could. It flew with deadly force and accuracy towards its target, and then it seemed to be suspended in the air, frozen. It felt like a full second went by before I realized what had happened, though I’m sure it was instantaneous. There was James with my dagger lightly trapped between his palms, the point mere inches away from his throat. He wore his signature amused look, as if his clawless kitten had tried to viciously attack him.

“First lesson; never throw away your only weapon.” He shook the knife at me loosely as if reprimanding a child. I stared at him in disbelief, not being able to find the words to express my confusion and anger.

“Where’d it go? What was that and where the hell were you?” I finally found my voice and demanded, eyes narrowing. He should be glad I’d thrown away my weapon, otherwise I might have tried to use it on him right then…again. As if he could read my thoughts and relished the challenge, he tossed the knife back to me, point skyward, perfectly vertical as it sailed through the air gracefully, as harmless as a butter knife. I caught it by the handle and stared at him accusingly.

“That was me. My Gift i-“

“What, a shape-shifter? You can turn into a Demon-Gorshe-thing? What the hell were you thinking?” I knew I was beginning to sound hysterical, but he had been trying to goad me into anger the entire day…well, now he had it. I was annoyed and he had it coming.

He paused for a long moment after I had finished, placidly staring back at me.

“Is your little tantrum over or shall I wait a bit longer?” He finally spoke in a condescending, dry voice. I glared back. “For a woman supposedly seeking answers, you really don’t let me say much.”

I continued my silence, still glaring, eyes slits.

“Good.” He said curtly. “Nev can manipulate thoughts and memories after the fact; she has the Gift of compulsion, making others believe whatever she says. Kael is bound to nature, he can control physical elements. Humans would call him a warlock.” He said the last words like they were a joke. “He’s also one of the best healers I’ve ever met, an Earth Sign, and a strong one. I have very different Gifts. I can change what people _currently_ experience. I can make people see things that aren’t there. I can make people with weak minds see whatever I want them to see, or think they see. Just another way we can sometimes bend others.” He paused and raised his arms in a show of our surroundings.

“There is no Demon, never was – well, there was when Kael was taking you home, but that’s beside the point. There never was one today, I just made you _think_ there was.” He winked and gave a small, mischievous smile before continuing, “Now think back, did you hear birds? Wind? Anything? Demons steal life, they scare it, so if this had been a real attack, the woods would have been silent, like they were the last time, right? It’s the details that will save you. My Gift is strong, but I couldn’t possibly change everything perfectly, manipulate everything simultaneously to mimic the real world seamlessly, there is always a tell, always a fault.”

As much as I hated it, he was right. The forest noises hadn’t stopped this time and I mentally kicked myself for not noticing the discrepancy, fear had made my mind foggy and now it seemed obvious. I found it ironic I had been trying to figure out his powers all day just to have him use them to trick me. He was vexing.

“My Gift is a good training technique but I’ve never used it on the others…ethical reasons, you see. But since you’re so behind the curve in training for someone of your age, well, we have to use everything in our arsenal if you’re going to survive, let alone be useful, now don’t we?” Though his voice sounded amiable enough, his eyes made his explanation sound very much like a threat, as if he were subtlety letting me know that if I crossed him, he would make me go crazy with his ruses until I couldn’t decipher from his manipulations.

“It’ll speed up your training process, so you can stop with the hateful eyes. I’m only looking out for your best interest, lamb. Anyways, you should be excited to be my guinea pig, and this will teach you to not always believe what you see, a helpful lesson in our lives. The world’s a lot more cunning than you ever imagined.” Again, his words somehow sounded like a threat and the self-satisfied look on his face said he thought he had won. I hated losing and I wasn’t about to roll over and say Uncle, not without a fight.

“You said you had a stronger block than Nev, which is why you can keep me out of your head, you said you’ve just worked harder at it. If it isn’t your bloodline and it’s just practice, then that should work for me too. And since you are so concerned with my training, you might as well teach me blocking too. I want to be able to do what you do.”

James face turned to an emotionless mask, his eyes may have held a touch of irritation, but nothing else betrayed him. I continued. “Teach me how to block you and others with your Gift and I’ll keep your secrets safe.”

“Secrets? I had no idea they were multiplying, thanks for the warning.” He replied coldly. Now the annoyance in his eyes turned to anger, just simmering beneath their dark surface. Apparently he didn’t like being blackmailed.

It was too late for me to back out though and I didn’t really want to anyways, for some reason he didn’t scare me, or he did…but not seriously. I hadn’t quite figured out my feelings yet.

“You don’t want me to tell Nev and Kael about the feeling I get when my Gift touches you, the _sting_ ,” I made sure to place special venom on ‘sting’. “and I’m guessing you don’t want me broadcasting your superior blocking abilities or trying to breed distrust about your bloodline, seems a touchy subject. For a guy who just yesterday was telling me to trust you more and let you all in, you sure seem to keep a lot from your own family. So again, you teach me how to keep you out of my head and I’ll keep your secrets; all of them.” I raised my eyebrows in a silent challenge.

He let out a low chuckle and something inside me tightened, his laugh didn’t seem good-humored, and his eyes held no inkling of amusement.

“I’ll teach you, lamb, but it’s up to you if you’re willing to learn or not. Blocking can be difficult on the mind and we won’t slow down your other training just because you have a side project. Can you handle that?”

“I do love a good challenge.” I flashed him a devilish smile.

One side of his mouth curved up slightly, letting a mean smirk play with its corner.

“Good, then find your way back.” And then he was gone, literally vanished, except this time I knew he was using his power to shield himself from me. He was there, I just couldn’t see him, I couldn’t feel him either. I was utterly shut out. I glared at the spot he had been standing a moment earlier before turning and jogging back the direction I had come from.

I had never been very good with directions, and the woods looked the exact same every ten minutes. The thought crossed my mind that James might be messing with me, making me see patterns in the trees and running in circles. The trail helped, but it split and forked so many times it took me twice as long to get back to the manor as it had to get out into the middle of nowhere.

I walked up the front lawn with my blood boiling. What an ass, leaving me in the middle of the woods and expecting me to get back. _Ass_. I almost wished I’d have another training session so I could hit something, but my muscles were already threatening mutiny. I stood at the front door for a moment wondering if it would be rude to just walk in or if I should knock. After a moment’s deliberation I walked in. This was supposed to be my new home and I never knocked at my house. Besides, I was a practicing believer in the notion that it's better to beg forgiveness than permission.

As soon as the door opened I was met with a roar of deep laughter. I walked down the hall and saw that the clan was seated in the media room watching TV. Kael was practically crying from laughter. James was giving him a sidelong glance that looked similar to brotherly affection. Nev was doing her nails, ignoring the rest of the room. The entire scene struck me as incredibly normal, this exact scenario could be happening in any home. It looked like a group of average friends just hanging out. You’d never guess they were Demon-killing children of heavenly hosts thrown from glory for their sins. I watched for a second before another outburst of Kael’s loud laughter shook me from my daze. I looked to the screen and saw _Wipeout_ on and Kael seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the contestants’ antics. He realized I was standing half in the hallway and gave me an adorable, friendly smile as he wiped away tears of laughter in a dramatic gesture.

“Come on, newbie, phase three of training is relaxation. You did well today, time to take a load off.” He patted the open spot between him and James on the couch. He reminded me of an eager puppy, nothing hidden in his face or actions.

Nev glanced up as if she hadn’t noticed I was there. She gave me a pitiful excuse for a smile and then returned to studying her hand as she filed nonchalantly. I thought I heard her murmur something about taking my sweet-ass time getting back, but it may have just been my imagination. I tried to not focus on her too much. The last thing I wanted were her nasty thoughts wafting through my head. I awkwardly sat on the couch between the men, feeling heat roll off James like he was a damn oven. He shifted to give me more room, even though there was plenty. I realized I couldn’t feel his presence, so he must still be mad about the woods. A ripple of annoyance ran through me. _I_ was the one he had left in the woods, _I_ should be the sulky one, yet somehow he thought he had that right.

I stayed seated for maybe three minutes, with Kael howling on one side of me and the occasional single note of what I assumed was laughter escaping James on my other side. Usually this was in response to Kael’s noises more than the show’s humor. At the next commercial I stiffly stood and announced I was going to go upstairs and shower, but really I just wanted to lie in my bed and die. I was so sore I felt like my arms and legs would fall off and roll away just to put distance between us so I couldn't hurt them again. Nev said something in response to my statement but I didn’t quite catch it, again. Luckily Kael shot her a dirty look for whatever it had been anyways. I barely made it up the stairs and to my bed before I collapsed. I was asleep within seconds.

I woke up in a field. I was back in my daydream, back in my sanctuary. But unlike the last time I felt the presence immediately; something was watching me from beyond the trees. I cautiously started walking towards the edge of the field, towards the thing that had been spying on me in my mind’s escape. I didn’t appreciate the invasion and I intended to let the phantom know it. I realized I was still in my gear so I pulled my knife, flipping it open even though I knew it was only a dream. I walked steadily forward until I heard a rustle of leaves and a twig snap. I bolted forward, not wanting to let the culprit get away. Just past the shadows and the branches of a stout tree I saw long, broken grass, as if something had been pacing there. I scanned the woods but didn’t see any sign of what or who had been there.

Black feathers littered the ground and the closer I looked, the more I saw. They were glossy and shown with an iridescent radiance, even in the shadows. Some were as long as my forearm, curving beautifully around the matted grass, others were shorter and pointed. I picked one up and felt a warm, slick liquid on my fingers; blood. I dropped the feather and watched as it fluttered to rest. That’s when I saw that the ground was soaked with it, the edges of the other feathers were shining and thick with it too.

The ground felt soft beneath my feet and slowly I started to sink into it. I tried to run but the bloody mud clung to my feet and ankles. I felt myself being pulled down, the crimson ground clawed at me as I sunk further. I opened my mouth to scream, but the air was frozen in my lungs and it felt like nails filled my throat. I felt an instinctual fear well up in me as I tried again to pull air into my lungs and failed. The mud was crushing my chest now, squeezing the life from me. I frantically tried to claw at the ground, but the gore slipped through my fingers, filling my nails and making everything slimy. The pain from my chest started to make my vision swim and the world began to darken. Unconsciousness was looming near as I felt my mind slipping away…

A bolt of searing pain tore through me, shaking my body and causing my limp arms to twitch, rousing me from unconsciousness. My vision was still blurred, but I could make out a figure, a man, a little ways off. His skin shown in the moonlight like the stones of the strange white rock garden. He was bare-chested with midnight black hair, standing so regally and tall he appeared close to Kael's height. He had strong lines defining his lean muscles cut beneath his glowing skin and even in the haze of pain I found myself in awe of him. He wore dark pants hanging low on his hips, his feet uncovered, though they showed no signs of the muddy-blood I was engulfed in. I tried to make a noise, any noise to get his attention, but I couldn’t even manage a breath. The pain was still coursing through me, but it wasn’t as intense as its initial appearance. The man slowly began to turn further away, shadows hiding his face.

A heavenly breath flooded my lungs and I gasped in the ecstasy, almost as quickly as it had come, the air left. I snapped my mouth shut before the last piece could be stolen from me, but I already felt my lungs beginning to burn. I started to lose my sense of direction as the darkness crept back to the edges of my vision. I let go of the last end of my breath and whispered the only word in my mind.

 _James_.

I don’t know why I breathed his name, it just came out as if it was freeing itself from my dying body, rolling off my lips in the most natural way. I sank from consciousness once more, but before my world went still, I heard a familiar dark laugh drift through the woods towards me, lingering like something from a time I couldn't remember. And with the taste of blood in my mouth and evil, haunting laughter tickling my memory, the world spun into darkness.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Blood I want it, giving up the fight**

**Blood I want it, lay me down tonight**

**Blood I want it, take me to the sky**

**Blood I want it, everything's alright now**

_Meg Myers - Curbstomp_

 

I gasped awake, sitting bolt upright in my bed. I felt freed, like I had been trying to escape the dream and was finally granted access back to the world of the living. I noticed I was shaking. I tried to steady my breathing as I sank back down into bed, staring at the ceiling. After a few more calming moments I pulled out a notebook from my bedside table and wrote as much of the dream as I could remember. It was easier for me to write dreams than questions, and I filled page after page with details of the memory.

I finished the last piece I could remember and plopped the book onto the bed next to me. As I continued to gather my thoughts and take inventory of my emotions I noticed I was starving. I hadn’t eaten all day and I felt claws in my stomach. I checked the clock; half past nine. I had napped for a couple hours. I slowly changed out of my gear into yoga pants and a lazy tank, easing my sore body into the clothes as gently as possible. I shuffled down the stairs, half expecting the trio to still be seated in the media room, watching another one of Kael’s choice shows. Instead the main level looked to be deserted. It was odd not knowing where anyone was, or if anyone was even home. Maybe they went to bed early? I glanced around to be sure James wasn’t lurking somewhere. He appeared out of nowhere often, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he did it now, just to try to startle me.

After taking a last glance around to make sure I wasn’t being secretly watched, I went to the fridge. The thought that it would be empty crossed my mind, or maybe it was full of takeout. Chinese sounded good to my grumbling stomach. The stainless steel doors swung open easily upon my tug and the light clicked on. To my surprise the fridge was full of fresh produce. Vibrant colors smiled at me through the open doors: lettuce, spinach, peppers, artichokes, carrots, sprouts and every kind of fruit I could think of. There were cheeses and breads lower, along with spreads and sauces. I stared at the shelves dumbfounded. This wasn’t what I had been expecting at all. I bent down to peer into a large container. Sandwich halves. _Perfect_. I maneuvered the dish around all the food fixings and pried the lid off, grabbing two. I took a ravenous bite, too famished to care that it was all greenery, humus and a thin, hard cheese, though I would have preferred meat. I finished both in record time.

As I replaced the Tupperware into the tightly packed fridge, I heard a small thud come from below, traveling up my legs from the soles of my feet. So that’s where they were. I walked to the camouflaged door that led to the training room and opened it. Distant yells drifted up the stone steps to my waiting ears, along with another louder thump. My eyes quickly adjusted to the subdued light of the stairwell as I walked down. I wound around the last curve and froze, my eyes immediately rising up at the hint of movement. Electricity seemed to pulse through the room, James’ presence was so heavy it was almost visible. The feeling of his power was so strong I felt like it was vibrating against my skin.

Kael, Nev and James were high above the gym’s floor, on one of the thick wooden beams. And they were fighting. Kael was on one side of James, and Nevaeh flanked the other. The fight hardly looked even, each time James blocked one hit, another was flying at him. He didn’t even have time to throw a punch of his own. Despite the unfair numbers, he wasn’t losing, though someone would be hard pressed to describe him as ‘winning’ either. It was beautiful in a strange way; the movements and connections that were made, the creativity and power and grace…it looked like art, like a dance.

A second later James landed a heavy hit to the center of Kael’s chest with his palm which sent him sprawling back, though he stayed on the beam. James spun back to Nevaeh but wasn’t fast enough, she lifted a high kick which knocked him across the cheek, the force of which sent him over the edge. I felt myself cringe at the blow; she clearly hadn't softened it at all. She was angry.

James was mid-fall when at the last possible moment he grabbed onto the edge of the beam, his lean body precariously hanging below. He seemed to be about to haul himself up, his arms angled into a half-pull-up, muscles tensed, when he slowly lowered himself back down, arms fully extended. I followed his gaze and it landed on Nev, who now had an arrow knocked and aimed straight for his side, chest height. Even from my distance I could see the point shine fiercely. This wasn’t one of the blunted training arrows. The thought shot through my head that she had snapped, she was going to kill James. Why wasn’t Kael doing anything? Why wasn’t he stopping her? He must be on her side.

I glanced around but didn’t see any way I could help him. He was too high for me to get to in time and regardless I didn’t see any ladder or steps. I couldn’t even figure out how they had possibly gotten up there. A short distance away I saw a small sandbag, probably used to fill one of the punching bags or hold something down. I scrambled over and lifted it. It was the perfect weight, not so heavy it would impede my throw, but not so light it would flutter short of its target. I glanced up, hoping I wasn’t too late. Nev had a smug sneer on her face, and James was still insecurely hanging thirty feet in the air. Why didn’t he pull himself up? I knew he could. Hell, he could probably flip up with one arm tied behind his back, but instead he just hung there, his face turned towards Nevaeh, waiting. Maybe he was trying to convince her to stop, to reason with her. It didn’t seem to be working. She pulled the bow taut and I hurled the weight, aiming for her head.

What happened next seemed impossible. It all happened so quickly it almost blurred out of my vision. Nev let the arrow fly, my weight seemed to move through the air in slow motion compared to her slender, deadly weapon. The arrow didn’t even make it halfway to James before it was devoured in flames, the wood and feather burned to ash and the small metal head bounced off James’ side harmlessly. A look of rage filled Nev’s petite features and then her face was blocked from view by a brown mass. My sandbag had hit home, if a moment too late. She took a small step backwards and if she had looked angry before, she was now as explosive as a volcano, with fury pouring from her. She looked around, searching for the source of the blow and her eyes followed the bag’s assumed trajectory to me, standing stupidly below.

“ _You_.” She said in a voice so dark I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on end, though surprisingly I wasn’t afraid. I knew I should be, I held no chance against her, but I didn’t care. I stared up at her, proud of both my actions and aim.

Suddenly James dropped from where he was still hanging, landing lightly into a half-crouch, as if he had only jumped down five feet, not the thirty-some he’d plummeted from. Nev was close behind. She straightened, stalking towards me but James stepped in her path, his arms slightly raised out to his sides as if he was stopping a cat fight. So they had only been practicing, apparently they just weren’t scared of injuring each other. Duly noted. James chuckled as he looked my way, his hair falling in his face. His smile looking devious.

“Has my pair come to save me? Even the playing field?” He looked back to Nev and tried to calm her. “You should have seen it coming anyways. You were too focused on me. You got cocky because you thought you had won.” He said this like a teacher reprimanding one of his star pupils. In short, he wasn’t doing a very good job of appeasing the fury still painted on Nev’s face.

“She wants to join in the fun? Fine.” Nev said, her eyes like storm clouds. “Pick your weapon.”

Kael was staying safely off the battleground, sitting on the beam looking over the edge with an expectant face, apparently thoroughly enjoying the show. James was suddenly by my side, he handed me two daggers, his devious look now pure mischief.

“Did I guess right? I figured you’d choose knives, your little show in the woods made it clear you’re comfortable with them. Don’t throw them away this time.” His casual tone sounded overly familiar, and he was standing closer to me than I would have expected, especially since he had tried to stay as far from me as space allowed on the couch just a few hours earlier. So that was what our relationship would be this time; friendly companions, family even. Duly noted. I took the knives from him, giving him a suspicious look and tucked one into my waistband. I was used to only one.

He ignored my wary look and turned back to Nev and Kael, who had jumped down while James and I had been talking.

“We don’t know if she has a Sign yet, so keep those off limits.” James said to them both.

“She doesn’t know how to fight yet either. Does that mean we’re all just going to sit around sharing our feelings and singing Kumbaya together?” Nevaeh said with a scoff.

James merely raised his eyebrows at her words.

“Don’t go easy on her, she won’t learn anything that way.” He squared his shoulders back towards me and dropped his voice. “Just relax, this is natural to you. It’s in your blood.” He sounded mildly teasing. “All you have to do is make the other surrender by whatever means possible…like Uncle, but we call it Master. I have something to help your instincts a little too, take the edge off, or give it I suppose” He looked up and quietly said something that sounded like ‘Rogziel help her’ before leveling his eyes to mine.

“Feel better?” He said as a devilish smile crept across his face. And I did. I felt powerful and dangerous and violent. I felt invincible.

“That’s Rogziel, Angel of Punishment, Wrath of Heaven. Kael mentioned to you that we can call upon certain Angel names, but we’ll teach you all that. Just don’t get too badly injured…I’m a terrible healer and the names don’t work unless another Darkling calls on the help for you.” He winked at me in an oddly intimate way before continuing.“Today was meant to ease you in, tomorrow will be a full day. No more naps.”

My heart sank a little, groaning at the mere thought, but I kept the emotion from my face, keeping a composed, calm mask on.

“We’ll teach you our history, heals, tricks…” His eyes twinkled. “…starting tomorrow. Angel names are in the Book of Dust. The original has been copied and most affluent clans own one. We got ours from Nevaeh’s parents. It holds a lot of useful information, including the list of Angel names from which we can pull. The Fallen originally compiled it. We use these for extra abilities. I almost always call on Rogziel before a fight. The book holds Demon types as well that you’ll have to familiarize yourself with. It also holds the basis for our ancestor's holy language; Spoken, for healing, signals, everything. It’s our guide. Most only know the heals now, it’s a dying language…but some of us still know it, all of it.” His face was close to mine as he spoke, his eyebrows raised at his slight bragging tone. He was bent down in a way that made our conversation seem private. His eyes locked with mine as he spoke, making it difficult for me to focus on his words.

“Are we going to play or not?” Nev called over, impatient and aggravated. Kael was holding a tall staff, apparently his weapon of choice.

James stayed still for a moment longer, looking down at me with his deep, blue eyes. He had been talking in a low voice, almost soothing. Everything about his demeanor was different than it had been earlier, personal in a way. He hadn’t even looked to Nev when she called out to us, he just kept his eyes on me, trapping me in their dark depths. It was the most beautiful prison I had ever felt.

_You ready for this, Lamb?_

James’ thoughts wandered into my mind.

_Don’t listen to them, focus on me. I’ll walk you through this if you need it, follow my instructions and let your body do the rest, it knows what to do. You won’t seriously hurt them, and don’t worry about a little pain. They’re used to it and we can always use the practice of healing each other. Try your hardest to get at them. Fight dirty, no rules. None._

His eyes looked curious now, as if he was honestly interested in how I would do in this test. I hated backing down from a challenge and I didn’t want to disappoint him, but this task didn’t seem possible to win. There was no way I could fight Nev or Kael, they were so much faster and stronger than I was. However, Rogziel’s name had given me feelings I couldn’t have even described three minutes earlier. And the way James was looking at me, the way my skin felt charged by his mere proximity, reverberating with his power, or my power, or whatever it was that caused the fire, the heat, radiating off of his skin and sinking into mine…maybe I _could_ do this. I knew how to fight, especially with knives.

I gave James an infinitesimal smile and nodded, answering his questioning thought. His lip twitched up into half a second of a heavenly smile before he turned and broke the invisible connection we had held during our conversation.

I glanced to Nev and Kael who were sharing a look that seemed to mean something. Immediately I knew their plan, as if they had said it out loud. Kael was going to come at me first, trying to catch James off guard since they were assuming we’d think Nev would charge me. I held the dagger eptly, feeling the rough metal handle bite into my palm. James was right, I could do this, Kael was bigger and stronger, but I was quicker. This was natural to me and with the Angel’s aid I felt immortal. I was ready for the game and I was excited. I would finally see what I could do. I briefly wondered if I was actually supposed to try and stab them. Then I remembered Nev’s arrow whizzing through the air towards James’ chest and I had my answer. They would heal, James had said so.

A flash of fear for my own safety went through me. Would I heal? I shook the thought. I wasn’t going to get hurt, so I wouldn’t need to be healed. I looked back at James, relieved my face hadn’t given away the plethora of thoughts I had just run through. I mouthed ‘Kael’ as I lifted a finger slightly towards myself. He gave a curt nod acknowledging the message and tightened what looked like dark braces onto his hands and forearms. The leather had armored metal pieces on the knuckles and a strip of it up the inside and outside of his wrists, all the way to mid-forearm. They looked nasty and I didn’t think the reddish coloring was just for show. A beat of silence settled over the gym, letting a momentary lull of peace settle on us.

“Let’s play!” Kael roared.

In a flash Nev had an arrow strung and aimed at James. It flew towards his chest as he turned slightly to his left, allowing the point to fly by, missing him by inches. Somehow it seemed to move slower, he seemed to be moving slower too, almost at a Human pace, almost. I quickly realized it wasn’t the arrow or James, but myself that was different. I felt like lightening, bursting with speed and deadly energy. Another arrow zoomed towards James, but this one he blocked with the metal strip on his glove, making the weapon glance off to his side. Seemingly out of nowhere Kael was directly in front of me, his staff swung towards my head. I dodged back a step and slid to the side to avoid the subsequent blow. I pulled my dagger up and made a shallow swipe at him, grazing his shirt. He looked surprised as he twisted away, glancing down at where a thin red line was just beginning to appear. He looked up and brought the staff down with a crack right where I had been a second earlier as I quickly sidestepped. I kicked his staff away, throwing off his following move and slammed my knifeless fist into his stomach. It felt like punching a wall. I heard a crunch and was worried I had broken my hand. He didn’t even flinch. I hastily drew back, out of his reach as he swung at me again. My hand throbbed and I made a mental note to stab, not punch, from then on.

Our mock-fight continued for a short while. Kael seeming to absorb the few blows I could get in, no real opportunities arose for my knife, and I dodging away from the majority of his. Some part of me still wasn’t quite sure if I should try to stab him, really stab him. What if I hit something vital? What if James had only told me to not hold back because he didn't think I'd be able to get any real damaging blows in. It just felt strange to finally be told to do something I had wanted to do so many times, but always pushed down. To be told your whole life to not hurt others and then in the matter of a few minutes have it thrown at you like a school yard game. It just felt…strange. Instead of trying to go for winning blows I continued to get lesser strikes in whenever I could…but I felt like a fly annoying an ox. And I hated flies.

Suddenly Kael turned his staff lengthwise and shoved me back with the added reach. I stumbled away from the force and landed on my back. Without thinking I pulled the second knife from my waistband and hurled it at him to prevent him from advancing on me while I was down. It was complete instincts and as soon as the dagger left my hand I regretted it. I was almost horrified that I was trying to injure Kael. The thought that followed was that I was completely disregarding James’ advice to not throw away my weapon, but that realization just made me want to smile a little. Kael seemed just as surprised by my tactic as I had been, or maybe he hadn’t been expecting a second weapon to make an appearance...or maybe James had taught all of them to not throw away weapons and he was shocked by my blatant disregard of their leader’s warning. That made me want to smile as well.

Regardless of my disobedience, the blade stuck in his thigh with a grisly sound and he gave a small groan as he shifted his weight from the injured leg, the first sign I had seen that he could feel anything I was doing. I was actually shocked I had really just pierced someone, stabbed someone, to the hilt. I had thought of it thousands of times, pictured it in my head, fantasized about it, but now I really had. A part of me felt appalled for causing Kael pain. I liked him and I didn’t want to hurt him…but a deeper, darker part of me was in Heaven, or maybe Hell, whichever the monster preferred. The darkness in me was enjoying my violence and I was too. My mouth involuntarily curled up as I got to my feet, the sight of Kael’s blood making me feel giddy.

Before I had time to react, Kael let go of his staff with one hand and swung at me. My flinch back deflected some of the force but his fist still heavily connected with the bottom of my jaw. Pain blossomed before my eyes as I stumbled back again. I had never been hit so hard in my life and the pain and shock immobilized me. Kael was built like a bear and he had clearly followed James’ instruction and not pulled his punch in the slightest. I wondered if my jaw was broken, it felt that way and I couldn’t get it to move correctly. Kael swiped my legs out from under me next and I found myself staring up at the rafters, the wind knocked from me and my jaw throbbing.

 _Sorry, kid_.

His thoughts swept through my groggy mind as I lay on the floor gasping for the breath that had been chased from my lungs.

He pulled the knife from his leg with a sick, slurping sound. As blood poured down his thigh, soaking his dark jeans, he gave me an odd look, almost pleased, proud. He whipped his head towards James and Nevaeh a moment later at the sound of Nevaeh’s grunt after James landed a heavy blow. Nev had abandoned her bow and was now flying at James in a flurry of kicks, elbows and punches. He was blocking most and landing a few of his own, each with terrible thuds and crunching noises. As if he felt my eyes on him James glanced in my direction, his eyes met mine for a moment before Nevaeh landed a square kick to James’ temple and he went to a knee, his eyes looking dazed. Something deep in me rose angrily at the sight.

_You should never kneel!_

The words rang through my mind so fiercely I almost thought it had come from someone else’s, but then I realized my fists were clenched. It had been my own.

James looked up with a face like the devil himself, apparently I wasn’t the only one who didn’t like the thought of him subservient. His eyes burned with something vicious and in a blur even my heightened senses couldn’t quite track, he had Nev up against the wall, his hand wrapped around her throat, his other pushing the center of her chest back, hard, crushing her. Her face changed from rage to pain and then her eyes darkened. A moment later her eyes were black orbs, depthless and void. She bared her teeth to reveal sharp fangs interlocked together like a shark as she clawed at his hand with one of her own, leaving deep red rivers down his wrist, and trying to push him off of her with her other. James growled something at her I couldn’t hear but it made Nev’s face light with a new wave of fury. Her focus moved past James to Kael as he sprinted to his pair’s rescue, only the remnant of a limp slowing him. He dropped my blood-soaked knife halfway across the floor as he split his staff in two, revealing sharp points where it had divided.

As Kael ran to his partner’s aid, something inside me clicked and the fierce need to protect my own partner rose from its depths. I pulled myself from the floor and unsteadily advanced towards Kael. My head was still swimming, but the floor seemed to have stopped rolling beneath me. I heard Nev give a pained cry as James applied more pressure, crushing her windpipe and then Kael was upon them, he made a move to stab James in the back with one of the stakes when James spun away from the wall, releasing Nev. She grabbed her neck and gasped, but didn’t collapse. She quickly regained control and joined in the fight between Kael and James, teaming up on him.

If I had thought the first fight between James, Kael and Nevaeh had been art, then the scene before me now was a masterpiece. James’ style was a unique mix of formal structure and instincts, innate and trained, brutality intertwined with efficiency. He turned and dodged with speed I didn’t think was possible for a man his size, landing strikes with a precision and control I found daunting while still looking loose and relaxed. Occasionally I would catch a look of amusement cross his face as he bested Kael or Nevaeh over and over again. Figures, even in training his arrogance shone through. I realized I was smiling slightly as I watched, but chased the expression from my face.

James didn’t quite use the proper, strict patterns that Nevaeh often followed, but he also didn’t have the thoughtless, seemingly random movements that Kael did, where he threw his whole body into each hit recklessly. James was perfectly balanced at the crossroads between his two opponents. His style was natural, like killing was born to him, just the same as breathing or letting your heart follow its rhythm. I had always felt like fighting, killing even, was instinctive for me too, innate. I realized I wasn’t showing all I could do, all I was capable of. I was holding back because I wasn’t sure how I should act, or what was expected of me, but watching the others fight gave me confidence that they could handle whatever I threw at them. I wouldn’t hold back again. I began to move towards the fight once more.

Kael’s fighting was completely street. He didn’t seem to have near the altitude of training the others had. He was all brute movements and animal instincts, his years on the street showing in each of his dodges and strikes. In some ways James was the opposite, as far as night from day. He was calculated precision and control to Kael’s coarse style. Though Kael was clearly the strength of the group his engagements weren’t nearly as smooth as James’. It seemed like James’ every move was made to waste the least amount of energy while creating the hardest impact, maximizing output while minimizing effort. He was opposite from each of his opponents, while still sharing their strengths; it was beautiful.

As I watched I saw that though the boys’ styles were vastly different in many ways, both Kael and James used a gritty, dirty technique that Nevaeh lacked. She used her quickness and agility to avoid needing tricks, however both James and Kael seemed to enjoy throwing low blows to surprise their targets, taking any and all opportunities to get the upper hand. I guessed they were softening their hits at least a little to make sure they didn’t seriously injure one another, but then again, maybe they weren’t. James hadn’t even seemed slightly worried about possibly killing Nevaeh a few moments earlier. I wondered if they always fought with this amount of passion. James had a fire burning in his eyes that I imagined would rival the skies of Hell. I could almost imagine him as an avenging Angel, as Rogziel.

Before I had the chance to get any further into my thoughts of James and Hell and Angels, Nev broke away from the men and began to stalk in my direction, I was still dazed from Kael’s blow, but at least the spinning had stopped and my body seemed to be complying with my demands, if a little more slowly than before. I was halfway to the fight and Nev was quickly closing the gap when I heard metal scrape the ground at my feet. I looked down to see the dagger Kael had discarded. I scooped it up.

Nevaeh’s face seemed to swim in front of me slightly as she approached and she had a look of pure sadistic pleasure painted on her sharp features. I felt faint, but I held my ground regardless. I refused to lose to her. I had a weapon, she was bare handed. I could do this, even if my mind refused to help.

On perfect cue, Kael threw one of his short staffs to Nev, who caught it without even looking, her eyes fixed on her prey; me. They were a perfect pair, fighting together and apart as if one person. I admired it slightly. I raised one knife as a predatory smile that almost matched James’ played with the edges of her pouty mouth and a small flutter of nerves flew through my stomach.

_Stay calm. Kael’s just as good as she is and you held your own with him. And she’s much more predictable. Kael uses more tricks than she ever will. Anticipate her moves, you’ve seen her fight – surprise her. I’ll be over to help shortly._

I visibly calmed as James’ thoughts coached me. He thought I could do this, so I could. He didn’t strike me as the type to be wrong often and his vote of confidence boosted mine.

I adjusted my stance to loosen it. I did know Nev’s style. Even just from the couple times of seeing her in action I knew what she favored; she relied heavily on her quickness and kicks, she dodged to the left more often than the right, she was open for attack as she spun out of her high kicks, before she regained her foundation. She wouldn’t be as direct as Kael had been, she wouldn’t be so blunt to try to knock me out with a straight fist to the face.

She was nearly upon me and I took the opportunity to flip one knife backwards so the blade stuck from the outside of my hand following my wrist up my arm, instead of its usual upright angle. As soon as she came within my reach I swung a punch with the back-knifed hand and felt it graze her cheek as she turned her face to dodge. The knife left a long, ugly scratch across the right side of her face. She turned to the left, as I had expected, and I brought up my other knife and slashed at the arm holding the pointed staff as she arced it to hit from the side. I heard a shocked intake of breath as the knife sliced deep into her upper arm. Her eyes darkened. Nev’s knee flew up and caught me in the thigh, cracking against me with a force her small frame didn't seem possible to create. My leg instantly went numb and I collapsed to one knee. I looked up just in time to see her bring the pole down across my face, whipping my head to the side. I felt blood spray and tasted it a moment later, but my anger at being so quickly beaten eclipsed any worry for my teeth.

The edges of my vision exploded into sparks of white light as the pain swirled through my mind but I refused to lose consciousness. I forced my eyes back up to her, hoping she would feel the loathing that burned in them. She smiled down at me with pointed teeth as she raised the staff, pure glee in her black eyes. Across the gym I heard Kael gurgle ‘master’. James was on top of him with his staff spearing Kael’s shoulder, one arm twisting Kael's overhead. Blood covered the left half of Kael and a small pool was forming on the floor. It looked like a black ocean, slowly spilling across the beach. The blood made my stomach flip, but not from repulsion, excitement danced through me instead. James’ golden hair was dripping with the red liquid, giving it a strawberry blonde tinge. He looked frighteningly beautiful.

Nev looked back to me with a renewed ferocity, apparently also momentarily distracted by her partner's submission.

“Say master.” She growled, with the glee of an executioner sparkling in her wild eyes.

It took a moment for my dazed mind to comprehend her words, but once it did it lit a fire in my stomach. The fire grew, fueled by each and every one of her little snide remarks, her threats and acidic thoughts leaking into mine, her glances and constant commentary making it clear she didn't want me there, that I was not welcome in her family, that I was not worthy of this, of them.

I spat the remaining blood in my mouth at her, the spray of bright red only increasing the look of insanity on her face. I saw James heave the stake out of Kael’s shoulder unceremoniously and hurl it like a javelin towards Nevaeh from behind. She followed my eyes and deflected it easily with her half but I knew this was my only chance.

James was giving me an opportunity, even without his thoughts in my head I knew what he expected me to do. Nev was just starting to swing her head back towards me, her staff quick to follow when I paused for a breath, just one. A second later I thrust the dagger up into her abdomen, just beneath her ribcage. I felt warm blood stream down my arm as she pulled in a sharp breath. I had dreamed of this moment for so long, wondering what it would be like to feel myself pierce another, to feel their blood on my hands. The twisted evil inside me was doing flips in excitement. I had to work hard to keep the rapture from my face. I twitched the blade up, feeling it rip further and Nev let out an involuntary cry of pain.

“Say master.” I breathed up to her.

Her lips moved as if to form an ‘m’ but then she staggered back allowing the knife to slip from her, slick with blood. My eyes moved to the blade and the darkness inside me grinned. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and I had made it. I never knew how beautiful blood was. How dark and enticingly it shone.

I looked back to Nevaeh as her face changed from one of pain to sly triumph, her mouth curving up into a wicked smile. She held my eyes and I immediately knew she had something planned.

“Elijah, comfort me! Isda, give me strength!” She called out to the roof. She looked down at me in victory as the deep wound suddenly stopped gushing blood. It looked like an invisible seal was covering it, holding the blood in and I saw the haze of pain disappear from her eyes. With a little smile she brought the sharpened stake down through the top of my shoulder just as James’ voice boomed a command for her to stop from across the gym. She twisted the weapon and I heard her thoughts venomously seep into my head.

_I am your master, this is my clan and you will not win! This is mine! They are all mine! Kael is min! James is mine! Say master! Say master!_

Fire raced through my shoulder as I dropped to the floor. She was instantly on me, stabbing the point into my chest and stomach. With each stab her thoughts yelled the command.

 _Say master!_ Say master!

Soon it filled my ears as well as my mind. I vaguely remember James appearing, tearing her off of me as if she was a rag doll and flinging her across the floor, she skidded to a halt yards away. He bent over me and chanted in a rough voice.

“Raphael heal her. Assiel heal her. Ariel heal her. Haniel heal her-“.

Slowly the pain began to subside, but coldness crept into my veins instead. I had lost too much blood. James’ hands were already dripping with it. As shadows crashed in around me I muttered the single defiant thought that had given me strength.

“No one is my master.”


	12. Chapter 12

**So I ask you all, if tomorrow never came,**

**Would you think or would you act the same?**

_The Color Morale - The Man Behind the Hands_

 

James was in a sour mood, hiding it well, but still sour. He played like he was enjoying our family time in the media room, but I caught his eyes flick to the door more than once as he waited for our little one to return home. Finally the door cracked and she slunk in. She looked pissed. James quickly evened his eyes on the television, a small smile on his face. He really could be a cocky son of a bitch sometimes. I pretended not to notice her, just in case she wanted to sneak up the stairs and not feel obligated to join us, but instead she cautiously walked down the hall like a wary street cat until she was only a few feet behind the couch James and I sat on. I tried my best to make her feel welcome, but with Nevaeh’s mean comments and James’ cold demeanor, it was a losing battle. I was outnumbered by little bitches.

James moved further down the couch, as if the girl had the plague or something, clearly being rude. _Punk ass bitch_ , I thought at him. He glanced to me as if he had heard, but I knew he hadn’t, he just had a weird way of making others _think_ he knew everything, but he didn’t, not really. He was Human just like us…or part Human at least. Somehow he always got the rep of being some kind of supernatural being though, even more-so than the rest of us, but I assume that was part of the role of being the leader; you had to seem like more than a mere Darkling. I knew of some clans who feared James more than a true Fallen. I knew of Demons who would rather go against an entire quad than face James alone. He certainly had a reputation around him, even the names he was known by were often enough to scatter enemies. Like King. I didn’t know much about that one, I would ask him sometime. Ace had piqued my interest by the way he’d acted around James, or ‘King’.

I knew some of James’ past, but I had always just accepted that he must have had a colorful run before he found me, since many of the names he was called were ones that pre-dated me and the formation of our clan. James was certainly a good leader, despite his secrets, and being a total asshole to the new girl. He was feared by outsiders, respected by those in his circle, and strongly tied to us, all the things you needed in a strong clan. I was proud of our family, we had been close to perfect when we had Ambriel. My stomach clenched and I pushed the thought of her from my mind; her porcelain skin, her white-blonde hair, her icy blue eyes. Everything about her had been pale and beautiful. She had almost looked like a ghost, even before her death when she began haunting my memories.

I pulled myself back to the present, and tried to rid the venom of the past from my mind. James was stiffly sitting on the couch, the new girl sat just as rigidly next to me. It was like they were five year-olds in a fight being forced to play nice while mom watched. It was rare I played the parent, that was usually James’ role. I was relieved I didn’t have to be the responsible one often. I hated having others look to me to make decisions. I hated the feeling of knowing I could make a mistake that would affect everyone I cared about. I was glad I didn’t have the responsibilities James did. I had seen him make decisions that I knew hurt, I had seen flashes of the strain leading us put on him, the wear of losing a member, of having to be strong no matter what, never grieving, never doubting, never resting. I couldn’t imagine it and I felt a brush of appreciation to my brother for taking that position. I silently thanked Shemael for James. He might be a cocky, stubborn piece sometimes, but he cared for us more than we would probably ever understand. I knew he would lay down his life, his mind, if it meant we would be safe.

Leaders were the most likely of any Fallen or Darkling to go insane and I was grateful he had taken that risk upon himself. I already feared losing my mind more than my life. I remember the feeling of my mind slipping away from me. I had been close to the brink when James found me and it was terrifying. When he first came to me, first hunted me down to kill me before changing his mind, James had offered me the lead. I was older and an Earth, which he said was commonly the head of clans, and with my strong healing talents, he thought I would be better suited than him. He said he didn't deserve to lead. I never liked leading others though, so I refused and he never brought it up again, never pushed it on me. Often I forgot what a burden he carried and how close I had come to having to shoulder it. I couldn’t even imagine what a terrible mess our clan would be if I was leading it, not that I could truly picture James taking orders from anyone, even someone he had appointed. He wasn’t exactly the following type.

Jordan suddenly stood and announced she was going to go clean up, but I knew she was probably just exhausted. James had trained me, and it had been hell, but I had at least had months of living on the streets to harden me, to prepare me. I had already been using many of my skills, much of my nature without even knowing it, plus James had taken training pretty easy on me, since it was just him and me back then. Nevaeh was already well-trained when she joined us, though she had become rusty during her hiatus and had a difficult time getting back on the horse, so to speak. James was just a freak of nature and somehow was close to perfectly conditioned when we first met. I assumed he had been with a previous clan, but never asked…it seemed like a topic better avoided. Most of his past seemed better left alone. I could only imagine what it was like for Jordan now though, with no training and no clue of her body’s potential until she was already in the second decade of her life. Nevaeh had told us that she started some informal kinds of training as soon as she could walk. She had grown up in a world of weapons and attack steps, counters and magic. I felt a little bad for the new girl, she had a long road ahead of her…or a very short one if she didn’t learn fast enough. Kill or be killed, that was our life. I hoped she was a fast learner.

I’d hate to lose her, but some part of me was kind of expecting her to not last long. Maybe a few battles if she was lucky, but in the back of my mind I had already accepted that we would probably be burning her and laying her ashes to rest within the year. Maybe I was just pessimistic because of our last member. I thought of Ambriel’s gleaming white stone out in our burial ground and felt a tug on my heart, I pushed it aside and tried to focus on the TV. I probably would forever assume that any new member would end up dead, since Ambriel had been such a natural, such a good warrior…but that still hadn’t been enough. Maybe we were just meant to be a clan of three. I would miss Jordan though. She was kind, in a guarded, suspicion-of-the-world, walls-always-up, don’t-get-too-close-to-me-or-I’ll-bite-you kind of way.

Nevaeh gave a long, overtly-sexual sigh as soon as the program ended. She had her eyes on James, smoldering in that way she always did when she looked at him, or any guy who was unlucky enough to catch her eye. It was gross. James tried his best to ignore her, flicking little pieces of imaginary or invisible lint off his jeans, but she began clicking her long polished nails on the buffed wooden arm of the chair she sat in. Finally James rolled his head in her direction, his head laying on his left shoulder, his brows raised in question.

“Yees?” He said in a tired voice.

“I'm bored. I want to train." She pouted. "Kael can make dinner while we play downstairs.” She finished in a definitive voice, as if merely saying it made it the plan for the evening.

“Well I don’t want to train. I’m t…”

James hesitated and I knew he was too proud to admit he was worn out and just wanted to relax, but I could see it in the slight slump of his shoulders. I silently scolded Nevaeh for not noticing it as well. She only ever saw what she wanted. James had been out all night, I had heard him leave, and he hadn’t gotten back until early, but Nev just looked at him through her eyelashes in a disgustingly come-hither way. James restarted his sentence.

“Yeah fine, but Kael should join. You two versus me, might as well make this a fair fight.” He spoke in a cocky voice, his usual attitude back in his tone and on his face. Just once I wished he would admit to being mortal and say he was spent, to admit that even _he_ had limits. I was about to speak up when I heard him almost inaudibly whisper Rampel, Sandalphon, and Nathaniel’s names. At least he wasn’t so bullheaded as to try and practice without a little help from above. I shrugged at him before getting to my feet.

Nevaeh stuck her lips out, but didn’t argue James’ stipulation and also rose, leading the way to the basement, her hips swinging seductively. I rolled my eyes but no one noticed. James was still on the couch with his head laid back, his eyes closed. He looked oddly peaceful and I wished Nev would just let him alone. He deserved some much needed rest, but she didn’t care about anything but getting what she wanted, and he had always been at the top of that long list. I lightly hit James’ shoulder with the back of my hand to get his attention, he opened one eye at me before sighing and grabbing my offered hand to help him up.

“Three Angel names, man, just for a bit of training? You sure you’re up for this?” I asked quietly, so Nev wouldn’t hear as she disappeared into the stairwell.

“Just worry about keeping up, KC.” He replied, using the nickname he had originally called me when I joined him in a show of teasing familiarity. I cracked a smile for his sake before shrugging again and brushing past him to head downstairs after my partner.

An hour and a half, and more than a few broken bones and Angel names later, I was spent and only half-assing it, but Nevaeh and James were still going balls to the wall. James was clearly winning, but he did look tired, even with the Angel’s aid. His reactions weren’t as quick as usual, and even some of his strikes seemed unsteady. His smooth style was disrupted but that just made him that much more difficult to predict.

James cocked his head slightly without letting his eyes drift from Nev, but I knew his body language too well. I glanced down from where we fought high above the gym floor to where the distraction was that had caused James’ gesture. And there stood Jordan, looking unbelievably confused...and a little sleepy. I took the opportunity to attack James, hoping he would be too busy with Nev and the realization of our new spectator to notice; he wasn’t. He spun around to me at the last possible moment and landed a blow at my chest that knocked the wind from me and sent me tumbling back. Nevaeh pounced on the opportunity and landed a high kick hard enough to throw James off the beam we were working on. He grabbed the edge as he fell, dangling above the gym floor.

Nev pulled her bow from her back and strung it deftly, aiming it dramatically for James’ chest as he hung by his fingertips. James merely gave her a smirk and taunted her, pretending to beg for mercy with fake fear trembling in his voice. She let the arrow fly but I knew it wouldn’t make it to him. Sure enough, James pulled his Sign around him and the arrow went up in flames and a pathetic puff of smoke. I smiled in spite of myself. James certainly had flare.

Nevvie looked livid. We had never quite set the parameters for if Signs were to be used in this particular training session since James had tripped her almost as soon as he made it to the landing, starting the fight off prematurely and putting an end to her flirtations. But in the previous ninety minutes, none of us had used any of our gifts, just a good, old fashion brawl, so I could almost understand her annoyance. But then again, we hadn't banned any gifts either. She should have seen it coming. We never beat James, not truly.

Before Nev had the chance to pout again or scream or do something else characteristic of herself, a tan blob hit her in the face. A sandbag fell to the ground far below with a satisfying thud and I almost laughed out loud. Clearly the new girl had an arm on her. Nev didn’t seem to see the humor of the situation quite like I did. The party quickly moved to the ground as James played mediator between the two women. I stayed contentedly perched above the action, hoping for a cat fight. Unfortunately, no cigar. By the time I jumped down to join it looked as if I’d have to settle for a show of if the new girl could fight, still intriguing, but not nearly as juicy as seeing her and Nev go at it Girls Gone Wild style.

Nev snapped at me to get a weapon as I approached, probably embarrassed that she had been nailed in the face by a piece of training equipment thrown by a baby Darkling who probably didn’t know the first thing about combat. I grabbed my discarded staff from our earlier training and returned to her side. She was glaring at the new girl and James as they spoke in hushed tones to each other.

James’ demeanor had completely changed, he had his arrogant stance again, and any sign of exhaustion was wiped from his body, like just Jordan’s eyes on him was enough to rejuvenate him. Nev noticed this too and her look took on a dangerous edge. I nudged her to get her attention and gave her a poignant look to convey that _I_ would be the one going after the girl. I didn’t want to risk Nev playing too rough and killing the poor thing.

I understood Nev’s confusion though, just a couple hours earlier James has acted like Jordan was an undesirable, and now he was practically flirting. I mean, the new girl _did_ look a little like a sex kitten with her messy bed-head and sweats on, but James? Actually being pleasant? That was just madness. Maybe he was just trying to piss Nevvie off, that sounded like something he would do, but yanking the new girl around just to get to Nev was a trash move. I would have to talk with him about that.

Three minutes later James and Jordan were still talking and I could tell it was steaming Nevvie more by the second. If there was one thing I knew about my partner, more than anything else, from all the hardships we had been through, the years we had been together and grown so close, all the experiences, heartaches and joys…it was that she was a complete and total cunt. I loved my pair more than life itself, I would throw myself between her and any enemy and I would gladly take her place in Hell if it ever came down to it, but that didn’t mean I was delusional and thought she was a sweet person. She was a bitter, spoiled, self-centered brat with a serious attitude problem, but I couldn’t blame her. She had been raised in privilege, then had it all ripped away, twice, and now she enjoyed giving out as much pain as she had endured in her short life.

As if to give verbal proof to my thoughts, she yelled over at James in an impatient voice. They were standing close now, heads together as they spoke, like partners, a couple, and I could only imagine how Nevvie must feel to see her prize giving so much attention to another woman, especially a woman whose beauty rivaled her own. James was such an ass. I almost started laughing, but stifled it in my throat.

Finally the love-birds turned towards us and seemed to be prepared to begin. I caught a glimpse of Jordan’s face, she looked about as confused by James’ change in mood as I was. I glanced back to Nev to reiterate the point that _I_ would be going for Jordan, _not her_. She seemed to not mind, which I assumed was because she wanted to knock James’ pretty little head off his shoulders, but I wasn’t worried. He was used to dealing with angry, spited women.


	13. Chapter 13

**How does it feel?**

**Well it feels like I'm on fire.**

**Wake up, I know you can hear me.**

_Pierce the Veil - Match Into Water_

 

I woke up in a bright white hospital room and it took me a few moments to remember how I had gotten there, and where ‘there’ was. I rolled over, expecting fiery pain to wash over me, but amazingly, I felt fine, a little sore, but not at all what I had been expecting. I gingerly touched my jaw, moving it to be sure it wasn’t injured. I flexed my hand and then touched my chest and finally my shoulder where I could still vividly remember the staff ripping down, slicing through muscle as it glanced off bone. As I took further inventory of my body’s lack of injuries I realized I still felt like I had adrenaline pumping through me, crawling under my skin. I sat up and looked around. James sat in a chair a few feet away, staring at me with his frighteningly dark eyes. So it wasn’t left over fight-or-flight chemicals from the ‘game’, it was him and his inexplicable sizzling presence making me feel like a live wire.

“You’re all healed, no permanent damage. Kael helped once he got there, so there shouldn’t even be any scars. I leave scars when I heal. It isn’t really my forte.” He spoke evenly, a look of calm indifference on his face. His mouth opened into a long yawn, making him look like a lion, lounging in the shade, the perfect picture of boredom. I peered at him from my bed of starched sheets and it seemed that under his carefully composed mask, there was something hidden, he looked tired and…relieved?

“How long have I been out?” I asked quietly, surprised by how dry my mouth was. There was a metallic taste at the back of my throat that made me want to gag, I swallowed a few times instead to try and rid it.

“All night. You lost a lot of blood or you would have come to earlier. You still aren’t near as strong as us. I should have given you the Blood Angel’s name, but I didn’t think you’d need it.” He almost sounded apologetic. As apologetic as he could, I supposed.

A part of me felt comforted at hearing this, I hadn’t been out for days at least, but that feeling was quickly dwarfed by the boiling anger I felt for Nevaeh. I glared to the door, letting it fill me.

“You guys are messed up, you know that? Especially Nev. She’s crazy. Who tries to kill a member of their so-called 'family'?”

“She’s been punished. She won’t disobey me again. Our fights normally aren’t so…realistic. At least you aren’t afraid of injury, you proved that. Stubborn too.” He said with a slight smile in his tone. “I have a good partner, even if you aren’t trained yet. You have good instincts, good potential.”

I felt a surge of pride at his words, but I lost it as I remembered Nevaeh’s face as she had healed herself.

“I would have beaten her if she hadn’t cheated and healed halfway through. I thought you said only Earth’s could heal themselves…like Kael. Is Nevaeh one too?” I said the words bitterly, but I knew I was just angry I had been bested. “Your little game of Uncle is just as messed up as Nev. Who tries to kill their own clan? You could have at least given me a warning.” I fixed James with my best glare.

“I thought you liked to learn by doing? Besides, how will you learn if you only practice with people who won’t actually hurt you? The things out there will rip you apart…so we train the same way. And Nevaeh didn’t heal herself, she’s a Water, so she can’t heal herself…she just used a trick. We can call on other Angel names, non-healing ones, even for our own use. She asked for the pain to go away, and then for her blood to slow.” He spoke with no emotions on his face, a blank canvas before me.

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore him, his presence, but the fire running over my skin made it difficult and I could feel his gaze on me still. I gave up and opened my eyes, really taking him in this time. He looked awful. There was blood matted in his hair, giving it a rusty color and his arms still had the slight tinge of its stain, mine or Kael’s or maybe even his own, I wasn’t sure. It flaked off him in the heavier, dried places. He looked like hell and I was secretly glad the blood was probably mine. Something about the idea of his blood leaving his body made my stomach constrict. His dark blue eyes had the tired look of a man who hadn’t gotten near enough sleep the last few nights and even his skin seemed duller, though the harsh lights of the infirmary might have been the cause.

There were dark circles under his eyes adding to his look of exhaustion. He ran his fingers through his matted, dirty hair and hung his head as he scratched his scalp in little circles, dried blood sprinkling the floor. I watched, transfixed. Even the lines of his body as he casually leaned forward, elbows on his knees, head in his hands, was beautiful. Even filthy and stained with blood, he was a masterpiece; nature’s oeuvre. Something in the set of his shoulders seemed vaguely familiar, as if I had seen it before, the way his head hung, the way his hair fell, but that was impossible.

“Teach me how to use Angel names. I want to train today. Really train, in everything. No more half-assed sessions.”

I couldn’t believe I was damning myself to whatever James had planned, but I was sick of losing. I was sick of being the weak one. I had never experienced that before, not being capable of something, and I wasn't a fan.

When James looked up he spoke with an amused drawl pulling at his lips.

“Good to hear, now get up. Meet me in the library after you’ve cleaned up. You look terrible.”

I closed my eyes again and groaned inwardly, he had clearly been expecting this reaction from me. A small part of me wondered if the annoyance I felt at being predicted was similar to what most people felt when I figured them out at our first meeting. I threw my legs over the edge of the bed and welcomed the stiff soreness.

My room was right down the hall, it almost made me feel silly that I had spent the night in the ‘hospital’ when my own bed was so close, but I guess I didn’t have much of a say. I peeled out of my ruined shirt, stiff with my own blood. Tears mottled it like I had been used for target practice. I tossed it in the trash and stepped closer to the mirror to examine where the wounds should have been, but there was nothing but smooth skin, just like James had promised. No trace of injury, except for the dark streaks of blood crisscrossing me. It was almost like the previous evening had been a dream. My dreams had always been vivid, but then I wouldn't remember the pain, the feeling of something tearing through me. I regarded myself in the mirror calmly as I contemplated how many more times I would feel that, feel an injury most couldn't imagine. I wasn't worried, simply curious. I hadn't enjoyed the pain, but I had never felt more alive than when I had played the game, and if abuse was the price for such a thrill, then I was all too happy to pay.

I jumped in the shower and sanded off as much of my red second skin as I could. My chest and stomach burned from the rough scrubbing. The scalding water drummed on my shoulders and my muscles slowly relaxed. Finally I hung my head and watched as the water turned from clear to pink to a deep, ruby red before slowly changing back to a light pink. I wrung out my hair a few more times, until I was sure it wouldn’t have any more gory color lurking in its mass. The thought of James’ strawberry blonde bloody hair flashed in my mind and I felt the same feeling overcome me that I had felt when I saw him on his knees in front of Nevaeh, a deep feeling of it being wrong. James should never bleed, and he should never bow. I had to remind myself that it hadn’t been his blood coloring his hair just to settle my stomach.

I stayed under the hot water for a long time, washing the unsavory bits of the last twenty-four hours from my mind. Finally I stepped out and reassessed myself, dripping onto the tiled floor with steam rising from my skin. I looked better. My hair was back to its proper dark chestnut color, hanging down over my chest. My eyes looked alert and alive, more so than they had since my arrival. I no longer looked to be in a dazed stupor, merely floating along. My face was still flushed from the shower’s heat and I looked clean and refreshed. I looked ready. I felt it too.

James was lounging in one of the deep armchairs in the library. He held a black book that resembled a bible. He didn’t look up, so I sat in the chair across from him and waited. The electricity was gone, he was blocking me. A flash of annoyance shot through me. As if he felt it, he looked up and handed me the book. I took it and waited for him to say something. He didn’t. Finally I looked down at it, he had it open near the beginning, but the page was blank. I flipped through the empty book before I dropped it into my lap, exasperated.

“Real funny, what’s this about?” I said, carefully controlling the amount of frustration in my voice.

“Pick it up, focus on it. Pick one thing out and concentrate.” I reopened the book and glared at the perfectly white, blank page.

“Concentrate doesn’t mean try to light it on fire with your mind. Just look at it. You know the words are there, find them.”

I softened my glare a touch and scanned the page again. Still nothing. I looked to the side, trying for the peripheral-vision route. Still nothing. I let out a noisy breath and looked up at James. He made a face that clearly meant ‘keep trying’.

A half-hour later after trying open sesame, abracadabra, hocus pocus, alohomora, ‘I solemnly swear I’m up to no good’ and every other magical gibberish I could think up I was still staring at a blank page, frustrated beyond belief. James had started writing in one of his slim black books in the scribbled language I couldn’t understand, completely ignoring my existence. I dropped the book again and broke the silence.

“How long did it take for the magical words to reveal themselves to you?” I faked an overly-interested, cheery tone.

“A week, but I was young and you have a better teacher.” He said without looking up.

“I’m supposed to stare at this for a _week_?” I said, incredulous.

“We’ll do this for an hour or so a day until you see it, yes.” He still didn’t look up. I bit my lip, hard, and glared down at the page again.

In all honesty, I wasn’t that upset. This was infinitely better than work, or class, and even with all of my unanswered questions, the frustrations and sore muscles, hell, even with Nev’s crazy murderous breakdown, life was worth living now. Something I couldn’t remember ever truly feeling before. I found myself smiling slightly as I thought of how much my life had changed, just in a few short days. At some point during my pleasant thoughts, James must have looked up. He looked to be mulling something over.

“Mind sharing the joke with me? Or is it an inside one between you and the paper?” He had a note of annoyance in his voice that I found strangely satisfying, even though I didn’t know how I had put it there. I peered at him through my lashes, dipping my head coyly.

“We’re just gossiping about you, this book has some juicy secrets.” James looked unamused, which was quite rare for him.

“Get out of your head and focus.” He said shortly before looking down and continuing his writing.

I ignored his order and instead took the opportunity to watch him. He had showered, and though he still looked tired, he truly was something magnificent, all male beauty and charming features. If only he used his charm more instead of acting like an arrogant ass half of the time and an apathetic teen or mischievous child the other. Though the amused look he so often wore when he was misbehaving somehow made my heart feel light. He was infuriating and alluring all rolled into one. He irritated me more than anyone I had ever met, and I felt like he knew it, like he worked extremely hard to be as annoying as he was, and yet I still enjoyed seeing him. It somehow felt like a privilege when he was around.

As I looked at him longer, I started to see things I had missed before, normally his eyes were so capturing I wasn’t able to study the rest of him. He had flawless skin, even and smooth with a golden glow that made him look godlike, the only disruption from his perfection was a thin, white scar that ran from just behind his right ear down across his neck until it disappeared beneath his collar. His mouth was set sternly into a thin line, making him look older than he was. His hands moved fluidly, leaving the strange, heavy black marks behind. He had more white scars spider-webbed across his knuckles and the backs of his hands; marks of the trade I assumed. Occasionally his arms were marred by a thicker line of pale skin, showing where a larger injury must have been. He had a slight five o’clock shadow, even though it was morning. He must have not shaved the day of my injury, and the scruff added to his older look. He seemed like the kind of man who had seen so much, knew so much, that even if he was just barely at his prime physically, his mind was already far beyond his body, older, wiser. That’s what his eyes so often showed me, he understood things others didn’t. He knew things, saw things, in ways others couldn’t.

As I watched him, I realized he still reminded me of a lion but something wasn’t quite right. Like a puzzle that was missing some key pieces. I could tell what the picture was, but it wasn’t complete. James was like that, behind all his confidence and his teasing air that suggested he didn’t care about anything, he seemed incomplete. He wasn’t as indifferent as he wanted people to believe. He was closed off, guarded. He hid himself in plain sight, using his lazy apathy and threatening words to keep others at arm’s length. He acted cold and arrogant to others, to me, to keep everyone far from him. I understood the desire, I had been mastering the talent of not caring for years, but something told me he was only pretending. There was more to him than he let me see, and I always loved a good challenge. I wondered what he was so afraid others would find out about him, what he was trying to hide.

His hand paused for a second and he looked up. Our eyes met and his dark ones seemed to hold the answers, just beneath their turbulent surface. He was biting his lips and his raised eyebrows had the decidedly authoritarian look my parents used to give me when they were expecting me to do something. I ignored this, again, and asked what he was writing about, trying my best to copy the mischievous tone he so often used. He merely dropped one eyebrow into a questioning look, glancing down at the empty book in my lap and back up at me. I shrugged and relented, fixing my eyes on the right, top corner of the bright white page. I peeked back up after a few seconds, but he had been expecting it. He was still looking at me, waiting for me to skirt his order again. His mouth was set in a stern line, but I clearly saw one side twitch up slightly, just a centimeter or two, but still foiling his attempt at a chastising glare. I quickly acted guilty anyways and returned my eyes to the page. I felt his eyes linger on me for a while longer.

I waited probably three minutes more before I cautiously raised my eyes, keeping my head bent to look like I was still studiously staring at my assignment. James was writing again, but he had shifted in the chair, one leg hanging in a relaxed fashion over the left arm, his back leaned up against the right. The way he was sprawled out showcased his long limbs. He would probably be gangly if it weren’t for the amount of lean muscle that covered every inch of his body. Even his loose, dark outfit couldn’t hide how fit he was, and I absently wondered if he was just gifted or if he had purposely tried to make himself the picture of health, youth and strength. I couldn’t picture him in a gym, checking out his muscles as he finished reps, so I decided on the former explanation. It was impossible to make yourself look as good as he did anyways. He was just blessed. It had to be genetic.

That led me to wonder what his father looked like, and mother. I knew about everyone’s background except his; Kael was adopted, ran away, found James, Nevaeh was raised by her real parents and therefore probably knew more about Fallen and Darklings than any other member of the clan. Everyone knew about me and my adoption, but James, he had never mentioned his early years, not even in passing, not even casually. Just another way to keep others out, to protect himself. I made a silent vow to break through his walls, if for no other reason than the challenge.

Heat like an ecstasy driven fire blazed through my body, so sudden and strong it made me let out a short burst of breath and my whole body tensed. I realized a second too late that my vocal exhale had sounded faintly sexual, like a small moan. I prayed at the ceiling hoping James hadn’t noticed as I peered up from the page again. His hand momentarily paused from its smooth writing, a look of mild surprise on his face. His eyes flicked up to me and a small smile appeared. He dropped his eyes and continued his swift writing. The fire continued to smolder, but it gradually subsided until it was more bearable than at its ignition. I peeked up one last time, to make sure he was no longer wearing the smirk.

_The longer you pretend you’re trying, the longer I’ll make you practice. Stop staring at me and trying to pry into my thoughts and instead put that effort into the book._

His voice echoed in my head and I had to stop myself from smiling at his faux-annoyance, I could almost hear his thoughts’ amused undertones. Just as much as his voice, his face completely gave away his enjoyment of my little noise. I felt my cheeks burn. Blushing? I never blushed. I quickly lowered my head further and studied the page, wishing I could erase the last sixty seconds from James’ mind. Nevaeh’s Gift was looking a hell of a lot better than mine.

After sitting in mortified silence for the rest of the hour James sent me to change into gear and meet him and Kael in the gym. I made it down there to see that the men had set up all the punching bags into a forest of hanging leather and man-sized canvas pillars. I felt my heart sink and leap at the same moment, or at least in quick succession. I was burning to hit something, to throw myself into destroying something, but I was starting to feel a deep soreness creep back into my muscles and the thought of a full on workout was daunting. Luckily, all I had to do was think of Nevaeh standing over me, my blood dripping from her stake, to renew my eagerness to learn to fight, and fight well.

I walked across the gym to my torture session with a determination I was a little proud of. I stopped just short of the boys who seemed to be discussing the game plan. James broke off and leaned against the wall, sliding down to sit, his hands lightly clasped around his knees. The muscles in his forearms standing out in deep shadowed grooves. I pulled my eyes away as Kael turned to me with a playful grin. He had the gleeful look in his eyes of someone with a secret.

“Ready to play?”

“The last time you called it ‘play’ you tried to knock my head off.” I replied casually.

“Oh please! I didn’t even hit you that hard. Didn’t James give you a little help in the strength department? Afriel or Uzziel, maybe?” I gave him a blank look. “Sandaphon? Zuphlas? Ataphiel? Come on, throw me a bone, sista.”

I shot James a look; he had his eyes closed, head leaned against the wall and a small self-satisfied smirk on his face, one corner of his lips just barely pulled up.

“Rogziel?” I said, hoping I remembered it correctly and wondering if James had somehow tricked me with some kind of placebo effect Angel name.

At this Kael turned to James too. “Really? Wrath of God?”

James’ smile had grown and was now all fox.

“Well, it worked. I didn’t hear any complaints.”

Kael made a sound in his throat that I assumed was meant to show disgust.

“That’s because she was unconscious and bleeding all over the floor, uhg!” He turned back to me and sweetened his voice.

“Barkiel, Nemamiah or Hofniel are better general options, but we’ll work on that when we do language and Gifts. James isn’t gifted in the area of Angel names quite like I am, you know, being the healer of the clan and all.” He puffed his chest out in mock pride as he spoke.

“And besides…I’m a much better teacher than James.” At this he dropped his voice into a conspiring whisper and I laughed out loud. It felt good to laugh, like a coil of tension was being released. Kael was the only one I'd really laughed with in the last few days, he made it impossible not to, he reminded me of a playful puppy despite his size. Despite how menacing he had looked when he nearly knocked me out the day before. This thought lead me back to some of my questions. I never felt like I could ask James unless I wanted to fight them out of him, but Kael was so much more open. I paused to think of how to word my first inquiry before deciding to just plunge in.

“Why do you look different when you fight? I’ve seen it with all of you now, your faces…morph, change.” My question clearly shocked Kael, but James was the next to speak.

“You haven’t seen me change.” He sounded slightly disgruntled, and then I remembered I had only seen his change in my sleep, in a dream. I shrugged in response.

Kael seemed to recover from his momentary surprise and answered as if James hadn’t interjected.

“Well, when we pull from our powers, when we’re really using them deeply, the power changes us on the outside as well as within. When I use my Gifts, any of them, I lose some of my humanity. You could say I am less Human when I use my magic or Sign than when I’m just standing here with you. When my powers come through, my Fallen blood takes over, and the part of me that’s Human is forced out. It’s called a Shift, my Blood Power.”

I mulled it over, deciding it made sense in a sci-fi-y way, they didn’t look even remotely Human when their eyes turned to coal and their teeth sharpened into razors, but something still seemed wrong.

“But you get your humanity back?”

“We don’t actually lose it permanently, it’s almost like it flees us while we are pulling from our Fallen blood, as if our humanity can’t live in the same body as our Gifts. It’s not as scary as it seems. Some Humans can’t even see the changes in us unless we show it on purpose, unless we show them our true face. But some can see what others can’t, just like how you can see through things others can’t. Even this early in your training, you’re already seeing things that most new Darklings take months to learn.”  
            “Like James trying to look like a drug addict.” I said flatly.  
            Kael laughed at this. “Well, he actually just puts on the glamour to stop girls from throwing their panties at him, not necessarily to look like a druggy. He just said that dumb excuse to try and get you off his case, back when we thought you were Human.” He said this with a twinkle in his eyes so I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.

“What about the city, the night we met…again. Was that you guys in the alley, where that girl was found?”

At this Kael looked surprised again. “You were there?” He turned to James. “Is that why we left so fast? She was there?” He turned back to me, still looking confused. “What were you doing there?”

James finally cut in. “One question at a time. Yes, she was there. Yes, that’s why we left. And I’m guessing she found us by coincidence, she seems pretty lucky.” The last word somehow seemed like an insult. I narrowed my eyes at him.

“So it was you that…stopped me from crossing the street? With the wind?”

At this Kael let out a small laugh and answered my question before James could.

“No, we don’t have an Air in our clan, I mean I guess I could have used magic to push it at you, but I didn’t even know you were there, only James saw you apparently. And he’s a Fire, no connection to Air whatsoever.” Kael sounded positive that this was impossible, but James had an odd look on his face. I ignored it, I still had more questions for Kael.

“Why did you talk to that marble thing back in the woods when the Gorsche was after us?”

James made a noise of irritation from his spot on the wall.

“Does she never stop asking questions?”

I ignored him, again, and kept my eyes on Kael. Maybe if I pretended he wasn’t there he’d stop talking and let Kael answer my questions in peace.

“Oh yeah, that’s a Call. It’s a piece of magic I actually created, something that can relay messages to the rest of the clan. In this case, I was telling them to get their asses over to us and help.” He smiled proudly at being able to explain his invention. “I’m pretty good with enchantments, and I like to make stuff.”

I nodded slightly, giving him a small smile.

“Any more questions?” He asked a little warily and I could almost hear Ambriel’s name drift through my mind on his thoughts. He was afraid I would ask about her, and he didn’t want to have to talk about it.

I thought for a moment longer.

“Yeah, one more; what are you teaching me today?”

Kael visibly relaxed before answering. “Well, most mornings you’ll meet me here and I’ll work on your strength and hand combat, then you’ll switch teachers and do some work with bows and whips and other ranged weapons and then you’re back to me, lucky goose. I’m going to help you learn and apply your Gifts.” He gave a big, goofy grin at me that made me smile back. “Afternoons you’ll work with James, knives and then it’ll be school all night. Well, not all night, but late into the evenings. You won’t be getting much sleep from here on out.”

“You get used to it.” James said.

Kael made his scoffing noise again. “Coming from Mr. Nocturnal over here. He never sleeps, just goes out at night, all night, almost every night. If you ever get the kajonas to follow him, lemme know what the fuck the bastard’s up to, will yah?” Kael’s teasing voice once again gave me the distinct feeling that there was some brotherly love between the two men.

“Bars and whores.” James replied with a deadpan look, not missing a beat.

Kael burst out laughing as if this was some private joke they’d been through before.

I cut in, seeing the conversation drifting away.

“School? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

I hated school, having to learn meaningless, useless things just because society said so.

“Angels, heals, our history – you need to know a lot about us. I hear James has already started on some homework; Book of Dust? Heard that went great.”

James made a noise that might have been a chuckle he attempted to cover with a cough into his fist. I sent him an icy glare, but it was lost on him. His face was hiding behind his knees where he sat but I could see his shoulders shaking slightly with silent laughter, his messy hair shielding his eyes from mine. I slid my eyes back to Kael, daring him to say something more about it. He feigned a look of angelic innocence and continued in a more sympathetic tone.

“It took me months, but apparently that’s normal, so don’t sweat it. James will work on the book and your writing.”

While Kael went off on some tangent I mouthed ‘months?’ to James, who seemed to be over his fit of laughter, he just shrugged and silently mouthed ‘late bloomer’ back with a look of mischief in his eyes. Kael didn’t seem to notice our mute conversation and continued to rattle off my schedule.

“I’ll do some common Spoken terms which will include Angel names and heals and Nev’ll do history.” He sped through the last part but it caught my attention anyways.

“I don’t really like the idea of her being responsible for any part of my training.” I said with an unintentional edge to my voice. I didn’t want to seem like the bitch here, that was her role.

“Yeah well, she isn’t thrilled either, part of her punishment for…well….” Kael cringed and started making stabbing motions.

I smirked despite myself. James merely raised an eyebrow, though he did look mildly amused. The corner of his mouth pulled up into his sly smile as he spoke.

“You ladies have to learn to get along; you’re family now. Plus, Kael and Nev already bicker like an old married couple, I can’t deal with you two picking at each other constantly too.”

“I’ll play nice if she does.” I said evenly.

“Your version of nice and hers might be a little different, lamb.” James replied.

I couldn’t tell why on earth he was defending her; she had tried to kill me! I still distinctly remembered James’ fervent voice as he spoke the Angel’s names over me, his angry yell commanding her to stop from across the gym, his worried eyes as I lost consciousness, the carefully hidden relief in his tired face when I had woken up in the hospital room. He hadn’t sounded confident when he was shooting out healing name after healing name, and he had looked like he was up all night watching over me, waiting for a sign of consciousness, the dried blood on him attested to the fact he hadn’t even left my bedside to clean off. I kept seeing flashes that seemed to show me his character, a good character, someone who cared for others, but every one of his conscious actions said the exact opposite. He was annoyingly contradictory. Instead of letting on my frustrations I just gave a small shrug.

“I think I can handle it, I’m not easily riled up. Nothing much fazes me.” I was trying to sound apathetic and unconcerned, taking a page from James’ book of behavior, but it came across as flat, lifeless.

“Ha! No kidding!” Kael burst out, startling me out of my carefully composed cool look. “I’ve never seen anyone take the ‘you’re Demon-spawn’ speech so fucking well! I mean, technically I’ve never seen anyone besides myself get the ‘you’re Demon-spawn’ speech since Nev already knew, but still! Nothing much fazes you? More like nothing even touches you.” Kael had the jubilant puppy look on his face again, but James was giving me a strange look. His eyes almost looked…sad? In a flash it was gone, back to his cocky standard.

“I’ll work with Demon types as well.” James said with a poignant look at me, as if he were trying to let me know something else with his words. When I stared blankly back, he continued, an edge of frustration in his voice. I felt a flash of annoyance right back, he could just tell me with his thoughts, if he’d let me in. But he’d been closed off to me ever since our little library incident.

“Some can only be killed in certain ways, others have blatant weaknesses you should be aware of. Like Gorsches, they’re fetchers, retrievers. They are used to bring something back to the one who summoned them, or controls them. They aren’t very smart, but they’re tough and can only be killed with fire,” He paused, possibly for dramatic effect, “from the inside out. Weapons can injure it, but only boiling it from the inside can kill it. That’s why having all four Signs are especially needed in a clan and in ideal conditions, all are present in each quad of a large clan.” He looked hard at me, his dark eyes bore into mine and even though the way he said the next words didn’t sound any different, I knew what he had been trying to tell me earlier.

“Some Demons can block certain powers and Gifts and be impossible to kill if not all Signs are present. Their ability to block is very powerful and useful. After the rest of your work, meet me in the library tonight and we’ll work on a few common types.”

What he really meant was that he was keeping up his end of our deal and was going to begin training me to block others’ Gifts, to guard my mind from people like him. I decided to play along with his little code and gave him a casual nod of agreement before looking to Kael again.

“So, hand combat and strength. Teach me, oh sensei.”

James rolled his eyes at my flattering tone.

“Yu car me sensea cos I Asian? Yu disrespect ma famiry!” Kael squinted his eyes as he put on his best Asian-grandfather accent. I burst out laughing at his unexpected humor and even James flashed a genuine smile, a sliver of bright teeth making a brief appearance.

The memory of my first dream of James came rushing back to me; his easy, handsome smile, the dark alley, his frightening beauty, his eyes quickly changing to dangerous, black pits, his strong arms wrapping around me. A fear rose out of me and I had to stuff it down and focus hard to appear calm. James’ smile faded quickly and his eyes settled on me, searching as if he had sensed my momentary terror. He seemed to lose interest quickly though and leaned back against the wall, letting his head lay back on it after a moment and sliding his gaze to Kael.

“Don’t mind me, I’ll just watch.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Have faith in me**

**'Cause there are things that I've seen I don't believe**

**So cling to what you know and never let go**

**You should know things aren't always what they seem**

_A Day To Remember - Have Faith In Me_  

 

Kael turned me towards the closest punching back and proceeded to show me how to hold my hands, what stance to use and a whole slew of other elementary information I already knew. Finally I stopped him when he started to explain to me that the bag would spin back towards me and I had to move out of its way or hit it again. I quietly told him that I had worked at a training gym for two summers back in high school and understood the basics. He mumbled something about thinking I had had a bit of formal training during ‘Master’ before stepping back and telling me to show him what I knew.

I loved the feeling I had always gotten back at the gym, surrounded by punching bags, letting all of my aggression out on the little leather pouches. I spun and twisted, not nearly as gracefully as Nevaeh or as strongly as Kael, but at least I wasn’t completely useless. I knew a few things and it all came back to me like riding a bike; turn this way, dodge that way: hit, fake, hit, kick, dodge. I loved it. I went on for a little while, lost in the movement and the jarring hits of the heavier bags. I felt as good as I had when James had given me Rogziel’s name, but this time it was all me. I found myself smiling as I pummeled the dummies.

The next thing I knew, Kael flung himself at me. He threw two punches, but they didn’t seem as quick as he was capable of and I dodged back. Almost without even knowing it, I threw out my leg and caught the back of his, pulling it from under him and brought my knee up into his face as he compensated and leaned forward in front of me. The contact made a sick noise and he had to steady himself with one hand on the ground. He looked up and I saw a trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth. I felt the same sick pleasure I had when Nev’s blood had run down my arm. But unlike last time, almost instantly I felt guilt rise in me. I liked Kael, he was my friend, or the closest thing I had to one. I stepped back and let him stand, he had a look of confusion on his face.

Without meaning to, I glanced over to James and immediately regretted it. His eyes held a cold emotion I couldn’t place. I looked back in Kael’s direction just in time to see his hand shoot out towards me. I felt it close around my neck as my whole body tensed up. I had always hated the feeling of not having air. My only true fears were drowning or suffocating. I would rather burn alive than feel the panic of my lungs trying to pull something that wasn’t there. I tried to claw Kael off of me, but the fear was closing in around me and he now had both hands firmly grasping my neck. The lack of air sapped my strength and the awful panic began to set in. I knew this couldn’t kill me, but that knowledge didn’t matter. Logic didn’t matter. Right before the shadows overcame me, Kael dropped his arms and caught me before I could collapse to the gym floor. He held me in a gentle bear hug that supported my semi-conscious weight.

James stood and walked over with his predatory gait. He looked angry, but I couldn’t tell at what. Me for hitting Kael? Kael for choking me? He was indecipherable. Kael gingerly let go of me and I managed to stand on my own, greedily gasping in deep breaths. James must have given Kael some kind of cue, because he started out across the floor, towards the door, glancing back every few steps. I felt a small fear creep up from my chest to my throat. I was alone with James, and he seemed in a violent mood. He still looked angry, and a small part of me didn’t like the idea of being alone with the angry lion.

He took a step closer to me and I instinctually stepped back. Wrong choice. A smile of pure dark glee played at the corners of his mouth; he knew I was afraid. He continued towards me and I continued to back up, something about him was different, he seemed darker, like something had taken him over, possessed him. What Kael had said about Fallen blood chasing away humanity flashed through my mind, but James didn’t have the tell-tale looks that gave away his power’s influence. He stalked closer and I felt my heart jump.

He came at me like a flash of lightening, I blocked as much as I could, but I couldn’t even get the chance to get a hit of my own in. His attacks were so quick and powerful even when I blocked or dodged they still hurt where they grazed me skin. His animalistic grin grew as he continued to gain ground. He seemed to slow slightly and I saw a small window of opportunity to hit him right beneath his ribs on the right. I faked a punch to his face and brought my opposite arm up into his stomach. He wasn’t even fazed, I heard a small breath escape him, the faintest grunt, but then he continued as if nothing had even happened. I dove back just in time to miss a kick that looked like it would have broken my leg. He used his continued momentum to instead shove me back, as if this had been his plan all along. Each of his movements melded so smoothly into the next, it was like a dance. I landed on the floor and he glanced at my hip, where my knife was clipped. He smiled a little wider and nodded to it, as if to cue me to use it.

My hand had a slight shake as I pulled the knife, and I silently cursed the sign of fear, of weakness. As soon as it was free he dove down at me, I rolled away and quickly got my feet under me. In one fluid movement he went from flat on the floor to standing directly in front of me, as if gravity didn’t mean anything to him, as if time and space and movement meant nothing.

He had left an easy opening for me to try and get a stab in while he gave me a cocky grin. I pulled the knife up and made the move to take the shot, but then an image of James’ blood on my blade flashed through my mind and I must have hesitated. Next thing I knew I was on the floor, James on top of me and the knife pried from my hand. He gave me a shallow cut across my collarbone and dropped the knife on my chest before pushing off. The pain blossomed across my skin, but it was lost in the wave of anger I felt. He was taunting me. He took a couple steps back, allowing me to stand. I wiped my own blood from my knife and advanced on him. He looked pleased, and even that angered me; how dare he be glad I wanted to hurt him. He should be afraid, like I had been.

I threw a punch that he dodged easily, his knee came up but I saw it coming, I moved to the side and tried to bring my elbow back onto him but he spun away. I took the opportunity to readjust the knife in my hand but somehow in that split second, even though he was many feet away, he closed the distance and had his hand around my neck before I had any chance to react. I instantly felt panic set in again. I felt the air in my lungs being used up and the pressure growing in my head. I could have easily brought the knife up into his stomach, it was an open shot, but I couldn’t make myself do it, I couldn’t make my hand cause his blood to fall. My knife was frozen at my side, even though the survival in me yelled to bring it up into his flesh. It just seemed wrong. I would rather have him squeeze the life from me than have his blood on my hands. I dropped the knife and heard it clatter to the ground at our feet. He threw me back and my head hit the wall with a sickening crack, I sunk down to the floor, dazed and seeing stars.

“No! You aren’t even trying! Your anger’s just simmering under the surface. Everything’s just beneath the surface!” He yelled at me. Rage burned in his eyes and I felt something in me sink with the knowledge that I had disappointed him.

“I know you’re scared of yourself, I know you don’t want to let everything out because you’ve convinced yourself that it’s evil, that you’re evil. But sometimes it’s needed, it isn’t always wrong.” He continued in his same heated tone, but his anger seemed to be dissipating slowly. “Your hatred, your violence, your darkness, your rage, everything you’ve spent your life burying, is your nature; that is what makes us powerful. You can’t be a warrior without power, and your power is your anger, your hate. Your nature is hate.” He placed special emphasis on the last four words.

“We aren’t traditional good-guys, we are innately other, but we use all the aspects of that nature to do good. We do good things in bad ways, in ways others cannot…but you can’t do any of that if you keep shutting it out.”

I tried to quiet my breathing, but I wasn’t making much headway. I couldn’t seem to tear my eyes away from James either and the passion burning in his had my heart pounding loudly in my ears. He paced before me, like a lion in a cage and finally I couldn’t take it.

“Sit?” I asked with more confidence in my voice than I really felt. He shot me a look that obviously said he wasn’t going to oblige, and continued pacing in front of me.

“I don’t have any problem letting it out, letting myself be dark, or angry, or evil. I’ve always tried to push it down, that’s true, but it’s amazing knowing that I don’t have to anymore.” I paused while I figured out how to continue without giving away the strange feelings I had about injuring him. “I just don’t like the idea of hurting Kael or you. I was fine hurting Nevaeh.” I added as if this should prove my point.

He stood silent before me but had stopped pacing at least. He was now staring at me, so I continued. “I don’t think I’ll have an issue killing Demons or enemies, I just don’t feel right stabbing you…or Kael.” I added Kael’s name quickly, after noticing I hadn’t mentioned him.

“I know it can’t kill you, or him, but it still hurts you…and him.” I added as an afterthought, again. I made a mental note to work on my lying, but James' eyes pouring over me made it difficult to hide what I really meant.

He looked like he was figuring something out and a beat of silence passed before he spoke. “You cut Kael last night, during Master. It wasn’t deep, but it wasn’t tentative either. And I saw the look you got when you knocked him down just now. You forced yourself to stop, and it didn’t look easy.”

I opened my mouth to interrupt, to defend my actions and argue that I wasn’t some kind of monster who enjoyed hurting my friends, but he continued, raising a hand to silence me.

“You felt bad for hurting him I’m sure, that’s why you could make yourself stop. I’ve seen bloodlust like yours, but you pulled back and stopped it, even though your initial reaction was to finish.” He was standing deathly, inhumanly still and it made me feel slightly uneasy. I had hoped he wouldn’t remember my fighting Kael last night, but of course he remembered, I was starting to understand that he saw everything. He had even seen my momentary glee after hitting Kael, something I thought I hadn't shown.

“But with me, you won’t even get the knife close. What are you afraid of? You know you won’t kill me, and the pain isn’t something any of us are scared of, especially me.” He gave a dark, humorless laugh. “So why won’t you use your gifts? You’re naturally good with knives, and it makes more sense to hone that skill than to teach you a completely new one. So tell me, what’s wrong?” He spoke in a quiet voice and he had his head slightly cocked to one side, as if he was a dog watching a Human do something especially strange. He no longer looked like a lion; more canine than feline.

I didn’t know how to answer, so I just let the silence hang between us. As the gap in conversation lengthened, he slowly began walking toward me until he was directly in front of me. He crouched down and my knife appeared in his hand, glinting menacingly. I hadn’t even remembered him picking it up. In an instant he had my hand around the handle and covered it with his own, holding my hand on it in an iron grip. The sudden movement startled me, but his skin on mine smoldered and the pleasant burn made my heart jump more than his swift movements.

I was so caught up in his hand over mine, I almost didn’t notice as he slowly pulled the blade closer to his chest. It felt like a bucket of ice water was thrown on me as I snapped out of my daze. I tried to pull my hand back, to let go of the dagger, but his grasp held firm. My mind started to panic and my stomach turned as I realized what he was doing; he was trying to _make_ me hurt him. Like exposure therapy for someone with a phobia, pushing them into the situation they feared. I struggled harder and futilely tried to pull away or drop the knife, but it was impossible. I looked up at him to see him evenly staring back at me. He had a calm, determined face on and somehow it made me feel a bit calmer too. I felt the knife’s point hit resistance and tried to pull away one last time. HHHe slowly moved his head to one side, a slight warning for me to stop, it was useless anyways, all of my effort didn’t even slow the knife’s advance.

We were both deathly still, me sitting with my back against the gym wall, him sitting on his heels directly before me, so close I could smell the smoky pine scent that clung to him. He dropped his eyes to the blade touching the right side of his chest, just below his collarbone and my eyes followed. I saw the point smoothly advance forward until a crimson spot appeared on his white shirt and rapidly spread downwards. The point was only maybe a quarter inch in, and then a half-inch. I could smell the blood and the red blotch that crept down his shirt made my stomach tighten. I felt the knife slip between muscle and a sickening tearing noise seemed to fill my ears, making my stomach flip as I fought the desire to be ill.

The concentration of this task took all of my attention and when I felt warm blood, his blood, trickle down my wrist I felt myself losing the battle. My stomach jumped into my throat and my mouth began to water, the familiar feeling you get right before you throw up. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to bring myself into a daydream, anywhere, to escape where I really was, and what I was really doing. I felt a coldness begin to spread through my body as I took deep breaths and then the cold turned into a dark nothing. I felt a slight spinning, a shaking, and then my directions disappeared, everything disappeared, as if I was falling asleep and dreaming of nothing but a cold, black room.         

\---

I woke up with a quiet, soothing crackling surrounding me and the pleasant smell of wood smoke and pine permeating the air. I opened my eyes and found that I was in James’ dimly lit room, lying on the couch by the fireplace. I groaned inwardly as I realized I must have passed out…again. I was getting really sick of fainting. I pushed myself up onto my elbows and glanced around, hoping he somehow wouldn't be in the room. I felt the familiar electricity and heat that meant he was there before I saw him, but as soon as our eyes met the feeling hastily dissipated. A small part of his thoughts leaked out to me before he slammed the door of his mind from mine though. I knew that he was confused, worried, and something else, almost a curious, light feeling. Happiness? It was definitely a positive emotion and somehow I felt like it was a feeling he rarely experienced, whatever it had been. Even with the feelings from his thoughts still fading in my mind, his face gave away nothing and I almost believed I must have imagined it. Maybe it was just my own happiness at being around him, at being in his room, maybe it was just the joy of being conscious again.

I sat up further and immediately a deep ach started behind my eyes, I rubbed my temples for a moment and squeezed them shut, hoping the throbbing would fade with the lack of light, however dim it was. A second later I heard James’ weight shift to cross the floor towards me and I peeked up at the noise. I was shocked by the progress he had made in only a second or two. He was already in front of me, crouched down completely still as if he were a statue. Our faces were level and he wore his distinctly cocky, amused look, one side of his perfect lips slightly turned up into a smirk.

“Boo.” He said in a pathetic attempt at startling me. I narrowed my eyes at him as I realized that he was making fun of me. “I’m impressed, lamb, you didn’t faint, not even a flinch.”

I refused to rise to his bait and instead decided on damage control.

“I felt weird all morning. I guess I haven’t fully recovered from last night, that’s all.”

He held his amused look and something in his eyes said he didn’t believe me, not even a little bit. He had changed his shirt to a clean one, and I was unspeakably grateful for that small kindness. I was positive I would have been sick if his blood was still staining him, and I'd hate to hurl on his nice rug. A cold thought hit me and I looked down at my hands, worried that I would still have blood there too, but he must have washed them. I felt an odd, soft emotion at the thought of James taking such care with me. He ignored my sudden glance to my hands as he replied.

“You seemed fine when you were training, and when you wiped the floor with Kael.” He sounded mildly teasing, but there was an undercurrent of true curiosity in his voice. I gave him a small shrug as I swung my legs to the floor and started to rise. Immediately the headache intensified and I paused. His face took on a look of concern and he lightly pushed me back onto the couch.

“Maybe you should just sit for a little while, what hurts?”

“It’s just a headache…probably from being choked out so much.” I slid him a glare through narrowed eyes.

“It makes you panic, I saw it right after Kael grabbed you. Is that what you’re most afraid of?” He had his indecipherable mask back on now and I wished he hadn’t closed his mind off from me. I felt somehow vulnerable without my Gift, even though I hadn’t known it was a Gift up until a short time ago. I had always just thought I was good at reading people, and now without my extra sense, I felt like I lost an old friend. I peered back at him, wishing I could break through.

“Doesn’t everyone hate the feeling of not having air? It’s kind of a natural fear.” I answered a little too defensively.

“Of course, but your fear goes much deeper than most.” He sat back on his heels again and a look of satisfaction spread across his face. “I think we found your Sign, little lamb.” His tone irritated me, as if I was a pet he had been trying to train that finally started to show progress.

“Air? That has got to be the most useless Sign. Burning alive sounds scary; can I have Fire instead?” I felt a little upset, even though I knew the group needed an Air apparently, it still seemed like I was getting the short end of the stick.

James let out a small laugh as he dropped his head and shook it slowly, so his hair swept in front of his face. I wished I could see his smile, but he somehow always found a way to hide it. I had the sudden urge to touch his hair, to brush it back, but that was crazy. There was nothing about James that invited touch.

“You don’t choose your Sign, it’s something you are born with, and Air is actually one of the most useful; it’s everywhere, so you never run out of energy or material to use. You can pack it together and make a shot, you can heat it, freeze it, push and pull it, and if you get strong enough, you can even steal it from others’ lungs in some cases. Which is helpful if you don’t have time to fight, or need to abduct someone without seriously injuring them…or want someone to be quiet.” He wore a slight smirk as he listed the possibilities as if finding new bonuses of being an Air with each idea. He regained seriousness as he continued. “It might sound like the weakest, but it’s not.” He paused and a small curve played at one side of his lips, giving him his usual amused, cocky look again.

“Besides, I’m a Fire. It takes a lot of energy to use unless there is actual fire present, but I’d say my Sign suits me.” His slight cocky grin became arrogant as he sat back on the rug in front of me.

“As you know, Kael is Earth, which is why he can control so many physical elements, he’s almost a mix of all our Signs. Most Earth Signs can use magic like he can, but he's particularly good at it…and healing, he's a master. Nevaeh is Water, which I would say is the least helpful in everyday use, but don’t tell her that.” He leaned in at this, as if he were telling me a big secret, he even glanced around as if Nev might be sneaking in some dark corner of his room and hear his confession.

His playful demeanor brought a small smile to my face and I found it a relief that James seemed to be in a good mood now. Rarely was he so relaxed, pleasant even.

“Water can get hot or cold.” He paused with a face that suggested that was the extent of water’s abilities and he wasn’t really impressed by them. “Now don’t get me wrong, if there’s enough of it around it can be very useful, but Nev can’t create water like I can with fire, so if there isn’t enough naturally occurring…well, her Sign isn’t always the most valuable. When she can only pull from the moisture in the air or something like that, it can’t be deadly to other Darklings. Sometimes she can pull enough to fill someone’s throat or lungs if it’s especially humid out, but it normally takes too much energy for too little an effect, a little coughing and spitting and they’re fine.” He was silent for a second, and I could tell he was thinking of something, a strange look came on his face, almost like he was stifling a smile.

“I’ve seen her pull moisture _out_ of a Darkling before. It looked very painful and was a useful torture technique, but still, it can’t kill one of us, just incapacitate for a little while. One benefit she gets from her Sign is her fluidity, she’s incredible graceful, and she’s fast. These are characteristics most Water Signs possess, but as for the actual strength of her Sign…she’s pretty weak.”

“So her Sign is the only one that can’t kill a Darkling?” I felt a little smug that her Sign was the least helpful and my voice seemed to show it.

“Usually Earth is the most deadly, magic, but my abilities are…strangely strong, just like Nev’s are oddly weak. I can pull fire and manipulate it more than is typical.” He took a moment to pause again, seeming to think of his next sentence carefully. “Kael can crush a Darkling if he has enough energy and they weren’t expecting it or couldn’t counter it in time and he has a few other tricks up his sleeve which have been known to work, I can destroy their body with fire if they don’t have protections against it, and you will be able to pack air into a straight shot to their heart or head, assuming your Sign is strong enough. Nevaeh can’t do this, she doesn’t have the power to pack such a punch, even if there was a surplus of water near. Sorry for the bad pun.” He gave me a close lipped, private smile at this and I realized this was one of the first, maybe the only time he had ever made a joke that wasn’t at my expense.

“So no, she can’t kill of her Sign's power.”

He glanced at the door, seeming to remember that we had things to do. A part of me felt disappointed that our short conversation was coming to an end, but James’ manner changed and he slipped back into teacher-mode as he made to stand. Everything from the flat line of his mouth to the stiff way he stood over me, waiting for me to follow suit, showed the clear end to our conversation, breaking the connection we had had when he was sitting cross-legged with his back to the fire.

“Most clans are so complementary and work so well together that they basically negate another clan’s Signs anyways, if they even possess all the Signs. We’re lucky that we do, now, but that’s also why we focus on more traditional fighting skills, with our Gifts and Signs scattered throughout when necessary or when it gives us a clear advantage. If you’re better with a knife than the other person, or better at hand-to-hand or a better shot, then it doesn't matter that they can block your Sign or you can block theirs. Another reason we work so hard at basic skills is because using our Signs often takes too much energy; the cost-benefit of it isn’t as good as simply fighting physically. It drains us too fast. Having Nev use the energy to boil water to throw on someone isn’t nearly as practical as just having her rip their throat out.” James continued to stand as he lectured me but I remained seated, not yet willing to give up this new side of him.

“Will you stay and talk?” I said in a low voice. “I just want to know more. Don’t you remember how frustrating it was when you first learned about…what you were, and what there really was out there? When you didn’t have any answers?”

I was surprised by my bold request, even though being bold wasn’t usually something I was a stranger to. I had always spoken my mind, usually at inappropriate times, but what really surprised me was the note of pleading in my voice. Normally I wouldn't even dream of begging, my pride had never allowed it, but for some reason James made me do things I normally wouldn’t, and he made things I usually did seem unnecessary. Something about him changed me, changed how I fundamentally was. But even with all the strange emotions I had mixing inside me, I wanted to understand what the hell was going on, not just the bare minimum, and this seemed to be one of the only times I’d had the chance to ask him things in private. I don’t know why I felt like I could trust him, and ask him things I hadn’t talked to Kael about, but something about him drew me in. Something about him was still pulling at me.

“I promise I’ll catch up, I won’t fall behind the schedule. I just want to know a couple of things.” It still sounded like I was begging, and the emotion sounded strange in my voice.

I hadn’t been able to hold his eyes as I asked, their heavy darkness seemed to chase mine away, but in the following silence I looked up. He stood with his indecipherable mask on while he looked back at me. He stood completely still as he watched me and being scrutinized for so long in such a way made me feel a little uneasy, like I was in the presence of a statue. Then something passed behind his eyes I couldn't quite translate and he sat down on the couch next to me, so swiftly it seemed inhuman. Everything about him seemed otherworldly, he reminded me of so many things, none of which were ordinary.

He turned his head to me, only a few inches away and his deep, dark eyes now drew me in instead of chasing me away.

 “What are your questions, Angel?” His eyes broke from mine and wandered my face. He made it very difficult to arrange my thoughts.

“What’s your full name?” It sounded silly as soon as I said it, but I realized the only questions I really had were about him. I knew nothing about him, and I didn’t like it. I felt like I needed to know him more, like I would somehow feel better, calmer, once I knew who he really was, once I could figure him out on some small, basic level.

James chuckled a little and dropped his head again, hiding his smile, but when he looked up he had a sparkle in his eyes I hadn't seen before, as if the smile was still there, just not on his lips.

“Darke.” He said with a slight amused twinge to his voice. “James Darke.”

Something about the name made my heart flutter and I smiled a little at him. I sat in silence for a moment, saying the name over in my head, letting it roll around and enjoying its flow.

“What about Kael and Nevaeh? Do they have sir names that fit them as well as yours does?” My voice sounded mildly flirtatious, but I wasn’t embarrassed by it, even though I realized I was holding my breath as I waited for his reply, to see how he would react.

His lip curled up on one side, but it didn’t look like the cocky smirk it usually did. The smile in his eyes made the curve look pleasant, almost like a small, unconscious smile.

“Nevaeh Sarafina Al’Jahar, her father was from Saudi Arabia. Her middle name means ‘ardent’ and it’s an Angel name, one that guards the thrown in Heaven. Her parents were good people.” He paused for a moment and his smile faded a little.

 “Kael’s name has a unique story, his adoptive parents named him Kael, his birth parents never bothered to give him a first name, but his middle is from them, it’s the only tie he has to them, and it isn’t a particularly pleasant one. They named him Charon, the-“

“Hades’ ferryman.” I said softly. “Why would they name him that?”

“It means he was made to send people to the Underworld.” Something blazed in James’ eyes as he said this and the look reminded me of a vengeful spirit. Again I got the feeling that there was something different about him, something more to him.

"Names are very important to us, to Fallen and Darklings. It's the first link in the chain of our lives, and our parents have power over it. You can usually tell a lot about one of us by the names we’re known by, you can tell even more about our parents by what they named us originally." He clenched his jaw and seemed to be trying to stifle his anger.

“His last name is Lowthorn, from his adoptive parents. He doesn’t have much contact with them anymore, except letters. They think he’s in Africa with the Peace Corp, a little lie he made up to explain his lengthy absences. They were never very close. They have six children, all adopted, and the other five are, well, normal. I think his parents feared him, his look and everything. He’s toned it down since his teen days, but his prim little fundamental family didn’t quite understand his style like we do.” He had a small smirk on his face again, but it looked colder, nothing like his earlier smile.

“What about your family? Are you adopted? Where are they now?”

I had been planning this question for a while, and I watched him intently as I said it, hoping to pick up on his emotions by a tell. I was almost upset that nothing changed about his demeanor, or his look, until a small muscle in his jaw jumped. It was so slight I almost missed it. Immediately I knew he was carefully controlling his appearance, just like I normally did when I didn’t want someone to know my true feelings. I made a mental note to watch his jaw line more closely.

“I was adopted, but they died. My mother died when I was young and my father killed himself shortly after.”

He stared straight ahead as he spoke and there was no emotion in his voice. It sounded flat and dead, like he had trained it to not inflect at any point, to give nothing away, but that didn't surprise me, what surprised me was the fact that I was positive he was lying. I couldn’t put my finger on why, nothing about his answer stood out as a give-away, but somehow I just knew he wasn’t telling me the whole truth. I realized that I felt a little hurt, but I chased away the feeling, bringing back up my own walls, which had been slipping ever since I had woken up. I lied to everyone, in fact I couldn’t remember the last time I had been even slightly truthful about my emotions or past with anyone. I was beginning to realize that James was more like me than anyone else I had ever met. In many ways this scared me.

“Any other questions?” James said, rousing me from my thoughts. Maybe I did live inside my head too much.

“Why were you in the city last week? Were you there because of the killings?”

He slid me a look from the corner of his eye as he continued to face forward. The look said yes, and suddenly it all fell together.

“A Darkling’s doing it, the murders, otherwise you wouldn’t be looking into them. Do you know who it is? How long have you been following them?”

“Yes, we think it’s one of us, or something like us, something more than Human. We’ve been working on it since shortly after the murders began.” He laid his head back on the couch as he continued, sounding almost tired. “We were in Italy when they started, finishing up a little, ah, project, but a lead from the area alerted us almost immediately when the killings began. There are some other clans working on this as well, but Kael spent a few months in this city before we met so he has a leg-up on many others. He knows people, not all of which are the most upstanding of citizens.”

“Which often make for the best leads.” I said, finishing the thought he had left unsaid.

“True. That’s what we’ve been doing most nights, why we’ve been gone so much lately. He and I both know people that we’ve needed to…visit.”

He ran his fingers through his hair before grabbing the couch behind his head, he seemed frustrated, or something else. His emotions were impossible for me to understand.

“There are two different strings of murders right now, though the media only knows of the one. Something big is doing it, a Demon or…or something else. The way it’s ripping people apart…I don’t think it’s just one Darkling even, not alone.” He shook his head again in something like disbelief. “This thing isn’t as easy as a Gorsche or some other Lesser Demon.” He paused, looking tired.

“The second outbreak I’ve been keeping quiet, I have some allies who are hiding the bodies. This city can’t handle a second killer right now, it would cause panic. I think the person behind these killings is the same one that’s responsible for ambushing Ambriel and I, the one that killed her. It’s personal and I plan on dealing with it myself.” The words tumbled off of James’ lips in a hurried fashion that was uncharacteristic of him and had me wondering what else he wanted to say but didn’t.

I remembered the brief conversation I had had with Kael and James about Ambriel, then the look on Kael’s face flooded my memory.

“Kael loved her.”

“Is that a question?” James said in a drained voice.

“Not really, I guess. More of just looking for confirmation, which you just gave by not denying it.” A cold feeling crept down my spine and it took me a moment to realize why.

“Did you love her?”

James slowly turned his face to me, the first time he had looked directly at me for a good many minutes. He had a small line between his eyes and his gaze seemed heavier than it had earlier. Silence sat between us for a long few seconds, almost like he was figuring something out. He seemed to make up his mind and took a deep breath.

“I see things, usually dark things, awful things. I saw Nevaeh’s parent’s death, I saw her sister’s death, I saw the first time Kael killed, and the second, and third. I see blood and evil everywhere I go, sometimes every time I close my eyes. The visions come at random, I never know what days I’ll meet someone, and see their death, or their past, or nothing at all.”

His eyes were pulling me in, and a fear started to grow in me, like I would never make it back out, like I might be trapped in them forever. Almost as if he could sense my fear growing he looked away, breaking the spell. He looked down at his hands and I could sense he saw something there that I couldn't.

“I saw Ambriel’s death, I saw the blood pouring out of her chest…but I couldn’t see when or where.” He paused, still looking at his hands, as if he saw some stain from her that was invisible to the rest of the world. “When it happened I was the only one with her, so it was my responsibility to protect her…and I didn’t. Therefore I’m responsible for her being gone. And for Kael being broken, for losing the one he loved. You weren’t with us, you didn’t see his face when I brought her body home, he was destroyed and it’s my fault. It always will be. She was my partner and I let her die.” His words almost sounded like a confession and I got the feeling he hadn’t told anyone else what he was revealing to me, that he had seen her death before it had happened.

The shock of learning his ability didn’t seem so difficult to believe, instead I just felt sorry for him. For having such a terrible Gift, such a heavy weight to carry, with no one to share it with, with no way of knowing when he would see another tragedy, with no way to prevent the tragedies he saw.

“So the feelings you’re picking up on, the regret or whatever else you think you’ve seen in me, is just that, regret for not saving the one my brother loved, still loves. Wondering if I could have done something differently. I didn’t love her like that, no more than I love Nevaeh. No more than I love anyone.” He spoke quietly and quickly, leaning forward, sitting still, still looking down at his hands clasped between his knees.

“People like me don’t love.” He added after a few seconds pause.

“Kael did.” I said, trying to sound reassuring.

“Kael’s a better man than I.” James replied without looking up from his hands.

We sat in silence for a while. After his admission about his bloodstained visions, my original question seemed trivial and I was embarrassed I had even asked. I couldn’t understand why he had told me so much though, when a simple ‘no’ would have sufficed. A small part of me wondered if he was telling me this because he had the same irrational feeling that he could trust me, just like I felt like I could trust him. Maybe he felt the same kind of connection I did. Suddenly I realized I had no idea what to say in response. It was rare that I found myself speechless in my old life, but I was finding it a more and more common occurrence since I had joined the clan.

“I’m sorry. I didn't know the whole story. Kael knows you did everything you could. I can tell he thinks of you as family, as his brother, he loves you.” I wanted to reach out and comfort James, it just seemed right, even though he didn't seem to be expecting me to. I took the chance and lightly touched his hand as I continued. It felt like fire, his skin was warm, but it was the feeling that ran up my arm that truly mimicked flame, like the blood in my veins had been replaced with molten rock.

“Do they know about your visions?”

He turned his head slightly towards me, not enough to look at me, just enough to let me know he was going to answer.

“Yes and no. They know I see things, that’s how I found Kael…and Nevaeh even. I saw Nevaeh’s parents die and I knew she was lost, so Kael and I went to her to ask her to join us, but she was bitter and refused. She was living with her little sister and didn’t want to have anything to do with her ancestry anymore. I respected her decision to keep her sister out of this life and we left. Then I had a second vision, I thought it was the same one at first, but then I saw the little girl. Demons attacked their home and I saw one kill her, rip her apart right in front of Nevaeh. I saw Nevaeh scream and her sister fall in pieces. We returned as quickly as we could to warn her, but it was already too late. The house was empty, ransacked, and Nevaeh was gone, hunting her sister’s killers. We tracked her and caught up right before she walked into a suicide mission. She was almost mad with grief. We helped her and killed them, all of them. Nevaeh joined us then.

"A Fourth named Gallow was behind the attacks. Nevaeh’s parents had killed his lover and he spent the rest of his life hunting down her entire family. She hates Fourths even more than Kael or I because of this, because of what he did to her family, because he destroyed her entire life.” James looked into the fire once more before continuing.

“I found Kael a couple years earlier because of my visions as well. I knew where to look for him because I had a vision of him almost every night. I tracked him down on the streets, each night getting a little closer. At first I thought I would kill him when I found him, he had done more evil than many Darkling’s I hadn’t spared before him, but something about him struck me when I finally found him. He was…he seemed scared, but not of me, not of punishment or death, but of himself. I asked him to join me instead of killing him. I told myself if he agreed, I’d spare him, but if he didn’t, I would kill him. I thought it was too late for him, that I was too late, but he surprised me by agreeing immediately, apparently he hated how he was but didn’t have the strength on his own to stop himself. He does now, he’s come so far." He took another deep breath before returning to the root of my question.

"So yes, they know of my Gift, or curse…but they don’t know that I saw Ambriel’s death. I can’t tell them. Nevaeh almost didn’t recover when I told her I had seen Serenity, her sister's, death. I can’t do that again. I can’t see Kael like that. Some days he almost seems normal again, I don’t want to bring up old wounds. Scars can't heal when you keep cutting.”

“Why are you telling me this?” The question slipped out and I regretted it instantly. James pulled his hand away from mine, which I realized had still been lightly laid on his as he spoke.

“No, I don’t mean that in the way you think.” I said quickly, putting my hand on his knee stubbornly, stopping him from standing. “You just aren’t the most open with me…with anyone I imagine. Why tell me these things when I know you don’t trust me, when you don’t even know me. You confuse me…and I can’t poke around in your head like I can with most people, so you’re…difficult for me to figure out.”

“Why do _you_ trust _me_? You shouldn’t.” James shot back. His eyes were back on mine, burning me.

“Then I guess we’re both making a mistake by trusting the other. I like to learn by doing though, so I’ll take my chances with you. Besides, I’ve been betrayed before, I can handle it.” I held his eyes for a moment longer before I looked away and stood. “I should get back to training.”

He sat in silence, seeming to ignore my last words. I turned to leave but stopped when I heard him speak.

“I won’t betray you.”

He was still seated on the couch, looking into the fire. He raised his eyes to mine and I could almost see him pull his cocky, amused look that served as his armor back over himself. The corner of his mouth curved before he spoke.

 “Run along now, Angel, you still have a lot of work.”

I smiled back, a soft, small smile that somehow felt different when I gave it to him. I started to walk out, but turned when I reached his door, my hand on the warm metal of the handle.

“I won’t betray you either, Lion.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Traded a merciful heart for a murderer’s brain**

**But now I curse what's in my head**

**Because I can't stop seeing red**

_Ice Nine Kills - Me, Myself and Hyde_

I was worried. Not just worried, I was troubled. Jordan didn’t make sense to me, she had obvious natural talent, more than anyone I had ever met, besides maybe Ambriel, but I hated comparing the two. Yet she kept having strange reactions I couldn’t figure out. She would stay calm when I expected a fight, she would get angry when I thought I was on safe ground, she was peaceful when she should be violent, and the mystery of her fainting at the mere sight of my blood. A Darkling with hemophobia was unheard of. And then there was the issue of the connection I felt to her. Even though I couldn’t understand her, I felt like I knew her in some way. It was worrisome. What made it worse was how much I enjoyed her presence. It was so difficult to hide, sometimes I didn’t even try, I just gave in and acted, at least mostly. Sometimes I literally didn’t know if I had the strength to ignore her, to treat her like she was just another member of the clan, just another Darkling. It was exhausting.

As soon as she left my room, I began trying to figure out what could possibly be at play here. Was she sent from an enemy? Did she have some kind of charm on her to try and destroy me, lure me in and then pull apart the clan from the inside? I hadn’t felt any marks or stains on her from a Demon or mage, but maybe I had missed something. She just didn’t make sense. And then there was the problem of her bloodline, what percentage was she if she was so strong at such an untrained state, unless she _had_ been trained, unless she was from a previous clan. But if that was true, she was certainly a good actress, a good liar.

I hadn’t seen anything of her past or even her present in any visions. It was like she wasn’t even real, or maybe they just hadn’t started yet, maybe I would see something later, once I was closer to her. But would that be too late? I felt like I was already beginning to trust her, but that was ridiculous, like she had said, I didn’t even know her. She could be a danger to the clan and my own feelings and confusion were interfering with our security, with what decision should actually be made. The heart and the mind rarely agreed, but I thought I would never have to worry about that conflict, I thought I didn’t have a heart to war with, but for once my mind wasn’t the blatant winner.

I felt like something was just at the edge of my mind, like I was only missing a couple pieces, and then I remembered something I had read in the Book of Dust, ages ago in my old life, before my clan, before everything, when I had studied it as I was a child. I grabbed the copy from my drawer, the one I kept secret from Kael and Nev, the one from before their time, and thumbed through its pages. I found the passage I was looking for and read it over; it all made sense, but was it even possible? It was so rare, so strange an event…I had never heard of someone like her, it was almost like a myth, a Fallen wives-tale…was it true? Could it even be? Life is cruel and brutish.

I slammed the book down onto the table and ran my fingers back through my hair. That’s all there really was to life. Pain and death and horrid, tough decisions, stained by blood. But it wasn’t really a decision at all, there was no choice, not really, I knew what I had to do. Jordan had to die. The only bright light in my existence, the only one I felt connected to, the only one I had _ever_ felt connected to. The only one I thought of constantly, the only one I wanted to protect, not because she was part of the clan, but because she was something more, because she was something more to _me_ , and only to me, because she was mine in a way…and yet she was a monster, she was something that had to be destroyed, and I had to do it, because only I could know.

That’s all there is in life, all there had ever been in my life at least, pain and sorrow and wishing I could change what I knew I couldn’t. Wishing I could make life different, even when I knew that fate had already decided on an ending. It didn’t matter what I did, pain and death and the blood of those close to me always found me, and often I was the one who had to cause them all. This time my pain from her blood, from her death. It only proved what I already knew, nature is red in tooth and claw and life is cruel. Life is suffering, one trial after another, one blow upon another, until you can’t stand it anymore, until you are too weak to carry one more hurt, one more torment. Until you are too weak to hold the blood inside the wound. Life isn’t truly worth anything, not the way we lived it anyways, not mine.

I lost control, only a few moments, but they were glorious. It was magnificent to let myself feel, really feel, even if the feelings were of agony and fury, hatred and misery. I hit the dark, stone walls of my room over and over until blood ran down my arms and hit the ground like crimson raindrops. Until I felt the crunches of shattered bones hitting stone and I saw glimpses of their white through the red. Until the pain shooting up my arms dulled the pain of knowing what I had to do, what was necessary in order to protect my clan, to protect what we fought for.

She was what we fought against, or at least she would be, and that meant I had to destroy her. I wondered if my connection to her would make me feel it somehow, if I would be able to feel my knife slip into her, a part of me hoped I would. It seemed only fair, even though I was sure I would go through more pain than she. She merely had to die, I had to live on knowing I had killed her, knowing I had lost her. I had to live on knowing there was someone out there for me to lose. I had convinced myself I was alone in the world, and always would be…but now, just as I discovered I wasn’t alone, that I had someone I was innately connected to, I had to tear myself away from her, from the only thing that was mine or could have been mine. Life was cruel indeed.

I sat in front of my fire, feeling its energy seep into me. I took one of Kael’s vials, healing my mangled hands in minutes, though my right still ached. I glared into the flames as they danced, cursing my Gifts, cursing my powers…and how useless they all were in the end. I still couldn’t change this, no matter how different I was from the others, I was still just a puppet of fate. What good is power if you can't protect those around you? I laid my head back, deciding when I would do it, and how, and what I would say to the others. I hated lying to them, but in the last year there seemed to be more and more circumstances where it was necessary. My lies were piling up against me, surrounding me, crushing me. It hurt each time I knew I couldn’t tell Kael the whole truth.

It was then that I felt the familiar tingle that steadily grew until it was painful needles, pulling and tearing at the seams of my mind. I didn’t fight it though, I had learned a long time ago it was impossible to win. Instead I dove into the vision and when I opened my eyes I saw a  shadowed, grey alley.

I was just past Lexington Avenue in the city. A woman, hooker by the looks of it, was walking a man back into the shadows, but I could see what she wouldn’t, I could see into the dark like she couldn’t. The man had friends waiting for her, three others, I could almost taste their filthy thoughts, almost see what they had planned. And then I really could see it. I could see her blood on the pavement as they hit her, the fear in her eyes as they took their turns, as they beat her and broke her and threw her to the next. The first man, the one with the handsome face and trustworthy smile pulled his knife across her stomach. She screamed. It sounded so terrible, so helpless and hopeless. In that moment the woman knew her death would go unnoticed, uncared for, the crime unsolved. And then the man was laughing, his friends joined in as they watched her insides spill onto the dirty concrete, mixing with the filth in the alley that would be her grave. They laughed as she tried to hold her guts inside of her. She fell and gurgled, drowning in her own terror and blood. I saw death come into her eyes then, and the men left…as if nothing had happened, as if she didn’t even matter, as if this was just another night. None of them had any remorse, any conscience, any soul. They knew they wouldn’t be caught or punished. Who cares about a street-walker anyways? Who cares about a whore? One little woman in a whole city of good, clean people.

I did. I was created to kill those with no soul and these men had none, these men were mine to take. No one deserved to die like she had, used and alone and forgotten in a dirty alley, killed by cowards who hadn’t even given her the chance to fight back, who felt like big men because they could gang up and prey on the weak without having to worry about being held responsible. They would be responsible tonight. I needed to feel their blood on me, I needed to let my Shift come, it was already clawing under my skin, trying to tear its way out. Its points digging at my humanity, shredding it inside of me. Tonight would be awful, awful and wicked and beautiful.

I went to the chest at the foot of my bed, looking over my weapons, before deciding to go with my specialty; my blades. Easy to hide from prying eyes, wickedly sharp, with no unneeded bulk. I could move and cut any way I wanted to. And the best part about them, they let me _feel_ my prey. The blades were close enough to my own hands, jutting out from just above my knuckles, that I could feel the blood pour over their edge, slip through my fingers. I loved my knives. I had modified them until they fit perfectly, were perfectly balanced, perfectly sharpened. I could punch if I retracted them, or, I could release them to make even a single blow deadly, like a dagger laying along my hand.

They let me play with my prey as much or little as I wanted simply by a small adjustment of how I held my hand. I could leave shallow cuts, or pull them up into my enemy, like a sword, and with the right speed, the right angle and force, I could slice into someone completely. I could have the whole knife in them, my entire hand, I could feel their life all around my fist, as their warm blood became cold, as their life left them. That was why my knives were my favorite, nothing else gave me the control, the options, or the experience these did. I smiled a little as I strapped the leather guards onto my wrists and forearms, a cruel little smile, preparing for blood and violence.

I changed into a dark hoodie and slid the guards up my arm to just beneath my elbows, letting the knives retract, hidden up my sleeves. My right hand still burned from earlier, but I could wait until my return to have Kael look at it. I had never been particularly good with setting bones.

Before I left the basement I went to the equipment room and grabbed a duffle bag with some necessities in it: ropes, a small amount of lighter fluid, just to make whatever fire I might happen to create look like it had come from less-than-supernatural causes. I could start a blaze on my own easily, especially if I was angry…and I was, but having a more normal explanation was always smart for the forensic team's sake. I threw some injury treatments in the bag as an afterthought, maybe I would get to the woman in time, maybe my vision had been of far enough in the future, it had looked just past sunset and it was only seven now, that gave me almost a half-hour before the sun sunk below the horizon…maybe I could make it in time.

With a new sliver of hope I jogged up the stairs, trying to look as casual as I could with my Shift threatening to rip through me with each breath I took, each bloody thought I had. I gave Kael a quick explanation of my agenda, basically just saying I was going out and would be back later, before I headed for the front door. I stepped out into the crisp air and headed straight for the garage where my bike always waited for me. And then I felt her. I silently cursed the feeling on my skin, like my Sign was dancing over me, burning me in a way that felt like pure bliss, holy fire, heaven. It had been getting stronger the more she was near me, the more our Gifts or Signs or whatever it was, touched. It was divine.

No. It was an illusion, just another trick. She was a beautiful deception, a siren. She was only a fantasy. The reality was that she was a pretty face, a pretty face with a long, dark, twisted road ahead of it and it was in everyone’s best interest to end her before she reached the destination. I would rather send her to Hell by my hand than have her walk there willingly.

I saw her on the path before I was halfway to the garage. She was sitting against a tree, looking peaceful, looking angelic. She certainly had a good ruse, but that’s all it was. A pretty exterior was sometimes blinding. She was disgusting deep down. She was a treacherous, heartless creature. All her actions, all her words, they were all lies or would be soon enough. She wasn’t what I had hoped, what I had created in my mind, that was just an idea. The real thing was sickening and vile and not worth my attention, not worth anything but the energy of taking its life. I told myself all this over and over, but I still couldn’t help but watch her. I was torturing myself and I knew it, but that was what I was good at. Maybe that’s why I didn’t fear pain, because no one could possibly hurt me more than myself.

My Shift lurched in me and I almost lost my grasp on it. I couldn’t watch her anymore. It physically hurt now, like my heart was pushing out through my chest, though that could just be my Shift, trying to kill my humanity, or me. I picked up a small twig, holding it between my thumb and middle finger, slowly putting pressure on its center with my index until it snapped, making a sharp, brittle noise. Jordan’s big, heather grey eyes flew open and I almost lost my anger for a moment, but then it was back; she was an imposter, a monster…and she had almost tricked me. I had almost not noticed, not figured her game out. How dare she try to make a fool of me, how dare she threaten my clan. I hated her. Or that's what I told myself.

_I won’t betray you either, Lion._

Her words drifted through my memory and I had to fight the need to cringe at the memory of her voice. She was like a poison in me, eating away, turning more and more of myself into her sickness. I stayed frozen by the tree I was leaning on, trying to plant myself there, to stop myself from killing her. Now wasn’t the time, I had others in mind first, once they got their punishment, then she would have hers, but not before. I might be able to save a life tonight. I could take Jordan’s another. She wouldn’t be able to stand against me for long anyways, she had talent, and raw instincts, but she couldn’t beat me. I would still relish the fight though…the last moments I’d spend with my pair.

I was in the city within fifteen minutes. My bike was perfect for situations like this, where I needed to weave between traffic, or make my own path…or ignore the posted speed signs. I doubted cops would even attempt to chase me at the speeds I reached, they probably just hoped I’d get into an accident and then they wouldn’t have to bother trying to catch me. I parked behind an old warehouse two blocks down from Lexington and the alley from my vision. I kept my ears open as I walked down the sidewalk and slowly slid my knives into place.

Just as I reached the alley’s entrance I couldn’t hold my Shift in any longer and I felt it tear through me. My eyes darkened and the world was thrown into blacks and whites and greys; it was beautiful. I felt my teeth sharpen, and my senses followed, my powers intensified, the very air crackled with it and then the bloodlust came, the insatiable need for death and pain, to hear someone beg for mercy, but I would give none tonight. They hadn’t given the woman any, even as she had pleaded with them, begged to be let go, begged for them to stop. I was early, I knew I would be with the time I had made up driving, so I melted into the shadows, waiting to see my vision begin.

Sure enough, within three minutes a man, being led by a barely dressed woman walked into the alley, the woman was leaning on him and whispering something seductively into his ear when he suddenly flung her from him, directly into the arms of his friends, who were eagerly awaiting their prize. They trapped her and I heard her begin to beg, saying she would do whatever they wanted if they would just let her live afterwards, but that’s not what the men wanted, they didn’t want compliance, they wanted force. Well force they shall have.

The first man raised his arm to deliver the christening blow, and then I was on him. I snapped his arm back easily. I heard it crack like the twig from my forest, with Jordan. Suddenly my vision changed and everything became dipped in ruby. Betrayal, anger, anguish. I couldn’t control myself, the wear of the past week was too much. The discovery of the day, the realization that I would have to destroy Jordan, with those big grey eyes and the fiery temper I loved, it all flooded me and no matter how I tried, I couldn’t fight to keep my head above the waters. I slipped under the current and let my true nature take over.

The man screamed as his arm hung at an unnatural angle, the center of his forearm broken. I pulled until I heard the satisfying pop that meant I had dislocated the rest of his arm from its socket. The way it hung made it look too long for his proportions now, mirroring the monster he was. The other men were stunned momentarily before they acted like the idiots they were and tried to attack me. Me, the creature that had just dislocated their friend’s arm and snapped the bone like a pencil, the one with eyes like shadows, teeth like a wild beast. Humans were so arrogant, thinking they could take me on. I was revenge, I was punishment, I was their death staring back at them and yet they ran to me instead of from me.

I tore into the first to approach, slicing across his arm with one knife and up his side with the other. I made sure to keep the cuts shallow though, I didn’t want to kill him just yet. My first real strike was to his face, retracting the blade to make sure it didn’t make contact with him. I heard his nose crunch and felt it sink into his face as he shrieked. My next blow crushed his cheekbone, caving it in and loosening his teeth. He buckled over, his latest mistake in the string of the night's. I brought my knee up into his jaw, the force tearing it from its hinge, only skin kept it from falling to the ground. He was almost gone now, I could see death hovering over him. I spun back and kicked the broken side of his face to finish him, dislodging his eye. The man fell into a crumpled heap, his eye hanging from his face like a grotesque Halloween mask. His body twitched once from the trauma as he died.

My little show slowed his ‘friends’ approach. I bared my teeth and they stumbled back, as if truly seeing me for the first time. I could smell their fear then, their sweat. It was delicious. I had taken only one step towards them when I heard a whimper, a small, feeble, terrified sound. I glanced at the ground before me and saw the woman, the reason I was there. She was huddled on the ground, her knees to her chest, her eyes as large as the moon, staring up at me as if I would hurt her, as if she thought she’d meet these men’s fate as well. I couldn’t Shift back though, I didn’t have the will nor desire, I was too far gone, too deeply imbedded in my nature to comfort her. Instead I growled a command.

“Go.”

She stared up at me for a second more, seeing me for the damned being I was before scrambling to her feet and running from the alley.

I turned my attention back to the two uninjured men still standing before me, half in a fighting stance, half as if they wanted to follow the woman and run away. I threw fire behind them, making it spring up closing the alley’s entrance so they couldn’t run. I would have loved a chase, to have them know what it’s like to be hunted, but it wasn’t late enough. Someone was sure to see and then things would get messy. My fire alone would probably attract attention if I wasn’t quick.

By now the one with the broken arm, the ringleader, yelled at his cohorts to kill me, just as I had hoped. One of the men reached for something and I almost smiled. Men standing behind a weapon were just that much more fun to destroy. They fall so much harder when they think they are saved, just to see that their ‘protection’ doesn’t matter, not to something like me.

It was a switchblade, serrated so deeply it was clearly meant more for show than use. I lifted one arm before me, the back of my hand facing him, showing him my weapon as my sleeve fell back. His eyes widened and I smiled.

“What are you?” The second man said, who had taken multiple steps back and was now against the wall.

“I’m an Angel. Can’t you tell?” I answered in a low voice. This was always my answer, might as well put the fear of Heaven onto the streets wherever I could, even if it was only partially true. It had its desired effect though and the man stared up at the sky as if seeing it for the first time. The other before me spat on the ground before speaking.

“It’s a trick, there aren’t Angels. Little pyrotechnics for the fire, contacts, and so what he can fight a’ight. He’s a fucking kid with some shiny toys…he’ll still squeal like a bitch when I gut him.” The man took a step forward, clearly not the bright one of the group. His god-fearing friend stayed against the wall, looking like he wished he could melt into it.

I smiled now, a vicious smile, a smile of excitement for what would come. I had special plans for the ringleader, but he was still whimpering about his arm behind me, slumped against the wall as if he might faint. He was a coward when it wasn't someone weaker than him he faced. The second man I had attacked was already dead on the pavement, his blood running where the woman’s would have, but this man, the bold, stupid one before me, he would be my amusement.

He approached and swung an easily blocked swipe with the knife, I left a small cut across the top of his hand as I flicked it away. Then he tried for a punch with his knife-less hand, I stepped to the side, my smile widening. The man swung wildly now, clearly angry at my evasions. With each punch I left a small cut, just enough to get his blood flowing, just enough to let his life barely coat my knives, to give them a taste of what was to come. Then I pulled my Sign, not the fire, just the heat. An invisible enemy is so much more frightening.

The man’s eyes filled with confusion before he comprehended what was happening. His skin started to boil, in some places it peeled from him in great slivers or bubbled up into blisters like rolling water, the smell of cooking flesh filled the alley. Then I started in, cutting deeper and deeper until the man was little more than legs and entrails hanging from a burnt torso, arms bloody stumps. I kicked him back and the force split his body, his legs falling back while his chest and arms, his ugly face, fell two or three feet further, one stubborn piece of red, wet gut connecting the two in a pitiful attempt to keep the man in a single piece. He had died long before his body hit the ground, carved up like a holiday turkey, but I had been enjoying myself too much to stop.

Now I turned to the man cowering against the wall, blood splattered on me from my previous exercise. I could feel it on my face, I could see it in my eyelashes, I could smell it as a fine mist in the air. The man’s eyes held nothing but terror as I walked towards him, slowly, stalking. A dark stain crept down his pant leg as I approached, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“What were you going to do with the woman?” I asked as I licked my lips, tasting the dead man’s blood, the salty, metallic flavor of it. “And don’t lie. I’ll know.” My voice sounded husky as I spoke, trying to stuff down as much of my Shift as I could. Slowly my vision went from reds back to the blacks and lights of a normal Shift and I felt myself regain some form of control.

“We…I mean I didn’t want to…they, they were g-going to, to…they didn’t want to pay her. I-I was just here to watch for, for…”

I held my hand up to stop the man’s blubbering.

“You’re lying. You would have partaken. I know you would have, I already saw you do it. How many times have you done this? Remember now, don’t lie.” I tapped my temple to reiterate my threat of omniscience as I looked down at him leaning back into the brick wall.

“I…we…they have a group. We…they do this every couple weeks…when their ladies are…when they need, want, a little…s-something excit…different…”

“Ah, a group. Well aren’t you lucky then. You get to live, you get to tell them a message, you get to be the sole survivor to deliver my words. You get to tell them to never look at another woman again, to never hurt anyone, ever again. Or I will come for them, and then I will come for you. So keep your ‘group’ in line, because I would enjoy nothing more than to visit you again, to hunt you down like the animal you are. Now, you stay here while I play with your friend over there. Watch carefully, because what I do to him is nothing compared to what I will do to you if you ever lay a hand on another unwilling woman again. And don’t try to leave the city, the state, the country. Distance doesn’t work like that for me. I can find you wherever you go. Remember that.”

The man made no noise and no movement, as if he was literally frozen in fear.

“Unless you don’t want to be the messenger, in which case I can just write a message in your blood on the walls. Do you prefer that?”

The man shook his head violently as he stared up at me. His lip quivered like a child’s and I found myself disgusted with his weakness, with his fear of death, of pain. He had no fear of hurting others, just of feeling himself what he forced on his victims. His guilty soul was so thick in him I could see it like a haze around him.

I turned to the man with the broken arm as he sat against the wall, looking only half-awake, in a daze of pain probably. A break like that wasn’t easy to soothe, I had made sure of it. The man looked up like a proud little boy who had been spoiled by his parents as I approached.  He had rotten spelled out all over his face.

“Ringleader. This was all your idea, wasn’t it? How about I tell you my ideas and you can choose what we do, since you like making decisions. I can either kill you in my own _special_ way, torture you a little first until you beg for death, or just leave you hanging around for the cops to find. What do you say?”

The man was glaring at me now. I raised my eyebrows, as if waiting for an answer, though I’m sure the expression was lost because of my Shift.

“Leave me for the cops.” The man said through clenched teeth, as if he was mad at me for giving him these options.

I shrugged.

“If you insist. Personally I would have chosen a swifter sentence, but you're the boss.”

I grabbed the man by his collar, hauling him to his feet, taking the length of rope from my bag and tied the man’s arms, making sure to pull his broken one back, making him scream. A beam ran between the two buildings, maybe ten feet above us, perfectly positioned for what I had planned. I secured one end of the rope to the man’s leg, just around his ankle, then I threw the rest over the beam…and pulled. The man flew up by his leg, dangling with his face only two feet above the ground. I smiled down at him before stomping. He was instantly unconscious, which was quite upsetting, I had tried to lighten the blow enough so that he wouldn’t pass out. I had wanted him awake. But this would work just as well I supposed.

I stepped back and looked to my handy work for a moment. It looked like it would hold. In a flash I fell upon the man, slicing and punching and stabbing and burning. I used him as a punching bag, like back in our training room, except he was better because he felt like the real thing, not hard leather. His body gave in to my punches in a more satisfying way, and then there was the blood. His blood covered me, covered the ground, covered everything. It was truly magnificent. I could taste it in the air, see the spray each time I dug my knives into him. I stepped back to view my handiwork and smiled. With a thought the bloody mass burst into flames.

When I was done and the man no longer resembled a man at all, I turned to the messenger, running my hand over my face to wipe some of the blood from it.

“Ready for your job?”

The man nodded fervently, practically concussing himself. But I couldn’t let him off so easily, he was just as guilty as the others and just because I had a grander use for him didn’t mean he would get to leave the alley unscathed. Lessons were more easily recalled if you lost something to gain them.

I seeped into his mind, it was always so easy with Humans. I poured into his head, making him see me dive at him, making him think I was trying to kill him. I let him wrestle the bold man’s knife from my hand. I let him think he was hacking at me, cutting me. I let him think he was winning. Then I pulled myself from his mind, letting reality fill it instead. Letting him see that I was still standing across the alley from him and that he had been fighting himself. He began to scream as he realized what he had done, what he had really done. He had stabbed into himself, stabbing and cutting at his own crotch. I smiled down at him, showing my teeth as he screamed in horror, then pain. Now he would have a real experience to share with his group.

“Go to your little group, your _club_. Tell them about me, tell them about what I can do and what you’ve seen tonight. I would hurry though, losing something that vital could kill you. You look to be down a lot of blood. Maybe go to a hospital first. You’re choice.”

I extinguished the flames that were still licking at the entrance of the alley but left the ones burning the ringleader’s corpse. I began to walk away when suddenly a flashlight shined on me; police. There were three or four of them and I didn’t want to risk taking on all of their minds at once. Instead I turned on my heel and ran for the opposite end of the alley.

I heard them yell as they took in the scene before them. They ordered me to stop, but I was near the end of the alley already. They wouldn’t catch me. I grabbed my bag as I passed it and spun around the corner, just in time to see two more cop cars turning down the street, screeching to a halt as I landed in their headlights. I made the quick decision to go for the theatrical and ran for the bridge. I could hear the men running after me, all the while yelling for me to stop. They wouldn’t catch me though. I wouldn’t even let them get close enough to get a good sketch.

I reached the bridge thirty seconds later and dove over the railing without so much as a pause. I felt the stomach-rush feeling of falling for a couple seconds before I was surrounded by icy water. The hard impact and the shock of the water sent my Shift retreating back under my skin, as if it was fleeing from the cold. I hated being cold, and I hated being wet, but the worst feeling in the world was being cold _and_ wet.


	16. Chapter 16

**Heaven's not a place that you go when you die**

**It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive**

_The Spill Canvas - The Tide_

 

I walked out of James’ room on cloud nine. That was the best conversation I had had with him, with anyone, since my time with the clan. He seemed so much more open, so much more real. I felt oddly drawn to him and even though I was beginning to understand him more, little bits and segments, he still confused me terribly at times. At least I was beginning to be able to pick up on his cues. There was something about him that was so different, but also familiar. He sometimes seemed as far from me as possible, almost inhumanly so, but then other times it was like I was sitting with someone I had known my entire life. I said things, did things, I would never imagine doing with anyone else, even with someone I had known for far longer than him. It was strange that I actually liked the people here, well, I liked Kael and James at least. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had liked people, talking with others or even being around others. Maybe I wasn’t antisocial after all, maybe I just only liked my own kind…minus the bitch ones.

I let my thoughts continue to grow in my head as I walked up to the kitchen, but as soon as I opened the door I found a shock-faced Kael sitting with the largest sandwich I had ever seen, pulling me back into the real world and out of my own mind.

The monster sandwich was hovering just out of reach of his gaping mouth, packed full of greenery and bright colored peppers and other veggies and cheeses, all of which stuck out haphazardly appearing to be planning their imminent escape. He held it frozen, suspended halfway to his opened mouth as I turned the corner. He looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, so I gave him a small smile and sat at the breakfast bar. Kael set the sandwich down as he considered me for a moment. He glanced around as he spoke, clearly wondering how to go about what he wanted to say.

“Soo, how’d that goo?” He bit at his lips as he waited for a reply, but before I could even open my mouth he spoke again. “I miight have gone down after a little while just to check on you, James can be tough on people, but you weren’t there…I saw blood on the floor…you ok?” He sounded genuinely concerned, which made me wonder what I still didn’t know about James, if even his own brother, for all intensive purposes, thought he was capable of seriously injuring a member of his clan. Despite this though, I still felt unusually happy, so I decided to play a little bit.

“It wasn’t my blood.” I said casually as I hopped off the barstool and walked over to the fridge.

“Wait, what? Who else was down there? Who else is here? Did Nevaeh go downstairs? No, I would have seen her…” His voice drifted off as he finished, as if his last sentence was meant more for himself. Again, I found it interesting that Kael hadn’t even thought of it being James’ blood. I wondered just how good James was at what he did, how perfect his skills must be when it came to the art of killing that Kael wouldn’t even consider the option that James could have been injured. I felt a small well of pride for how expert my partner must be, even though it meant Kael doubted my own abilities.

I coyly looked over my shoulder as I spoke, before absently perusing the fridge’s full shelves once more.

“It was James’ blood.”

I couldn’t see Kael’s reaction, and I didn’t want to allow myself to turn around and peek, but it sounded like he had choked for a moment after I spoke. He sputtered for a few seconds more as he regained his breath and apparently spit up whatever drink he had been sipping. I smiled into the fridge as I grabbed an apple. I turned around and took a big bite, hoping to buy myself some time before the barrage of questions began. I looked up from my apple to see Kael gawking at me, a look of pure shock mixed with awe on his face and it made me smile, which I luckily hid from him behind the apple.

“What?” I said around a mouthful of Granny Smith.

“Who the fuck _are_ you?” Kael said, the awe growing in his voice. I smiled again before taking a little nibble of the apple. I hadn’t planned on answering, but Nevaeh walked in at just the right time to make it seem like I would have.

“Oh good, you’re here. Ready?” She said, sounding like she didn’t want to be doing this any more than I did.

“Yeah, what are we doing?” I tried to make my voice as pleasant as possible, but I still couldn’t get the dark look she had worn as she stood over me during Master out of my head.

It was the strangest scenario I had ever been in, that a person who had practically tried to murder me not even a day ago, was now standing before me acting like nothing had happened. Well if she wasn’t going to bring it up, neither was I. Life was certainly different with the clan.

“I hear you’re an Air, so we’re going to work with some potential skills; whips and arrows. Any experience?” She sounded completely bored, I didn’t take it personally though, she always sounded bored. Bored or bitchy, and currently I preferred the former.

 “How’d you know I was an Air?” I thought James had just ‘discovered’ that, and I had no idea how Nev could have heard of it so quickly. She merely shrugged and I almost physically heard her thoughts.

_We had a hunch, I assuming it’s been confirmed?_

I wasn’t sure how to respond to a thought question like that, my Gift seemed to be getting stronger and I had never felt such close-to-audible thoughts before. I nodded slightly before noticing her annoyed look and remembering that she had asked me a question out loud as well.

“I’ve never shot an arrow in my life, and my whip skills are probably pretty rusty. Boys now-a-days aren’t nearly as kinky as they used to be.” I decided I might as well try and bring some humor into the sure to be catastrophic training session, knowing it would be near impossible to make the next couple hours any more awkward than they were inevitably going to be anyways. Kael let out a chuckle behind me, apparently appreciating my SM humor and even Nev seemed to attempt a small smile, but it looked pretty pitiful.

“Then let’s hope you learn fast.”

I could almost feel the dread rolling off Nevaeh, that and something that almost felt like nervousness…guilt maybe? Even though she hadn’t been particularly friendly thus far, she at least wasn’t spewing venom into my mind or muttering under her breath, so I decided to take it as a truce and nodded my understanding.

“Meet me downstairs in ten minutes. It’ll give me time to set up.” What she really meant was that I didn’t have to come down and be around her until it was absolutely necessary but I pretended my Gift hadn’t tipped me off of this.

I attempted another smile, hopefully a little more convincing than hers had been.

“Sure.”

As soon as Nevaeh’s perfect little behind sashayed around the corner and I heard the basement’s camouflaged door click shut Kael let out a big breath that almost convinced me he had been holding it the entire time Nev had been in the kitchen.

“Whew! I’ve never seen two females be so nice to each other when you know all either one of them want to do is rip the other’s head off. The tension was so heavy it would have taken a bull dozer to move that shit. James must really have charmed both of you to have you listen to his orders so well, well, charmed you, threatened her more likely. He was not pleased with her last night.”

“I’m not doing this for James. And I don’t take orders from him.” I spat without even thinking about my words and came out much harsher than necessary, but Kael didn’t seem surprised.

“You are definitely a stubborn one, and a bit of a problem with authority. I used to be the same. I’m excited to see how this plays out.” He had a silly grin on, like he was at some kind of sporting event and couldn’t wait to see how the two teams with bad blood played against each other, and who would be victorious.

“You could at least pretend to feel bad for me, since I have a couple solid hours of torture in my near future.” I joked back, trying to brighten my mood again before I descended the stairs into my own personal hell.

“I’ve never been a very good actor, if you want someone gifted in the art of pretending, go seek sympathy from James, though I doubt he’d give it. Since we’re back on the topic of James, how the hell did you get the upper hand? Did you flash him?” Kael spoke quickly, as if all in one breath until he had gotten to the end of his terrible segue and back on the topic he was curious about. It didn’t surprise me, even before he had spoken I knew he wanted to get back on the topic of my training mystery. I had felt the desire from his mind and it made it obvious that he was curious and more than a little skeptical of my earlier answers. There was a cloud of doubt in his head that I had sensed without even trying. My Gift was definitely flexing a lot lately.

“Nice transition. And no, I didn’t flash him. You’ll just have to ask him for the blow-by-blow, though with his reputation of pretending, I doubt he’ll give it.” I mimicked Kael’s deep voice at the last part and raised one eyebrow to him in a playful gesture. He took the bait.

“You gunna be like that? Damn, you’re going to keep us all on our toes, aren’t cha?” He had a playful grin on his face, but for some reason James’ smile flashed through my mind, his amused little smirk, the spark his eyes had held. I shook my head slightly, trying to shake the image out of my brain.

I saw his face a lot lately, and it was beginning to worry me. I had never daydreamed about someone before. In fact, usually if my daydreams included another person at all, it was because I was killing them, not swooning over their smile or perfect symmetry, or the line of his jaw, the scars that marred his otherwise flawless flesh, the white line that pulled my eyes down his throat, the heat and power that emanated from him, or his dark, overwhelming eyes I could look into…with a jolt of shock I realized I was doing it again and forcibly pushed James from my mind.

“I should get downstairs. Nev’ll be ready soon.”

I absently wondered what James would tell Kael when he inevitably asked him about our training incident. I doubted he would tell the whole truth, it seemed like he rarely did. As I walked down the stairs I began thinking of how much I still didn’t know about James, especially if he was some kind of master at lying and deception. A part of me felt proud though, I had always been known as being especially gifted at hiding emotions, or maybe not even having any, a master of manipulating. Some part of me was glad that James was so close to how I was, it made him feel even more oddly familiar to me.

I felt a buzz in the air as soon as I reached the bottom of the stairs and I recognized the pinpricks as being from James’ presence. I glanced around but didn’t see him in the gymnasium, my eyes were drawn to his door though, and I could feel him on the other side. The strength of my connection to him seemed to be growing stronger, like my Gift, and I could almost _physically_ feel him now, not just his thoughts or vague emotions. Currently he seemed to be working something over in his head, something he was curious about, something he really wanted to understand. I could feel his desire to solve whatever mystery he was thinking of, it burned through me as strongly as his fireplace’s heat had just a half-hour earlier. His mind was full of so much, it was daunting, even for me simply looking in as an outsider. Once again he left me in awe. No matter how hard I focused on his mind and on the feelings I was picking up though, I couldn’t get a grasp on what specifically he was thinking of, it kept slipping away, like smoke between my fingers. I let out a sigh as I walked across the floor towards Nev, giving up on trying to understand James’ mind for the moment. I couldn’t wait until Kael taught me more of my Gift, to hone and strengthen it.

Nevaeh glanced up from the bows she was working on as I approached. An uncomfortable silence passed between us as I neared and the echo of my footsteps on the hard wood floor seemed to deepen the awkwardness. I understood what Kael meant when he had said the tension had been thick in the kitchen, it seemed even heavier now that he wasn’t there to play watchdog. I decided I might as well take the plunge, she didn’t scare me and my pride wouldn’t let me be the meek one.

“Look, let’s just get this out there; I’ll play nice if you will.” I tried to sound as casual as I could, to make my statement not seem threatening, because as much as I wanted to cave her head in, some part of me felt the need to behave. Deep down I figured it was because I didn’t want to disappoint James, but I wasn’t consciously admitting that to myself just yet. I had always prided myself on the fact that I tried to please no one and listened to no one. I had always done things by myself, for myself…but now that seemed to be shifting.

“Just stay out of my way and you won’t have any trouble.” She replied in a voice that would probably be an audio clip of ‘bitch’ in the dictionary. I rolled my eyes but decided I’d keep my cool a little longer. Hopefully I could just ignore her for the rest of our session after she instructed me on how to work the archery equipment. Maybe if I got lucky she’d break a nail and leave early due to the tragedy. I smiled to myself at the thought.

“Don’t smirk, it’s ugly.” She said sharply, jolting me out of my thoughts. I was starting to see that James had been right; I spent much too much time in my head.

The next two hours went mostly as expected. The only surprising event was that I was a natural at archery, and I wasn’t horrible with the whip either. Nevaeh refused to credit any of my innate skills to my own prowess and instead said that I 'must have strong Sign qualities', but somehow even that didn’t sound like a compliment. She was irritating me more and more with her high voice and unsaid comments leaking into my head. This was one of the only times since I had learned of my Gift that I wished I didn’t have it. Even when she wasn’t directly thinking at me, her emotions and attitude were stifling. The only high point of the training was the feeling of James’ electric fire running over me the entire time. It was a constant calming pressure…and a reminder to not turn the arrows on Nevaeh. I found it odd he hadn’t blocked me yet. Maybe he didn’t know I could feel him, maybe he was so caught up in his thoughts he didn’t even notice I was there as well, or maybe he figured I’d be so busy training I wouldn’t have time to try and dig around in his head. Maybe he wanted to keep the lines of communication open in case I tried to kill Nev…which seemed likely at times. Whatever his reasoning, I appreciated it and the connection was probably the only thing keeping me so passive around Nevaeh’s toxic presence.

After I had shot the bull’s-eye out of nearly every target she put before me and wrapped the thin, metal wire of the whip around every object she pointed me at, she let me go upstairs and relax for a half-hour before I had another training session with Kael. I swiftly crossed the gym floor and jogged up the stairs, happy to get away from Nev and her snide comments. I had never felt like such a little bitch when faced with a potential conflict and I felt a mixture of disgust and pride in myself. I was sickened that I was being so placid to Nev, but I was also slightly proud for letting her comments roll off me and keeping my cool during the whole two hour hell-session.

I was relieved that Kael was no longer in the kitchen, I didn’t want to try and skirt his questions at that moment. All I wanted was to be alone, to take my half-hour and get away, get away from Nev and the constant social expectations of the house. I wasn’t used to being around people so much, to having to deal with others in such close contact and not having any time to myself to just leave and go in the woods, to get lost in my thoughts. I was beginning to see that living with the clan would leave me with very little time to be alone. I never knew you could miss yourself, but I was beginning to.

Instead of turning up the second flight of stairs to my room, I passed the stairs and went straight for the front door. I felt the urge to go out to the grounds and within minutes I found myself in the woods, surrounded by dark greens and the smell of dirt and fresh air. I found a big oak and leaned my back against it, sliding down to the forest floor. The breeze and natural sounds seemed to wash away the last two hours and I instantly felt more relaxed. I hadn’t noticed how much I had disliked the stale, trapped air of the basement until I was outside in the open again.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, trying to mentally hold the feeling and stash it away for when I’d need it later. Being alone in the peace and quiet did wonders for me and I slowly let my mind drift off, flying one way and then another, thinking of nothing and a little bit of everything. I had missed just thinking. Every time I tried to dive into my own mind that day, someone interrupted me and it was nice to not have to be ‘on’ for anyone else. I could just sit and be me, thinking and letting my mind go free.

Soon I started to daydream, I was in the city again, it was night time and I was following something, searching for something. The dark hulking figures of the buildings were sprouting up on either side of me and made me feel small, but somehow I still felt powerful. Their shadows brought me comfort and I enjoyed just walking along the familiar streets, looking for whatever it was I felt drawn to. Suddenly I saw a strange movement in the shadows of an alley up ahead, something so black it seemed to be sucking the dim street lights in, pulling all paler grey areas into itself to be swallowed up in its complete inky darkness. A moment later I was hit with the feeling of eyes on me, heavy and sinister, angry. It was so strong, so palpable, like an invisible sheet had been draped over me, hindering my movements. A small spark of panic fluttered to life deep in my stomach.

My eyes flew open as I heard a branch snap and I quickly looked around the quiet forest. James stood only five yards off, casually leaning against a tree, a broken twig in his left hand.

“You should get back inside, Kael’s waiting.” He said, a small smile playing with one side of his lips, something in between his usual cocky smirk and his predatory grin.

The air was void of the electric hum I was becoming accustomed to when he was near me, and a part of me resented him for shutting me out. He flicked the twig to the forest floor and watched it where it lay for a moment before leveling his eyes to mine again. He was standing unnaturally still again, looking like a stone statue, a strikingly handsome statue, but cold, unyielding stone nonetheless. I pushed myself up against the trunk and made for the house. He stayed frozen against the tree.

I noticed he was wearing a dark sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, one sleeve pulled down over his right hand. I had never seen him with anything more than a t-shirt on and the small duffle bag over his shoulder pulled my attention to the fact that he was going somewhere.

“You aren’t coming?” I tried to sound nonchalant, but something seemed wrong, even though I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what. The way he stood seemed wrong, the way he was watching me, even the way he held one arm against himself seemed strange, like it was bothering him, but there was something more, something else I couldn’t place, a feeling.

“Going on a little errand, that’s all.” He shrugged as if this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, but his stillness made the movement seem calculated, like he had to consciously decide to roll his shoulders in order to convey his careful act of apathy.

“A little early for bars and whores, isn’t it?” I joked as I approached the tree he was still leaned against.

His motionless stance was beginning to unnerve me, but he didn’t break it as I neared. I found myself wondering if he was even breathing, his chest hardly seemed to move. He didn’t laugh at my joke, or even acknowledge it.

“I’ll be home in time for your next training tonight.”

His voice sounded strange, and something about him was different, as if he was trying very hard to keep something hidden from me. His usual carefully calculated demeanor was amped up to let nothing out that he didn’t explicitly wish to be known and something about his behavior made my skin prick up, as if my body was reacting to something I didn’t yet consciously understand. Not even three hours ago he had been completely different but now he was acting like a stranger, cold.

As I passed I glanced over at him, his head turned ever so slightly, just enough so his eyes could track my movements, but besides that he stayed lightly leaned against the tree, stock-still. Once I had made it past him and walked for a few moments I couldn’t help it and looked back, hoping he wouldn’t catch me staring, but he was still leaned against the tree, his back to me. The deep shadows the trees cast almost made it believable that he was a statue, placed in that exact spot by his artist to scare off intruders, like a forest scarecrow.

Kael was upside down on the couch of the media room when I found him inside, his bare feet sticking up in the air over the back of the couch, his head dangling inches above the floor, hair standing on end. He righted himself with a surprisingly graceful little half-flip and motioned for me to sit with him.

“Excited? I loved learning about my powers and how to use them. It can be really frustrating to start out but it’s completely worth it in the end!” He wore his over-sized goofy grin again but I could tell he was trying to be especially nice in case the training with Nev had gone poorly. He thought my retreat to the woods meant I was upset.

“Nevaeh was fine, bitchy as usual, but nothing surprisingly evil. At least I didn’t bleed all over her this time.”

Kael’s face looked momentarily shocked, but then an easy smile appeared again.

“I see James wasn’t lying, you’re already pretty good with your Gift, well, one of them at least. But…” He raised his hand and paused in a theatrical manner. “I’m going to teach you control, to shut it off, turn it on, focus it. You’re wasting your energy by constantly drawing from it as much as you do. No wonder you nap so much.”

“Alright, you’ve got me hooked, where do we start?” I was beginning to get anxious to begin, I had always wanted some kind of supernatural power and now all that was standing in my way was time and training. It still seemed like I was living a dream, everything I had ever wished was real…was.

Kael was glancing around the room and let out a small sigh before answering. “Where, is right?”

Thoroughly confused, I looked around too, as if maybe I’d be able to find whatever it was Kael was clearly searching for.

“You have to give me some kind of clue, my Gift isn’t being very active right now and I have no idea what you’re looking for.”

His eyes stopped jumping around long enough to find mine. A thought seemed to dawn on him as a satisfied smile spread on his face.

“Where’s your favorite place. If you could be anywhere, where would it be?”

Immediately my woods back home, the place from my daydreams, appeared in my mind, vivid and beautiful, then James’ room popped into my head, but I pushed that answer away quickly. I decided to make my reply less personal and opted for just ‘the woods’.

“Really? Not the city? You seem like the city type. I was hoping for a field trip to my old stomping grounds. Oh well, woods it is. Come on.” Kael sprang off the couch and was halfway down the hall before I caught up. I opened my mouth to ask, but this time Kael was the mind-reader and answered before I had the chance to speak.

“We’re going to train in the forest. Mainly because it will help you if you’re in a setting you can relax in, but also because working with your Sign will be easier out in the open air…and I’m really sick of sitting around the house. I get stir crazy easily. Smoke?” He abruptly stopped, causing me to almost crash into him just outside the front door, and lit up an unfiltered Camel.

“Wow, I had no idea people still smoked those, or that you smoked in general for that matter.”

Kael took a deep drag and blew it up into the clear air above us before answering. “Habit I picked up back in my street days and since I figure I won’t live long enough for cancer to catch me, it doesn’t seem to matter much, now does it?”

Something about how Kael spoke of death so casually seemed strangely dark for him. He was normally the good humored, mood-lightener, but I was beginning to see that all of the clan had a darker side. They all constantly lived with death looming over them, they had all lost people to it and they all expected it to take them at any time. I suppose that took its toll on a person after a while. Kael had been a street thug and a murderer before James found him, and I still didn’t know that whole story, Nevaeh had watched her entire family be cut down and torn away from her, and James…James seemed the darkest of all. If the others accepted death, then James embraced it. Something about him, something from his past, made him love it. It was eerily similar to how I felt myself, maybe that was just the gift of our kind.

At some point during my little mental monologue Kael had held one of the short sticks out to me. I shook my head at it and he shrugged before tucking it behind his ear.

“Doesn’t it hurt your abilities, endurance and everything?” I had always heard that smoking wasn’t exactly the best for fitness purposes.

Kael chuckled a little before answering.

“I was just kidding about the cancer thing. Things don’t affect us the same as Humans, you’ll learn that when you try to get drunk next.” He pulled in another drag. “Blessing and a curse.” He said with a note of bitterness in his voice. “On the upside, I haven’t been sick for half a decade, not even the sniffles.”

He gave me a nerdy smile before flicking his cigarette to the sidewalk and stepping down on it. He spread his arms out and half-bowed, inviting me to walk towards the tree line.

“Shall we?” Smoke leaked out of his mouth as he spoke, making him look like he was burning from within. Even in his silly half-bow, he looked slightly satanic and I suddenly thought of how he must look to his enemies in a real battle, all hulking muscle, brute strength and merciless, murderous intent. I paused for a moment, picturing Kael in a fight.

“You know you can be really scary looking, right?” I said with a teasing undertone, but I wasn’t completely joking. Kael certainly struck an intimidating stance.

He straightened and shook his long, dark hair into his face, a small, sinister curve appeared at the edges of his lips.

“That’s kind of what I try for. Let outwards mirror within, as my mother always said.”

I took a deep breath and blew the hair out of his face before playfully jostling past him towards the woods and my to-be training ground. When he trotted up next to me he was smiling and any trace of him looking frightening was long gone. His unconventional look wasn’t even slightly unnerving to me. I actually found his Goth style kind of endearing.

Five minutes into the woods, Kael abruptly stopped and dropped down into an Indian style seat on the ground.

“Here’s good.”

I sat a couple feet in front of him at his prompting, waiting for instructions.

“Now, all you have to do is find your Gift. Air or your ability to poke around heads, I won’t be picky, just find either one for now. Focus on finding it, it’s already in you somewhere, but sometimes finding something you’ve always had can be tough. Just stay focused and search out your power.”

He made it sound so simple, but I didn’t even know where to start. How do you ‘search’ yourself? I spent about three minutes roving my eyes around, envisioning a scavenger hunt of my body before I got bored and started to daydream. I quickly noticed I was losing focus and pulled my mind back to the task at hand. Fifteen minutes later, and about three more times of having to reel my mind back on track, I was feeling stupid and frustrated.

“Any other hints besides ‘search’?” Kael had closed his eyes at some point during our short meditation session and I could see the remains of dark eyeliner rimming his top lids.

“Try and focus on something different about yourself. Your Gifts are changing and growing the longer you’re with your kind, so try and focus on what has changed about you since you’ve been with us maybe?” His eyes didn’t open and he spoke in a slow, even tone. And even though I was excited to train my Gifts, my curiosity of knowing what he was thinking about seemed more pressing and I found myself trying to focus on his mind instead of my own.

There was something peaceful about his still demeanor, but almost immediately my initial guess at serenity was chased away by a profound sadness. He was thinking of Ambriel, I could tell by the aching loss I felt. I felt like I was intruding on something deeply personal and I tried to focus my attention elsewhere, to leave his mind and instead focus on finding my power. I wished I had done what he’d said to begin with, instead of injecting myself into his mind and now having to back track.

Soon I felt like I was drowning in sorrow, barely keeping my head above the waves. He had loved her so much, he had found someone so like him, so in tune with him. He had been honest with her, about everything, every thought he had, every emotion, every desire; it was truly like he had lost half of himself when she died. I could feel a coiling pressure constricting my chest, the pain of knowing you are alone, truly alone, because the one you had found would never be with you again. I found myself desperately searching for an emergency off switch, a way to turn off the pain, to leave his mind so I wouldn’t have to feel his memories flooding me, suffocating me…and then suddenly, out of nowhere, there it was. Almost instinctively I knew how to shut it off and the aching pit of depression was gone.

There was nothing anymore, just my own mind. It felt oddly empty, like some part of me was missing, but then slowly, something began to surface. I felt a spark of something new yet familiar, deep in the back of my mind, something I had never noticed before was patiently waiting to be called upon. Cautiously I pulled it out and was hit by another wave of emotion from Kael, this time it was bitter sweet thoughts, joy and sorrow intertwined together. Happy memories he could never relive; a kiss, a night together, two people lying on a rooftop, staring up at the sky smoking as their fingers intertwined…

I shut it off again, not wanting to invade his memories, the only things he had left of her. I sat there for a while after that, just feeling my power, trying to become acquainted with it, or reacquainted with it, like it was an old friend. Finally I remembered that I was supposed to be training and reached out to gently touch Kael’s knee and hopefully rouse him from his painful memories in a tender fashion. His eyes flew open when my hand was inches away and I was shocked by the lack of sadness there. He looked as if he had just been peacefully sitting, not tearing himself up over a lost love.

“Yeess, my dear?” He said in a jokingly silken voice.

I had to quickly compose my face to hide my surprise before I spoke.

“I found it and shut it off, my…mind-reading-Gift-thing? I don’t exactly know what to call it.”

Now it was Kael’s turn to look shocked.

“You did it? Already?”

I gave a little smile of confirmation.

“So what’s next?”

Kael still looked shocked, his mouth hanging open slightly. For a guy who hid his mourning over Ambriel so well, he certainly couldn’t hide many other emotions.

“And again I’ll ask; who the fuck _are_ you? Just to find my power took weeks…to shut it off took two more days!” Kael was practically shouting with excitement and disbelief at this point. “You aren’t lying just so you can stop, are you? I mean shit, James said your Book of Dust training wasn’t exactly a cake walk, apparently you have the focus of a goldfish, so I thought we’d be out here for hours, multiple days, for weeks!”

I leaned back on my hands, feeling the pine needles poke into my palms and the cold dirt beneath it as I decided which statement from his rant to answer first. I decided on order of appearance.

“I’m Jordan, nice to meet you. I’m probably learning a little faster because I’m older than you were when you started, plus I’ve been unconsciously using my Gift all my life, plus, I have a better teacher.” I paused to flash an award-winning smile at him before continuing. “I’m not pretending, I really found it and I resent the goldfish comment, fish aren’t nearly as inattentive as people label them to be.”

There was a moment of silence before Kael boomed out his signature laugh and flopped onto his back. He managed to choke out "You’re something else" between his spouts of laughter.

Eventually he regained control and stood up, offering me a hand. He pulled me up with such force I thought I might become airborne. He really was impossibly strong. He steadied me and gave a quick apology before heading back towards the house.

“You’ve earned yourself a break, we’ll focus on your Sign tomorrow.”

By the time we were back to the house the sun was well below the horizon and my stomach was growling. Nevaeh was in the kitchen and whatever she was making smelled delicious. Kael solved the mystery by exclaiming “Stir-fry!” as soon as the aroma hit his nostrils.

“You’re a nerd.” She replied, but there was no bite to her voice.

“Well, you’re a bitch.” Kael said in the sweetest voice possible, a saintly smile on his face. Nev rolled her eyes, but I caught a glimpse of a small smile before she turned back to the skillet. It was weird to admit, but she didn’t look nearly as strange cooking as I had expected…she actually looked kind of a natural at it.

“You guys are back earlier than I expected, so you’ll have to wait for it to finish.”

Kael perked up at this, seeming to be bursting at the seams with the desire to talk about my speedy learning.

“Yeah, Jordan found her power today, she can shut it off too.” He turned to me. “Is it off now?” I was almost surprised to realize it was. I hadn’t even noticed its absence. I nodded at Kael’s question, giving his expectant face a small smile.

“Not surprised, she picked up on archery and working with a whip extremely quickly too. She’s talented, and her Sign’s strong.” Nevaeh started out sounding casual, like being a natural at shooting a bow the very first time was no big deal, but by the time she got to the ending complement she spoke quickly as if she wanted the words out of her mouth as soon as possible.

Kael made an overly-exaggerated shocked gasping sound and clutched at his chest dramatically, his eyes open wide.

“Nevvie, was that a complement…for…Jordan? What the deuce is going on around here? Everything’s gone to hell – Nev being nice, James losing fights, the newbie being all pro at shit. Frankly, my mind is blown.”

“Oh, shut up.” There was more sting behind this retort than the last, but it still seemed like her heart wasn’t in it.

“Is James back yet?” She asked in a voice which somehow sounded both bored and slightly irritated all at once. Nev seemed to be uniquely talented at mixing emotions I thought were incompatible.

“Nah, he shaid he wash oming back onight, sho tha robably meansh we can expect him at 11:59 or so.” Kael mumbled half his reply around a mouthful of grapes from the fruit bowl on the counter and wiped his mouth on his sleeve like a messy child. Nev gave him a look that perfectly mirrored how a mother would right before chastising a kid for talking with his mouth full before letting out a resigned sigh and stirring the food instead.

“He said he’d be back in time for my training tonight, whenever that is.” I debated telling the rest of what I wanted to say, and finally decided it couldn’t hurt.“Something was off about him though, like he was upset. He just seemed odd.” What I didn’t say was that he had seemed cold, which surprised me considering his actions lately had almost been begrudgingly friendly, like I was growing on him without his consent.

Nev almost visibly tensed at my mention of James and even without my Gift’s aid I felt her jealousy rolling towards me from across the kitchen. Her words during Master which I had almost forgotten crept into my head. _James is mine_. Her harsh reply broke me from my thoughts.

“I think we’d know better than you how he’s feeling, you know, since we actually _know_ him.”

Kael cut in at Nev’s nasty tone to prevent me from answering similarly.

“He’s always moody. I’d only be worried if he was in a good mood, now _that’s_ out of character.” Kael attempted a chuckle, but when neither Nevaeh nor I joined, he stopped and kept talking.

"If it was something big, he’d let us in on it. He might be captain of the ship, so to speak, but he does fine on his own as well. He was fine before he met us and he probably just wanted to get away for a little while. We all need to be alone sometimes.”

“Like when you ran off to the woods this afternoon.” Nevaeh’s honey tone was so innocent it was clearly meant to be mocking and I shot a glare at her back I hoped she’d be able to feel.

“I just needed a little fresh air, that’s all.” I replied through clenched teeth, working hard to not jump at her.

“Well, you don’t see me running off to the bathtub every time I’m stressed, now do you?” She replied sweetly.

“I guess my connection to my Sign is just stronger than your-“

“Ookayy!” Kael clapped his hands together as he raised his voice over my unfinished insult, sounding more than a little uneasy. Nev was now turned towards me, her eyes angry slits of emerald in her cinnamon face.

“Really wishing James was here right about now…or a referee.” Kael continued in a semi-sing-song cadence trying to fill the silence of the kitchen with any noise he could think of to prevent us from speaking any more.

“Your wish is my command.” Came a smooth, deep voice from behind us. I turned to see James standing in the hallway, mud caked on his shoes and halfway up his calves, his hood pulled up to hide the majority of his face. He dropped the duffle bag from off his shoulder and pulled the sweatshirt up over his head, showing a sliver of skin as his shirt stuck to it. I made sure to tear my eyes away before he caught me admiring him. He dropped the sweatshirt with a wet squish on his discarded bag before shaking his hair out, spraying water in a large arc around the kitchen and hall. It made him look surprisingly dog-like. Nev leaned over the food to shield it from the water droplets and gave James a dagger-filled glare.

“Raining out?” Kael asked in a chipper tone as if the tense thirty seconds before James’ appearance had never happened.

James let out a low, breathy laugh as if he was cold as he pushed his hair back.

“Not quite.” His answer gave the distinct feeling that his evening had been interesting, but he didn’t seem like he was planning to extrapolate.

Even with James’ cryptic answer, Kael groaned as if he had said more in those two words than any of the rest of us had understood.

“You didn’t end up in the lake again, man, did you? That shit’s gross.”

James acted playfully offended as he answered. “Why of course not. I only had to do that once to learn my lesson. No…it was a river this time.” A smirk spread on his face, as if he knew Kael would enjoy this piece of information.

“Dude, how do you always end up in some massive body of water every time you go off on one of your damn, crazy adventures?” Kael sounded scolding, but his face was painted with brotherly teasing.

“No one ever expects it, it surprises people and therefore,” James gave a little flourish of his arms and mock-bowed as if introducing something grand, “it is my get-away of choice.” His smile was all fox as he came up from his half-bow, his dark lashes framing his mischievous eyes.

“Who were you running from?” I asked without even consciously deciding to.

James turned his dark eyes on me and I felt a little shiver run up my spine. Something was different.

“The whores, of course.” His voice sounded blatantly flirtatious and it left me so surprised I wasn’t able to think up a clever reply. Something was completely different, his smooth flirtatious manner seemed dangerous, like a trap set to lure someone to their end. Luckily, before the silence dragged on too long making me look slow, James’ face took on an interested look and my feelings of being his prey diminished slightly.

“You learned to shut off your Gift? Impressive. I guess you aren’t a total failure as a teacher.” James said to Kael in a joking tone.

“Oh come on man, I’m a great teacher, I taught Amb everything she knew.” Kael’s demeanor didn’t change at all when he mentioned Ambriel: his voice was steady, his movements just as easy going and calm as ever, even his eyes didn’t show a hint of pain. He was so composed I almost believed that he was at peace with her passing, but then I remembered the well of overwhelming depression I had felt earlier emanating from his mind. I wondered how much of his happy outward behavior was merely an act, a coping mechanism like ‘fake it ‘til you make it’, as my parents had always quoted at me when I was in a sour mood.

Kael’s controlled actions meant nothing more than the fact that he was as good at hiding his inner workings as James or myself…maybe even better. I was at least beginning to be able to see the cues in James that sometimes pointed me in the right direction, like the muscle in his jaw that jumped when he was working at controlling his emotions, or when his hand would tighten ever so slightly at his side as he flexed it, as if aching to hit something, or when his eyes would momentarily show more than he wanted to share...

I almost physically shook myself out of my imaginations of James. What was wrong with me? I was appalled that I was acting like some lovesick school girl dreaming of her crush. I was suddenly overwhelmed with relief that I was the only one with my particular Gift. I would be mortified if someone was in my head and saw my pathetic daydreams of James. I rejoined the conversation in time to hear Kael praising my achievements from the day.

“She learned archery so well that even Nev threw her a bone and then she found and shut her Gift off in thirty minutes tops, so the fact that the Dust session was so unsuccessful points to _you_ being the shitty teacher.” Kael raised his hands as if he was resting his case. “I’m just saying, she did fine with us, so you’re the only constant variable of her sucking…just saying.” He ended with a satisfied smile, as if he knew he had made his point effectively.

“Yeah, what’s up with calling me a goldfish?” I was trying for an irritated tone, but it came out teasing and playful and I mentally kicked myself for sounding so pleasant. I really had to get a handle on my little crush.

“Well, you did suck at the book practice.” He replied in a completely unapologetic tone, standing behind his comment. “I’m glad you picked up on shutting off your Gift so quickly though. Now you can stay out of my head, I was getting really tired of that.” He leaned forward into me as he spoke, clearly invading my personal space and trying to get me to step back.

I quickly flipped the switch in my mind and focused all my energy on looking cool and composed as I prepared for the wave of fiery electricity that would hit me.

“You mean this?”

An amused curve played with the corners of James’ lips but the emotion I pulled from him broke my concentration and I took a small half-step back, confusion on my face.

His face changed into an unhappy mask as soon as I reacted and my Gift was quickly blocked, a cold, hard wall hastily thrown up from his direction. He had his jaw tightened, the telltale muscle standing out in a strong line as if he were concentrating very hard at keeping his block in place. I closed the connection and felt the empty feeling again that meant my Gift was dormant.

“You felt something?” He sounded genuinely surprised.

My confusion swiftly turned to anger, how long had he had these feelings and simply been able to hide them. Suddenly I realized why he was surprised, my Gift must have slipped past the wall he normally used. I must be getting stronger without even knowing it and he hadn’t known it either, until it was too late and I had already felt all that I needed to.

“You can stop blocking me, it’s gone.” My voice sounded harsh, bitter, but that didn’t surprise me. James held my glare for a moment with a hard look before I turned back to the rest of the kitchen.

Nev and Kael were both watching, clearly surprised by how quickly our playful act had turned into something serious and probably confused by what had suddenly changed to make me behave this way. They obviously weren’t used to seeing someone act in such a way to their leader, but I couldn’t help it, he was so cryptic, so hidden and I had been stupid enough to think I was beginning to understand him, that we were somehow becoming close. But what I had felt pouring out of him was anything but friendly, it wasn’t like the growing feelings of trust and familiarity I had for him. I had felt a deep suspicion, disappointment…betrayal…disgust? And anger, a heavy, burning, consuming anger under laced with a cold, murderous determination that actually frightened me. I had never imagined the possibility that he could have such dark, hate-filled feelings for me. That he planned to kill me.

There had been so many glimpses of James that seemed to point to him caring about me, or at least not being the terrible person he tried to make himself out to be. I had been holding onto the hope that he wasn’t a monster and I had been so focused on finding the good in him: his playful smirk, the sparkle in his eyes when he was happy even if his mouth didn’t show it, his open, honest words earlier that day, his concern when I had been injured, his brotherly affection for Kael. So many flashes of him being good had been stored in my mind I had ignored all of the glaring contradictions that showed him for what he really was; just like me.

There was nothing good in him. It was all just an act to manipulate and trick others. He was like a psychopath who had learned to mimic others’ emotions to lull them into thinking he was normal, that he was safe, but I had gotten a peek of who he really was. I had seen under his mask, and now I knew what hid below.


	17. Chapter 17

**A death in me is a death in you.**

_Like Moths the Flames - The Blackout_

 

The tense silence dragged on in the kitchen for an unbearably long time, but I hardly even noticed. I had never felt so much fury and betrayal. I had never felt this kind of anger. My usual anger led to violence or trying to force the terrible, gory thoughts from my mind, but this…this was different. This anger stemmed from pain, a deep hurt of being tricked. I had thought James was real with me, I could have sworn he was, but I had been wrong. I had been so open to this new life, so ready for change. I had been growing too trusting and soft. My silly little crush on a man I didn’t even know had taken me by such surprise, I hadn’t realized what it had done to me. I was disgusted with myself and that just added to my anger. I made a silent vow to not fall prey to my emotions ever again, I would be untouchable. I would be strong. I would learn all I could from the clan, improve and hone my powers and then I would leave. Go on my own, that’s how I was meant to be anyways. I had learned a long time ago that attachments were weaknesses. Others would either turn on you or be used against you. I was better off on my own.

            “I think we have some things to discuss, Jordan.” James finally broke the silence. My name sounded foreign on his lips. His words were persuasive, but his eyes were cold and something deeper in his voice set off an alarm in my mind. The memory of his violent thoughts and the determination that anchored them pulled at my mind but I refused to be afraid. If death awaited me in my future before I learned enough to leave the clan, I wouldn’t die a coward. I would rather burn out in an act of defiance than fade away with a whimper.

“Actually, I think you’ve made yourself pretty clear, if by accident. Too bad I had to discover it on my own since you’re too much of a _coward_ to come at me in a straightforward way. But hey, to each their own. Forgive me if I don’t want to give you the opportunity to lie to me further.” I tried to place as much venom into each word as was possible before I turned to Kael.

“When do I train next?” It was difficult to make my voice pleasant, but I tried to remember that I had never felt hatred or death-threats leak from Kael’s mind at me. He wasn’t the wolf, James was.

“Nine.” Kael answered shortly, his eyes wide with disbelief at what was unfolding before him. He and Nev were both frozen in place. The sound of dinner sizzling the only noise breaking the silence.

“Perfect, I’ll be back by then.”

I turned towards the door when I felt a strong hand close around my upper arm, I spun so quickly he didn’t even have the edge of a second to react. My fist made solid contact with James’ cheek and I felt his face swing to the side with the force of the blow. I heard Nevaeh let out a small noise of surprise, but I kept my eyes on James. He stayed half-turned from me, one hand steadying himself on the island in the center of the kitchen. He slowly raised his eyes to mine, a small line of blood filling the crease at the corner of his mouth, he wiped at it with the back of the hand that had grabbed me a moment earlier, smearing it slightly. The sight of it began to twist my stomach, but I ordered the feeling away. James didn’t deserve my sympathy, not anymore.

“Now that was a mistake, Angel.” His voice sounded almost playful, but the threat was apparent. His words promised consequences, but I didn’t care. I knew I would lose in a fight, it was silly of me to even think I could possibly fend off James, but I didn’t care anymore. My plan of staying and training I had harbored moments earlier felt like a distant dream. If James was going to make his move, it would be tonight, I knew it.

“Then why don’t you make me regret it.” The words hissed through my clenched jaw before I turned to the door once more.

I stomped down the porch and across the grass, halfway through the yard I broke into a run. My feet pounded the ground as I gained momentum. I felt like I was flying through the woods and I let my anger fuel my speed. It was dark out now, but I was glad for the night’s shadowed presence. The woods flew by me in a blur of brown, black and shaded greens but somehow I wasn’t comforted like I normally was in the forest. Thoughts of James kept creeping in my head but I beat them out as best I could. Despite my best efforts, his words echoed through my mind and the burning emotions I had glimpsed before he had shut me out still scorched me and boiled my insides. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I collapsed against the foot of an old tree, which had long ago relinquished its leaves.

A sob escaped my throat before I even realized I was fighting tears. I hadn’t cried for years and now the burning feeling behind my eyes felt alien. I leaned my head back against the bark and closed my eyes, sealing in the rain that was trying to escape. I felt the cold trail as one sole tear ran down my cheek, but none followed. A whirlwind of thoughts circled around in my mind, all of which contained James, all of which deepened the pit of tearing, raw agony in my chest.

The longer I sat there, allowing the gravity of the night’s events to sink in, the more my anger slowly turned to grief. The grief of losing the future I thought I had with the clan, the pain of realizing everything was ruined and even the ache of losing James, or at least what I had thought James was. The fact that I would most likely die that night hardly even seemed to matter.

I felt my nails dig into my palms as I balled my hands into fists, forcing my sorrow and pity down. I wouldn’t give up. I would fight until I had nothing left, and if by some miracle, James’ thoughts had lied, or he changed his mind and decided to let me live, then I would learn about my powers and heritage on my own. I didn’t need the clan. I wouldn’t go down as a coward, as weak, as some sort of pet of the clan. Slowly I pushed myself up from the tree, I still had my knife on me and I opened it as I steeled my resolve. The feeling of its familiar handle pressing against my palm made me feel slightly better. The blade reflected in the moonlight and its thin edge comforted me like a friend’s smile. I flipped it over my knuckles a few times, relishing the consistency of its weight.

“Nice trick, ready to apologize yet?”

I looked up from the blade at the sound of James’ smooth voice. He stood ten yards off, in the t-shirt and damp jeans from the kitchen. Blue and white wisps licked up and down his arms at his sides and it took me a second to realize what they were…flames. Thin wires of it flipped and fell over his forearms and jumped between his fingers. So this was his Sign, his fire. I could hear the air sizzling and crackling with his power, but I refused to show fear.

“Apologize to my murderer? To the one pretending to be my friend, all the while planning my death? I don’t owe you anything. I trusted you and you betrayed me. So go ahead, kill me.”

In my mix of emotions I threw my weapon down, realizing that despite my pep talk to myself I didn’t actually want to fight James. No matter how I denied it, no matter how much I loathed the idea of dying without a fight, of being weak, I cared for James and even if his actions had been fake, a lie, that didn’t mean mine had to be.

“I won’t give you the satisfaction of a fight. I won’t give you the justification of being able to say you were defending yourself, or that I was trying to escape. No, you’ll have to kill me in the cowardly way you had planned; murdering someone defenseless who won’t fight back, who doesn’t have a reason to. Someone who trusted you.” I raised my arms out to my sides in a final show of my lack of resistance.

James stalked forward until I was within his reach. Just as I had expected, his arm shot out and I felt his hand close around my throat.

“Your trick isn’t going to work, playing the martyr like some kind of victim.” He spat the words as he shoved me back, until I was pinned against the tree. The wrath in his voice was almost enough to shake my resolve.

“You’re act is all very good, but I know what you’ll do, I’ve seen what you’re capable of and I’m going to stop you before your nature wins. You’re not one of us, you never will be, you never even could have been, you’re soulless and I won’t let you live to do all the things you will try to.”

As James’ words sunk in I began to feel the cold quicksand of self-loathing pull me down. He had seen a vision of me? He saw me go dark? Become the very thing I had planned on using my life to kill? I hadn’t felt this way since before the clan, the certainty that I was something evil, something wrong, but now, having proof I really was a monster, even among monsters, all the anger I felt for James was extinguished, leaving behind an unbearable pain. James must have seen the change in my face because his grip loosened a degree or two.

“Kill me then. If I’m a monster, you’ll be doing me a favor. Just tell me, how long have you known? When did you have the vision? Today when you were out? Or did you already known when you found me in the woods? How long have you been keeping this from me? How long have you been lying?”

I felt my eyes burn again, but I didn’t care anymore. What did it matter if I looked weak now? I was a monster, a thing of evil that shouldn’t have ever been on the Earth to begin with. I had been kidding myself my whole life trying to pretend I was good or could be good, when in truth I wasn’t capable of anything but horror and hate and destruction. I was soulless, like James had said…corrupt beyond saving.

“You get no last request!” James roared in my face. He heaved me towards him before throwing me against the tree I had been pressed against earlier. The force from his throw left my mind swimming and I dropped to my hands and knees in front of him.

“Then just do it, don’t torture me any longer by making me live, just end it and be done. I haven’t hurt anyone yet, so there’s no reason to draw this out.”

I looked up at him and somehow the sight of him, even in his rage, brought a slight smile to my lips. The moonlight caught his hair and he seemed to belong in its light, he looked truly divine, like a god of the night.

“Why are you smiling?” His voice was a mixture between confusion and irritation. I debated lying, but what was the point? If these were to be the last words from my lips, they might as well be true.

“I just can’t think of a better last sight than you.” I sounded like I was stating a fact, and in a way I was. James was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and if this was when my end was, at least I would see beauty like his before my eyes closed forever.

The corners of James’ lips twitched down into an involuntary frown for a second before his face was a mask of dark anger once more. In one fluid movement he bent, picked up my blade from the dirt and leaves and held it out to me, handle first.

“Here’s your final mercy. Take your own life to stop your own actions, to save the world from yourself. At least in your death you can redeem yourself of the horror you would have become. And I won’t have to remember you as a monster.”

There seemed to be more behind James’ words than he had wished, but I didn’t care to try and decode him anymore, what was the point? I took the knife.

I couldn’t count how many times I had considered taking my own life, but now I knew I was really going to. I had always wondered if I was a villain or a hero, and now I knew. The realization that I finally figured out who I was, and that I was doing something about it somehow calmed me and I raised the edge of the knife to my neck. I had thought of every possible means of suicide on a multitude of occasions and cutting my throat had always appealed to me for some reason, probably because of my fascination with blood.

I held James eyes as I pressed the knife slightly into my skin. The pain was white hot, but seeing him standing over me gave me a peace that overcame the pain and I felt a smile pull at my lips again. I met James dark eyes and something seemed to change in them, but I was tired of trying to figure him out. I realized I was tired of fighting my nature too, of pretending I was good, of tearing myself to shreds to try and be something I could never be. In one fast jerk I pulled the razor edge across my neck. There was one moment in which I felt hot blood pour over my hand and down my chest, into my throat and down to my lungs…then I closed my eyes, trying to burn James’ face into my mind as I waited for everything to fade away.

I heard a strange rhythm and the warmth of my blood didn’t turn into the icy breath of death like I had expected, maybe dying wouldn’t be so unpleasant. Maybe it wouldn’t actually be cold. What seemed like a lifetime crawled by and I realized I was still breathing and an odd feeling was moving through my neck, like a soft pull. I opened my eyes to find James over me, the rhythm slowly becoming words and I realized he was saving me, chanting Angel names as his hands covered my neck. He had blood flowing from his wrist onto my throat, like he had cut himself and I almost lost consciousness just from the sight of his river of crimson. I could feel my skin pulling and stitching itself back together and somehow it didn’t seem unnatural. I didn’t remember falling, but I was on my back, the stars painting the dark sky behind James’s golden hair, the midnight blue of the expanse behind him matched his eyes perfectly. His damp hair fell in his face as he leaned over me and I wished I could pull the strength to push it back but my arms felt as heavy as iron.

Gradually my mind cleared and I remember why I was there and what had happened.

“No.” I tried to cry, but it came as a mumbled whisper instead. “Stop. Let me...” I managed to pull the words out, but James didn’t seem to hear me.

The knife was still in my hand and I tried to raise it again to its destination, but James shifted his eyes to mine and I felt his presence immediately. I gasped in a wet, painful breath as his power touched mine which must have opened and turned on at some point during my death. My gasp sounded like a moan and I knew it, but I didn’t care. The fire on my skin was an inferno compared to our usual encounters and I felt myself flush, which surprised me, considering most of my body’s blood was now either on my chest or the browning leaves that surrounded us.

S _tay still, Angel_.

His voice drifted through my mind and the gentleness of it was mirrored in James’ eyes as he continued his healing words. I was so confused, I wanted to know why he was saving me, why he was letting a demon like me live, why he was using all the tenderness of someone who cared, but all I could muster was a weak ‘Why?’

 _I was wrong_.

His words filled my head and it took me a moment to comprehend them. I could feel myself gaining strength and the electricity I was pulling from James gave me enough power to lay my hand on his over my neck. His skin sent a tingle of power up my arm. His eyes looked darker than usual and I felt the air sizzle around us. I tried one last time to pull his hand from my neck and it finally seemed like I had gotten through to him as he paused.

“Will you please stop being so damn stubborn and just let me heal you? I'm not very good at this and I need to focus. I’ll explain after.”

I let my hand drop from his and instead focused on the sky above us and the branches trying to blot it out.

It was a clear evening, with no clouds to hold in the day’s heat. I shivered as I noticed the chill from the ground I was laying on. James moved one hand from my neck to my stomach, the hand without the cut, and immediately warmth spread through my core, extending out until it radiated through my arms and legs. A moment later the tingling in my neck subsided and James carefully removed his bloody hand from my throat, the deep red liquid dripping from his hand sent a jolt of panic through me, again, but I quickly stuffed it down. He shook his hand to rid the excess blood as if it annoyed him, before wrapping his fingers around his wrist to slow the still-rapid flow.

“That’s the best I can do, I never was very good at healing. If Kael was here…” His words drifted off into the still night air. The fog of my mind was still too heavy to formulate an appropriate reply.

“You’ll have a scar…and it might be sore for a little while…but there doesn’t seem to be any deeper damage.” As if his words gave permission to the pain, a raw burn began to grow in a thin line across my throat. I felt where the self-inflicted wound should have been with half-numb fingers and sure enough I felt a slightly raised wire of smooth skin run across the center of my neck. It felt smaller than I had expected, like I had been cut with a hair-thin razor, not my thick knife.

I stared up at the sky again, trying to arrange my thoughts.

“Missed me that quickly?” I attempted a small smile but the pain when I tried to swallow made it more of a wince. James let out a short breath that might have been a try for a laugh, but his face was still serious.

“You changed my mind. You changed my vision.” There was something in his eyes that seemed different, but I couldn’t even begin to place it.

“So now I’m suddenly not a lost cause? What did you see? Both times.” I tried to sound determined, but my breath still didn’t seem to flow correctly, as if my lungs knew I shouldn’t be alive and were resisting my second life with a vengeance.

James gave a slight smile before answering.

“I’ve learned many things from my Gift…one of them is that the future is better left unknown. I’ve rarely seen someone react positively to knowing their path, but I can tell you that you’re loyal to us, and you will always be fighting to be good. That’s all I can ask. That’s all any of us can do.” He sounded genuine, but it was still difficult for me to believe that all my worries and fears could disappear just like that.

“Well, I see you’ve perfected the fortune-teller's non-answer. Congratulations.” I said the words sarcastically, but I couldn’t help a smile from painting my face.

“Keep smiling, Angel. If you want a hint at your future, here it is; you’ll have a hard life with us, but if you keep that smile, it might help.”

James lifted his hand from my waist, the one that had been allowing his power and heat to flow through me and began to pull it back, but then he paused and gently wiped my cheek instead, exactly where I remembered my tear had run, as if he could still see it. There was a moment where something passed over his eyes, something soft and gentle, more so than I had ever seen before, but then he stiffened slightly and it was gone. In a swift, graceful movement he stood, extending an arm to help me up.

“Are you complementing my smile?” I teased as I grabbed his arm, allowing him to haul me up. The pain in my neck was dramatically less than moments earlier and I was surprised by how normal I felt, even a little energized. I guessed James had slipped an extra Angel name or two into his heal to give my strength.

James had an entertained look on his face as he replied.

“What, I bring you back from near-death a couple times and suddenly you get a big head?”

“Coming from Mr. Humble over here.” We started slowly walking back towards the house and somehow all the emotion and pain of the last half-hour didn’t seem real. It was the past and that’s all the mattered.

“Arrogance, just one of my many services.” James joked back, sounding like his usual self.

“Are your other services similar to the ones your whore friends provide?” I slid him a sideways glance and the corner of his lips curved up into a slight smirk.

“Why, you interested? Apparently you like how I look quite a lot.”

I couldn’t decide if the heat in my cheeks was from his flirtatious tone or the embarrassment from him bringing up my confession of his beauty when I thought I was about to die, but either way I was glad the trees kept my face out of the moon’s light for most of our walk.

“And you say _I_ have the big head?”

I reached over and pushed his shoulder, until he dodged away and batted at my hand playfully. We walked in silence for a couple minutes, but it was a comfortable silence. The alone time was too good to pass up though and I spoke after a little while.

“So what were you doing out tonight, really? Care to share the truth this time?”

James let out a sigh that seemed more for the exaggerated effect rather than any real need before replying.

“If you must know, I saw some things going on in the city tonight…I decided to stop them from happening. My visions have been fairly active lately.” He shook his hair out, as if remembering his run in with the river. “Unfortunately I came into more attention than I had anticipated. My river-escape wasn’t exactly part of the plan. I don’t like being cold and wet, so swimming in autumn isn’t really my thing.”

“Understandable.” I replied, since I had always preferred being too hot over too cold. “But I still don’t get why the all-mighty James would need an escape plan anyways. Who were you possibly being chased by that you couldn’t fight?”

James slid me a sheepish look, or as sheepish a look as a lion could give.

“Police.”

I gave him a look that was a mixture of shock and accusation before he continued.

“I told you I had some unwanted attention and I figured jumping off a bridge was the easiest way to avoid an altercation or risk them seeing anything too unexplainable. I kept my hood up, so I doubt they got a good look at me. They probably think the fall killed me and will be dragging downriver for a body for days.” His face had mischief on it again, as if the thought of numerous cops wading through muddy, cold water searching for a nonexistent body was an enjoyable image to him.

I smiled and shook my head at him.

“Every night’s an adventure.” I said under my breath.

James gave me a playful shove which I returned. How we could possibly go from murdering each other to joking around like old friends was beyond my wildest dreams. It was strange how everything changed completely in the matter of minutes, but I couldn’t find it in myself to be angry or even hurt. If James had truly thought I was going to go bad, then I should be grateful he was willing to kill me, to stop me from becoming something I would hate. And now that his vision had changed, now that I still had some sliver of hope, our fight hardly seemed worth noting, just a misunderstanding, just a small blip. It was strange, but everything seemed better than before, like everything was finally making sense and going good…almost too good. My stomach turned as a horrible thought crossed my mind. What if this was all an act, what if James still had some plan in mind…I stopped walking and James turned after noticing I wasn’t with him anymore.

“Let me in your mind.” I tried to not sound as suspicious as I suddenly felt. I refused to show my guilt at the request either, if he truly had nothing to hide, then he shouldn’t have any problem with letting me in.

“You don’t trust me?” He said evenly, his eyes on mine.

“Can you blame me?”

“I guess not.”

I felt the familiar burning, heavenly sensation as he lowered his block.

“But.” he said slowly, raising a hand as if to stop my Gift from advancing. “Stay out of my past, my memories. Anything that doesn’t have to do with my intentions towards you as a member of this clan is off limits. Understood?” He sounded stern and I nodded my agreement, even though I had no idea how to access past experiences or memories anyways, except for when I had been in Kael’s mind as he thought of Ambriel, but I assumed that only worked if the person was actively thinking of their past.

I tried to focus my thoughts on James’ mind, like I had when I wanted to know what Kael was thinking of earlier that afternoon. Part of me was still afraid I would find hate and anger, but instead a calm wave covered me. The emotions I pulled were welcoming and protective, something similar to admiration even. There was a tense suspicion beneath it all, and a wariness I found a little hurtful, but it wasn’t anything beyond what one would expect of a new acquaintance.

“You don’t trust me?” I echoed his earlier statement.

“Can you blame me?” He replied in suit.

I gave a short laugh at the scriptedness. “Guess not.”

I turned my attention back into his mind. There was an almost unconscious focus on something I couldn’t quite grasp and a deep care, loyalty and protection to the clan as a whole. I was surprised to find that I was included in this, in a much stronger sense than I had expected, almost like I was a friend.

“You like me.” I said with a satisfied smirk.

“You’re alright.” James smiled a little and glanced to the ground in a way that would have looked bashful if anyone else had done it.

“Wrap it up now, Angel, you’re giving me a headache.” He said with a half-chuckle.

I grinned before delving back in.

There was something I hadn’t noticed before, but it was like looking through dirty, clouded glass, just out of focus. Whatever it was, it was dark and ran deep. Something about a man, a darkness, a hatred and…blood. A woman lay motionless in a great pool of it. It stained the polished floor beneath her in waves of crimson. My nightmare flooded back to me and I pulled back from his mind, trying to rid the memory from my own. The idea that his thoughts had somehow influenced my dreams came to me, but I didn’t know if that was even possible, if partners could share memories or aspects of memories. If we could share nightmares.

“What did you see?” James asked in a truly surprised tone, which I actually believed meant he was shocked I had found something that would make me react in such a way. It made me feel guilty for breaking into his private thoughts and feelings.

“I just got a little off track, that’s all. I’m good though, I’ve seen enough.” I paused, wondering if my next words were really true. “I trust you…mostly.” I spoke with a smile.

James didn’t return the smile and I knew why.

“Off track? How far off track? What exactly did you find?” He managed to sound both suspicious and disappointed and I felt my face fall.

“I’m not very good with my control yet…I saw…or felt…or whatever it is I can do…” I paused, frustrated with how this was going, for some reason I was nervous, and not just because I had invaded James’ private thoughts. I shook myself out of my childish crush once more and decided to restart.

“There was a man, you hate him, he’s evil…and then there was blood, lots of it…there was a woman too, it was her blood…was it Ambriel?” It dawned on me that it must be her, everything came together as I voiced my realization. “The man, he’s Ambriel’s killer, the murderer from the city, the one you’re hunting, isn’t he?”

James had a slight line on his brow and I could tell he was bothered by something so I continued.

“I’ve seen him too. I dreamt of him, or I think it was him. I don’t know how, they just…I just think they’re the same. He’s even been in my dreams when I’m awake. I finally saw him last time, he’s been watching me and I followed him and, there was so much blood.” I realized I was rambling and glanced to James. He stood perfectly, eerily still, his face set in determined lines, his only movement was a muscle in his jaw as it tensed, loosened and tensed again.

“Go on.” He said in a low, controlled voice, but his eyes flashed with dark intentions. Luckily I could tell they weren’t aimed at me or the mere sight of him might have frozen the blood in my veins.

“It sounds stupid, but you know how dreams never make sense, so just bear with me.” I stopped until he gave a curt nod, acknowledging my request.

“The blood was like a quicksand and it pulled me down, it was suffocating me and I was about to faint when…-” I shook my head slightly trying to remember how I had woken from my unconsciousness- “something hurt me and it made me come to I guess…that’s when I saw him. He was standing a little ways off, tall with black hair and dark pants, he was…he was handsome. I don’t know if he saw me, but he just turned and walked away. He laughed too, an evil laugh…that’s all I remember.” I decided to leave out the part about me whispering James’ name with my last breath since I figured it wasn’t crucial for him to know.

James stood with a serious face, clearly stitching my story with his own memories and it was many seconds before he spoke.

“Where were you, in this dream?”

Even though his question was simple, I hesitated. I still felt oddly protective of my woods back home, and telling someone about the one place in the world I considered solely mine seemed somehow wrong.

“I was in the woods.” I replied, deciding if there was a true need for him to know the exact location, I’d tell it, but as far as I could tell, he was just gathering details, nothing concrete. “I saw feathers too, dark ones…in the blood.”

James seemed to have heard enough and ran his fingers through his golden hair as he let out a frustrated breath.

“I was worried about that. I had my suspicions about the killer being a full-blood Fallen, but I hoped for only a Halfling. If you’re having prophecies of bloody feathers though, it’s probably a sign of Angel nature.”

“Wait, prophecy? Maybe it was just a dream and it doesn’t mean anything.” The thought of having some kind of prophetic power seemed completely unreal but James gave me a look that clearly said he wasn’t convinced.

“Do _you_ think it was just a dream?” He asked evenly. Immediately ‘no’ flew through my mind, but I decided on a more conservative answer.

“I don’t know, maybe.” I replied in the most causal voice I could muster. James cocked his head to the side as if to say ‘really?’ but spoke before I could reply.

“You’re the one that said Ambriel’s killer is the person you saw, the one who’s been watching you. I don’t believe in coincidences.” He said as he leaned back on a tree and crossed his arms.

“Fine, so I have prophecies, you have visions. We should never be surprised by anything ever again.” I said in a disbelieving tone. James merely chuckled.

“I wish it worked like that. Any other dreams you would like to share?” My first dream seemed comically accurate now and a wry smile formed on my lips.

“Yeah actually, the night after I first saw you, in my store. You were chasing me, you caught me and killed me. Sound familiar?” I poignantly looked down at my blood stained hands and shirt before jokingly glaring at him, but his face was serious again.

“Did it happen exactly like this?” His question seemed strange to me, but I answered truthfully anyways.

“No, we were in the city and you caught me in an alley…you changed, your eyes and face, it’s the only time I’ve seen your Shift, even before I knew what you were, what a Shift was. Then you dove at me and I woke up.”

The memory seemed strange now, and saying it out loud sounded wrong, like I was missing something, but I shook the thought away. He was looking past me as I spoke, a thoughtful look on his face. He idly rubbed the outsides of his palms as he thought.

“You don’t see the actual events…so definitely prophesies, not visions. Damn.” He spoke quietly, almost like he was talking to himself.

“Well, sorry my dreams aren’t more helpful. I didn’t exactly get to choose my Gifts.” I said a little combatively.

“It’s not your fault, it’s just that prophesies often cause more harm than help. People can see whatever they want in them and they just breed distrust and paranoia. They can be misinterpreted far easier than correctly understood. Some say only the one who sees them can ever really know what they mean.”

He seemed to be wary of my new found Gift and it frustrated me that so much about myself was unknown to me. I had always had vivid dreams, does that mean each one was meant to give me a clue about my life and I had just missed them all up until now? I usually had nightmares, was that a sign of my life to come? Was every dream a prophecy? I hated not knowing so much about myself.

“So this is yet another thing I should keep hush-hush?” I said tiredly. James gave me an apologetic half-smile and rolled his shoulders.

“You know a secret two know can only be safe if one’s dead, maybe I should work on the security of this information.” He said with a smirk.

“Hell, make up your mind. You either want to kill me or you don’t, stop this back and forth stuff. Indecision doesn’t suit you.” I said in a semi-flirtatious tone.

“Oh and what does suit me?” His smile widened into a playful grin as he looked down at me. The smile gave me a silly, giddy feeling in my chest but I didn’t try to stuff it down this time. It was nice, it made me feel a little more human, a little more like the woman I was, a little less like a prophetic, telepathic monster.

I leaned forward as I pretended to think, biting the inside of my cheek until the timing was right and I had the correct angle for the momentum needed.

“Competition.” I said as I locked eyes with James, a small entertained smile on my face.

In a sudden burst I planted my palm in the center of his chest and shoved him backwards, I slipped my calf behind his at the same time, sending him sprawling onto his back in the most ungraceful flailing of arms and legs I had ever seen from him. Then I took off in the direction of the house.

“Catch me if you can!” I yelled over my shoulder.

I heard an amused laugh come from where James had landed, but I didn’t look back. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hear him gaining on me, since he was practically a ghost when he ran, so instead I just focused on quickening the rhythm of my feet and running as fast and hard as I could.

I saw pale light a little ways ahead which signaled I was fast approaching the clearing where the house resided. I hadn’t exactly made the rules clear for this impromptu game of tag, but I assumed the manor was ‘safe’.  I stole a look behind me and saw James dodging between trees and bushes only a few yards back. Even over my heavy breathing and the sound of my footsteps I could hear him now. I was almost relieved to know he wasn’t completely silent, it made him seem slightly more human. Slightly.

I broke the tree line into the clear night air with James fast on my heels. I heard him only a few feet behind me now, which only spurred me on faster. I looked towards the house, trying to focus on my goal when I noticed Kael and Nevaeh sitting on the front steps. Kael looked like a ghost through the haze he had billowing around him. He seemed to be giving chain-smoking a new meaning. Even from my distance I could see a look of horror on his face as he saw what he must have assumed was me running for my life from James, my front soaked in blood as I tore towards them. I almost found his misconception comical, considering that this was simply a friendly game of tag, not an act of violence. A flash of bruised pride ran through me that Kael would even think I would run from a fight, but I shook it off as I focused on my goal of the porch.

My moment of humor was quickly discarded as I felt the sensation of falling overtake me. I saw the ground rising up to meet me and braced for a hard landing but instead of the expected impact, I was turned and landed on James’ chest. We rolled over each other in a cloud of dirt and torn up grass before he ended on top of me, pinning me down. James had a playful close-lipped smile on his face which almost looked like a normal person’s, but there was still a sharp glint underneath, something more than mere competitiveness, like a predator that was pleased it had caught its prey.

“Tag, you’re it.” He said breathlessly.

I had never seen James panting before and he reminded me of a dog a little. I felt laughter bubbling up in me and I let it out easily. James’ smile widened slightly, showing a sliver of bright teeth and the hardness in his face lessened. I glanced towards the house as I felt a small earthquake rumbling our way, but at the sound of my laughter, Kael slowed his run, unbridled perplexed bewilderment on his face.

“You’re…laughing?” He directed at me. “And you’re smiling…sorta. What the fuck’s going on?” He sounded irritated for the first time I had ever witnessed. James looked up from me to Kael, who was now towering over us like a tree, his arms crossed over his burly chest.

“It was just a little misunderstanding, we worked it out.” James words sounded casual and even a little arrogant, but I saw a quick flash of pain in his eyes. I nudged his leg on mine to get his attention and when he looked down at me I gave him a reassuring small smile. He nodded as if to acknowledge my kindness, but his eyes still fell to the scar on my neck before he pushed off the ground to stand. He reached down and helped me up for the second time that evening as Kael stood with a dumbfounded look on his usually happy face.

Nevaeh sashayed up to us with a pouty, disappointed downturn to her mouth.

“Oh, you’re still alive, so I guess you made up.” She crossed her arms and paused for a moment before continuing.

“Great.” She said flatly. “Well at least you took it outside, I’d hate for you to bleed everywhere…again.” She sneered. I took a step forward but James stuck an arm out and halted me.

“Don’t pick a fight, Nev, she’s feistier than you may think.” His voice had his usual teasing air, but there was warning evident underneath.

Kael finally seemed to recover and come to his partner’s aid.

“What she _meant_ to say was that at least you guys didn’t break anything. Remember our first fight?” He directed at James. He looked at me and I was glad to see his puppy-like demeanor was back.

“James and I took out the whole back window during our first spat…I used to be a bit of a hothead.” He sounded apologetic but his smile said he was proud of the fact.

“Still are.” James said with a grin as he gave his friend a good-natured push.

“Psh, me? I’m as docile as a lil’ old lady now, you’re the one with the attitude problem.” Kael clutched his hands to his chest in an innocent pose as he spoke, batting his eyes at me as if to convince me of his saintly nature.

“I like my attitude.” James said in faux-defense.

“That makes one of us.” Nevaeh muttered under her breath, just loud enough for us to hear. Kael shot her a sideways glance which she skillfully ignored.

He turned his attention back to James when his warning look didn’t seem to have an effect on Nev.

“You also like boring-as-death books, Russian vodka and god-awful music…and don't even get me started on where you'd keep the thermostat if it was up to you! Plus you’re the strangest mix between a hedonist and masochist I’ve ever met.” Kael smiled sweetly at his brother, who merely smirked back, looking mischievous as ever.

Kael’s eyes moved to me and slowly took in my bloodstained gear, the gore streaking my neck and the leaves and dead grass I could feel in my hair. I looked to James and was slightly entertained by his similar appearance. He didn’t have nearly as much blood on him but his arms and hands were a burnt ruby color, and his wrist still had a slow leak of blood coming from where he had cut himself, his hair looked even messier than usual and he had some dirt on his face as well as his shoulder where we had made initial impact with the ground when he tackled me.

“So what the fuck happened?” Kael finally asked, after he had apparently had enough time studying our disheveled appearances. Just as I was trying to decide how to answer, and just how much to say, the familiar burn ran over my skin, meaning James was opening his mind to mine.

_Vague truth good enough for you?_

His smooth words ran through my head and I gave a slight nod, relieved I didn’t have to decide on a response.

“I had a vision about her but because her Gift is getting stronger I couldn’t keep my…ah, let’s call them concerns…from her as well as I’d expected. She misinterpreted my feelings and reacted accordingly. She’s spirited so things escalated quickly, but then I saw something that changed my mind…and we patched things up, so to speak.” His explanation made me crack another small smile, especially the hint at the truth in ‘patched things up’, ’things’ meaning my slit throat.

Kael looked me up and down before apparently deciding he didn’t care or really didn’t want to know that badly as long as everything was fine now. He threw his arms up in the air in exasperation as he spoke.

“At least you didn’t break that window, that thing was a bitch to replace.” Kael paused for a moment, seeming to really see James for the first time.

“Wait, why are you out of breath? I’ve seen you run way harder and way further without breaking a sweat. You losing your edge, old man?” He teased.

“I wanted to be fair, so I didn’t use any Angel names or my power in our game, that’s all. I’d like to see you sprint a half-mile after healing someone from near-death without using Afriel, the Winds or Baraquiel…not even Forcas. Hell, I didn’t even use any of my Shift. And I needed some help with her heal too, so-” He held his wrist up, showing the gash- “I was already feeling pretty damn drained even before our little race. You wouldn’t have even been able to get close to her. She’s quick.” He replied, sounding jokingly defensive.

“Of course she’s quick, she’s an Air. I’m smart enough to not get into a game of tag with the wind. It would be like me going against my little Nevvie.” Kael beamed over at his partner, looking like he had just paid her the biggest complement of her life.

“I always beat Nev, though.” James said with a cocky smirk.

Nevaeh was still standing in a confrontational stance with her arms crossed over her chest, glaring at me. She let out an annoyed breath before turning on her heel and stalking off towards the house. I watched her go for a couple seconds before a brisk wind reminded me that I was soaked and getting chilled, the heat from James’ power long gone.

“Well, I guess I still have training tonight. Nine o’clock, right? That’s got to be soon.” All I wanted was to get inside and out of my sticky, smelly clothing.

“You sure? We can just pick back up tomorrow.” Kael said in an affectionate tone, like I was a child who had fallen off their bicycle.

“Thanks, but I’d rather get a full day in…just let me shower first.” I said with an unneeded glance at my clothes for emphasis.

Kael nodded before replying. “You both should. You look like shit.”

James shoved Kael again and tried to wipe some of my bloody grime on him before we all headed inside.


	18. Chapter 18

**Heaven's not so far away.**

**I can hear its melody from here in the waiting room.**

**Well, Heaven's not so far away.**

**I can hear its melody calling me home.**

_This Providence - Losing Control_

 

It was funny how the scar across my throat already looked fully healed by the time I was out of the shower and drying off. It didn’t even look like a new scar, but instead had the pale coloring of one that was years past fresh. I idly touched its thin line, following its trail as I thought about the evening’s proceedings. A picture of James and his similar scar ran through my mind. I wondered how he got his and why it left a scar if he had a healer as good as Kael around. Maybe he got it in his early years, before the clan, maybe that’s where all his scars were from.

I threw on some comfy clothes before making my way out to the hallway. I had given the gear to Kael to have it cleaned. If things kept going as they had been, I had the feeling I’d end up going through a lot of clothes. Kael was waiting in the library with a stack of books almost as tall as him where he sat in his maroon over-stuffed chair. I stopped in the doorway, wishing I had decided to take the night off after all.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I said with a groan. His smile widened into a Cheshire cat grin.

Two hours later I had what seemed like hundreds of Angel names swimming through my head; everything from Gotzone and Hasmed, to Iahmel and Vel. Kael had promised he’d have me as proficient with their names in two weeks as himself and even Nevaeh, who apparently knew names that weren’t even in their books, passed down from her parents and their parents. He said something about them being innate, carved into me, and all I had to do was remind myself of them. I was anxious to be able to actually apply the names, but Kael said I had to learn them before I could even begin to use them. Apparently it wasn’t the words that held the power, but my use of them, like my power, my blood, was what made the call work. And since I didn’t yet understand my power, and couldn’t Shift or use my ‘Blood Power’ as they called it, actually applying the words seemed exasperatingly far in my future.

Next was Nev’s history lesson which consisted of her giving me even more books, but these were full of the most powerful Fallen and all the evils they had done and the calamities they had caused. It felt more like I was reading ancient mythology than my ancestry though. I assumed I would enjoy reading any kind of history of my kind, even if it was terrible, but I soon discovered that wasn’t the case. The writers of the books Nevaeh had given me didn’t suppress anything, and they didn’t seem ashamed either, they simply wrote the truth in all its horror, in all its gore and in all its evil and depravity. I felt more disgusted with Darklings than connected by the end of my first history class. Even after just two hours of reading I already understood the hatred the clan held against Fourths and Halflings. They didn’t seem to have a single redeeming quality, no soul, no remorse, no values, even the ones they ‘loved’ would be cast aside if they got in the way of power. Even their own children, or lovers, no one was too great a sacrifice if it meant a step closer to whatever goal the Darkling had in their sights. Some Fallen didn’t even seem to want power, just destruction, just chaos. It was sickening, even to me, even to the mind of someone sick.

I read page after page of wickedness without cause, torture that even I couldn't stomach, cruelty that didn't have a motive, no goal or prize sought to be gained, no reason. Often the baseless violence and brutality were the cause of the Darkling's ultimate end, and yet history repeated again and again, a cycle of a Fallen pushing the world too far, acting on his or her desires and sealing their own demise subsequently. Some of the acts were so atrocious I felt physically ill, something a passage had never been able to illicit from me. In a small way, beneath my abhorrent disgust for my kind, I felt better, that at least I wasn't like these creatures. I may desire the dark, the cruel and violent at times, even often, but flaying children as they screamed for their mothers, removing someone's flesh piece by piece, impaling and eviscerating whole towns one household at a time for no other reason than wanting to? Or boredom, or missing the power of being someone else's god? That was something I had never desired. I was surprised by the many instances of Human cruelty that were caused by Darklings' manipulations as well: wars to witch hunts, holodomor to crusades. Some of the worst execution techniques history ever saw came from the minds of Fallen. Many of the worst killers in history, widely notorious or still shrouded from public knowledge had been Darklings, though many were 'weak-blooded' as the book called them, eighths or sixteenths or even less. Bathory, Talat, Calihula, Mengele, Torquemada, Himmler, Ivan, Nero, Dracula, the list almost seemed fictional. Even on the occasions where Darklings weren't directly responsible for the horrors of the Earth's history, they were always close, being the whisper in the ear of some of the darkest times the world had ever seen.

Finally Nev let me leave, taking the pile of books with me to my room before going to James’ for Demon types and blocks. I had to take a small break to recompose myself, to bury my feelings of revulsion and loathing before my next session, but luckily I had had years of practice of controlling what I felt, what I allowed myself to feel. Within a few minutes I had battled my tight stomach and headache back into the shadows and was ready for whatever James had planned. I felt a slight excitement for the lesson despite the revolting two hours I had just endured.

I paused in front of his door for a second, wondering if I should knock or walk in since I assumed he was expecting me when it swung open before me. He had low slung jeans on and a grey zip-up, casually zipped a couple inches below his collarbone and he wasn’t wearing a shirt underneath. His hair was wet again and I assumed by the fresh pine scent he had just taken a shower. I was finding it exceedingly difficult to breath and my heart couldn’t seem to find a steady rhythm. It was stupid to think of the effect he had on me without him even knowing it, without him feeling anything even remotely similar. That was one thing I was sure of, he had no desires for me like I had for him, nothing from my journey into his mind earlier had shown me anything but platonic emotions, not that I had been looking for anything contrary. I took a deep breath and brushed past him, hoping he hadn’t noticed me admiring him. I sat on the same couch I had woken up on earlier that day. Even though it was only shortly after midnight, the day already seemed like the longest of my life and the memory of my horrible training that morning seemed as if it had been weeks ago.

James sauntered over and sighed heavily as he sat in a chair near the fire, pushing his sleeves up in a weary motion, his right wrist bandaged.

“Tired?” I asked sarcastically, one eyebrow raised in inquiry.

“Didn’t get much sleep the last couple nights, that’s all. And now I have to play teacher for you.” He sounded less playful than I would have liked and he was completely blocked from me, not even a tickle of his presence on my skin. His inconsistent moods were beginning to irritate me and the fact that he was keeping me out of his head, robbing me of the ecstasy I felt when he allowed it, made my mood drop a few more levels.

“Sorry for the inconvenience.” I replied coldly, letting my annoyance slip into my voice.

James held the Book of Dust out to me lazily and I groaned inwardly.

“This again?”

He grinned sarcastically, the picture of arrogance and attitude. I let out a small scoff before grabbing the book.

“Demon types are in there, like I said. So if you want to learn, you’ll have to be able to read that. I’m not going to read them _to_ you.” He ended with a half-sneer.

“I’ll read it tonight then.” I dropped it to my side on the couch. “Now how about you teach me that neat little trick you have that keeps me out.” I said with a smirk that I hoped mimicked his lips’ normal cocky twist.

“Aw, is the little lamb frustrated?” He taunted back at me.

“You’re annoying me.” I replied shortly.

It was truly amazing how he could be in such a good mood during one encounter and then a complete ass four hours later. He was the most infuriating man I had ever met and his enticing demeanor other times only made times like this even worse. Being drawn to someone so unpredictable was really beginning to piss me off. I never knew if he would be my friend or my parent, if he would treat me like a sister, or a bother, or an equal. It was terribly frustrating.

I gasped as a wave of electricity hit me and ran over my body, but then, just as quickly as it had come, it disappeared. I glared at James. He merely sat in his chair, his tan skin glowing faintly in the firelight with an amused little smile on his face. He took down his block once more and it took everything in me to stop myself from making another noise. Then he flicked it off again, and the feeling was gone, leaving me cold and empty, as if it had never been there. His smile grew and the fire returned.

He was playing with me, knowing I couldn’t stop him from flipping the switch on and off, from giving and taking away the heavenly sensation. He turned it off once more and looked at me with his devilish smile. I opened my mouth and was about to yell at him, or tell him to stop, or something else along those lines, when he made the fire return even stronger than before and I had to snap my mouth shut to stop myself from moaning, my hands balled into fists at my side.

“Stop. That.” I said slowly through clenched teeth, my eyes narrow as I glared at him.

“What? You don’t like teasing?” He replied in an amused voice.

I should have known that as soon as he figured out how blissful our connection was for me he would abuse it, I had just hoped he would maybe be embarrassed by it and not use it against me. I had hoped wrong.

I held his mocking eyes for a few more seconds and then suddenly everything went black, a moment later light flooded back to my eyes, except I wasn’t in his room anymore, instead I was back in my woods, the clearing from my daydreams, the one from my nightmare. I was sitting in the middle of the field, I could feel the grass beneath me and even the air smelled of leaves and the outdoors. I knew James was doing it, that he was using his Gift on me, but I couldn’t figure out how he knew my secret place or, if he didn’t, how he could make me see something he had never seen. I stayed seated, fuming on the inside but calm on the out, waiting for James to show up with his dark eyes and hard smile to give me some belittling instructions, but nothing happened.

I was alone in the field, just like I was in my fantasies. I cocked my head to the side and strained to hear anything out in the still woods but there was nothing. I was relieved when I realized the feeling of eyes on me was absent, it was strangely peaceful and I decided I might as well enjoy it while it lasted, until James decided to show up and spoil it. I leaned back and gazed up at the sky, grass tickling my neck, just like I had so many nights in high school when I would sneak out.

The trees above me looked like dark blotches against the navy sky dotted with stars. I could almost make out shapes and images in their branches, like they were over-sized Rorschach tests. I smiled up at them as I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Whether James had put me here on purpose, or if he had just forced my mind to pick its most used spot, I didn’t care, I was here now and this was the most relaxed I had been all day. I was going to enjoy it.

A strange breeze blew over me a moment later, much too cold for the season my daydreams were usually set in. I peeked one eye open slightly, almost expecting James to be standing over me, his arms crossed and his face set into its ‘teacher’ front, but nothing was there, just the sky and the inky trees, reaching out like wicked souls towards the brilliant sparks in the dark canvas above. The breeze picked up again and it was almost like there was a whisper floating on it, but I missed its message. I sat up and looked around, now sure it was James messing with my mind.

“Just come out already.” I called to the empty night air. “James!”

Now I was starting to get angry, what was the point of wasting my time by making me wait for his grand entrance? His arrogance was astounding.

A dark laugh drifted through the branches to me, eerie and familiar. I froze, holding my breath as icy fingernails tiptoed up my spine. The wind suddenly sent a gust, blowing my hair in my face. I swiped it away, trying to catch all the stray strands to clear my vision. I scanned the woods and thought I saw a dark shadow move just beyond their edge. The laugh continued and echoed in my head, smooth and deep, cold and mocking. I knew that laugh, it was the same from my nightmare. It was Ambriel’s killer.

In a moment I was filled with the need for revenge, the need to kill the thing that hurt Kael, my friend, that had forced James to live with the guilt of not being able to save his brother’s love.

“Why are you hiding? Big, strong Angel scared to face me? What, you killed Ambriel but you can’t beat me? Did you have to trick her in order to win? Sneak up on her? Stab her in the back? Come out and show me who you are!” I called out over the growing laughter.

Silence followed my words and the breeze died down, a heavy twig snapped behind me and I spun around, getting to my feet but staying low. My fighting stance didn't matter though, as a frozen needle touched the center of the back of my neck and I was instantly paralyzed. Ice ran through my veins and over my skin, so cold it burned my flesh.

“You want to see me? Then turn around, silly girl.”

A long pause followed the words, but my lungs were frozen as well as my body, all I could do was flick my eyes to the side, begging my neck to turn. My mind was screaming at me to move, to fight, but my body refused to respond. I was bound, it was as if I had never been able to move. As if my entire life had been frozen in this one spot, like my body had never learned what movement even was.

“No?” Came the mocking, smooth voice behind me. I could feel his cold breath on my neck, he was right there, right behind me, but I could do nothing. “You aren’t strong enough? With the big talk I expected better from you.” The voice feigned sadness, as if he had truly hoped for a better fight, a more worthy opponent.

“You aren’t being trained to your fullest potential. You can do so much more, _be_ so much more. They can never teach you what _I_ can. You’re on the wrong side.” The voice was now at my ear, whispering seductively, his breath sent a shiver down my spine and I realized I could speak, the pressure constricting my lungs released.

“You killed one of us, you aren’t the side I want to be one.” I breathed out, using as much of the air in my lungs as I could, trying to fill my weak voice with all the venom I could muster.

“Us? You aren’t one of them. I have done nothing to you, nothing but watch over you, protect you, always from a distance, until you’d need me. Like now, when they are leading you down the wrong path, a dark path. What do you really know about your new friends? How do you know they’re the side you should stand behind? You don’t even know the truth about the one you accuse me of killing, child. I’m clearly stronger, isn’t the stronger side - the winning side - the one you want to be on?”

His voice was soothing, gentle and persuasive. It was a feather running down my neck, relaxing my body, my soul. It was so beautiful and all I wanted was to turn and see his face, not to hurt him anymore, but just to see how lovely he was. If his face matched his voice even slightly, then he would surely be the most glorious thing I had ever seen.

“It’s hard to see the broken pieces past such a pretty face, but you’re leader isn’t who you think. You’re on the wrong side.” He whispered into my ear again. A small breath escaped my lips, a sigh of pleasure as his silken voice continued to caress my mind.

“You could be so strong, so fierce. I can make you what you’ve always wanted. You’re nature is beautiful, your Gifts are so strong. I’ve never seen their likeness. You just can’t see it with those people around you, corrupting you, weakening you. You feel it too, I know you do. Already they’re draining you. You can stand with me. I can teach you…join me.”

An image settled on my mind, one of power and seduction. I could be an Angel, I would have everything. I could live forever. The twisted darkness in me, the Fallen part of me, was pulling so heavily, so strongly, I felt my entire body coated in the desire his words gave me. Their sweet promises pulled me closer to the edge of a cliff in my mind, but I wouldn’t fall from it, I somehow knew I would fly once I leapt from its heights. I would soar. I just had to trust him, to give him my allegiance, and I would be his, on his side. The winning side. All I had to do was say the words.

_I give you my allegiance; I give you my life, my body, my soul. I’m yours._

I somehow knew the words…my lips parted, the need to speak them burning my tongue.

Suddenly a fire burst over my skin, breaking the frozen paralysis. An electric volt ran through me that brought me to my knees and the cold breath disappeared. The voice drifted to me once more, but it was no longer close, it floated on the wind like his laughter had.

“You can either stand with me or fall with them…but we will meet again. You’re on the wrong side, little batnae.”

I saw an orange light flickering and suddenly I was back in James’ room, his face above mine, a fire in his eyes I had never seen before. His hands were on my shoulders as if he had been trying to shake me out of my dream. My eyes felt glazed as I stared up at him. I was laying awkwardly on my back, like James had laid me down once I was transported to the field and now the arm I was on prickled with sleep. I blinked away the grogginess from my mind as I slowly straightened. James moved back, but his face was still full of confusion.

“What happened?” I asked slowly, my mouth felt thick and heavy.

“You tell me. I was about to pull your mind when it was like something snatched you away, your mind was sucked away from me and just…disappeared. It was like you were in a coma, a trance.

“How long?” I managed to choke out, swallowing hard to try and bring life back to my dry mouth.

“Two and a half minutes, give or take a few seconds.” He replied precisely, as if he had timed me. “Now my turn. Where were you, what did you see? Was it a prophecy?”

I hesitated, not because I couldn’t remember, but because my instincts were telling me I shouldn't confess to James all that had transpired. My gut was telling me to only share the bare minimum, to not give away anything that would make me vulnerable. This hadn’t been a prophecy; this was a message, a message from a Fallen. James already had suspicions about me, even if his mind seemed clear of severe ones. He probably trusted me about as much as I trusted him, which seemed to be less and less the more I learned about him, or the more I realized how much there was yet to learn. From what I knew and even all I didn’t, he wasn't the most honest, honorable person. He was just as cunning and shifty as me. I would be a fool to trust him…just like he would be to trust me. I had to watch out for myself, or no one would.

“I was back in the woods, the one from the other dream…or prophecy. I thought you had put me there, so I waited for you but you never came. I heard someone laugh again…and then it was cold, so cold I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed until you pulled me back.” I looked up at him after I finished, realizing that avoiding his eyes would only make him more suspicious.        He had a searching look on his face, as if he was trying to see what I had, without the help of my words, so I forced my face into its usual look, trying to add innocents wherever I could. His jaw tensed for a moment before he released it and his eyes took a hard edge.

“Back in the woods, our woods?” His voice sounded scarily smooth, pleasant even, if it weren’t for the burn of his eyes on mine.

“No, my woods back home, my sanctuary. It’s my favorite place.”

Now that I was keeping so much more from James, my secret spot back home hardly seemed worth hiding.

“So you had a prophecy about being cold…in the woods…waiting for me.” He turned his head slightly, his dark eyes glinting in the firelight of his room.

“What does it mean? Only you could know.” He spoke the words without looking away, the entire time he held my eyes, trying to draw the answer from them.

His question surprised me and I found myself at a loss for an answer.

“I…I don’t know.”

James sneered at my reply, one corner of his lip raised slightly, like a cynical smile was trying to form.

“Well, I suggest you figure it out. Something happened here…but I can’t get into it, something’s blocking me from seeing anything. So it’s up to you.” His voice was as sharp as a razor as he spoke, the fire in his dark eyes hot enough to scald me. I could feel his power quietly hissing through the air around me and something about him seemed lethally dangerous, like there was an anger burning beneath his surface that he was just barely containing.

“I want to know how your mind could be ripped away from me so easily. And why you keep being brought to those woods, what’s their importance? That’s your homework…now go.”

His words were cold and strict and his dismissal final. He was no longer my partner, or even a fellow clan member, he was acting as the leader, giving orders and expecting them to be followed without question. A part of me jumped at the sound of the authority in his voice, expecting obedience. The dark in me was daring him to try and tell me what to do again, but an argument was the last thing I wanted right then, so I simply stood, grabbed the Book of Dust from the couch and stalked out of the room.

That night I slept with my window open, ever since James had pulled me back from the trance with his heat and electricity, I had been burning up. As soon as I got to my room and opened the window, letting the cool night air in, I collapsed onto the bed, both from the exhaustion of the long day and with the hope of drifting back to the woods, back to the Angel with the beautiful voice and tempting promises. My head couldn’t have hit the pillow for more than ten seconds before I was asleep.

My dreams were disappointingly peaceful and benign, no dark figures in the woods, no Demons to run from, just deep, dead sleep unmarred by nightmares.


	19. Chapter 19

**I'm bigger than my body, I'm colder than this home.**

**I'm meaner than my demons, I'm bigger than these bones.**

_Halsey - Control_

 

I awoke to a brilliant sunrise shining through my window, the rays just reaching the side of my face.  I swung my legs to the floor and glanced around, something seemed off, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. I shook the feeling, attributing it to the clan allowing me to sleep in, which I assumed would be a rare privilege. I stretched as I walked down the hallway, checking the open doors as I passed to see if I could find anyone. My feet padded along, muted by the thick rug. The house seemed oddly quiet, but I assumed any house with only four inhabitants that was large enough to comfortably accommodate a family three times our size would seem quiet. I headed for the basement door, guessing that the clan must have simply gotten started without me.

I jogged down the stairs, rounding the last corner to be met with a dark gym, no lights and no sign of Kael, Nevaeh, or James. Just as I was about to turn back to the stone stairs, a glimmer of light caught my attention. I saw a flicker of firelight shining from under James’s door, sending stretched, distorted shadows across the wooden floor, like long yellow fingers crawling towards me. I quickly made my way across the gym, careful to avoid the creepy yellow hands reaching for me.

I paused with my hand raised to knock before I changed my mind and silently turned the handle. Immediately a wave of heat hit me, his constantly burning fire made his room stiflingly hot, like Hell itself. I saw a tousle of messy hair peeking over the back of one of the big, dark chairs that faced the hearth. The flames lent the lighting a sinister, erratic feel, jumping and brightening the room, before they would fall and plunge the walls into deep shadows once more.

James didn’t move as I entered. _He must be sleeping_ , I thought. From my angle I could see his shoulder slightly rise and fall in a slow regular rhythm. I was surprised he hadn’t woken up upon my entrance, he didn’t strike me as a heavy sleeper. I stopped my advance across his floor as I noticed what seemed so strange in the room; his hair. His chaotic hair looked darker in the firelight than it had the night before, like there was an irregular shadow just above his head, a halo of darkness hovering over him. The rest of the room’s coloring seemed normal, making the shadows over him look out of place.

I felt something cold touch my hand and when I looked down I saw my switchblade held loosely, its edge shining fiercely. As I watched it, perplexed by how it had even gotten there, it slowly raised as if by some magical force. I felt powerless as the bewitched knife with my hand around it pulled me forward, closer and closer to James’ sleeping body. My struggles seemed just as futile as they had when James had directed my knife to his chest the day before…except this time it wasn’t him doing it, it was me, I just couldn’t stop myself.

The knife continued to slowly advance on James and I tried to yell out to him, to warn him, but my mouth wouldn’t work. It was like I was watching a movie; I could see what was happening, but I had no control over it. I was praying that James would wake up in time, screaming in my head at him to get up and stop me, but he didn’t, his chest continued to rise and fall in peaceful ignorance. He was the perfect weapon, a warrior through and through, never caught off guard, never making a mistake, he couldn’t possibly go out like this, being killed in his sleep by some possessed girl. It wasn’t fair.

In one grotesque movement, the knife shot forward, easily cutting through the side of James’ perfect, still neck, leaving a fatal gash right below the thin white scar that crossed his throat. James’ eyes shot open and took in his murderer for a second before I saw the light dim. A look of rage and then shock that slowly morphed into betrayal and a deep, heartbreaking sadness froze on his face as his life fled.

Blood poured from the wound, a ruby river flowing down his body and pooling onto the floor. The river of crimson didn’t stay stagnant though, instead it ran to my feet, climbing up my legs and clawing at my clothing. I could feel it on my skin like a living thing, warm and thick like mud, heavy and oppressive.

I regained control of my body and leapt back, dropping the knife like it was a hot coal, but somehow the blood followed me, continuing its slow climb. It was now pulling up my stomach, reaching my chest and quickly advancing to my neck. I tried to wipe it away, to shake it off, but it was unrelenting. It slowed slightly as it crept up my face. I could smell it and soon the coppery taste of it filled my mouth as it cascaded over my head. The panic of what I had done and the sick terror of James’ blood made my insides twist into painful knots. And suddenly there was a piercing scream filling my ears, it was terrible and screeching, like a tortured soul in the underworld. A moment later I realized it was coming from me. It ended in a sickening gurgle as James’ blood filled my mouth, pouring down my throat, drowning me. Even in death he was lethal and taking his revenge.

I awoke with a start, drenched in sweat with my tank stuck to me and my hair plastered to my forehead. I quickly sat up and shook my head, to be sure I was truly awake before collapsing back onto the bed, gasping for air as I tried to catch my breath and slow my racing heartbeat. Suddenly my stomach twisted and I had to sprint to my bathroom. I made it just in time before I was sick. Waves of nausea wracked my body and left me fighting for air, ending in agonizing dry heaves. Finally it passed and I returned to bed, sinking into it. I laid there for a little while, staring at the clean, white ceiling. Slowly my heart rate returned to a fairly normal state from its painful gallop. I had never had such a terror-filled dream, or one I had been so sure was real…until the end, but by then fear had crowded my mind too much to allow logic in.

I sat up slowly and searched the room, making sure everything looked normal this time. The bathroom door was hanging open, letting my wild-eyed reflection peer suspiciously back at me from across the room. The window with its heavy, dark wooden frame was still open, sheer white and red curtains elegantly rippled in on the slight early morning  breeze. I tried to focus on my breaths and the fresh air to calm myself further, but instead the memory of James’ chest rising and falling as he slept flashed in my mind, quickly followed by an image of myself, covered in his blood, the knife still in my hand. I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting the urge to be sick again.

Finally when my nausea subsided I opened my eyes. The clock read just past four-thirty but I knew I wouldn’t be getting any more sleep, the couple fitful hours I had already fought through would have to do. I grabbed the Book of Dust from my bedside table instead and flipped it open, trying to keep the dream from my mind by focusing on the blank page.

After a few minutes of trying to clear my head and only think of the clean page on my lap I saw a small smudge in one corner. A strange feeling began to pulse in my mind, not like my Gift, but something similar, something unstable and constant all at once. I touched the mark, expecting it to somehow feel different, but it didn’t…just a smooth, dark line, a shadow. Then it jumped and curved under and over itself, forming heavy dark writing, the page filled with it and then the adjacent page as well. I let the book fall from my hands as the pages seemed to spring to life, turning in front of me, each page now full of markings and pictures, awful pictures of Demons and monsters I could have never even imagined in my darkest dreams. The markings shivered once more and formed into legible words instead of the deep symbols that Kael had said was the language of Fallen Angels; Spoken.

The shock of seeing something on the previously crisp, white page left me dumbfounded for a moment. I quickly recovered and sped-read the first page, expecting at any moment for the words to vanish. Worried the book might realize it had made a mistake and that the reader was me and not some other clan member. I flipped to the next page and then the next. Finally I became satisfied that the book wasn’t going to take back its elusive information and slowed my reading to a more comprehending pace. The pages were filled with Demon types and spells and other magics I couldn’t quite understand. The book suddenly felt like a treasure chest to me.

I read for close to an hour, methodically going through Demon types and trying to make up pneumonic reminders for which Demon went with which weaknesses or strengths. Eventually James crept back into my mind though and I figured I should probably tell my ‘teacher’ I had seen the magical little words, no thanks to him. It was well past five now so I figured he must be awake, especially if he slept as meagerly and infrequently as everyone made it sound.

Halfway across the gym floor I froze, remembering my nightmare…this seemed eerily similar and the wave of déjà vu I felt made my stomach drop. I quickly checked my sweatpants’ pockets; no knife. I gave a small sigh of relief before starting out again. James’ door was slightly ajar and I could see the fire was burning as always, but I knocked anyways. There was no answer and the idea that he was truly a heavy sleeper seemed improbably. Suddenly it dawned on me that maybe my dream had been a prophecy trying to tell me James was in trouble. I pushed the heavy door open and scanned the room, worried I’d find an unconscious body or worse in one of its shadowed corners.

After I had triple-checked the perimeter and the chairs I felt satisfied that James wasn’t dead or dying…at least not in his room. I stepped the rest of the way in and glanced to the neatly made bed…it gave the impression that it hadn’t been used yet that night. I glanced back out across the gym to be sure I was alone before closing the door behind me.

Alone in James’ room almost felt like a religious experience. It was so cut off from the rest of the manor, so still and calm. That’s probably why he liked being down there, it gave the feeling of being absolutely alone and able to unwind, far from the constant social expectations of living in the main hallway with Kael and Nev. I ran my fingers over the deep, red comforter before I sat on the bed’s edge. I laid back, allowing my legs to dangle over the side. The bed smelled exactly like him and the soft warmth almost made me drowsy again, but the last thing I wanted was for James to find me passed out in his bed. I opened my eyes, expecting to see wood or plaster above me, but instead the ceiling was dark, gleaming rock, like the stairway’s walls.  James’ room really was more of a cave than a bedroom, a well-organized, well-decorated, fairly comfortable cave…but still a cave.

I pulled myself off the bed and walked towards the door, figuring I could end up waiting all morning or I could just tell him whenever I saw him next. The latter option sounded much more appealing. As I neared the door I heard a slight thud come from the other side. A moment later it burst open and James came stumbling in. He was a complete mess; his shirt was torn and he had the dark stains of blood in sprays and streaks all across him. His knuckles were raw and bleeding and he had a minor limp as he entered. I had the insane urge to rush to his side and help him, to try and make him comfortable and lessen whatever pain he was in, to get Kael to heal him, to do anything. Something about seeing him injured made a protective, nurturing part of me awaken that I never thought I had.

He steadied himself against the wall as he swung the door shut behind him. He pulled his tattered, bloodied shirt up over his head and I had to stop myself from staring. James’ head appeared as it escaped the shreds of cotton and immediately froze, apparently just then noticing my presence. He looked completely and unguardedly shocked for a moment and I got the feeling it was very rare that someone took him by surprise. The deceased shirt was still suspended over his head as a small, odd smile pulled at his lips.

“May I help you?” He said in a gravelly voice that sounded nothing like his usual smooth, cool tone…except for the note of mocking in it.

He threw the rag of a shirt to the floor and shook his hair out like a dog before finally moving from the spot I had surprised him in. He walked to the wall across from his computer and opened a camouflaged door I had never noticed to show a bathroom full of black granite and brushed metal. He appeared a moment later with a damp washcloth and what looked like a bottle of Beluga. A muffled groan escaped him as he sat heavily on the edge of his bed, exactly where I had been a minute earlier, and uncapped the fifth. He wiped at some of his shallower wounds on his chest and arms before finally rolling up the leg of his jeans to show the reason for his limp. What looked like a bullet wound dug into the outside of his left calf.

He tipped the bottle back and swallowed down a mouthful before glancing up at me with an arrogant grin and unceremoniously pouring some of the alcohol on his injury. He pinching his fingers into the bloody circle of flesh and let out a low breath before retracting his fingers, which were now holding a wicked-looking sharpened bullet unlike anything I had ever seen before. He muttered a couple words and wiped at the blood more. I was so dumbstruck, I just stood there, watching him, unsure of what to do.

James absently dabbed at his split knuckles as he acknowledged me again, this time watched me like a cat might watch its lunch right before it pounced.

“Are you just going to stare at me, or answer my question?” He said calmly, his usual voice back and a sly smile still hiding beneath the lines of his face.

“What happened to you?” I said, fighting a strange feeling in my stomach. I opened my Gift and basked in the electric feeling for a moment before trying to glean information from his mind. All I could sense from him was a dark, bloody violence though and that didn’t seem to help me piece together much besides the fact that he’d been fighting, which I could have gathered from his appearance. There was a line of happiness beneath the violence though that I found fascinating, like a love for it which I took mental note of. Suddenly the connection was broken and James tsk-tsked from his seat across the room.

He wagged his finger at me in reproach as he spoke.

"Use your words, little one. You can’t just pull the answers you want from my head.”

“Then answer me, what have you been doing…and why are you _happy_?” I asked, annoyed that I had to rely on his frustrating half-answers rather than just use my Gift.

His grin widened into a sarcastic twist.

“I had an enjoyable night, that’s all.”

The edges of his smirk looked dangerous as he spoke, like something animalistic was hiding there. He continued to wipe blood and dirt from his minor wounds, the same slight smile on his face.

“You enjoy getting shot? You look like hell.”

James merely wiggled the vodka bottle and took another swig before answering.

“You should see the other guy.” He replied proudly, a flirtatious look in his eyes. He poured some of the drink onto the now filthy rag as he continued to clean off.

“It’s going to take a lot more than a dishcloth and some alcohol to clean up. Go shower.” I ordered, trying to sound disgusted, but in reality it was almost impossible to keep the lust off my face. James looked good dirty, then again he always looked good. But somehow the streaks of dirt and blood standing out against his light skin only made him that much more appealing. The muscles of his chest and stomach tightened with each movement and his lean build begged to be touched. It had been too long since I had been with someone, and it made my stomach tense just thinking of it.

“Whoa, are you trying to get me naked? Taking advantage of me just because I’m drunk? I thought better of you, Angel. I thought you were all blushing innocents.”

His voice joked, but I felt my cheeks burn nonetheless.

“Fine, stay filthy. It doesn’t bother me.” I quipped in what I hoped seemed a casual way.

In actuality I couldn’t have been happier. I was thoroughly enjoying watching him, seeing if my expectations of his body were met, and they were. The only difference between my imaginations and the reality were the scars etched every little ways on his skin, some just thin lines, others wider and jagged. They ranged in size but all had the same pale color, all healed completely, making it impossible to tell their age. They each teased a story, ones I wanted to know. I had never noticed scars on Kael or Nevaeh. It made me wonder what was so different about James, besides everything about him that made him seem otherworldly and strange.

“I’m always filthy.” James said as he pulled his bottom lip through his teeth with such a blatantly enticing look I got the distinct feeling he was mocking me.

My heart almost stopped despite being sure he was only trying to mess with me, but I managed to give him a sneer before waving the Book of Dust at him, remembering my reason for the visit.

“Not interested. I just came down to tell you I can read it now, so what’s my first assignment?”

James made a big show of staring up at the ceiling as he thought, looking almost drowsy. Finally I got sick of waiting for his reply and stalked over to him, dropping the book on him.

“You’re wasted. How much have you had? And who were you fighting?”

James rolled his head back down level and looked at me, something seemed off and the odd feeling wasn’t just because of the weird motherly reaction I felt at seeing his torn skin or the fact that I almost felt like chastising him for putting himself in danger.

“Bar fight.” He replied, complete open honesty on his face.

His lack of sarcasm made it clear he was lying and now that I was closer to him I noticed he didn’t smell of alcohol. Besides the little bit of fresh vodka he had surreptitiously tried to splash on himself to mimic the smell of someone truly inebriated. He didn’t have the sweet scent of mixed alcohols, or even the glazed over eyes of someone far past sober. I leaned my head to one side as I studied him. Even in the shadowed light of his room I could just barely see the attentiveness in his eyes, underneath his show of drunkenness. Kael was right, he was a good actor. From across the room I never would have realized he was pretending.

“You’re lying. It wasn’t a bar fight and you aren’t even drunk. In fact I’d be willing to bet that besides those little sips of vodka you haven’t had a single drink tonight, am I right?”

James stared back at me for a moment before he let out a low, quiet chuckle and dropped his head, studiously cleaning a series of deep gashes on his left shoulder that closely resembled claw marks.

“Then what do you think I was doing out all night? Something heroic and valiant I’m sure. I’m not the hero here, I’m just working at not being the main villain for the time being.” He spoke with a little too much bite in his voice.

“I believe it, you aren’t a hero.” He glanced up at me at this, before a slight snarl pulled up his lip and he returned his attention to his shoulder.

“You did something you enjoyed tonight, I could feel your…joy from it. It was just a game to you, you were playing. I can tell that much from your head. You’re almost as sick as me.” I said the words like a complement, slightly teasing with a little smile of my own.

“I don’t care what you did tonight, but I can’t stand a liar. So when you decide to start being honest with me, you know where I’ll be.” I gave him a challenging look before turning towards the door.

As I reached for the warm metal handle I heard the bed sigh, I turned at the noise and almost jumped, James was already right behind me, standing deathly still, unnecessarily close. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be as fast or noiseless as he was. His stance was powerful, with arrogance in every line. He no longer looked to be pretending drunkenness. His dark eyes grabbed mine and he slowly raised his arm, holding the Book of Dust out to me.

“Run along now, before I do something I’ll regret.” He leaned forward deeply. “I sometimes do rash things when I drink.”

He looked up through his lashes as he spoke, so close I felt his warm breath on my neck as he purred the words out. His eyes broke from mine and wandered over me in an obscene way. A kiss would have been less intimate. I pushed his chin up so his eyes were on my face once more and mirrored his lean before pausing, my face teasingly near his, my lips only an inch away.

“I’d like to see you try.” I whispered the challenge before patting his cheek, too hard to be affectionate, but soft enough to be patronizing. With a terse smile I opened the door and left.

My head was spinning as I made my way to the library. What the hell had that been? I knew one thing for certain, James was lying, he hadn’t been drunk and he wasn’t in something as simple as a little tussle or bar fight. But why pretend he was? Why would he hide where he went at night? And why act like that? Was he truly so shameless as to mock me because he had put together a few key pieces of information and guessed at my irrational attraction to him? Or was he really serious? Did he think so little of me that he thought all he had to do was express a little drunken interest and I would hop into my leader's bed?

By the time I settled into one of the library chairs I was fuming. How _dare_ he. Not a single reason I could think of gave James an excuse or justification to act like such an asshole to me. Didn't I deserve some measure of respect, as his pair, or as a member of his clan at the very least? I poured over the book instead of ruminating on what a prick James was and I even started taking notes in one of the journals Kael had given me. I felt like I was getting some real information and it was a good feeling. I flipped ahead of the demons a little ways, curious to see what other gems the ancient book held.

The first page I turned to seemed to rearrange and swim as my eyes focused on it. ‘True Pairs’ caught my eye and an odd tingle ran up my arms as I held the book, like a shiver that somehow came from the page. I had to read through the passage twice before I fully comprehended what it was saying.

 

_A quad with every Sign present is the strongest. Four is the most sacred of numbers for Fallen; close to the divine three without tarnishing it in our shadowed presence, trying to break away from the Devil’s six, but unable to pass God’s number, trapped between Heaven and Hell, as we justly are. In addition, each corner of existence must be represented in order for mortal imbalance to be negated; Earth, Fire, Water and Air. A quad without all four Signs will slowly unravel and weaken, the disparity of the Earth tearing apart what Heaven made but threw out._

_The rarest of balanced quads are owners of True Pairs. True Pairs are not merely partners, but a pair who are destined and divinely connected to the other, those that complement the other in every way and share themselves as one. Fate draws them together, fate chooses them. Rough waters may batter them, but no one can separate them once they link in shared blood. They cannot be broken once they are bonded. No power is greater, no anger is darker, no nature is truer. They are partners for life, never to be replaced, but also never to be recovered. This bond can kill or sustain, share joy and pain; it can be the greatest of gifts, or the darkest of curses. True Pairs may share Gifts, Signs, strength, communications and attributes with one another, emotional ties and physical affects may couple in addition. A balanced quad which is the holder of a True Pair is exceedingly rare and dangerous; the most powerful of Fallen kind._

I flipped to the front and back of the book, cursing the fact that there were apparently no such things as indexes at the beginning of time or whenever it had been written. I wanted to look up more on True Pairs, but I had no idea where to start. Something in the back of my mind itched at the words¸ like I should be able to remember something just out of reach. The words sounded almost exactly how I felt for James, how it seemed like we were connected somehow, like he was familiar to me, a part of me. How I felt stronger for him, irrationally so, in the short time I'd known him than anyone else. A strange feeling came over me again and the unknown emotions I felt made me anxious. I hated having to analyze my own feelings, better to bury them where they couldn’t do any damage. I was relieved when Kael stuck his head in the library door and let out a long sigh.

“Here you are. I’ve been looking for you. Breakfast is almost ready.” Kael’s voice sounded dull but he ducked out of the room before I could respond. I left the book on the end table, completely ready to throw myself into the day’s training and hopefully not think of True Pairs or James for as long as possible.


	20. Chapter 20

**Skies are falling tonight, as you run and hide**

**Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.**

**We all fall down**

_In This Moment - Ashes_

 

I walked into the kitchen to see Kael and Nevaeh bustling about, getting food and plates and cups ready. The breakfast bar only had three places set but the last thing I wanted to talk about was James, his behavior at our last encounter made my teeth grind just thinking of it and I was starting to get a sore jaw from all the frustration he put me through.

The kitchen seemed busy, and Nevaeh was in an unusually good mood, a small smile on her face that only looked slightly haughty. However, Kael was clearly sour, my suspicion that he was upset from his breakfast-call confirmed. I walked in just as Nevaeh said something apparently hilarious and mussed Kael’s already messy hair, laughing loudly. Kael ducked away but otherwise ignored her playfulness. Seeing him without even the hint of a smile on his face made him look ominous and a little frightening. I could only imagine how he must have looked to others before he joined James, back when he was on the streets…back when he was a murderer who couldn’t control his nature. A small shudder ran up my spine.

I slid onto one of the bar stools and attempted a smile at Kael, one corner of his mouth curled up but it looked forced.

“So what’s the plan today? More training? Target practice? Taking down large, wild animals?”

I was surprised when Nev smiled at my joke, kind of, and a small part of me started to feel like today might be a good one, even though my sleep and first social contact had been seriously disappointing. I glanced to Kael, but he seemed to have not heard me.

Nev spoke as she saw me look to her partner.

“Don’t even bother with him, he’s grumpy because James is going through one of his distant phases.” She made a face as she mocked James’ behavior before continuing. “He likes to do things on his own a lot, but lately it’s been a little more than usual and Kael is being a baby about being left out.”

“I’m not mad he left me out, I’m just worried about him. I have a bad feeling. This is too big of an opponent for him to go after alone. I mean a Fallen? He’s getting too involved, arrogant and he’s going to get himself killed. He’s not immortal, you know, no matter how much he acts like it. He can die just like any of us, just like Ambriel.” Kael finished a little quieter and I knew that was his real fear, that he would lose James just like he had lost Ambriel. First his love and then his brother. I would be cautious too I guess.

“I’m sure he’s fine.” Nevaeh said dismissively with a wave of the spatula she was using to make an enormous omelet. A small piece of green pepper detached itself from her wand and flew to the floor where she glared at it as if she thought her look alone had the power to put it back in its proper place.

“Yeah, I mean he was fine this morning when I saw him, if not a complete asshole, but he was a living asshole.” I said, trying to both agree with Nev and keep her happy while still reassuring Kael.

Kael turned at this with an odd look on his face.

“You saw him this morning?”

“Well, I couldn’t sleep an…”

Nev let out an uncharacteristically dorky snort before cutting me off.

“Couldn’t sleep? You screamed so loud _III_ almost couldn’t get back to sleep.”

I pretended to not hear her slightly mocking tone as I continued.

“For _whatever_ reason…I couldn’t sleep and started looking through the Book of Dust, I saw the words and decided to go tell James. He wasn’t in his room at first, but then he came stumbling in all torn up. He said it was from a bar fight, but I thought he was lying so I left. He was acting like an idiot.” I toned down the language I wanted to use to describe his behavior. I didn’t want them to know just how much James sometimes got under my skin.

“It wasn’t a Fallen though, I know he wasn’t fighting anything like that…I just, I don’t know, I can just tell.” I realized I had no idea how I knew it wasn’t a Fallen or a Half or anything else like that that he had been fighting. I didn’t think it was a Darkling at all actually, but I couldn’t articulate why.

Kael bit his lip before cracking his neck in what seemed like a possibly menacing way.

“Damnit! See Nev, he was already out all night, got fucked up and then what? Headed back out for a second helping? With no backup? What a little shit.”

“He wasn’t that hurt, I mean he was shot…but just in his leg.” I hurried to add at the look of frustrated disbelief Kael gave me. “He just pulled it out and cleaned it, so it couldn’t have been that bad. He had some deep marks on his shoulder too…if that helps give any idea of where he was at.”

I paused for a moment, wishing I wasn’t the only person who had seen him and had information on what he might be doing.

“He said the other person looked worse? So maybe he didn’t completely lose?”

Kael rolled his eyes at this in an uncharacteristically ill-tempered way.

“Of course he didn’t _lose_. He never _loses_ …but that doesn’t mean he should run around all night acting like a demi-god. If he gets caught off guard or too outnumbered or if there’s a Greater Demon out there waiting for him, if there’s a Half-” Kael pointed towards the front door for emphasis- “it won’t matter that he’s a decent fighter, it won’t matter that he can make little fireballs or see glimpses of the future, he’ll still get ripped apart or shot through the head or something else even _he_ can’t come back from. All because he doesn’t want us out there, because he wants to do it on his own. There’s a reason we’re a clan!” Kael ended in a booming, frustrated yell.

The passage on quads and pairs came to the front of my memory but I didn’t think now was the best time to talk about it.

“Well, why don’t we go find him then? Why sit at home and whine about it? I mean if you want to join him and watch his back…why not go do it? He’s your leader, not a dictator, so you don’t have to sit at home and twiddle your fingers just because he tells you to stay. We aren’t his pets.”

Kael looked at me as if I had suggested we all fly unicorns over the city that afternoon instead of train. Nev spoke to fill her mute partner’s silence.

“James doesn’t take well to disobedience. We respect his decisions because he’s our leader.”

I raised my eyebrows at her, the stubborn, defiant part of me refusing to submit.

“And I don’t take well to being told what to do.” I looked back to Kael as I continued. “I don’t know about you, but if he isn’t back by dark, I’m going out and finding him.”

This seemed to end the conversation and the kitchen fell silent. Nev finished the eggs and Kael set out fruit and bread. Even with half the members in a sour mood, the scene in front of me still made me jealous. They were a real family, comfortable around each other, even with their strange quirks. Kael would lift a plate to avoid colliding with Nev, Nev would toss him a cutting board before he asked. They were just as in sync here as in a fight, maybe that’s what happened when you spent every waking moment with another person. Jealousy slunk through me again. I wanted to be truly known, understood…cared about. If no one cares about you, do you even really exist at all? It had been so long since I had actually had someone close to me, someone I felt close to as well. I wasn’t even sure I knew what it felt like anymore.

I was pulled from my thoughts as Kael spoke up and relayed the training schedule for the day. He kept making little comments like 'if James shows up then he’ll work with knives' or 'unless James ditches, he’ll work with the Book of Dust some more with you'. I began to wonder if I had overestimated Kael’s ability to hide his emotions, since it seemed all he could do now was burst with them.

After breakfast I went through close the same regimen as the day before, except for the fact that a sulky Kael subbed for the sections James had taught a day earlier. All the physical training went well enough, from sparring with Kael to working on rapid archery with Nevaeh, but anything that required attention or concentration was rocky at best. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t get James out of my head. I was worried and the emotion didn’t suit me. Luckily Kael seemed just as distracted and didn’t get on my case to focus like James would have.

Halfway through the afternoon a pounding migraine began drumming at my right temple, making it even more difficult to stay on task. A particularly sharp beat of pain ripped through my head and I gingerly touched my temple, squeezing my eyes shut as if to block out the pain. When I opened my eyes Kael was watching me. His dark curved eyes almost as indecipherable as James’.

We were sitting out in the woods, him cross-legged a few feet in front of me. We had been trying to reach my Sign for close to an hour, but every time I closed my eyes and tried to focus all I saw was James’ face. A sneer on his lips, or that amused little smirk, but most often I just saw his eyes, deep and mysterious, watching me, haunting me. Kael looked at me a moment longer, almost as expressionless as James, before he sighed and began to stand.

“Let’s call it a day…and don’t stress too much, you’ll find your Sign, don’t worry.”

I was glad Kael thought my headache was attributed to my Sign’s elusivity and not James’ absence, which would have been my guess.

We walked back to the house in silence, Kael with a stony look on his face. Just as the large shape of the house became visible through the trees he spoke.

“You know you’ve already died twice being with us, or come pretty damn close…are you sure you want this? How long do you really expect to survive?”

I watched him as we walked, but he refused to look back.

“You think I’ll die in the first real fight I get into?”

Even with my Gift turned off I knew that was what he expected.

“I just have a feeling I’ll have to bury another clan member soon, yes.” He replied coldly, still without meeting my eyes.

“Well, I’m glad it’s just you having these feelings and not the one with visions.” I said nonchalantly, trying to not let on the chilled feeling I had in my stomach.

Kael stopped and turned to me finally.

“I’m serious, are you really willing to find out who you are, what you are, just so you can throw it away living the life of a soldier? What do you think will happen when you’re in a real fight with us and we’re too busy to watch your back? When James can’t rush over and heal you before you bleed out or some Demon takes your heart? There are other clans, you know, ones who aren’t always on the front line, ones who never even see combat, or at least not like us.”

The intensity in Kael’s words were reflected on his face and I realized I didn’t have an answer.

“You can leave now, still, it won’t make an enemy out of me, I’d understand.” He continued, sounding almost like he was pleading with me.

I paused for a moment, looking down at the ground before I realized there really was no choice. I reached out and laid a hand on Kael’s arm, an uncharacteristically sentimental gesture for me.

“Kael, I’m not leaving, you were once new to all this and you survived, James too. I’m not Ambriel, you have to understand that.” I finished in a gentle voice, not sure if bringing up the last member of the clan was a good idea or not.

Kael said nothing for a few seconds and I began to wonder if I had said the wrong thing, then his indecipherable mask broke and he looked to be debating answering one of two ways.

Finally he spoke. “I know you’re not her…but she was better than you…and that still wasn’t good enough.”

“Then I’ll work harder.”

I started towards the house once more and after a moment’s pause I heard Kael following. I was surprised my pride wasn’t hurt by his comment of Ambriel’s superiority, but I suppose even my narcissism had its limitations.

At the foot of the porch steps, Kael stopped and lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply before blowing the white smoke above his head.

“And you’re worried about _me_ dying?” I teased as I stood next to him. He gave a weak smile, the cigarette still between his lips.

“Well if I’m done training, then I’m going for a run.”

Kael shot me a look clearly meant to be dubious before I continued.

“I’m not going to the city…yet. I’ll come back, just going for an innocent little run through your woods. Scout’s honor.” I held up two fingers in mock imitation of the Boy Scout sign.

Kael gave a little shrug and mumbled “okay” before continuing to smoke, staring up over the tree line.

Almost an hour later I had run most of the clearly marked, shorter trails and doubled back. I wasn’t the best with directions, but unless I was terribly mistaken, I was expecting to emerge from the forest just to the right of the white-rock garden. I’d wanted to return ever since my first visit but hadn’t found the time or privacy. For some reason I liked the idea of being alone there and I didn’t really want the others watching me in my new hideout. I figured I needed to find a new secret place, since my usual haunt was hours away back in my home town.

I had spent a good amount of effort to get far from my childhood, from the years I had spent wondering what was wrong with me, hating the other kids my age, hating my boring, monotonous life. I shook the thought from my mind. I normally tried to not think of my earlier life or life in general, it never seemed worth it until now. I smiled as I walked towards the pond, once again satisfied that the life I had always dreamed of was finally mine. Even if it killed me, it was worth it. That’s what Kael didn’t understand, death seemed a fair price for a life I actually wanted to live.

I leaned against the same stone as before and tried to clear my mind. Even as I had run, James wouldn’t stay out of my head and I was beginning to get angry with myself. What was wrong with me? So much had happened in the last few days I was beginning to not be able to keep it all straight. I tried to make a mental list; one, chew out James for being such a prick the night before, two, chew him out for trying to work this ‘project’ alone and remind him that Kael is his brother and wants to help, three, ask about True Pairs, four…figure out what to do about the visions, or dreams or prophecies or whatever they were, that I kept having, five, figure out what the Fallen wanted, or if he was even real…maybe I was just going crazy.

Compared to the alternative, that he was real, going insane almost looked like the better option. If he was real though, then I had to decide where my loyalties really fell. A silly crush wasn’t enough to make me positive the clan was where I belonged. I really didn’t know that much about the clan and if an Angel wanted me on his side, maybe I should consider it. Maybe the 'history' book I had been given was just propaganda. The feelings of power I had in the trance, the promise of immortality. A shiver of pleasure ran up my back as I remembered the encounter. Maybe I should keep my options open...

I flung the thought from my mind as soon as I realized it; Fallen were the worst creatures the world held, and I would never join one, ever. But even if I didn't admit it to myself, there was still a pull, a desire to hear his voice again, to see him.

I wished I trusted James more so I could confide in him. Sometimes I even felt like I could, but I had a strong feeling that telling him I was seeing and hearing things in the woods, that I dreamt of killing him and especially that the Fallen responsible for Ambriel’s murder might be trying to recruit me was a bad idea. I turned the problems over in my mind, trying to come at them from new angles, hoping for an answer to present itself. I could tell Kael everything, but that would be the same as telling James; Kael was too loyal to James to keep information like this from him. If I really _was_ the True Pair of James, and he could tell me more about what that actually meant, then _maybe_ I’d tell him _some_ of the secrets I’d been keeping. Maybe.

I stared out at the pond’s still water. The calm surface looked mocking compared to how unsettled I felt. I stood up in disgust, kicking at a clump of grass as I turned from the glassy pool, making my way back towards the house. The sun was dipping low and I had a mixture of excitement and dread swimming in my stomach. If James wasn’t back when I got home, I would change into street clothes and search him out, just like I had said I would. I missed the city and was itching to go to it, but Kael’s warning of my own mortality was still in the forefront of my mind and I almost felt a little bit of fear at the idea of going into the city alone. What if he was right? What if Kael’s burial fears were true and he would be losing another soon. Out of the other clan members, it was certainly looking most likely that the death would be my own. I pushed the thought from my mind. Living a coward’s life just so you could safely arrive to death in the end hardly seemed like a life at all. I would accept whatever came to me, just like I had my entire life.

I had an odd combination of butterflies and knots in my stomach. I still had my headache from earlier but it was much slighter after my attempt at relaxing by the pond. My nerves couldn’t decide if they wanted me to walk quickly with anticipation or slowly with anxiety to the house so I ended up alternating between the two speeds in an awkward trek across the grass. I flipped my Gift on, now as natural as if I’d always known how, and took a deep breath as I walked in the front door. I was immediately both relieved and disappointed that I didn’t feel James’ electricity on my skin. He was either blocking me…or still not back. Instead of investigating to check which it was I made the quick decision that I was going to the city regardless tonight. I wanted to be back on the familiar streets and dare the danger to find me. I missed it and I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t going to live a safe life, to prove that I wasn’t afraid of anything.

Fifteen minutes later, after changing into a dark hoodie and low-slung baggy jeans I might have stolen from one of my ex-playthings, I was descending the stairs and heading for the door. Kael stepped out from the front sitting room and I almost expected him to try and stop me, but he just moved aside with a meaningful look.

“I’m not your parent, go do what you want.” He said in a tired voice as he pulled a cigarette from beneath his hair that he had tucked behind his ear.

“I’m just going to the city for a walk, if I find him, good, if not, oh well. I’ve gone for hundreds of walks there so stop with the morose face.” I said sweetly, but he didn’t change his serious look. He finally shook his head slightly and stuck out his hand as if to give me something. He dropped a smooth, cold sphere in my hand, like a metal marble. A Call.

“Just in case you need help. You’re never alone, not anymore.”

He gave me a weak smile, but his eyes looked sad, it made me nervous and I let a tendril of my Gift leak into his mind. My control was getting stronger each day it seemed.

He was truly worried for me, it seemed like he had already accepted my death, like he was already mourning for me. But all his worry and sadness for me was nothing compared to the underlying fear he had that James wasn’t okay. He hadn’t heard from him all day which wasn’t normal, even when James was on one of his 'independent stints' as Kael thought of them. Yet he still felt it would be undermining James if he went out against his orders to find him. There was more there, but I had seen enough.

I gave Kael a serious look before speaking.

“You worry too much. He’s fine, I know it.”

“Stay out of my head.” He replied a little sulkily.

I gave him a small smile and clapped a hand on his arm as I walked by. I almost thought he said something as I left, but it was too quiet for me to catch.

\---

 I felt sick all day, though that wasn’t really uncommon for me. The world sometimes warned me when a tragedy was about to happen, or when some dramatic change was coming. I had felt it the day we heard of the first murder in the city, the hour before James had come to the door carrying Ambriel’s body, the day we went to ask Nevaeh to join us, the morning we walked into the store and first saw Jordan. In fact my sickness was why we had stopped at her store in the first place, I could tell I was about to be sick and her little convenience store was the closest place James had seen…and now I felt that same feeling, that same sickness. Something was going to happen.

These feelings weren’t a science, sometimes I felt them and nothing happened, or at least nothing I connected to my sickness, and sometimes things happened without the warning, but I had learned to listen anyways. It was my Sign, the entire Earth communicating with me, sending me hints of what was to come. I couldn’t see the future like James, I didn’t have prophecies or visions or anything close to as accurate, but I still knew things. Nature made sure of that. The world whispers things to people who listen, and I knew tonight would be dark.

I was terrified that my sickness meant James was in trouble, that he had gotten into something too big even for him, but I had no way to check. I had tried his phone throughout the day, but it was off. I had tried to talk myself through my fears, tried to convince my mind that James shouldn’t be underestimated, that he could take down anything the city had lurking in it, but things had been different lately, the murders, the gruesomeness of it all…the city was becoming more perilous, worse things seemed to be convening there. Something big was coming, I could feel it. It wasn’t until evening that I realized what my feelings really meant…Jordan.

I sat across from her in the woods as she vainly trying to reach a Sign that was still hidden from her, vainly trying to keep my own mind off of all the ways James could be in trouble in the city when suddenly it made sense. Jordan had already essentially died twice with the clan and if it weren’t for James’ and my healings, she would have died before her first week was up after Nevaeh overestimated her strength. Even her fight with James would have killed her, should have killed her. I hadn’t asked, but from her scar and the multitude of blood I had seen on her, I figured James must have given her a lot of his. Blood sharing solidified the bonds in clans, and James and I had so often had to share strength and blood I sometimes felt like he was more my pair than Nevaeh. Blood is usually only given when someone has a mortal wound…and that meant Jordan had been close to death more times in her short stay with us than I had been in my first entire year with James. And she hadn’t even left the safety of the manor yet!

It wasn’t James the world was warning me for, it was Jordan, I was sure of it. She had been distracted all day, probably by James’ absence, but I didn’t mention it. Instead I called training off early, neither of us had our heads in the right place for meditation or self-searching anyways. I tried to talk to her about my fears, but she brushed them off just like James would have. They were so similar, it was eerie.

The sick pit in my stomach had been growing all day, until I couldn’t even enjoy the food Nevaeh had made. She acted like she didn’t mind, but I knew I had hurt her feelings. I stood in the front room after dinner, staring out at the yard, willing James to come back, for me to see his cocky gait as he strutted across the lawn to the door, but he didn’t show. Jordan would leave soon, I knew she’d make good on her threat to go to the city and find him. I knew she wouldn’t back down now, she was too proud. I sighed as I tried to prepare myself for another funeral. Jordan was amazing at what she did, she learned quick, she was smart and strong, but she had lived so long holding back, holding herself in. It was just too late to train her to embrace her instincts, she just couldn’t let go of what she had lived her whole life thinking she had to be.

Perfectly on cue she came down the stairs looking strangely masculine. She had baggy-dude jeans on, a dark hoodie and skater sneakers, her hair was tied up behind her too, completely hidden. She looked almost worried when she saw me, like she thought I would try and stop her. It was cute, like she thought I was her big brother or something. I suppose I did think of her like that though, like family. It was amazing how quickly she had grown on me, maybe because in many ways she was the female version of James, and he was more of a brother to me than anyone else in the world. I loved James in the deepest form of the word, and maybe that had run over to Jordan as well. She was so similar to him, except nicer, it was impossible to not love her. And she was so new to this world. I still saw looks of wonder on her face at times, it made me feel protective of her, and proud when she overcame an obstacle. Everything about her either brought admiration or care to my mind. That would just make her death even harder.

I knew I couldn’t convince her to stay home though, one of the downfalls of her being so similar to her partner; she was as stubborn as a mule. And arrogant. And reckless. And a whole slew of other things that would probably get them both killed. Instead of even trying I simply gave her a Call, though I doubted it would be able to help. Maybe I was just torturing myself, making sure she would be able to ask for saving, even though I wouldn’t be able to get to her in time. Making sure I would be able to hear her ask for help, when I couldn’t give it. Maybe I was just making sure I would feel guilty for her death and be able to blame myself. I was good at that.

She told me I worried too much, just like James had a thousand times. And then she was leaving, and I was sure I would never see her living and breathing again.

“Niabe on ire has.” I said under my breath, pleading with any being listening; the Earth or Heaven or Hell. It didn’t matter. Jordan looked at me for a moment, as if she had understood, but I knew she hadn’t, she didn’t know enough Spoken. Even I only knew the phrase because of James, who seemed to be practically fluent in the forgotten tongue.

“Return to Heaven or here.” I repeated to the empty entryway after she had left. I went up to the roof to smoke shortly after.


	21. Chapter 21

**Can you hear the silence?**

**Can you see the dark?**

**Can you fix the broken?**

_Bring Me The Horizon - Can You Feel My Heart?_

 

My old car looked out of place in the large detached garage that housed the Clan's vehicles. Next to the dark SUV I saw in my store and the little red convertible Miata I assumed was Nevaeh's, both sparkling, my car looked even more ancient than it was. Even if it wasn’t pretty though, it was reliable. I patted the dirty hood as I crossed to the driver side, instantly regretted the decision and wiped my hand on my jeans.

The city loomed ahead of me, the sun almost below the horizon, just peeking over. It gave the city’s tall buildings a dark gleam I found beautiful. This was my favorite time of day, the dark end of twilight fading into black, coating the city and dampening the signs of ordinary life. I parked on the outskirts of the city, far from downtown and the nightlife that was probably just beginning to rustle to life. Drunks and hookers would be coming out soon, and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with them tonight. I fingered the knife in my pocket, glad to feel it’s cold, smooth surface, before pulling my hood up and starting out across the lamp-lit streets.

The city felt odd to me. Something was off, different. The thought drifted through my head that it wasn’t the city that had changed. Nothing seemed magical anymore, the streets were still beautiful, but the allure was gone…maybe because I had had something more enchanting on my mind all day. Despite being back in my city, I felt on edge, I could feel each heartbeat pulse through me, feel every breeze pass over my skin. Each movement in the shadows, every unnatural noise, nothing went unnoticed. I don’t know why, what had changed, but I felt like a predator. I found a smile pulling at my mouth, and I tucked my knife up my sleeve for quicker access, just in case.

I passed by numerous warehouses, windows black or broken, abandoned cars on cracked concrete and fences plastered with trash the wind had blown and discarded there. It was strange to think that the world was still the same to so many people when everything had changed for me. I walked without a final destination in mind. I just went wherever my feet led, turning at cross streets, weaving between brick buildings, I even ended up walking a couple new streets I didn’t recognize. There were very few people out, probably because of the chill in the air, but the few I did see kept their distance as usual and for once I was glad. These weren’t the people I wanted, I wasn’t looking for a pick-pocket or street criminal to practice my new skills on, that would be too easy. I was looking for something more worthy. I don’t know when my walk turned into a hunt for something supernatural, something evil, instead of a search for James, but it had and I felt drawn to whatever it was I sought.

Soon I found myself in a seedy area, one I usually stayed away from because it seemed too obvious a cry for danger, but tonight I didn’t care. I was pulled there, as if my body was on a string and I was following it to its source. Suddenly something in the air wasn’t right, and the Call felt heavy in my pocket, but I couldn’t imagine the embarrassment of calling on Kael for no reason more than ‘I felt weird’ so I ignored the eerie feeling and focused on my surroundings.

I was near the back of a bar when I felt it, a small tingle, almost like a breeze, but something more, like when static makes your hair quiver. I stopped and listened, but there was nothing different, just a quiet street, too quiet. No drunks, no bums, not a soul. I continued my walk, but kept my eyes moving, scanning the shadows. The feeling grew as I moved towards the industrial sector at the city’s edge.

Finally, it morphed into something I recognized, something familiar; James. But it was different, even from this distance, I could feel his fire, the static turning to electricity, but there was something painful in it. There was an uncomfortable feeling that made my mind cautious. He was angry, angry and violent, but it was so much more than mere violence…a black bloodlust, his mind was thick with it, with dark needs and sick desires. I sped up my pace anyways, closing in on the source, to the wire pulling me towards him, no longer a string, but something stronger, something capable of sending his current directly into me. My heart felt giddy despite the monstrous feelings of his mind, and a tight feeling lurked in my throat, as if a laugh was there waiting to escape. I had found him! And he was okay. I hadn’t even realized how anxious I had been, but Kael’s worries had clearly spilled over into me.

My skin burned as I turned down a dark street, the usually pleasant feeling was now scalding. My skin felt hot, like I was too close to a fire. I nearly sprinted down the road, my eyes locked on an alley’s entrance about halfway down the block, my body sure that that was where I would find him. As I reached the alley’s opening and skidded to a halt, the feeling was almost unbearable, and I had to clench my jaw to stop from crying out.

The feeling was so much stronger than I had ever felt before, pure ecstasy running over me, burning so bright I felt like I would combust, so hot I would melt. I had never understood just how close pain and pleasure could be until that moment, until the feelings were intertwined in me. My heart was pounding and I could feel his presence seeping into me like a drug, filling my veins and giving me an energy that rivaled how I felt when he had called Rogziel.

The scene in the alley was difficult to discern. There were two men fighting, but it was only a blur of movements, impossible for me to pull apart. I couldn’t even tell which James was, though the feeling of power and anger pulsing through the air had me sure that one of them was him. Suddenly something metal flashed in the moonlight, like an extension on one of the men’s hands, it came away red. I still wasn’t sure which was my partner, but I had the feeling he was the one who had drawn first blood. Both men had their hoods up but the way my eyes were drawn to the almost poetic, swift movements of the first man made me more and more sure it was James. I felt frozen in place, mesmerized by their movements, taking in the pure beauty of the fight. I saw the other fighter’s mistake as soon as he made it, and James reacted just as quickly. The enemy stepped awkwardly on a pile of garbage, not enough to make him stumble, but just enough to give James an opening. James took it and pulled his fist up into the other man’s abdomen.

The angle was just right for the moon’s light to illuminate the scene before me, like they were on a stage for only me to see, and I finally saw what the flash of metal had been. It was a knife that came out over the top of the center of James’ fist. James twisted his arm and I heard the man gasp in pain. Crimson poured down James’ hand and his unique weapon glistened in the pale light.

James hissed something at the man he had pushed up against the wall and the man let out a low chuckle. It was strange to see a reaction like this, my pair didn’t seem like the sort of opponent one laughed at. In response James shoved the knife deeper, the man’s head jerked back against the brick wall from the force of the blow and his hood fell. I had to stifle a gasp at what I saw. The man’s face was sunken in at the eye sockets and his small eyes looked like a lizard’s. They were a terrible green color that looked sickly and his mouth had a long, black, forked tongue crawling from it. His teeth were spaced like a zipper, gaps between each to be filled with the other half of his jaw. His skin had an odd thinness that almost made it look transparent, everything about him was ugly and frightening, like a monster from a children’s story, come to rob you of something you loved.

In horror I realized my small exhale had drawn attention, first from the thing pinned to the wall and then James slowly turned his hooded head towards me as if his neck was tilting without his head’s permission until I could see his dark eyes and the disbelief behind them. He looked like he was wishing I wasn’t there, like he would rather have seen anyone else at that moment than me. In an instant his face morphed into the monster from my dream with black glistening eyes, all the light chased away. He was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen, and though he looked nothing like an Angel, I still would have believed he belonged in Heaven. He looked more demonic than angelic, but I had always found beauty in darkness, and he was dark, as if nothing good or pure could possibly live in him. The others’ Shifts were frightening and powerful, something to be jealous of, something to admire, but James’, his was beautiful, his was somehow complete, somehow more real than the others’. His was perfection.

He turned back to the thing against the wall and violence was etched into each line of his taut body. He brought his free arm up, which also had a knife coming from his hand, and let it hover just in front of the monster’s neck. James growled something low to the Demon-man again and there was a pause before the thing replied. His voice was smooth but inhuman, his s’s strung out as if painful.

“You ssshould worry about your little friend, sssire, not my massster.”

The threat was apparent in his voice. The thing almost sounded gleeful, even with James’ weapon skewering his middle. I pulled my knife from my sleeve and flipped it open, suddenly feeling vulnerable, what if there were more of him, of the Demon-man lurking in the alley? Is that what he had meant? Is that why he laughed?

James must have had the same fear and I saw him tense at the mention of me. A half-second later he involuntarily glanced in my direction; that was the first mistake in a fight I had ever seen him make. He lost his focus, his attention split between me and the monster he had against the wall. The Demon kicked up his knee into James’, weakening his balance before shoving him back with an unnatural amount of force. A loud crack filled the alley’s silence as James’ head hit the opposite wall. He collapsed against it, clearly dazed from the impact as concrete crumbs cascaded down on him. The Demon-thing sprung towards him and without even thinking I threw my dagger. I saw it fly through the air as if time was altered, but for some reason I felt calm. I knew I had thrown it true. I knew James was safe the moment the knife left my hand. It gracefully flipped through the air, gaining speed as it raced for its target.

The monster never saw it coming. He hadn’t thought of me as a threat, neither of them had. The blade hit home regardless and stuck in the creature’s neck, the only vital part of him I had a clear shot at from my side-angle. He staggered to the side and dropped to his knees, sputtering and clawing at his throat in surprise while blood poured down over his shoulder, a look of pure shock on his disgusting face. The monster in me jumped with joy at seeing the blood and pain I had caused and I felt a grin form on my face as I walked over towards the men, seemingly rediscovering my mobility. The Demon was now on its back, writhing as James crouched over him. As I came closer I heard what he was saying in a low, dark voice.

“Name! Give me the name of the one you follow. Then I will kill you quickly, mercifully. Or…” James paused and looked down at the creature, before raising his hand and staring at it. He flipped it over as if he was searching for something on its surface, a moment later white and blue flames materialized, sending distorted shadows onto the alley walls. The fire hovered just above James' palm. He was certainly giving a good show. “…you can make my night a little more interesting. I haven’t heard a Serpentine's shriek for a good long while, music to my ears that I’ve missed dearly.”

The creature tried to lift its head off the ground but I stepped on the handle of my knife, pinning him where he lay. He let out a hiss of pain and his eyes darted between James and me, fear in their unnatural depths.

“I’d do what he says, you’ll like my plans for you far less.”

I gave the creature a smile that probably rivaled James’ usual predatory smirk.

The scent of his blood hit me like a wave as I stood over him; a sweet but burnt smell, almost Human but richer, without the metallic undercurrents. It was strange but not entirely unpleasant. I felt something shudder inside of me and then the world changed. I could hear the man’s labored breath as he bled out before me. I could hear his heartbeat fading. I could smell the sweat on his skin, the shadows seemed to flee wherever I looked and the world was thrown into shades of ice and ash, color drained as my vision sharpened. I felt a pinch in my mouth and realized it was my own teeth, stretching, tearing into my lip. The logical part of me was terrified, but some other part of me, the larger, stronger part of me was calm, even excited, like I had been waiting for my dark to take over for a very long time, like I was finally being me, acting as myself for the first time in my life. I felt an unbelievable power rip through me, like I was invincible, like I had nothing to fear in the entire city because I was the most dangerous thing on the streets.

James glanced over at me and a small smile played with the corners of his lips, his sharpened teeth just barely visible, a hellishly beautiful sight.

“Down, girl.” He purred to me, as if I were his pet before turning his head back to the man fading on the concrete before us.

“She’s the twisted one out of the two of us, real sadistic, disgusting stuff. You should be glad I’m here to temper her.” James said in a teasingly cautionary tone, as if the Demon’s well-being was of utmost importance.

“Don’t play with me, sssilly underlingsss!” The creature spat. “You’ll find my massster when he wissshesss to be found, not a sssecond before.”

James cocked his head to the side and watched the bleeding creature for a moment. Finally he shrugged and spoke.

“Suit yourself.”

And in one unbroken, frighteningly swift movement, he brought his hand up to the creature’s neck and dragged it across, splitting the skin, which appeared to be honeycombed with small scales. Blood sprayed and poured out as the creature stilled. I heard his heart stop a few seconds later. The smell of blood was overwhelming and something in me ached to feel its warmth, its slick thickness coating my skin. I took a step back, trying to hide my thoughts, embarrassed by them and worried James would somehow sense them.

James glanced up to me with a look of concern, the blood sprayed across his face didn’t help settle me and I found my back against one side of the alley, the damp, cold bricks pushing back on me.

“Angel, it’s okay, it’s hard to come back the first time, just focus.” He said in a quiet, calm voice.

Suddenly he appeared inches in front of me and pinned me against the wall, his body a crushing force. His hands came up to my face and forced me to look up at him. His eyes glistened darkly as he flashed his teeth at me, each point gleaming in the alley’s dim light.

“Watch me. Follow and do what I do.”

Even though it was James there with me, a friend, or at least not an enemy, something in me couldn’t stand being held down like I was, being confined, and I struggled against his weight. In an instant he wrapped his arms around me in a steel bear hug and pushed me into the wall, laying into me, leaving me trapped between him and the bricks as he stared down at me.

“Look at me, watch me do it. Focus.” He murmured the words, sounding almost breathless as he quietly spoke.

I looked up and felt immediately pulled into his eyes, like he was able to wash away my feelings of captivity. Even in my black and white vision I felt like I could still see the deep, dark blue of his eyes as they slowly became normal again, the whites returning to their edges. As I looked at him I noticed it wasn’t just my imagination, my jaw slowly began to feel normal again and color crept back into my vision. The power and bloodlust I felt receded, sinking back into me somewhere, but unlike before, I was now aware of its presence, like I could call on it at any time, like my Gift.

After a few more seconds James dropped his arms and flashed the most beautiful, brilliant smile I had ever seen. He looked proud of me, like a man might look at the woman he admired. He was so beautiful my breath caught in my throat. He looked like a real Angel, not the descendant of a monster. In a flash the smile was gone though, not a trace of it left behind. He straightened and backed away, giving me space and the warmth of where his body had touched mine flew away with the brisk night air. He cleared his throat before speaking.

“Good job, you controlled yourself well for it being your first Shift. I’ve seen firsts go badly, the desires can be difficult to direct the first few times. I’ve seen Darklings turn on their own before. I was expecting a little more fight from you to be honest. I apologize if I hurt you.”

I hadn’t even noticed, but my arms ached where he had pinned them to my sides, I didn’t admit it though.

“I’m fine, and thanks.”

I hurried to think up a change of subject.

“What will you do with the body?”

I turned to where we had left the creature, but nothing was there but a pile of grey sand.

“We’re called dust-makers for a reason, any demonic being killed by one with Angel blood turns to dust; they don’t go back to Hell or any afterlife, they just cease to exist, becoming the dust from which we came. Pulvis et umbra sumus.”

“We are dust and shadows - Horace.” I said quietly after a few beats of silence hung between us. James looked a little shocked at this, whether it was because he had gotten lost in his own thoughts and forgotten I was there or because he hadn’t expected me to get the reference, I couldn’t tell.

“You aren’t the only one who likes depressing writers.” I said with a sly smile. His eyes took on their signature amused look and I knew we were back on safe ground.

“We should get home, Kael wasn’t very happy you left him out of today’s adventures.” Understatement of the year, I thought to myself.

James let out a small groan at the mere thought.

“Kael can be such a little child sometimes. He’ll probably be sulking all day tomorrow.”

I couldn’t quite picture Kael as a kid, but the thought seemed entertaining enough that I socked it away for a time when I could put more effort into my imagination. James wiped his face with the sleeve of his jacket, rubbing most of the blood off before he muttered a word I didn’t recognize and started walking towards the main street.

“Was that an Angel name? Are you okay?”

I tried to keep most of the concern out of my voice, since I knew my fear for his safety was completely irrational.

“Just a little scratch, I think I’ll survive.” He teased at me.

“I could try a heal? It couldn’t hurt at least, right? I mean…might as well practice.” I replied casually, but James chuckled and I felt my cheeks burn.

“Wounds from Demons, or from something with demonic energy, can’t be healed with Angel’s blessings, they won’t touch anything so dark. Heaven doesn’t heal Hell, merely endures it. I’ll have to get Kael to help me out when we get home. He’s a very good healer, with or without Angel’s aid.”

“So you’re just going to walk home with, with some…”

“Scratch? Yes, unless you’d prefer me to curl up in a gutter and die.” He replied dryly.

“Well can’t we call a cab or something to get you home faster at least? My car is halfway across the city.”

I was starting to feel worried, James’ complexion didn’t look right and his gait next to me seemed stiff and slower than his usual cocky strut. Something in me felt tight, a physical warning trying to get my attention.

James spoke in his same dry voice, clearly trying to minimize the situation and convince me to drop it.

“And how would we explain the blood? Any cab driver seeing me bleed all over his backseat would at least be suspicious, even in this part of town. At the best he’d drive us straight to the hospital. At worst-” James waved his bloody knife at me- “he’d see these and drive us straight to the police station, neither of which I plan on going to tonight. No, we’ll just walk. Hour to your car? Like I said, this is nothing.” He gestured down at his left side, clearly trying to make his point heard but all I saw was a boy trying to act tough.

"We could call Kael?" I offered one more logical option, but James merely glanced over at me like I was being dramatic, not bothering to grant a reply.

His eyes had their confident glint, but I was positive I saw pain in them too, something I had almost believed he was incapable of feeling. Kael’s comment about James acting like he was immortal came to the forefront of my mind and I realized I had begun to believe the same. I glanced at James again as we walked, there was definitely pain in the lines of his face, though he was attempting to hide it well. I shrugged when he returned my look and acted like I had forgotten all about his 'scratch' as we walked.

I gazed up at the stars, slowly drifting closer to him, as if I simply wasn’t paying attention to my feet’s path. I waited until he seemed to no longer be watching me before I lurched at him and unceremoniously pulled his sweatshirt up around his chest. He yanked it back down, but not before I saw an ugly red gash that ran down his side. It was shallow and he had clearly dodged its lethal intent but it still looked like it would require stitches and the side of his jeans were slick with blood. It ran down his abs in thick lines and my stomach jumped into my throat at the sight. I glared up at him and even the feeling of his warm skin under my hands couldn’t stray me from my war path.

“I’m calling a cab.” I said with a determination that dared him to argue.

He seemed to know it was a lost cause, or maybe he was finally realizing that he truly was seriously injured, and merely gave a short nod, consenting. He looked pale, almost a grey color that had my stomach in twists. He had an odd look on his face as I turned to call the taxi service I usually used, but I didn’t have time to decipher it.

After I relayed our location and told them to make it quick, I hung up and sat down on the curb, motioning for James to do the same. I had never been the motherly type, but in that moment all I wanted to do was care for and comfort him. I knew it wouldn’t go over well though, so instead I tried to act as unconcerned as was humanly possible while my partner and the only person I felt truly connected to on the Earth bled out next to me.

To keep my mind off of his pain, and the blood leaking from him that was making me nauseous, I let the flood of anger in that had been smoldering just beneath my consciousness, burning to be let free. I had never felt this kind of rage and it half-scared me, the other half of me felt a calm peace in the middle of the dark anger. The strangest thing was that the feeling didn’t seem to be an after-effect of my Shift. It was all directed at the creature for hurting James, for cutting him, for trying to kill him and rob him from me. I wished I could tear him apart, rip him into little pieces while he was still alive, while he watched parts of himself become detached. I wanted to hear him scream, hear him beg for mercy, beg for death. I couldn’t believe it was possible to be so angry at something that was already dead, that I had killed, or at least had a part in the killing of.

Getting hurt was part of the job and I couldn’t get wound up every time one of the clan had an injury. James had made it clear to me that pain and suffering were commonplace in their lives. James pulled me out of my contemplations by poking my hand, which had balled into a tight fist at my side during my thoughts of the creature.

“Relax, first Shifts are tough for everyone, just relax.” He said in a soothing voice, as if _I_ was the one that needed comforting.

Suddenly I remembered what I had wanted to talk to James about, one of the reasons why I was wandering the city streets for him. I had been so focused on the fight and then on James’ wound, it was like my mind had been wiped of any previous concerns, I couldn’t even muster up any anger for how he had treated me that morning.

James laid back on the curb, his legs stretched into the vacant street. He had his arms wrapped around his middle in an attempt to look casual, but I knew it was to reduce the bleeding by putting pressure on his wound. I decided to take the plunge and took a deep, stabilizing breath.

“This isn’t from my Shift, it’s because that _thing_ hurt you.”

I paused for a second, glancing down at him. He had one eye squinting at me, the other closed, as if he had been trying to sleep.

“What do you know about True Pairs?”

I looked ahead as I said the words, not wanting to see his reaction. There was a long pause before I heard a small groan and James pulled himself up into a seated position next to me.

“They’re very rare, they often share Gifts and they’re the same percentage, usually. They make each other stronger and work excellently together. Somehow they’re tied to each other, connected in some way that isn't explained in any writings or lore. We don’t know why they are the way that they are or what causes True Pairs, but they are very powerful. They’re said to be the strongest kind of Fallen. That they are what true Angels were like, a community, a oneness that no one can match, a joining that creates true power. Some say that Fallen, Darklings, aren't actually full creatures, aren't complete, that only True Pairs are, that they require the other to be a being, but there's no basis for that. Why?”

I could feel him looking at me, but I kept my eyes forward. The electricity and fire that had dimmed since the battle in the alley intensified once more as it ran over my skin and a small shudder of pleasure ran up my spine at the sensation.

_You think we’re True Pairs, Angel?_

The thought was quiet in my mind, a gentle question. I dipped my chin slightly, still looking straight ahead.

 _I do too_.

This I hadn’t been expecting, for some reason I thought it would be a battle to get him to agree, that I would have to make my case to him, present mountains of evidence, hours of arguing.

I looked at him and his eyes looked genuine, no walls or arrogant edge and even his usual amused or bored looks were gone. A second later a white and blue taxi pulled up and the moment was gone. James grimaced slightly as he stood and walked to the car, his arm still wrapped around his stomach, his knifes hidden up his sleeves. He didn’t look back but somehow I knew he was trying to regain his armor. I felt like he was frustrated at how easily it slipped when I was around him. I could tell he was afraid of becoming weak. All of his fears of what could happen in the future leaked into my head and then there was something about that man with the dark laugh, Ambriel’s killer…

_Get out of my head!_

His voice filled my mind and his sudden rage made me shrink back. I couldn’t understand how he had changed emotions so quickly. He was halfway in the car when a flash of anger welled up in me. How dare he be mad at _me_. _I_ came out here to find him, _I_ may have very well saved his life, _I_ may very well be his True Pair, but just because he was too scared to be honest, he was going to try and be an ass and shove me away? Be mad at _me_ because I cared about what happened to him? He was going to act as if _I_ had done something wrong? Hell no.

“Why not block me then?” I yelled out after him, my anger growing with each second I thought about how cowardly he was. That he would rather yell at me to leave him alone than just talk to me like an adult, like the partner he was supposed to be to me. That he would rather live his life alone than risk letting someone get too close.

He stuck his head out of the door and opened his mouth as if to speak, but then glanced ahead at the driver and seemed to think better of it. He looked irritated but said nothing until his thoughts flew into my head once more, no longer darkened by anger.

_Get in._

Even though I would rather have argued any request he made, his injury was still at the forefront of my mind, and I didn’t want to waste any time being stubborn. I settled into the spacious back seat with him, glaring straight ahead for a moment before I tried to pry into his mind once more, just to annoy him, hopefully annoying him into answering my earlier question, or throwing up a block. He glanced over at me, twice, sending what I assumed were looks of warning, but I ignored them. Suddenly it dawned on me, either from my own realization or he had thought of it and I had stolen it from his mind.

“You _can’t_. For some reason you _can’t_ block me, otherwise you would have already.” I whispered to him, triumph painting my words.

He scowled straight ahead, refusing to look at me but for some reason his scowl wasn’t as intimidating as expected. After another beat of silence his thoughts flooded into my mind.

_The more we’re around each other, the more you learn, the stronger you get, and the more difficult it is to block you…I still can, I just don’t have the energy right now, considering my circumstances. Sharing blood connected us, even more so than we already were. When I gave you my blood it solidified the bond we already had. Maybe you haven’t been able to tell, but I have, and I just can’t keep you out right now._

The cab driver glanced back, clearly waiting for James’ response to my whispered statement. I had never been very good at whispering.

I leaned over and spoke in as low a voice as I could.

“You expect me to believe you’re too weak to block me but you could have made it _all_ the way home on your own? On foot?”

At this James threw his hands in the air, finally goaded into speaking in an aggravated half-whisper.

“It’s not physical strength that blocks Gifts, it’s energy. I used a lot with the Serpentine and earlier tonight and I’m not going to waste what I have left on you. It’s taking more and more energy just to keep you out, it’s…it's just not worth it. That’s how you knew my suspicions about you the other day, in the kitchen, before our…misunderstanding. I thought I was using enough energy to keep you out, but I was wrong and you broke through too easily. And then I gave you my blood, a part of me, so it takes even more to keep you out.”

I smiled and sat back, fully satisfied that I had won, a smirk on my face.

“You’re very annoying.” James said curtly, but his voice sounded mildly amused.

“Well, I’m your pair, seems only natural.”

He let out a breath of air that was a cross between a sigh and a chuckle and leaned his head back, closing his eyes. I was still a little worried about his wound, but at least we weren’t out on the streets anymore.

After a few minutes of silence something drew my attention down James’ body and I noticed with horror that there was a wet stain glistening through his sweatshirt now and even though the material was dark, it was still noticeable. I quickly yanked my own hoodie up over my head and draped it across his middle. A tired little smile played at the corners of his mouth but his eyes didn’t open.

We were halfway home according to the scenery outside my window when I noticed James’ breathing had quieted, I looked over but I couldn’t see any part of him, he had pulled his hood up and was turned slightly towards his window. I saw that his chest was still rising and falling so I tried to calm myself by gazing back up at the stars, but I still had the nagging feeling that something was wrong. I glanced at James again and saw a barely visible tremor, like a shiver, causing his arm closest to me to shake. I reached out and touched him, lightly, as to not wake him if he was asleep. He was freezing cold. I snatched my hand back in shock. The cab driver looked back at me from the rear-view mirror.

“Everything alright, ma’am?”

I nudged James, but he didn’t move, his chest was still moving but it seemed slow and with difficulty.

“Uhh, yeah, I just need a little air, too much to drink tonight, you know. Could you roll the window down?” I flashed him the most convincing sweet-girl smile I could muster as I fumbled Kael’s Call out of my pocket.

“’Course now.” The man said as my window slowly crept down. I bent down in my seat, acting like I was messing with my shoe, to hide from the driver’s view.

“Lyt-mar.” I told the little ball, just like Kael had taught me to command the Call to listen. “Kael, we need help. Something’s happened to James, he’s hurt. We’ll be back in a few minutes, be outside and ready please. Um, bring Nev, we’ll need her Gift…cab driver.” I whispered to the little grayish marble before I sat back up and casually draped my hand out the window, letting the Call fall to the pavement.

Thirteen minutes later we pulled up to the edge of the clan’s woods, which must have been where James had directed the driver before I'd gotten into the cab. The driver glanced back again.

“Are you sure your friend’s okay? He isn’t really moving.” He sounded incredulous.

“Yeah, just tired…and drunk.”

The man nodded, as if this was typical of his evening fares. I pulled some cash out of my pocket for the fee before looking out the window anxiously. Where the hell were Kael and Nevaeh? Almost as if they had heard me, they appeared, walking out of the woods’ cover. The driver took one look at Kael’s hulking form coming from the shadows before looking back at me.

“What are you playing at, girl?” He said nervously.

“Nothing, everything will be fine. They’re just helping me with my friend.”

I figured it didn’t matter if I contradicted myself at this point, Nev would wipe the man’s mind soon enough.

“He’s hurt, badly, these are my friends, they’re just going to help get him inside.”

“Inside? We’re in the middle of the woods!”

The man looked like he was close to panicked now, but I didn’t have time to deal with it. I hopped out and ran over to James’ side, opening his door and getting my first look at him since he had fallen into his coma-like sleep. He looked peaceful and I was relieved he didn’t seem in pain anymore. A second later Kael and Nev arrived. Nev went straight to the front, to the driver, and Kael came up next to me.

“What happened?”

His eyes were worried as he took James in, but his voice was even and calm.

“I found him in an alley in East Town, fighting some…snake Demon? He said he was hurt and then he…he just fell asleep in the car. He’s cold and won’t wake-up. He’s cut and he told me Angel names wouldn’t work. He said something about a Serpentine?”

My words came out in a rush, anxious to get everything out, any and all information that might help. I could feel panic welling up in me, it felt strange, not feeling in control, not feeling complacent with what was happening.

“Fuck.” Kael said under his breath. “We’ve got to get him home so I can figure out what’s wrong.”

At this Kael hoisted James up and walked towards a large spruce, I could just see the bumper of their black Lexus SUV sticking out from one side. Nev seemed finished with the driver and within a minute we were all in the car and moving up along the hidden dirt drive that led to the manor.

James was in the backseat with me, leaning on me heavily, completely still except for the slight rise and fall of his chest, and his tremors, the shiver. He looked so young, so innocent with his head on my shoulder, his hair pushed to the side. He looked like a different man without the hard edge in his eyes, the sneer on his lips. If you had asked me a day earlier, I probably would have said I’d like to see him without those guards up, but I didn’t like it. Seeing James without his armor made him look vulnerable and I couldn’t stand the sight of him like that, I couldn’t bear the thought of him fragile. I pulled his face into my hair and laid my head on his, wishing I could do more to make him comfortable, to get him back to his usual, arrogant, powerful self.

For some reason my actions felt natural, his head fit perfectly in the dip of my neck and chest. His hair smelled of smoke and mint, but there was an undercurrent of sweat and blood that made my stomach clench. I tried to close my eyes, but images of James’ face, cringing in pain, tears of blood rolling from his eyes, or his motionless body lying cold and dead in a white bed made me stare out the window instead.


	22. Chapter 22

**It's the nothing that kills**

**I can't save you**

**Control is something out of mine**

_As Cities Burn - Of Want and Misery: The Nothing That Kills_

 

I sat on my bed most of the night, staring out the window and thinking about what would happen to the clan if its leader was gone. Kael had told me to leave, so he could focus on helping James, he said he would come get me if he had any questions I might be able to answer or if there was any change. He hadn’t called on me yet though. Even Nevaeh, who seemed to not care about anyone or anything but herself, wasn’t asleep. I could hear her soft music drifting across the hallway until close to four.

I tried to keep my mind busy, thinking of anything but the possibility of losing James, of losing my True Pair, my partner. I wasn’t even a slightly spiritual person and I had never been a fan of religion, but I begged whatever was out there, whatever higher power there may be to save him, to give Kael the knowledge to know what was wrong, to give James the strength to pull through. I figured if there were Angels maybe there was some kind of a god too.

I had never been faced with something like this. I had never cared about another person, not like this at least. And it was more than that, James was my True Pair, not just my partner but something more and even though I didn’t know entirely what that meant, I could feel it deep in my spirit, my being. I could feel that some part of me was dying, being ripped away. Not quickly like a severing, no, this was a slow tear, as if every moment one more tendril couldn’t take the strain and snapped. Like a razor gradually pressing into skin harder and harder until it slowly broke through each layer. It was torturous.

I could physically feel that something was wrong, that James was losing whatever battle he was silently fighting inside himself, stuck in his own head. That was the worst part, I _knew_ he wasn’t going to come back in one sense, even though I couldn’t admit it to myself. I felt nauseous, which didn’t surprise me, seeing a drop of his blood made me faint, and now most of it was either in the backseat of a city cab or soaked into his sweatshirt and jeans.

I shut my door around five, no longer expecting Kael to come get me. I shut my window too, and drew the blinds, and then the curtains. I hadn’t cried, really cried, since I was a little girl, about little girl things, like a skinned knee or a harsh word, but I felt my face begin to warm and I didn’t fight it. I curled up in the bed that wasn’t really mine, hugged a pillow into me and silently cried hidden under the covers.

I cried for so much, I tried to tell myself it wasn’t just for James, it was the stress of this life, the changes I had been through, the future, the unknown, the new things I did know, the pain Kael and Nevaeh would go through…but I couldn’t convince myself. I knew I was crying for only one thing; James. I was crying because I cared for him, whether we were connected in some mystical way or not, he gave me a reason to live. I was crying because nothing scared me more than losing him, even if I couldn’t understand why. I was crying because I loved James, as irrational as that was after such a short time, I still knew it was true. I cried because he wasn’t ever going to know it. I was crying because the only thing I had ever truly loved was dying and I couldn’t do anything about it. I cried myself to sleep, wishing and praying to a god I didn’t believe in to save him, to let me take his place.

\---

I woke up to a half-world. I didn’t understand what was going on, nothing made sense, everything was foggy, everything except the pain. Pain like ice radiated in every possible way through my body, all too real. My head shot bolts of it down the length of me, my heart sent fire through my limbs, my stomach felt like it had been torn apart by splinters of glass, even the air seemed to put a torturous pressure on me, sharp yet crushing. I felt like crying out, screaming at the pain to leave, begging it to kill me instead of forcing me to suffer through it, but I couldn’t get any air in my lungs. They felt full of liquid, boiling water that expanded and rippled, scalding new places with each wave. I felt hands around my neck, but nothing from this world, I was sure I felt a monster’s claws squeezing the life from me. I felt raw skin on my back, hanging off grotesquely as if I had been whipped and I couldn’t even move my hands to comfort it, each finger felt broken and held in unnatural positions, some missing. I felt a tear slide out of the corner of my eye; it felt like a razor, slicing through my cheek as it fell, burning a trail, boiling skin off bone, peeling back as it charred. And then there was a glimmer of relief, of reprieve from the pain, just for a moment. A feather light touch of cool skin wiping the tear away, gently taking away the burn…then it was gone, and a sea of needles and fire overtook me once more.

\---

Our leader was gone. There was nothing I could do. I had tried every mantra, every heavenly name, every trick and potion and spell I knew, but nothing changed my brother’s condition. He just lay there, his heart beating slower and slower, his breath coming in shorter and shorter strained bursts, and that shaking. A small tremor that almost looked like it was from cold, except for the fact that James was burning up. This was a fever like I had never seen. He had been freezing in the car, but now it was like his Sign was trying to blaze through him. This was an injury like I had never seen, a poison I had never seen. The only thing I recognized, even though I hoped it didn’t mean what it had last time was the tremor, that god-awful shake. I had seen James tremble like that once before, except he hadn't been unconscious.

 It was our first Halfling, a woman named Ivory. She had been running wild in a small country town in Ireland, killing young men in sadistic ways after she lured them to her house with the promise of a carnal night. Darklings knew it was her, but the Light clans turned a blind eye to her actions because they were afraid of her. I remember I had felt scared too when James told me we were going after her. I had only been with him for six months, and I still wasn’t sure I was a good enough fighter.

He had taught me about Halflings, about how they were diseased, evil monsters. How not a single one could control themselves, how they could be the most convincing creatures on Earth, pure beauty and charm, but were still vile creatures that would rather watch their own partners burn than save them. They would rather cause pain than anything else, even if it was worse for them, even if they gained nothing, they would still cause destruction and pain if they could.

They cared for no one, they didn’t even have the capacity to care. They had no souls, they had no hearts, though they could convince you that they did. They were the best liars, and they were patient, they were pure evil…yet they could hide it perfectly…for a while at least. I had had nightmares just from James’ stories, from his firsthand accounts of the Halflings he had seen in his life, of the monsters that hid behind beautiful faces and sweet words, of the men and women that drew you in until you trusted them…and then tore your heart out of your chest just to watch the shock freeze on your face, just because they enjoyed it.

James knew I was afraid of Ivory, but he believed in me and even said he would be the bait. He said he knew I wouldn’t let him die. I had never gone up against anything more than a sixteenth, but I was loyal to James, and I told myself I wouldn’t let my only friend in the world die. Ivory was powerful, and she had more experience, more years and more Demons under her than anyone we had faced, but I trusted James; he had saved me, he made me who I was, so I followed him. I would have followed him to Hell if he’d asked me to. I still would.

We watched her for days, acting normal during the day, dismembering and torturing by night. Finally James said he was going to become her next victim, and that I would kill her once she was distracted. The plan had worked, James was always good at distracting women and Ivory tended to play with her food before she killed, but I almost choked.

She somehow realized what James was, even with his cloak and all the tricks we had used to hide his powers and bloodline, she had still been able to tell. Like she could smell the tainted blood in his veins. I thought she would kill him right away, but once she knew James was like her, she had used a power over him, something I still had nightmares of to this day.

I had heard of a few Darklings with the same Gift as Ivory, except their strength was like a blade of grass next to a great Redwood. Ivory could give pain, not physically, she didn’t even have to be touching her victim, she just had to give it. And that was what she did to James. One moment he was standing before her, a cocky smile on his face and amusement in his eyes and the next he was on his knees, his back arched and his eyes squeezed shut. That was the only other time I had seen him shake like he was now, when her power was ripping through him.

His entire body had trembled. He later told me he couldn’t make a noise, couldn’t move, the pain was so great it was all he could do to not beg the Angels to kill him right then and there. The woman had stood over him, watching like James was her entertainment as he shook with a pain I couldn't even fathom. I was frozen in my hiding spot, not able to comprehend what was going on. How she could have bested James. I knew Halflings were more powerful, more difficult, but I had always thought of James as invincible up until that day. He had never made a mistake, never been seriously injured. He was the perfect fighter, but right then, seeing him on his knees, helpless and trapped by some unseen enemy. I was almost too scared to help.

Luckily for James, Ivory was rather theatrical, and had slowly bent to kiss him. It was a long, deep kiss, and it gave me time to pull myself out of my shocked stupor. My shot to her heart was perfect, clean and centered. She was dead before her lips left James’.

James hadn’t been the same for many days afterwards. He pretended to be fine, like he always did, but he wasn’t. He was more on edge, more easily startled, anxious. He even flinched away from me a couple times. Pain like that changes a person, maybe not on the outside or in any visible way, but it certainly changed James on the inside, in his mind, like the tendrils of that pain were still wrapped around him at times. I could only hope that the similar shake I was seeing now wasn’t from the same cause as the last time. I couldn’t imagine James going through something like that again, especially for such a prolonged period of time. It had been hours. I couldn’t imagine what that would be like if the tremor really was from some unseen torment.

Finally at five I had to face that there was nothing I could do. I went to Nevaeh and Jordan’s rooms, I told myself I would just let them go in and see him, but I knew I was waking them so they could say their goodbyes and blessings. Darkling’s weren’t expected to mourn death like Humans, and saying goodbye would probably seem silly to most clans…but it just seemed right for James, for the man who had pulled me back from the edge and made me who I was. The man who had taken Nevaeh in when she was alone in the world, and trained Ambriel when she had nothing to offer us in return. The man who was the foundation of this clan, this family, who had always given himself completely to us, to be a good leader, to try and be a good person despite his nature, despite his past. It just seemed right to say goodbye to the man I thought of as my brother.

I had already said my goodbye in a way. I already felt the numbness setting in, like it had after Ambriel. I was familiar with loss. Nevaeh croaked at me through her closed door that she would be out in a minute once she was presentable, but I was too tired and worn out to even be mad at her selfish, vain response. I knocked on Jordan’s door, but didn’t get a reply. I peeked in her room to see the small outline of a person curled up in a ball under the covers. It was heartbreaking, Jordan put up as tough a front as James did usually, and yet here she was, balled up under the covers like a child. I almost let her sleep, assuming it had probably taken her hours to get to bed, but just as I was about to duck my head out, something caught my eye, a small tremble coming from the mound of blankets, as if she was cold and shivering. I swiftly walked into the room and lightly touched the pile of sheets; she really was shaking. I pulled the covers back and saw the same peaceful look, the same slow breathing, and the same terrible tremble that James had. After a moment of disbelief, I shook her, probably rougher than necessary, but she didn’t wake. I scooped her into my arms and ran to the infirmary.

\---

I woke to Kael tapping on my door, even the sound of his light knock sounded defeated. So this was it, James was dying, leaving us just like that. What a selfish little arrogant bastard. He put himself in danger, thinking he was unbreakable, and now look what he did, went and got himself killed. Kael and I couldn’t be a clan of two! And I certainly wasn’t keeping that conceited, stubborn, suspiciously ‘talented’ baby-Darkling around. Kael and I would have to join another clan, and be bottom rung. I hated being beneath others, at least with James I could bear it because I respected him. He was a good leader, someone I was willing to follow…plus his handsome face made it a little easier.

Damn it, now I would never have him either. Damn him. Damn him for leaving me, and Kael. The thought hit me like a tidal wave. Kael had been through so much this past year. When he lost Ambriel I thought it would kill him, I really did, and now this. He wouldn’t survive. I was going to lose my partner. I was going to lose everything for the third time in my life. First my parents, then my sister, now my partner. Damn it, James should have been more careful, he knew how important he was to us, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about his own life and transitively, that means he never cared about us. Arrogant little piece of shit, he never took anything seriously, life was just a game to him and he honestly didn’t care if he won or lost. Well now he had lost, and he was going to take the rest of us down with him.  
            I slid out of my plush bed and wrapped myself up in my silk night robe before stalking down the hallway towards where I assumed James would be taking his final breaths. I turned the corner into the injury wing and froze. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

\---

My world was on fire. I felt my skin melting, my blood boiling, needles stabbed every inch of me and my head felt under more pressure than seemed possible. I felt my bones snapping and pulling from their sockets, ligaments stretching, tearing, muscles twisting and ripping. I heard piercing screeches that I was sure would make me deaf but that was the least of my worries. I was going to die, I was already so close and with every second of my excruciating torture, my will to hang onto life weakened. I began to feel cold, not the cold of the Earth, this was a complete, black cold that seemed to leach my life as it crawled up my legs. This was death. I had always imagined it to be cold, I thought of fire as life, burning bright just to burn itself out one day and become cold ash.

I couldn’t believe this was my time, I couldn’t believe I was so weak that pain and poison could rip me from the world. Without meaning to I thought of my clan; Nevaeh would be furious with me for leaving, she would blame me as if I had done this on purpose just to hurt her, everything was always about her in her little conceited mind. Kael would survive for a little while, but I could only guess at how long he would continue this life before he relapsed and began killing again, a month? Two? Then the guilt would set in, then the sadness…he would join me within a year in whatever afterlife there was. A wave of guilt ran over me and I almost welcomed the cold shadow that was crawling up my chest, at least it chased away the pain, at least once I was gone I wouldn’t be able to destroy anyone anymore.

It was my curse, everyone I cared for I destroyed. I was the poison. I should have taken my own life before it was too late, like I had tried to convince Jordan to do…like she had done. She had the strength to do it, but yet I somehow convinced myself that I wasn’t all bad. I made myself believe the delusion that I could overcome my training, my past, that I was strong enough, but even when I tried the world still found a way for me to curse the very people I tried to save. Just like my first partner. At least Kael would be the last victim of my noxious existence, the final tragedy of my life…

And then I remembered Jordan, how could I forget her; her wide eyes, as stormy as the cloud blue-grey color they mimicked, the slight smile she almost always wore when she was lost in her own mind. The way her body moved in small ways that somehow seemed beautiful to me; the tilt of her head, the small roll of her shoulders, the way she flexed her fingers at her side when she was listening, observing, the curve of her neck. The protectiveness and loyalty I could already see in her, her fight and determination that would be admirable if it was even half of what she had. The way she always held my eyes for longer than anyone else I had ever known, sometimes with a curious look, sometimes sad, and sometimes just a look, free of any underlying agenda. It was amazing to be seen.

Even her defiant nature that shined through in everything she did, the way her chest rose and fell as she used her Sign to calm herself, pulling power from the very air she breathed, even if she didn’t know that’s what she was doing. How could I forget the woman who was my True Pair, my perfect match? How wonderful and rare it was to have a true partner…and now I was leaving her too, before we had even begun. Kael wouldn’t be the last to be destroyed by my death…she would be. She was strong, I knew this, but could she weather this? How strong was our bond after such a short time? She would never be as powerful as she could have been, but maybe she wouldn’t be completely destroyed, maybe I hadn’t been around long enough to have an irreversible effect. Maybe she still had hope, maybe my poison hadn’t set in yet. But then I remembered sharing my blood, cutting my wrist and giving it to her lethal wound when she had tried to end her own life. I had linked us then, bonded our blood for life, bonded our bodies. She wouldn’t survive my death. She would slowly wither away, lose her mind without her other half. The mere thought broke my heart.

Her face came to my mind then, fiery determination in her stormy eyes, glaring at me to not give up, to hang on to life just a little longer, to grab it just a little tighter. And then there it was, something tugging at the pain, something pulling the cold death away from me. I pushed and with the help of the ghostly pull, I felt it receding, the pain almost became bearable, the chill slunk down my legs again in a reverse of its earlier climb. And the dark waters I had been buried in started to become shallower…

\---

I stopped dead in my tracks in the doorway of our little hospital. There was Nevaeh, sitting on the edge of one of the beds, looking bored, and then there was James, eyes open, looking alive as could be if not a little dazed. He sat with his legs over the side of the bed, his bare feet on the floor, his elbows on his knees cradling his head, hair hanging in his face. His coloring was normal again, and though there was still a sheen of sweat on his chest and shoulders, the bandage where I had tried to patch up the wound looked to be healing, my potions finally working.

James looked up with a look of slight confusion, but mainly childish victory on his face, his lopsided grin looking cocky as ever, as if to say 'see, I told you I can’t die'. I wanted to hit him and hug him at the same time. But then his eyes dropped to the unconscious bundle in my arms and his face changed, he leapt off the bed, winced, and came towards me, steadying himself on the foot of the bed.

“What happened?” He demanded, with more urgency in his voice than I would have expected, from him at least. He didn’t sound like his usual cool, calm, collected self, in fact his rushed words and anxious face looked rather un-James-like.

“I don’t know, I went in her room to wake her to…wait, what happened to _you_? How are you awake? How are you aliv…I thought you were gon…Nevaeh, you…”

I didn’t even know where to start and my stammering was beginning to make me sound mental. I restarted.

“She was unconscious and shaking when I went in her room, I grabbed her and came here and then…well then I saw you and we had this conversation.”

James looked about as baffled as I felt, and it was strange to see such an unguarded emotion on his face. It almost seemed like the real James had been replaced with this…this normal person. The shock on his face quickly morphed into a moment of raw pain, then fear, then James seemed to control himself.

“She’s shaking.” He stated in a serious tone, his face a stony mask, the old James back. “Was I?”

“In the exact same way.” I said somberly, my fears from earlier seeming to rematerialize.

\---

Kael laid Jordan in the bed next to the one I had been in, I pulled up a chair. Kael tried to help her, but I knew what it was that had her, the same thing that had had me. I told him to leave, nothing he could do would make a difference anyways. Nothing had for me, nothing until Jordan had somehow pulled it into herself. Could True Pairs do that? Could I take it back from her? Kael left at my order. Nevaeh had already stormed off once she noticed everyone was getting more attention than her, she didn’t care what happened to Jordan anyways. Sometimes I wondered how someone could be so vile, so terrible, and yet not go dark. She was the worst good Darkling I had ever met.

I closed the door behind Kael and sat next to Jordan, I tried to focus on her and her alone, I tried to find some supernatural hold on her, something I could try to rip from her, some way I could take back the death she had taken from me, but there was nothing. No presence, no power, no anchor, nothing. I held her burning hand as she lay trembling on the bed. I just sat there, useless.

Something caught my eye on Jordan’s face and I felt my stomach contract; a tear. She was crying. A small sparkling tear fell from her eye, winding its way down her cheek, I caught it and gently brushed it away. I felt a wave of emotions beating at my walls, but now wasn’t the time to break, now was the time to be strong. I built up my blocks, my armor, all the tricks I knew to bury my emotions. Later I would let it out, later I would let the realization that the only person I needed in this life had died for me. Later I would torture myself, I would welcome the pain…but not now. Jordan had taken this for me, to save the clan. She had done something so selfless it wouldn’t be right to mourn it. To weaken myself with the burden of emotions. The only way I could repay her was to make my life worth her sacrifice, to make it worth her death.

I clasped her hand in mine and laid my head on the edge of the bed. I was exhausted. I was worn down further than I could ever remember feeling and I welcomed unconsciousness, a break from life, from pain, from thinking, from everything, almost as peaceful as death.

\---

There were whispers in my head, a whole chorus of them, little voices that hissed and snarled at each other. I don’t know when they started, but soon they grew and were impossible to ignore.

_No! She’s not the one. What do we do? Can we take her? No, he’ll be angry with us. She took it. But how? The Collector will be angry. We lost it. Where did it go? How did it escape? He doesn’t want her broken. He doesn’t want her like this_ _. How did it get away? Where did it go? I don’t know, I had my claws in. It shouldn’t have been able to escape. Master will be so angry when he hears we failed. What do we do? I don’t know. Do we let her go? We have to, we can’t keep her. Only him, Master will be mad if we take the girl. He wants her, he needs her. He doesn’t want to have to bring her back. Master will be so angry with us…we have to let her go, we have to…_

I pulled in a glorious breath, gasping the cool, fresh air of the world. I had never tasted air so divine, so clear and crisp, so real. It was truly amazing, the place I had been was stale and dark, this air was light and new and everything good about the world. I gasped in a second breath and my eyes flew open. The first thing I saw was James’ face, pure shock on it as if I was a ghost. I smiled at him but his face didn’t change, he continued to stare at me with the same disbelieving look on his pretty face.

He was leaning forward, his forearms on my bed and his head hovering just above his hands clasped together. His shocked face had a look of confusion on his furrowed brow, a look of disbelief in his eyes and almost a suspicion in their corners. I tried to sit up, but wisps of my experience still clung to me and the pain made me stop halfway and lay back again. James continued to stare. He leaned back into his chair, still staring at me, his eyes shifted away for a moment to the end of the bed, as if he was looking for an answer in his mind, then his eyes came back. He opened his mouth, closed it and crossed his arms over his chest, still staring in silence. It was strange.

“Hi.” I said, confused on what exactly had happened, what was currently happening and how I should handle James’ odd behavior.

James swiftly stood and was out the rolling doors within two seconds. Now it was my turn to stare mutely. My mimic was short lived though, as ten seconds later Kael strode through the doors, followed by James, who was almost dragging a disgruntled Nevaeh behind him by a firm grip on her upper arm. He closed the doors behind them.

“Sit.” He said to Nevaeh, as if she was training a puppy.

She sat on the edge of the bed obediently and crossed her arms over her chest with a pout. Then James turned his attention to me.

“Who _are_ you.” James’ voice sounded guarded, suspicious, and to be honest confusion was setting in on me and I was beginning to get frustrated.

“I’m Jordan, nice to meet you, again.” I said with a little too much bite in my voice. I continued. “Better question; how are you awake? Alive? Last thing I remember you were a hair away from Hell and now you’re fine? I was in my room, I fell asleep and then…I’m here now, and so are you. So how about you answer my questions before you ask any more silly ones?”

By now I glanced around the room to notice Kael looking as baffled as I had ever seen him. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes kept flicking between James and me as if he wasn’t sure which of our miraculous recoveries was more interesting.

“I woke up, that’s about all I know. I was poisoned by the Serpentine and then…it was gone.” James still sounded guarded and it hurt me a little bit. Was he going to act like the alley, the street curb, had never happened? I wasn’t sure what had happened to me, it was all just a fog, but I remembered the pain. All my memories swirled into a dream state, something I couldn't grab at, couldn't hold for long enough to remember, but I knew I had been close to death. Did he know that? Did he care? James spoke and pulled me from my thoughts like he so often did.

“I woke up and then Kael came in carrying you, he said you were asleep and he couldn’t wake you. You had similar symptoms to me. I uh, I watched over you for a little while and then you…well, you just woke up, just now.”

It was strange to hear James stammer like this, he was never lacking in cool, collected, usually demeaning words, but something seemed off about him now. He glanced to the ground multiple times during his explanation, another action that was distinctly unlike him.

“Well, I woke up just like you did. So I guess the poison wore off, maybe I somehow had some in me too. It probably just wasn’t strong enough to do much more than make us lose consciousness, that’s all. Simple solution.”

Wrong. I knew what I had just said was a lie, and if James and I had truly had the same symptoms, the same poison, then he would know I was lying too. I prayed he would get my story and run with it though. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t know how much the others should know.

James stared at me for a moment longer before nodding slowly as if he was deeply considering my words. He was a good actor.

“I guess so. No harm done then, sorry for the scare.”

He turned to Kael with his signature amused look on his face, amused, like this had all been a joke to him. One corner of his perfect mouth turned up into a cocky smile.

“Hope I didn’t ruin your night, brother.”

Nevaeh made a noise like a frustrated scream while keeping her mouth closed, giving it a muffled sound and stormed out of the room, presumably to get what was left of her beauty sleep. Kael just stared at James, his mouth closed now before shaking his head, black hair swaying before his eyes, and walking out, swearing vehemently under his breath.

James watched him go and his face changed slightly, it was almost imperceptible, but his cocky look was only a cover and I suddenly found it easy to see underneath to the profound sadness. James turned to me and the sadness intensified. If I looked at all of him; his powerful stance with his feet far apart and his shoulders back, chest out and his arrogant smirk, the slight squint of his eyes that made them look teasing and entertained, it was easy to miss the sadness, but if I just looked into his eyes, they betrayed him completely. He had certainly put a lot of effort into his posture, his default mask. He was quite convincing.

“Where did the poison take you?” He asked me seriously, though his face was still set in a cocky, carefree pose.

“What do you mean. I was just asleep.”

I tried my best to lie convincingly, one of my many talents that seemed to fail in James’ presence. That’s when I noticed it, his presence, there was no fire, nothing at all.

“You’re blocking me? Why? I thought it wasn’t worth the energy…and you don’t look like you have much to spare.” It was true, James looked exhausted, another well-hidden fact that I was suddenly finding easy to uncover.

“Because, I want to know some things before you slink around in my thoughts.”

The suspicion was back in his voice, in his eyes.

“You still don’t trust me? I _took_ the poison from you. I know I did, you know it too. It’s the only explanation. It was excruciating, it was more pain than I’ve ever even imagined could exist and I _took it for you_ , I took _death_ for you. I was willing to die for you and you _still_ don’t trust me. You have problems.” I said angrily, realizing as I said the words that it must be true.

“How do you know you took it? How do you possibly have that power? It’s not a True Pair thing, I know because I tried to take it back and I couldn’t. So how could you? How could you possibly pull it from me like that? I felt you, when I was…I was almost gone and then I felt something pulling, that was you, but how?” James looked half-angry, half-confused and it reminded me of a child becoming frustrated by a riddle they couldn’t figure out.

“I prayed.”

This got James’ full attention and his brow furrowed as he looked at me hard.

“I begged whatever was out there, Angels, gods, whatever, to let me take it from you, to trade places with you.”

I made the split-second decision to not tell the real reason why. I couldn’t even imagine my embarrassment if he knew my irrational obsession with him. I hadn’t figured out my own emotions and I’d be damned if he knew about my feelings before I completely did. Besides, his moods were consistently inconsistent and I wasn’t sure of how he would react if I came clean. Most likely he would never speak to me again, become more of a ghost than ever. Most likely he would try his hardest to avoid me and that was something I couldn’t risk.

“I knew the clan would fall apart without you, but I’m new, I’m not even a real member yet. I mean nothing to the clan so I made the executive decision to take one for the team, so to speak.” I said this lie as casually as I could, hoping that for once he wouldn’t be able to see through it.

James stared at me indecipherably, standing completely still, as if he wasn’t even alive, as if he was just a statue of the real James, made to commemorate him after his death. Then he spoke.

“You were going to die in order to give the clan their leader back, the leader you just met, the clan you barely know, the clan you just said yourself you aren’t really a part of yet. You were going to give up this new life you just discovered you had…to help strangers. People you didn’t even know two weeks ago?” He paused before he continued, as if he was trying to wrap his head around the situation. “You took the poison…because you thought you should ‘take one for the team’?” He sounded unconvinced now, as if he couldn’t even imagine someone willingly acting in such a way.

I nodded, not trusting my voice in the current situation, worried I had been caught.

James spoke again, but his voice was so low, so quiet, I almost missed what he said. “You…are a fool, a completely stupid, absurd, illogical, irrational little girl. And if this is how your mind works, you'll be utterly useless to this clan. You are too weak, weak and foolish.”

I stared at him in stunned silence for a moment before I comprehended what all he had said.

“Wait, what? No ‘thanks’, no ‘good job looking out for the clan’? All I get is an insult? Really?”

By now his words had sunk in and I was livid. What was he thinking? I had just saved him, twice in one night, and he wasn’t even grateful? I couldn’t believe my ears. How could he possibly act like this? He was a smart man, he had some speck of intelligence, and yet he was acting like my loyalty was a curse. He was acting like the villain, like any good work was blasphemous and I should be ashamed of it. I knew he would act the same, give his own life to save any member of his clan, or I had thought that was who he was, what he would do, but maybe I only wanted him to be that, to be a hero. Maybe I had blinded myself with delusions because I wanted to believe them.

“You, you are such an ungrateful…I, I don’t even know the word - child, that’s it! You are such an _ungrateful, pathetic, little child!”_

I was practically screaming now and for the first time in my life I couldn’t control it, I didn’t even want to. I couldn’t believe James was saying this. I couldn’t believe my _pair_ was saying this. I guess none of our previous talks, none of the glimpses of a true connection…I guess none of that had been real. He was just a selfish, broken man who couldn’t even fathom doing something for someone just because it was the right thing to do, just because they had a heart. Sure, I had done it because I loved him, but he didn’t need to know that. He didn’t even deserve my love, and I would do everything in my power to stop giving it. He would never return it anyways, like he had said, people like him don’t love. People like him aren’t even capable of love.

“I’m sorry I even saved you. Go to hell.” I spat with as much venom as I could muster before storming out of the infirmary.

\---

My plan went about as expected; Kael was disgusted with me, Jordan despised me, Nevaeh was just as horrid as usual. Perfect, the world hated me, and the sun rises in the East. I sat in the infirmary for a little while after Jordan left, after she had made her feelings quite clear. If only she knew how much I sometimes wished I really could just go to Hell, just end it. If only she knew how often I felt like I was already there. But I couldn’t give up, I knew that, just like hours earlier had proven. I was vital to the clan. If I left, if I died, the others would fall apart. They were the sole reasons I kept living, the only tie I had that bound me to my life, the only thread stopping my apathy-covered self-loathing from taking over.

I was sickened with myself, Jordan had laid down her life for me and I had thrown the gift in her face. But what choice did I have? If she was willing to die for me then I had a large problem on my hands. You didn’t sacrifice yourself for someone you didn’t care about, and I knew from experience that caring about me was the worst decision, the surest path to destruction. I had had my worries that she was growing too fond of me and I had worked extremely hard to kill those feelings in her as often as I had the willpower to. I had been cruel to her on a multitude of occasions since her arrival just a short time ago…but then there had been other times, only a couple, but they were still there. There had been some times when I just couldn’t resist the pull of our connection. I didn’t have the discipline, the strength to push her away.

Now I realized that if I truly cared about the future of the clan, if I truly cared about Jordan at all, I had to stop with the inconsistencies, stop with the guilty pleasures of showing her how I could be, or how I wanted to be, for her at least. I had to be her leader, nothing more. Not her friend, not her True Pair, not anything more. I would rather have her hate me than love me. I almost laughed at the thought; Jordan loving me, what an awful, miserable joke that was.

\---

I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, fantasizing about kicking James in the teeth, bashing his head into a brick wall, punching him in the throat, and a whole slew of other things that would surely be unpleasant for him. My mind was so full of hurt and anger I couldn’t even begin to try and find reasons for his actions. I just didn’t care why he said what he did, why he acted so horrible so often. I just didn’t care anymore. He acted that way and regardless of his reasoning, I was tired of it. He wanted to push me away, he wanted to be alone in his self-destructive ways? Fine. He was just a terrified little man who froze at the thought of someone caring about him. He was a selfish, arrogant child who had never been taught how to care about anyone but himself, how to give or accept love, how to truly _be_ with anyone. He wasn’t even a real person, just the pretty shell of one _. It's hard to see the broken pieces past such a pretty face._

If he wanted to push me away he could, I wouldn’t fight it anymore. I had too much dignity to try and force my love on someone who didn’t want it. I gave up, he won. I wanted nothing to do with him outside of being a fellow clan member. So much for enjoying challenges, I thought to myself bitterly. I didn’t want him as my True Pair, I didn’t even want him as my partner, but that was unavoidable. The best I could do was grin and bear it, pretend he was just another person who I had no additional feelings for, positive or negative. I would act like nothing had happened. I would act like he was no one to me, just another person, just another boy. I could do that. The opposite of love isn’t hate, its indifference, and that’s what I would give him; no emotions, none at all. And eventually it would be true, eventually I really would feel nothing for him. Fake it till you make it. I always had been good at faking it.

One thing was for certain now at least, I didn’t have to debate on whether I could or couldn’t tell James about my visions, my dreams or any of the other strange things happening to me. No, I wouldn’t tell him anything. How could I trust him with information like that? Information he could use against me. No, I would make my decisions on my own. He was no longer on my side, if he ever had been.

My life was mine alone, and I would choose what paths I walked, I didn’t need his input anyways. Now I just had to find out what my own input would be. I pulled one of the slim black books Kael had given me to journal in and began to write. I wrote all the options I could think of; leaving the clan, finding another, joining the Fallen man, going rogue. I had a lot of potential paths before me, but for some reason I couldn’t imagine truly leaving. Even just entertaining the idea in my mind seemed wrong. Whether I liked it or not, this was my home. That didn’t mean I couldn’t leave the lines of communication open with the dark-haired man though, not that I knew how to close them in the first place.

Something fuzzy lingered in my mind, a message I had heard, a glimpse through the pain, the poison, but it was impossible to grasp, to remember fully. I knew it was all connected. I had the eerie feeling that this was all the same trial, the same battle, just taking on different fronts. Had the voices, the poison, been from the Fallen? Had he spared me? The Collector? The memory of his name sent a shiver down my back, one that stayed buried in my spine, tingling, unnerving me.

I would just have to wait, wait and see what would come to pass. I would keep my options open and choose whatever was best for me in the end. James had made it painfully clear that looking out for anyone besides yourself was stupid. Being a team player didn’t seem to be held in high esteem, so be it, I would play their game by their rules…and I would still win.

Some part of me, deep down beneath my ‘loyalty’ to the clan, beneath my involuntary feelings of belonging, had the itch of being drawn to the dark man, to his power, to his promises. I wasn’t sure if this was my nature trying to pull me down the wrong path, or my gut pointing me in the right direction. There were so many times James and the others had talked about our nature as something we had to fight against…but then James had also said our power came from our dark, our nature…he had said our power was _in_ our darkness, our evil nature. He could never just give a straight damn answer.

Even deeper than my thoughts of Ambriel’s killer was a little voice in my mind. A little voice planting seeds, seeds I tried to ignore. The voice said I wasn’t a good person. I had always known that, and yet now, once I had proof of how broken I was, I was trying to fight it more than ever…but for what? Why? I wasn’t good, I never would be, not really at least…why should I pretend? Why even worry about my actions? It’s not like I had some conscious, like I was trying to avoid guilt. I had no guilt. I had no soul. If I was born evil, maybe I should consider the option of just living the way I was meant to live, living the way I was created.


	23. Chapter 23

**And the truth is**

**I'd rather be**   **blind**

_Sleeping Wolves - Blindfold_

 

Life continued and slowly I began to form routines, as if everything was normal, as if it was ordinary. Days turned to weeks, then a month. The leaves changed, then dropped, as did the temperature. James and I avoided each other like oil and water. Kael and Nevaeh trained me. I woke up, worked myself into the ground physically, then turned around and worked overtime mentally trying to remember, memorize and tap into all the ‘Gifts’ I supposedly had. I fell into bed each night like a corpse, woke up three or four short hours later and did it all over again.

I felt like a walking bruise. I broke more bones in training than I even knew I had, I lost more blood, withstood more pain, and took more beatings than seemed humanly possible, but Kael always healed me, and the next day I was almost always back to normal. I was amazed at what I could take, at what I could handle. There were so many things I had no idea I was capable of, so many things I probably hadn’t been, not before the clan, before their blood called out to mine. I felt less evil too, the darkness was still there, always there, but it wasn’t crushing me anymore. I wasn't hopeless anymore, I wasn't self-loathing or listless. I could even handle my hate for the world around me, my need for violence. Maybe I just finally had an outlet for it. I sometimes went a whole day without daydreaming of torturing or killing some poor nameless victim. It was nice to not feel like a monster.

Then there were other times, when we worked with my Shift, with changing. It was the most amazing feeling I had ever had coursing through me, rivaling even the fire of James’ presence, but it had been so long since I felt that, I'd almost forgotten it. I kept my Gift off the few short times we saw each other in the weeks after our miraculous recoveries, after our fight. I told myself the Shift felt better anyways, and unlike James’ electricity, I could direct when I felt the power of the Shift, when I wanted to bask in the ferocity of it. I was the one in control. It came easy to me, just like archery and knives and my Gift, though I still couldn’t reach my Sign. But even with that small frustration it was like I was finally living the life I was born to live and it was amazing. Even with the pain, even with the seemingly impossible choices I was facing, even with my partner, my ‘True Pair’ avoiding me, with us loathing each other, life was still good. For the first time ever, life was good.

I always thought I didn’t want to be the same five years in the future as I had been five years in the past. I didn’t want to live in a loop, with each day like the one before and the one after. I remembered how I had sometimes felt like each day was on repeat in my old life; I worked, I ate, I slept, but that was all. Life was just life, and most days it didn’t seem worth the effort , of walking on, ever on towards death, but that had all changed. I still had routines, more so than ever actually, the schedule of training was constant, but my life still seemed worth it now. I felt alive now. I wouldn’t say I loved life, but compared to how I used to feel, this was the closest to loving it I had ever felt.

The killings in the city all but ceased, and the trail was cold, the police baffled, at least that’s what Kael told me when I asked. There wasn’t much activity within the clan while I trained. Kael said it was because James wanted to focus on getting me in a suitable condition for being a true member, one who could stand on my own in a fight. He made it sound kind, but I could only imagine the way James had said it, with a sneer pulling at his lips, his lopsided smile, the smirk reflected in his dark, mocking eyes. I threw myself into training partially just so I could prove to him that I could do it, that I could succeed, that I could flourish, even without him. My proudest moment was when Kael stopped in the middle of a sparring match, sweating bullets after I had been besting him almost all afternoon. He simply told me I was the best he had ever trained, but I knew what he meant; he meant I was finally better than Ambriel. In those few words he said so much more, like he didn’t think I would die anymore, like he thought I had a chance at truly being a permanent member of the clan, like I had real talent, like I belonged here with them. What he had meant was that I was a worthy partner of James. Even if he hadn’t said it, I knew.

Autumn wilted into deep fall, which began to slowly turn to the beginnings of winter, no snow, but days were chilled and the nights often froze. James didn’t go out as much at night, I don’t know how I knew, I just did. He stayed in his room more. Sometimes at night when I couldn’t sleep, if I still had too much adrenaline in my veins or if I had used an Angel name to keep myself up so I could work more, I would go downstairs and train on my own. On more than one occasion, I would get halfway down the stairs and then hear James in the gym, working and training on his own. On nights like those I would simply lay in bed, staring at the ceiling until morning came and I could train again, knowing he wouldn’t be there.

I didn’t like the nights he was down there, it gave me an odd mix of emotions. When I would go days without so much as a glimpse of him, it was almost like I had no emotions. I was only training and sleeping, learning and fighting and I liked it that way. It was robotic, it was easy. But then I would see him, or hear him, or even just think of him and the emotions would return; anger, hurt, loneliness, longing. It was better to just bury it all and pretend they didn’t exist, and burying everything he made me feel was easier when I could pretend _he_ didn’t exist, just like he was pretending _I_ didn’t exist. I knew we would eventually have to be around each other, after my training, once I fought with him in the real world, but that didn’t matter, with each passing day we were becoming more and more numb to each other, eventually it would be natural. Eventually he would mean nothing.

\---

The sun was nowhere close to rising, winter days were short, but I didn’t mind waking up to the dark. Today seemed different as soon as I opened my eyes, but it was close to ten before my feelings were confirmed. James called a meeting and not one with just me, or me and Nevaeh like he had been doing for the past six weeks, no he called the whole clan...even Jordan. We seemed an awkward group congregated in the living room, but luckily James and Jordan seemed to be ignoring each other completely, as usual. If I didn't known just how long this had been going on, if I didn't know just how deep these wounds ran, it might have actually been comical, like a lovers’ quarrel.

James quickly explained that he had received a message from a Red Darkling that wanted to meet with us that night. I was fairly surprised when James said we were going to Blood that evening, a well-known Gothic club in the heart of the city. It was known for having strange guests, yet amazingly, I had never been. I wasn’t much for dancing. James didn’t look thrilled by the night’s plans either, but the set of his jaw said his hands were tied, something I knew he hated. He hated not being in control, but Night Children were all about etiquette and appearances, and if one of them had invited us to a meeting, hopefully to share useful information about the killings or lack thereof, it would be seen as insulting and untrusting to change the venue or terms of the conference. James wasn’t always the most delicate in situations like this, he didn’t do well following others’ rules, but it seemed that he was at least attempting to play nice with their request. His lip still pulled up slightly as he described the plan, which included Jordan.

Apparently the Red Darkling had heard of our newest clan member and was intrigued. He only extended the invitation if our entire group graced him with our presence. I had heard the rumors swirling around about Jordan, some of which I may have leaked myself. Whispers that she was gifted in almost every area. That she hadn’t been found until she was past two decades. That she could be more dangerous than James, less predictable. That she had killed a Serpentine before her first Shift. That she had come back from a Demon poison. That she had let James kill her, then bring her back. That she had never killed a Human, and her bloodline was unknown. That she never left the clan’s estates, maybe our prisoner, maybe a hermit, maybe insane or merely a myth.

The twists to the truth were to be expected, she never did leave the grounds, but only because she was training so hard, so long, so frequently. I had never seen someone train like her, it was like she had some kind of goal in mind and she thought she had to get there in a set amount of time, like she was racing towards something, some finish line. She was, second to James, the best fighter I had ever seen, the strongest Darkling I had ever had the pleasure of working with, but she was cold, there was no life in her anymore. Rarely did she laugh, rarely did she even smile, and when she did it was only her mouth. I knew she faked it for me often, but deep down, something was missing in her, something was broken. It reminded me of James in some scary ways, how he wasn’t right, how he was somehow less than a person, empty and hard. I ignored the thought. She was just adjusting in the best way she could. I should know better than most that emotions were not exactly a strong point in Darklings.

As James explained the plan for the evening, the plan of bringing the entire clan on a little fieldtrip, his slight sneer turned into a full blown scowl, but Jordan simply looked on with a placid look on her face as if nothing had changed. Nevaeh looked to be thoroughly enjoying the exchange, as she had been for the past month and a half. She was always in an oddly good mood lately…it made me nervous. When someone like my sister was so smugly happy, something must be terribly wrong.

James held a moment of glaring eye contact with Jordan, his eyes narrowing. She just gave him a blank smile, almost like she wasn’t even looking at a person, but a pretty object. He scowled deeper and looked away. I had to bite my lip to stop from smiling despite myself. Yes, it was sad that our clan was so wildly dysfunctional, but these two were certainly the most entertaining partners I had ever seen and with Nevaeh thrown in the mix…well, tonight would be interesting, maybe I would actually enjoy our evening’s adventure.

\---

Jordan sat on the couch in front of me as calm as a corpse and the porcelain scar cutting across her neck, standing out against her tan skin and the waves of her dark hair almost made it believable that she really was a cadaver, sutured up and filled with preservatives. It made my stomach tighten. She would be a beautiful corpse one day. She looked like eighteen hours of training a day was a cakewalk. She looked rested and strong. She gave away nothing, her face didn’t show any worry, anxiety…not even the resentment I knew she felt towards me.

I could almost believe none of our past was real, just a horrible nightmare, no talk of True Pairs, no near-death, no excruciating pain, no sacrifice, no fight. She looked so calm it was almost eerie. If she kept up this stony exterior, the Night Children were sure to like her. They tended to like pretty things, especially cold beauty, after all, that was what they were known for. I almost felt proud of how well she was handling all that had been thrown at her, but I pushed the feeling from me. It did no one good to admire someone I was supposed to feel nothing for. Admiring something I couldn’t have would only bring about more pain, and I had had enough of that for even my masochistic designs.

The note from the Reds was irritatingly polite, as if they were inviting us to a dinner party, not a sweaty club full of post-teens pretending they were ‘dark’, like they even knew what it meant to feel evil, to be damned. Sometimes I had to agree with Nevaeh; Humans could be such silly creatures. The invitation asked us to meet at the club, to enjoy ourselves and when our host was ready, his servants would ‘gather us’ for an audience with him. I hated how it was worded, like we were wild flowers to be picked. Reds were strange, probably because most of them were so old. They had both the powers of Night Children and Darklings; the only catch fall being that Angel’s turned their backs on them and they could no longer call on their names. I had considered becoming one a few times in my past, but I had no desire for eternal life. I had no desire for the life I was currently living and this one would hopefully be much shorter than eternity. Plus it was frowned upon by many Darklings, and though I wasn’t heavily connected to my kind, being exiled seemed like it would only make my plans for this life more complicated, even if I gained some useful new strengths along the way.

The particular Red we would be meeting was fairly new to the species. The last time I had seen him he was still only a Darkling. He had mentioned his intentions of becoming a Child of the Night then, but I hadn’t taken him seriously. Apparently he'd changed since the days when I called him friend and by the grand meeting place and the wording of the letter, it sounded like he had risen through their ranks quickly. If it wasn’t for the fact that Jordan was required to join me, I might have actually looked forward to seeing my old partner, though I left him on less than amiable terms.

Jev was the first Darkling I came across after I left home, or at least the first I hadn’t killed. He was the first person I had ever called ‘brother’, the first of my kind I had ever trusted on some level, not quite like Kael, but almost. I hadn’t seen him for years, he tended to stay further north than I did. I didn’t like the cold. Even the early winter that was slowly crawling towards us was too cold for me, not that I couldn’t handle it, I just didn’t like it, and winters always drained me faster. The downfall of being so closely connected to my Sign, at times it weakened me instead of strengthening me. I couldn’t wait to get out of the damned city and head south. I heard of some disturbances in Thailand, they were warm this time of year, but I knew I was just kidding myself, I couldn’t leave the city until the killer, the ambushers, and whoever was behind it all, were dead at my feet, their blood on my hands, their souls back in Hell where they belonged.

I pulled my mind back to the tasks at hand, part of me was almost uneasy about meeting Jev; he knew things about me that my current clan did not. He also could have changed much more than his blood in the last few years.

My lifestyle had become too restrictive for him and once our clan fell apart, once the possibility for power became unlikely, we went our separate ways…that had been over four years ago. We got along initially because of our similarities, which now could work in his favor or against him depending on where those similarities had led him. I wasn’t exactly a good role model. I accepted years ago that if I met someone as twisted as myself, as soulless, as hopeless…that I would kill them. It was simply a double-standard that I was still living, that I hadn’t killed myself. I absently wondered how the evening would play out as I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling.

I could just barely feel Jordan with my Sight, if I closed my eyes. I could almost see her lying in her own bed, two stories above me, staring at her ceiling just as I was. I wondered what she was thinking of, if she was still just as mad at me. I knew the answer to that though; of course she was. How could she not be? She didn’t seem like the most forgiving type, too much pride. I rolled over onto my stomach, trying to see if the new angle would lessen the feeling of her on me, it didn’t. She was like a virus, taking over more and more of me, and it hurt, real physical pain, a slow rot.

I heard a knock on my door, Nevaeh, I could feel her there now. I hadn’t noticed her approaching because I was so focused on Jordan…again. I called admittance to her and she walked in, slunk in more like it. She had staggeringly high heels on and a dark, short dress that showed off her legs and made her look more tempting than women on calling cards. She had her hair down around her shoulders, down her back. It was darker than Jordan’s, but it was close. I groaned inwardly, why was I still thinking of her, and her hair nonetheless?

I slid Nev a sideways glance as she sat on the bed next to me, giving me a good show of her legs. She didn’t say anything, so I buried my head in my arms folded in front of me again, breathing in my bedspread and hoping she would leave, hoping she would maybe think I wanted to sleep, or just be alone. I felt her weight shift and her lay back next to me. I turned my head in her direction and saw that she was facing me, lying on her side, her green eyes inches from my face. She had an innocent look on I found obviously forged.

“What do you need?” I asked bluntly, not wanting the equivalent of my half-naked little sister on my bed for any longer than she deemed necessary.

I hated feeling like this, feeling so lonely she almost seemed appealing, almost. If I looked at her as just a body, not a real person, not someone I had history with, not a fellow clan member. Not a horrible, bitchy, spoiled little Darkling…but just a warm body, then I could almost imagine being with her, just giving in and not caring what it mattered. Few of my kind really put much consideration into who they spent the night with, it didn’t actually mean anything and it wouldn’t for me and her. I doubted she cared for it anything beyond trying to get power, or pleasure, or simply gaining her prize. Disgusting. I pushed the thought from my mind. There was no amount of solitude that would make me stoop to her level. I didn’t know why, it’s not like I had any honor to protect, and I knew she certainly didn’t. It’s not like I would be taking anything from her she hadn’t already given or traded numerous times, but regardless, I couldn’t see her in that way.

“Just coming to see how you are. You’ve had me really worried lately. You haven’t been yourself, not since you and Jordan got in that fight. You two seem to fight a lot, or you used to, but now you don’t even speak. She seems difficult, I don’t blame you, dear. Do you need anything? You must be so stressed. You have so much on your shoulders.”

Her words were practically a purr in my ear. She must have been feeling bold because of my recent behavior. Perfect, even Nevaeh thought I was acting weak. I was disgusted with myself, I was tired of trying, I was just sick of everything.

I was about to answer when she placed one of her small hands on my shoulder. She slowly started rubbing my back and lightly running her nails up to my neck and then back to my shoulders. It felt nice and after the initial shock of being touched, it did relax me a little. I turned my head back into the bed, laying my face in my arms, trying to ignore who it was and instead just focusing on the sensation. My mind kept wandering to Jordan, still, and despite myself, I pretended it was her lying with me. I knew it wasn’t real and underneath my carefully composed daydream it still felt wrong, like a cheap play set of a real view, but it was better than nothing. Nothing, that’s all I really had, all I had ever had. I guess a fantasy was better than that, than what I had.

She had both hands running over my back now, and I could feel her lying next to me. I could feel her warmth and it wasn’t terrible. It was strange having someone else near me, or even in my room, but it wasn’t terrible. Maybe having a little social interaction was healthy for me.

“Take your shirt off, James. It will make it easier for me to give you a proper massage.”

Her whispered voice tickled my ear, stirring my hair. I could feel her there, right at my ear, her hot breath on my neck making a shiver try to run up my spine. I didn’t move for a moment, not sure if I should pretend to be asleep, comply, or refuse her request.

After a moment I propped myself up, just a couple inches, and grabbed my shirt at the back of my neck, pulling it up over my head and laying back down. I knew this was stupid, ‘if you give a mouse a cookie’ popped into my head, but I ignored the moral of the silly story Kael so often quoted. I shut out the sensible part of me completely. It felt good and it had been so long since anything felt good. I wouldn’t let anything happen, just a backrub, just an innocent little massage. I could go to any masseuse in the city and get the same thing. This didn’t have to be anything more, even though I knew that’s what she was hoping for. I forcibly relaxed again as she began. It did feel good.

\---

James was on his bed, lying on his stomach diagonally, facing the wall. He didn’t look happy and I felt a little jump in my throat. Jealousy? How could that one little, silly girl upset him so much? He was never upset, or more accurately, he always was, but not like this. I liked his normal upset, the dead look he had in his eyes when he thought no one could see, or the cocky amused look he used to make him seem normal, to cover the emptiness. I greatly preferred that to this new look, this look of disappointment, of loss. It was weak and it disgusted me. At least I could use weakness to my advantage.

I walked over to him and sat, smiling down at him, but he looked away. I decided I should let him speak first, so I waited. After a minute had passed and it became obvious he wasn’t going to order me to leave, which was a positive in my mind, I laid next to him, making sure not to touch him. If this was going to work, I had to just plant the seed, just plant the idea of us being together. I knew nothing would happen tonight, I would act like I didn’t expect or even want it, I would act like I was just here to serve him, just here for whatever he needed. Because I cared. He would need me eventually, especially with his new little pet biting at his leash.

Everything had worked out so much better than I'd expected. I thought that the wench was going to try and steal him, but instead she broke him and practically handed him to me, lonely and in need of some care, some attention. I let him steep for long enough, now was my time. I was good at giving men attention, at making them feel good.

James finally acknowledged me and I threw some words out in reply, something about him needed to be de-stressed, working too hard, needing a break. He gave no reply, but I hadn’t wanted one, he'd never been especially talkative. Instead I lightly rubbed his back, just a little. He tensed at first, but then I felt him slowly relax. It was perfect. I couldn’t have planned it any better. His back was hard under my hands and it was wickedly gorgeous to feel his hot muscles, to feel his skin under my nails as I lightly scratched his neck, just beneath his tangled hair.

I let his weight on the bed pull me down a little closer, acting like it wasn’t on purpose, merely the force of gravity. He felt like a furnace, he always gave off so much heat, probably because of his Sign. I always pictured him as being full of fire, as if it was burning inside of him. I'd heard Fire Signs were the best in bed, but I had never had one, not yet. I had held out for a particular Fire for quite some time, but now…my plan seemed to be coming together quite neatly. I couldn’t get ahead of myself though. I would have to make small steps, to make James see me in a new way, in a way that would allow him to want me in such a way. Easy. Men were so easy to play with sometimes. Even if it took time, I knew I would get him. My prize.

James made a small noise, muffled in his arms, like a sigh, so quiet I almost didn’t notice. I leaned into his neck, just slightly, just enough to get my lips close to his ear. I whispered for him to take off his shirt. This was a step further than I had planned to go, I only planned on a little backrub, but if I could skip ahead one more step in a night, I might as well. And he certainly seemed willing, his exhale had said as much. A moment passed and I started to scold myself, I should have waited until the second time to ask. I didn’t want him thinking anything even remotely sexual was going through my mind, just that I was helping him relax, helping our dear leader unwind. Then to my surprise he actually did it, he pulled his shirt off and went right back to lying next to me, completely still.

His skin was warm, so warm it was actually hot, like his room. The fire was burning on the far wall and it already had my skin beginning to shine, but for some reason James wasn’t sweating. Maybe he was just used to the temperature of his room. Maybe Fire Signs had an internal temp that was different from the rest of us. Regardless of whatever his ideal temperature was, I was relishing feeling his bare skin under my hands. It was amazing. I couldn’t wait to have him, but I would have to. He would be worth the wait, worth the work. The only things spoiling his perfection were the white scars that laced his back, intersecting lines in some places, jagged in others, single points in others. Some were faint, so light they almost faded away and were unnoticeable, but some looked close to new. All were healed, probably by an Angel name. I wondered why he had so many and I had none; Kael could fix almost anything. I decided I really didn’t care where he had gotten them, his stories didn't interest me. The marks ruined his perfection a little, staining him, but I could deal with it. He was still almost as striking as me. We would make a perfect pairing.

I ran one hand down his back with my nails and then back up with the pads of my fingertips, then the opposite with the other hand. I rubbed his neck a little before running my fingers up through his hair. He moved his head a fraction, giving me more room to play with his hair and made another noise, almost a small groan, but too quiet to do the word true justice. I ran both my hands up to the back of his head, letting his hair fall between my fingers, before lightly scratching his scalp as I pulled my hands down to his neck again. He made the noise again, closer to a groan this time than the last. His breathing was slow now and I knew he was close to sleep. I knew he was exhausted, he never rested as much as he should, but I was still disappointed that my first meeting with him was quickly coming to an end. Especially since he was on his bed, shirtless, it made it incredibly difficult to stick to my plan and leave. Walking away from a half-naked James seemed like the greatest of sins, and not the fun kind.

His arm twitched slightly under him, a small hypnic jerk that let me know he was in the earliest stages of sleep. I leaned over him and ran my hands up through his hair one more time, slowly dragging my fingers back all the way down his back to the waist of his jeans as I whispered him a goodnight, letting my breath hit his ear.

I got the result I wanted as a slightly more audible low groan came from his throat, it sent a shiver up my spine. I made a mental note that sleepy James was so much easier to please, when he didn’t have all of his guards up, when he wasn’t so inhibited. I smiled to myself as I got up and left, taking my heels off to make sure I wouldn’t wake him.


	24. Chapter 24

**To speak of love would leave a bitter taste.**

**To offer more than lust would be a waste.**

**There is beauty in using hands to see.**

_Adestria - Defy the Stars_

 

Around eleven the clan was gathered in the front room, everyone except Nevaeh at least, she was still getting ready apparently. I originally had dark jeans and a tank on, and felt quite comfortable, but Kael had clicked his tongue at me in the 'disapproving-grandmother' way of his and rifled through my closet. Eventually he pulled out a short black skirt I only wore on Halloween and flung it at me before stuffing his face back into the void. He reemerged with a corset from a waitressing stint at a less-than-reputable bar. At last, Kael returned from my closet a third time with black heeled ankle-boots and laid everything on the bed with care worthy of a display window. It looked like a gothic hooker’s uniform.

“Hot.” He said with a smirk.

“You would think this is hot. I, however, think it looks like it belongs to a troubled girl whose father never hugged her.” I replied seriously, hoping he wouldn’t push the outfit.

He merely stood there, waiting for me to try it on.

Finally I obliged, might as well. He and I had become close in the past month. I needed someone and he had seemed happy to fill in the roles of friend, tutor, brother and mentor. He would probably never know how much I appreciated his companionship, but I did. Even if I still felt empty inside. Even if I kept him at arm’s length deep down. Even if I still entertained the possibility of leaving the clan after my training was complete. Even if I didn’t want to get close to anyone, he was still there for me, always open and trusting. I knew I’d probably never thank him, but he had so much respect in my mind because of the man he was, he was truly good, though he didn’t look it.

He was decked out in dark jeans, his signature combat boots, a grey tank under a leather jacket and various spikes coming from his ears and lip piercings. His hair was crazy as always, so I figured I probably wouldn’t stand out too much no matter what I decided to wear. Part of me didn’t want to dress in such a way in case James thought it looked silly, but I ignored the idea. I didn’t care what he thought anyways.

Once I had laced up as much of the ‘shirt’ as I could on my own, I let Kael finish and stood back for his assessment. He whistled and cat called until we were both laughing, that had been nearly a half-hour ago though, and now he and I were silently sitting in the front room, waiting on Nevaeh. James was standing by the door, leaning on the frame as he waited patiently. He had been leaning there since I came down the stairs. His eyes taking me in quickly, flicking down and then back up once, before he looked away, avoiding my eyes ever since. He was doing his still-statue thing, where he was perfectly, inhumanly still. I ignored him ignoring me, even though it was difficult. He looked good tonight. He had black slacks on and a black button up…dark colors suited him well.

Finally Nevaeh came clicking down the stairs, close to eleven-thirty, in a short black dress and ski-high heels. She gave James a little smile as she walked towards him, he returned the smile and I felt my insides run cold. There had been something in that smile, in the way he had looked her up and down, slowly, as she had descended the stairs before him, like he was taking in his prom date for the night, or his meal.

“You look nice, sleepy-head.” She purred at him as she brushed past, out the door, he followed her out swiftly. I gave Kael a confused look which he returned for a split-second before the look was gone and he shrugged and followed his brother and pair.

When we got to the car James climbed into the back with Nevaeh and Kael and I sat up front. I heard Nevaeh say something to James and him reply in a low voice, too quiet for me to hear, she let out a breathy laugh as if he had said the most hilarious thing. I rolled my eyes in the front passenger seat. Kael ignored the backseat’s actions and instead asked James to grab the duffle from the back. I heard metal clink before James handed a metal bar up to Kael, who tucked it into a hidden loop at his side. The rod looked like it probably extended with a flick of the wrist, almost like a police baton. Nevaeh grabbed her whip next, wrapping it around her ankle, making it look like a shiny coil of jewelry instead of the deadly weapon it really was. I saw James pull two metal stakes out of the bag, almost like knives, but smoother with a more rounded handle, practically just sharpened bars. He stuck them in similar loops at his hips, hidden on the inside of his dress pants before gazing out the window.

Kael cleared his throat and nodded in my direction. James ignored the hint.

Ten minutes into the drive Kael turned his screamed music down, which he had turned up after multiple attempts to get the car talking had failed, and told James to ‘suck it up and give her a weapon’. I smiled at the tone he had used, like he was the parent of the car telling a brother to give his sister her toy back. Nevaeh was the one that answered though.

“Why? We aren’t going to use these anyways, we won’t have to fight tonight. The blood-suckers won’t let us get hurt while we’re their guests. Besides, she still isn’t trained.” Nev said with a pout at the end.

Kael glared at her in the rear-view mirror before answering slowly, like she was dumb.

“Well, if we have weapons, she should too. It doesn’t matter that we probably won’t need them, if we have them, then she should. And don’t call them blood-suckers, they won’t like that. And I believe she has done just fine when it comes to combat training, so just worry about having fun tonight, not preventing Jordan from having a little of her own. We could all use a night out.” He ended nicely, but the message was still clear.

The point of a dagger appeared a centimeter from my right cheek as James handed one up. I grabbed the blade, since he was holding the handle and yanked it away.

“Careful, don’t want to hurt yourself. They can smell blood.” James said in a teasing tone, the mean undercurrent making it almost sound like a threat.

“Thanks for the tip.” I said quietly as I stared out the window.

Kael made a hand motion I didn’t quite see before returning his hand to the steering wheel. I looked down at my outfit before glancing to Kael with a questioning look.

“Yeaah.” He said without looking. “I don’t really know where you can put that, didn’t think that far ahead…I just can’t believe I got you to actually wear it.” He said with a sidelong look at me that made me laugh again, like it had in my room.

“I can’t believe I even own this.” I grumbled to myself, suddenly feeling a little tricked.

“Give it here.” James hand appeared at my right cheek again and I obediently handed the knife to him, blade first like he had for me. A second later two heavy black bits of cloth fell into my lap from the back seat.

“Better?” James’ smooth voice came from the back. I had to tense up my back to stop the shiver that was attempting to run down it.

Kael glanced over and nodded.

“Those will work, they’re basically brass knuckles, just lighter, thinner and they don’t look so suspicious. Plus I bet a ton of chicks wear lil’ black gloves here as some kind of Goth style.” He chuckled at his explanation to me.

I pulled them on and they did look like a Gothic accessory; fingerless black gloves with shiny metal zipper teeth gleaming on the outer sides. I could feel the metal plates hidden in the fabric at my knuckles but Kael was right, they were thinner and practically impossible to notice in comparison to real brass knuckles.

“Perfect.” Kael said with a smile. “Let’s hope more than that outfit packs a punch.” He said with a comic beat on the steering wheel before muttering something about how he ‘cracks himself up’ and snickering for a minute or two.

Fifteen minutes later we pulled up to a street near the wharf in the city’s nightlife heart. Kael found somewhere semi-legal for us to park and started walking in the direction that loud bass could be heard emanating. I started to follow when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was warm, James’ kind of warm. I turned to see him standing behind me, he had a small dagger, just about as long as a pen and not terribly much wider in his hand. He muttered a word and the edges seemed to melt slightly, making them dull. He leaned forward, keeping his eyes on my face, thankfully. I was about to take the small knife from him to get him out of my personal space when he reached forward and set it in my corset, between my breasts and slid it down so it was hidden. He had a hard smile pulling at one side of his lips, arrogant as usual.

He kept his hand on the top of the knife, holding it with two fingers still as his hand lingered and I gave him a small smile. I tried to hide my true emotions from my face and instead look almost shy as I smiled up at him through my lashes. His eyes skipped over my face for a moment, as if looking for a clue, before I raised my chin and parted my lips slightly. The mean smile on his face solidified, almost a sneer now. When he looked to be a second from pulling his hand back, upset that his plan to anger me had backfired, I grabbed his wrist, and pressed his open hand against my chest. I knew this would distract him, and sure enough he glanced to my hand on his for a moment, his eyes a fraction wider than they had been to start.

Just as I planned, that one moment was all I needed. I breathed Geburael’s name for strength as I put all the force I could into shooting my free fist into James’ gut. I timed it as he was just beginning to exhale, letting his own actions help my cause, like Kael had taught me. We were standing so close, and he was caught so off guard, he had no chance of deflecting it, let alone blocking it, he probably didn’t even see it coming until I made contact.

I heard a rib snap and James jerked forward a little, a strangled gasp leaving his throat, followed by a series of quiet half-coughs. It was the most satisfying sound I had ever heard come from his lips. I had finally been able to hurt him, really hurt him. He wasn’t invincible, it just required a little planning and a well-executed attack. I smiled as I brushed past him, his face practically hitting my mostly-exposed chest from the way he was bent over. Kael and Nev had stopped a few feet ahead when they noticed we weren’t with them and Kael now had a large grin on his face as I approached, nodding his head approvingly. Nevaeh merely sneered.

“Gloves work.” I said casually as I passed.

When we reached the doors of the night club, Kael was still talking about how I had caught James off guard, and how much he had appreciated the sight. I just smiled at his complements, I actually felt a little guilty now. I could have just slapped his hand away, or acted like I really didn’t care. I was supposed to be ignoring him, not letting him see just how much he could get under my skin, that was just more power he had over me, and he already had enough whether he knew it or not. But it certainly had felt good, and now I had an Angel name running through my veins. It was intoxicating.

The club was in an old cathedral, renovated on the inside but still keeping its traditional charm on the outside. It looked like a scene from a horror film. I smiled at the thought as I walked in through the large carved wooden doors. The doorman didn't ask for money, he just looked at me, smiled, and opened the door. Nevaeh got in too; Kael and James had to pay. Kael, ever the jokester, batted his eyes at the bouncer and shimmied a little before shelling out some cash and walking in after us. James hung his head in mock shame as he followed his brother.

James seemed to be walking normally, so I assumed he had used a name to lessen the pinch of his broken rib. I supposed that was for the best. I glanced around the dimly lit club, greeted by the sight of deep red curtains and blacked out windows with a sea of sweaty, writhing dark-clad people in its center. It certainly looked like somewhere one would find Vampyres.

As soon as we were near the main floor a girl with bright green hair and neon blue contact lenses smirked at Kael as she passed, swinging her hips to the music in her torn rainbow tutu. He watched her go, grabbed two drinks off the closest tray and followed.

“Kael! What the hell? Really?” Nev yelled over the music at him, annoyance painted on her sharp features.

“Wha? The message said we should enjoy ourselves before they meet with us…who am I to disagree, that’s rude Nevvie-poo.” Kael only half-turned to answer before continuing after the green-haired girl.

Nev stuck her lips out in a pout and turned to where James had been a moment earlier, but he was already halfway to the bar and either didn’t hear her call his name or ignored her. She acted surprisingly calm though, I had almost been expecting a tantrum, but instead she just flipped her long, sleek hair over her shoulder and looked out at the crowd. She licked her lips once before giving a small smile to some unseen patron. Within seconds there was a man, an extremely handsome man, at her side, apparently the object her smile had been for. He half-bowed and put his hand out like you see in old movies, Nev placed her hand in his and allowed him to lead her onto the floor. Perfect. I hadn’t even been at the club for two minutes and I was already awkwardly standing alone halfway down the steps to the main floor dressed like Satan’s teenage daughter. Perfect.

I stepped down onto the dance floor and tried to scan the walls, seeing if there was somewhere I could stand out of the way, try to blend in, try to disappear. But just about every inch of the place was filled with bodies; people kissing or doing something else somewhat similar, grinding against the wall, dancing in tight knots, leaning in an attempt to look nonchalant, or just standing in groups talking and drinking. I gave up on finding an inconspicuous spot and instead wove my way between people to one of the bars, making sure it wasn’t the one James had headed towards upon our arrival. Almost as soon as I reached the polished wood bar that looked like it might have been made out of old pews, the bartender set a drink in front of me. He ignored the few other patrons trying to give their orders and instead leaned over the bar a little, pushing the glass towards me.

“Hey stranger.” Said a familiar voice. I glanced up and smiled.

“Oh Ajax, I didn’t know you worked here.” I replied as casually as I could to my most recent ex. The one I hadn’t actually broken up with, not officially anyways. I had just stopped talking to him, stopped responding to his calls. He had been fun for a while, he had a thing for violence, violence and blood, that had kept me coming back for close to two months, possibly my longest ‘relationship’ ever, but then he started to care too much and it annoyed me. But at that moment I was happy to see him. I wanted to see a familiar face, I wanted to see someone I could at least pretend I was close to, someone to distract me from feeling awkward in this room filled with people who connected to others on some normal level…though I used the word ‘normal’ loosely in this setting.

I hadn’t seen Ajax for over six months and something about him seemed unusual, decidedly unusual.

“You look good, different…what have you been up to?” I asked in a slightly suspicious voice. Something about him had my skin tingling. I could feel my Shift roll in my mind, the first time it had acted without me consciously calling it since that night in the alley. Something…something just felt strange.

“Become a Vampyre or something?” I said seriously, wondering if he would take it as a joke or not. He knew I was weird, but this statement was out there at least a little bit, even for me. Maybe he would just think I was joking since he now worked here and most of the patrons looked like they probably idolized the not-so-mythical creatures.

“Yeah totally, wanna see my fangs.” He teased back, a dark glint in his eyes. I looked him in the eyes for a moment longer before his thoughts flowed into my mind, as easy as opening a door. Completely Human minds felt different to me now that I had spent so much time, and so much practice with my Gift, on the minds of only partial Humans. His thoughts felt lighter, like they were less real almost.

He wasn’t a Vampyre, not yet, he was only a pet, slowly becoming one, being fed off of by his masters, but not enough to kill him, not enough to bring him back as one of them, not yet at least.

“You don’t have them yet. How much longer until your masters give you immortality?” I replied just as seriously. At this he gave me a confused look as he bit on the insides of his cheek. He didn’t look close to replying so I continued.

“You aren’t the only one who’s changed. There is a lot more in the world than I knew about when…when we knew each other.”

Now Ajax rubbed his hand over his mouth, pulling at his chin before dropping the towel he had over his shoulder onto the counter.

“Want to get out of here? I have some new tricks to show you that you might like.” He spoke with the look in his eyes, the look that used to make me drop what I was doing and go anywhere he wanted, that used to make my insides quiver. His eyes dropped to see my outfit and his eyebrows rose.

“You do mean you know about Under and Overworld things, not like….streetwalker things, right?” He teased at me.

I slapped his chest lightly, biting my lip, remembering how hellishly heavenly my nights with him had been.

“I would love to get reacquainted with this new you, but I’m actually here on…business. I have to meet, well, my new friends and I have to meet someone in a little while.” I wasn’t sure what all he knew of the real world that lay all around us, and I didn’t want to say too much.

“Fair enough. Can I have a dance at least? You look…delicious.” He said with a wolfish smile.

“I would like that.” I answered flirtatiously, sipping at the drink he had placed before me at the beginning of our conversation.

“This is good, thank you.”

He smiled a little wider before answering.

“It’ll knock you on your ass, but don’t worry, I’ll gladly catch it.” He winked at me before he began to make his way around the counter to me. He waved at a woman in all leather and she took over his post at the bar without question.

“I handle my liquor a little better now.” I said as I finished it, hoping I wasn’t bluffing. Kael had mentioned alcohol’s effects would be lessened the longer I was with the clan, the stronger my blood became due to my proximity to others, and I secretly hoped he hadn’t been joking. Ajax merely wound an arm around me and led me towards the mass of people dancing before us, ignoring my comment.

He pulled me into him as soon as we were in the crowd; he felt strong, solid, just like I remembered. He was tall, with dark brown hair that curled around his ears, eyes to match and an angled face, often with a devious look on it. A full sleeve of tattoos and a few more in choice spots on his body just accented his burly physique. I had always preferred my men fit and if I remembered correctly, Ajax was more than merely fit.

All the little details I remembered about him, he seemed to remember about me too; he remembered my favorite spots and exactly what to do to have me melting into him. Hell, he felt good. I had been so focused on so much lately, mainly James, I hadn’t even realized how frustrated I was, how much tension I felt. But dancing close to Ajax, feeling his hands in my hair and on my neck, the small of my back, pulling my hips into his...I realized I had been missing it, physical contact, and missing it bad.

Ajax tugged back on my hair lightly, raising my face to his, his lips just inches from mine.

“I don’t know what you are, but I can feel the difference in you, it doesn’t matter to me though; you’re still beautiful, you always have been.”

He breathed the words down at me, and I felt the familiar push and pull I always did when one of my boys said something sweet. The pull of wanting to be close to them, to anyone really, of feeling warmed by their words, and then the push of wanting to run away, wanting to not get trapped with them, bored by them, tied to them. No one had ever felt truly _right_ with me…except James.

As if my mind conjured him, I suddenly saw James out of the corner of my eye, dancing with a petite blonde, a confident, amused little smile at the corners of his lips as he stared down at her rubbing against him, like he found her desires funny. A moment later she pulled his face down to hers and he was lost behind her teased nest of white-blonde hair. They turned slightly so I had a clear view of them just as she dragged her teeth down his lip, biting as she pulled away. The smile was back on his lips, though his eyes were closed, but just before she went back for another go, James’ eyes opened and locked with mine. He looked directly at me for a full second before his smile grew into his cocky, lopsided grin, his eyes mocking me…and then he was kissing the girl too, no longer just passively letting her kiss him. He was in control, kissing her with his hands on her back, her face, her hips, in her hair. I pulled my eyes away and tried to refocus on my own dance partner. He was still looking down at me, expectantly, a naive smile on his face. His innocence almost hurt.

“Thank you. You’re just as handsome now as the day I met you too.” I said with a small smile.

“Do you remember that? The first time I saw you?” I whispered seductively up at him.

I knew he did, and I knew the reaction my words would cause. His smile curved up and I saw a look of lust come into his eyes as he relived the memory.

We had been drunk and I had been lonely. Within ten minutes of meeting each other, we were feverishly intertwined in an alley. We had barely made it to his place before we couldn’t wait any longer. He had been good too, rough enough to be fun, not enough to make the pain overpower the pleasure. It had been an amazing night.

Immediately one of his strong hands was gripping the back of my neck, bringing my mouth to his, his other hand pulling my body against him tighter. He ran one hand down from my neck over my chest and then wrapped it around my waist as we kissed; it was a deep kiss, hungry. He had never been one for pecks. I returned the gesture, trying to push thoughts of James from my mind, trying to focus on how amazing Ajax’s hands felt, how warm his mouth was. He ran a hand down my back and I let out a little whimper. I loved backrubs and he knew it. I laced my fingers behind his neck and enjoyed the connection for a couple minutes, just tasting him and letting him run his hands over me.

His kisses were aggressive and powerful, at times his hands tangled in my hair almost hurt, the way he held me almost crushing, but that’s why I had kept him so long, there was never a dull moment when he was feeling passionate, and he never treated me like I was breakable. He moved down to my neck at some point and bit, lightly at first but when I dug my nails into his back he bit down harder. I let out an appreciative moan before our lips met again.

“I love it when I can hear you.” He said breathlessly in between our kisses. “I love to make you moan…I love to make you scream.”

He tightened his grip on me again and bit down on my lip. I moaned against his mouth as I tasted blood. My head felt light with the deep drumming notes of the music, the bright flashes of colored light streaking through the dim room, the heat from the people; it was overwhelming. But then the music changed to a heavier rock and I pulled away, just an inch, just for a moment, just in time to see the woman that had taken over his bar walking over to us. I stepped back from Ajax as she stopped before us.

“Honey, I’m off in ten, mind taking your post again? If you’re girl needs someone to keep her warmed up though, I’d oblige.” She said with a sly smile at me.

“Last I checked she prefers my kind.” Ajax joked back. “Give me one more minute and I’ll come take over.” The woman nodded before gliding back to the bar.

“Will you answer if I call? I know you’re probably…busy now with your…whatever it is you’ve found, or become, but I would like to see you again if you feel the same.” He said to me, looking down at me like I was an angel.

Without meaning to I glanced around, to see if James was still dancing near us; he wasn’t. I felt terrible that Ajax probably thought, or hoped, that this had meant something to me. But he was just a body, and that’s exactly what I needed. Maybe he would be alright with that though, after all he was on the edge of immortality, maybe I wasn’t so special to him anymore. But then I looked back at him, into his eyes that were practically dripping with adoration and I knew it would be impossible for him to keep things casual, merely physical.

“I _am_ busy lately, with all the changes and…projects. Call sometime and I promise that if I can, I will pick up. I really enjoyed seeing you tonight, I’ve missed you.” I said the words in such a way that I wasn’t really lying. I was busy lately, extremely so, and I would pick up if I wasn’t doing anything else, I just made a mental note to not carry my phone with me for a while, and I had missed him, ’him’ meaning his body against mine, not necessarily the person his body housed. I wished I could spend the night with him, but I didn’t think that was a good idea, just dancing with him already had him smelling of love, and all I could offer was lust.

He reached forward and wiped a bead of blood from my lip before sucking it off his finger and smiling slightly.

“Sorry if I was a little rough…I’ve missed you too.” His words sounded like a purr and they made my insides heat. God, I wished I could spend the night with him, with anyone; I needed someone so badly. James’ face came into my mind but I pushed it away.

I muttered a blood name as I licked my lips, stopping the bleeding and watching Ajax’s face take on a look of mild surprise.

“Nephilim. I should have known you were an Angel, albeit a dark one. You’re here to see Master Jevin then? I heard he was having guests with a similar ancestry, I just didn’t think it would be you. I’ll call sometime…pick up, I hear sex is better without humanity, and it looks like we’ve both recently lost ours, or at least will soon.” He said the last words almost wistfully before giving me one last longing, lustful look and turning back to his now abandoned bar.

My head was still spinning with desire as I turned away, I had never felt so…I wasn’t sure of the correct word, but it burned, like a hunger, a craving, a thirst. It physically hurt and it made my breath come with some difficulty. I had never felt so…lascivious? Horny? This was ridiculous, I felt like a hormone-riddled teenager all over again, but worse. Maybe strengthening my blood by being with the clan had other side-effects Kael hadn’t mentioned, like heightened desires.

I was shaken from my thoughts as a hand groped up my skirt, a sweaty hand squeezing my ass, I spun around to see the culprit but it wasn’t necessary. James was standing at my side, his hand gripping the wrist of a burly orange and blue haired man. James had his jaw set and I saw the muscles standing out in his arm as he slowly crushed the man’s.

“No touching.” He ground out between his teeth in a voice that begged for a fight. I saw a look of pain cross the man’s face as James tightened his grip before releasing it and throwing his arm back at him. The creep quickly recovered from the momentary hurt and raised his chin daftly.

“I don’t know pretty-boy, I think she liked it.” The man said with a disgusting grin. “Didn’t you, you little slut.”

He turned his body towards me once more, smirking down at me like the side-show freak he was. And then he was gone and I was staring at James’ back. He had slid in front of me, putting himself between the man and myself once again.

The greasy giant didn’t seem to appreciate James’ continued presence and sneered at him, as if James was simply an annoying fly. I couldn’t see James’ face, but he must have given his signature arrogant smile because the colored-haired oaf’s face changed from a sneer to a snarl and he pulled his arm back as if to punch James. I saw it coming, and I knew James must have too, but he just stood there. He didn’t even make a move to block, let alone get a hit in first. I knew it would only require one to knock the stupid man out.

The creep’s fist made solid contact and the noise somehow cut above the booming music. James turned his face with the blow, letting his head whip around from the force but besides that he didn’t change his stance at all. He just slowly turned his head back to the man and cracked his neck once.

“Oh, ouch.” He said flatly, completely void of emotion yet still somehow sounding mocking.

The man’s eyes flitted around the club for a moment, looking at James with confusion, then the onlookers we had gathered, then at me, barely visible behind James’ broad shoulders, then back to the crowd. Finally he shrugged and began to turn.

“Crazy-ass druggies.” He muttered under his breath as he walked away, the crowd parting for him. James turned around to face me. I met him with a glare.

“What the hell was that?” I asked in an accusatory tone.

“I don’t fight Humans…not unless they’re evil. He wasn’t evil, just stupid, drunk and…tempted.” He replied in a bored voice as he looked me up and down once more.

“Not _that_ , I don’t care what you do in your spare time. I mean stepping in like that. I could have handled it, easily, and you know that. I’m completely capable of taking care of myself. I don’t need rescuing and _I don’t need you._ ” The words came out as little more than a hiss, but everything about James was pissing me off and the strange emotions I was feeling mixed with the memory of him kissing the frosty blonde…I just wanted to punch him. Instead I turned and stalked away.

As I twisted between the tightly packed bodies to put distance between myself and James I glanced back. He was still standing there, his arms at his sides, his head tilted back, staring up at the ceiling. I could almost feel his thoughts even without my Gift, his stance said as much. _Why me?_ I smiled as I wove between more people, losing view of him. At least I seemed to be frustrating him close to as much as he frustrated me.

\---

No one else probably saw, I knew Kael hadn’t since he was tongue-tied to some Human bitch in the corner, sucking face and letting her gyrate suggestively on him. Gross. I rolled my eyes, not that anyone saw. My evening’s entertainment had run off to get me another overly mixed drink, probably hoping to become the luckiest man in the club and leave with me. However unfruitful his errand would be for him, it had given me time to watch the little soap opera that had unraveled in front of me. Jordan with the handsome bartender, James with the pretty blonde. Jordan kissing her boy to get back at James for kissing his girl. Jordan taking her leave from her little friend, James quickly ditching his to follow her. Jordan getting grabbed, James stepping in…how very chivalrous and cliché and dull.

It was interesting though, in a small way; James and Jordan’s entire evening had revolved around the other, though neither of them probably knew it, or would ever openly admit it, but that didn’t make it any less true. Every move either of them had made had been at least in part because of the other. It was uncanny how they acted as if tethered to the other. Even the smallest movements, sometimes Jordan’s stance would shift according to where James was, sometimes even when I didn’t think she consciously knew where he was. It was like they were connected by some invisible string. The string was straining though, and neither of them seemed to want to be connected to the other.

I ran over the evening in my mind again. James had left as soon as we entered the club to get away from Jordan, Jordan had been overly friendly with the barman most likely because she was feeling alone without her partner. James had picked the little blonde and positioned himself where Jordan would most likely see, either to irritate her or to attempt to make her jealous. I saw them make eye contact before he vigorously joined in the kiss he had previously held a backseat in, and then Jordan had followed suit, intertwining herself with her own toy. But neither of them were truly thinking of their dance partners, no, both of them were acting in such a way for the other, I knew. It was obvious. It was ridiculous.

The only good coming from the little play I had just witnessed on the floor was the fact that it meant they were lonely, and though I could care less about our new baby Darkling’s disgustingly Human emotions, it was reassuring to know that James truly was missing the warm touch of a companion. Loneliness was a weakness, a vulnerability, and one that played into my hand perfectly. If there was one emotion I was miraculous at exploiting in men, besides lust, it was loneliness, and James seemed to be full of both. This might actually turn out to be easy. I smiled to myself as my evening’s caller rejoined me with fresh drinks.


	25. Chapter 25

**I want to hate every part of you in me,**

**I can't hate the ones who made me**

_You, Me at Six - Bite My Tongue_

 

I kept my Gift silent for the majority of the night; I didn’t want to hear any of the clan’s thoughts, and I certainly didn’t want to risk feeling even a second of James’ presence. It was just a needless reminder of the connection we could have had. However as I stood in the corner, feeling about as socially awkward as was possible while still fending off half-drunk men and the occasional bold woman, I decided on a little experiment. Maybe I could read the thoughts of whoever I looked at, whoever I focused on, maybe I could read everyone’s thoughts. I hadn’t been in a crowd like this since I had discovered my Gift and the thought seemed entertaining enough.

I let my power fly from my mind, praying that I wouldn’t feel James, the heavens listened, or maybe he was taking the energy to block me, either way I didn’t even feel a trace of him on my skin, not even a tingle. I smiled as my eyes swept the throng of people. Compared to Darklings, compared to the clan, the minds before me were like books, thoughts poured out without so much as a shadow of their meanings eluding me. Most of the men were thinking about the women, or other men depending on their personal preferences, most of the women were thinking about the men…or themselves. It was hilarious to hear some of the thoughts people had when they thought they were private. The things people think. My smile grew as I listened in on a man gaining the courage to ask his date if she wanted to go back to his place. He was so nervous, though he had no need to be, she was a prostitute.

Then something caught my mind, like a snare grabbing at my clothes. A man up on a balcony, high above everyone else. I could feel his eyes on me; he was thinking of me.

_She must be the newest addition to Ash’s clan. How unique, maybe I should have stayed with him longer, I could have welcomed her._

I felt the smile in his thoughts, and it made me smile too. His mind was so smooth, so calm, but I could feel the danger, like the beauty of a spider web, shining as it trapped you.

_I wonder what all she knows. Our meeting will be interesting indeed. Just a few more minutes now, then the evening can truly begin. I’ll let James’ brother enjoy his date a little longer before breaking it up. Darklings and their impulses, their needs, that’s one thing I will never miss…_

The man’s thoughts drifted off to think of his past as a Darkling, sprinkled with acknowledgments of where my individual clan members currently were. He was keeping track of us, watching us. For some reason I didn’t mind though, it didn’t seem to be in a threatening manner, even though there was something deeply dark about him, in a different way than James or myself. I supposed that was just the subtle differences of damnation Vampyres had versus Fallen’s children. I almost laughed to myself at the thought, different degrees, variations of damnation, how cute.

Suddenly I felt Kael approaching, almost like I felt his mind approaching even though I didn’t glean any specific thoughts from him. The song changed and a hardcore version of ‘Toxic’ began. Kael appeared before me, cutting through the crowd right as the first line was screamed. He mouthed the words at me, his voice not raised above the throng around us.

 _Baby can’t you see, I’m calling_.

Funny, it looked like ‘fallen’. Nevaeh appeared behind him, followed by James, snapping me out of my Gift. I quickly shut it off, worried I’d break into James’ mind, something I didn’t want any part of.

“Shall we go out back?” Kael said casually, his voice cutting over the loud music.

“Lead the way.” I said with a smile, only at him. James and I ignored each other.

The ‘back’ was a small cemetery and by the looks of it, it was ancient. I loved graveyards. I had always found them beautiful, the stones sticking up in varied ways, different shapes and heights, different stories for each person below. I found them calm and quiet, but still eerie in a disturbing way. It was the perfect mixture of peace and adrenaline, beauty and sadness. The way the moonlight was striking the open courtyard made the ground almost white, standing out like a spotlight in comparison to the pitch black shadows. There was one large evergreen in the back that gave shade to one corner. I felt eyes there but didn’t say anything since Kael seemed to be leading us in the direction anyways.

Once we breached the shadow’s line my eyes quickly adjusted. There was a man standing at the base of the tree, he was tall and slim, dressed in a dark suit. It made for quite a striking picture. Far more striking than his outfit though was his face; he was handsome in a way that almost rivaled James. He had chestnut brown hair that looked unnatural next to his fair skin, his eyes matched his hair, but with a more reddish tint that I had certainly never seen outside of movies. His gaze swept over me and I felt a shiver run the length of my spine. I had never felt like this before, but this man seemed the epitome of a predator. Even just casually standing in front of us, his hands in his pockets, he seemed deadly, but in a way different from James.

James stepped forward first until he was only a couple paces from the man. He stopped and held his hands behind his back in an easy posture.

“Hello Jevin.” He said in a polite voice.

The man, Jevin apparently, looked at me again, looking past James completely. I saw his nose twitch in an involuntary movement before he ran his tongue over his teeth behind his lips and shifted his eyes back to James.

“Is that how you greet a friend, Darke?” A smile broke across Jevin’s face and he walked forward, closing the gap between James and himself. He hugged James and after a second’s pause, James clapped his hands on his friend’s back in return.

“You look well, bloodless traitor.” James joked easily as he drew back.

“Immortality does that to you, brother, and trust me, I’m not bloodless currently. I tend to keep well fed when expecting guests, especially ones as tempting as what you’ve brought. Speaking of, she’s new, is she not? Very interesting, rare breed I would say. She smells different.”

Jevin’s voice was as smooth as his mind had been. He was certainly the man from the balcony. His voice was gorgeous and matched his perfect features well, like everything about him was in complete harmony. The more I looked at him though, the more I saw that the angles in his face were a little harsh, a little sharp, but not in the way James often looked hard, no, this wasn’t as…well Jevin wasn’t as pretty, more handsome than pretty, but unnaturally so.

His words sunk in and I realized he had been talking about me. James had replaced his hands behind his back and I thought I caught his fingers twitch against his opposite wrist, a small tense movement that a month earlier I might have tried to decipher, but now I had no desire to overanalyze James’ actions. I swept my eyes up to Jevin’s instead. He was watching me now, almost a look of curiosity on his face.

“Yes, this is J-“

“I’m Jordan, Jordan Kay. Jevin was it? Pleasure to meet you.”

I stepped forward and stuck out my hand, as if to shake his. Instead he bent down into a polite bow and lightly lifted my hand to his lips, they were freezing.

“You’re cold.” I said quietly as he straightened in front of me, apparently missing my filter.

“More than you know, my dear.” He smiled down at me sweetly. “And you, you are very, very warm. Fire Sign by chance?” He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, as if smelling my Gifts, my Sign.

“Ah, an Air. I should have known, you’re too beautiful to be a Fire, and please, call me Jev."

Jev’s wine-colored eyes trapped mine as he looked down at me, similar to how James’ dark eyes sometimes held me in them.

“Ahem.” James cleared his throat noisily from behind me. “I think Fires are quite good-looking actually.” He said curtly.

I felt a strong hand on my arm as James pulled me back to stand next to him. It felt odd, having his hand on me, having him pull me closer to him. I shook the feeling and pulled my arm from his grasp, giving him a warning look, a look that told him he wasn’t welcome to touch me. He showed his palms in mock-surrender.

“I see she’s just as spirited as the rumors say, a little vicious still…not at all docile. Good. Keep that ferocity.” Jev spoke quietly as he watched our interaction, a small smile on his face.

“In my defense, she isn’t quite accustomed to the hierarchy of a clan yet, being new and all. And you know I’ve always liked them a little feisty.” James replied with a smirk.

“Oh, well I’m awfully sorry for being so forward then. I was not aware you two were…coupled. I didn’t think you had it in you to be honest, Darke. I observed a little inside, as I’m sure you figured I would. You two hide your feelings for each other well, though I probably could have guessed you were together, but that’s only because I know you so well, Batnae. Clever though, not showing your relationship in public, keeps enemies from using it against you, but you know as well as I do that word will get out. It always does, especially news like this. The great Darke leader no longer a bachelor, you may cause many broken hearts yet, brother.”

As Jev continued his polite chat, James’ face changed from a smirk to a look of slight horror before settling back into an emotionless mask, though his jaw was clenched. Jev noticed and paused for a brief moment.

“Have I said something wrong?” His voice was the picture of innocence, even though he had a smile in his eyes as he glanced to me again. I returned the smile, speaking before James could.

“We aren’t together. James is my partner but nothing more. Besides, he might like a little mischief, but I doubt he could handle me, like you said, I’m a rare breed."

I gave Jev a small, flirtatious smile, before glancing to James, who looked rather horrified again. Clearly this meeting was not going at all as he had planned. I was enjoying myself though.

Kael quickly came to James’ rescue, as usual in awkward silences. He swiftly introduced himself and Nevaeh, who was quietly standing behind the rest of the clan, before trying to re-track the conversation. James took over after a moment more.

“Well, though it’s lovely to see you getting along with our newest member so naturally, I assume you called on us for a more important reason than to simply meet our youngest. Am I correct?"

James’ voice sounded controlled, though the words seemed irritated to me. Somehow his anger never seemed to quiet reach his voice.

Something Jev had said caught my attention and I spoke up before he could answer James.

“What does batnae mean? I’ve heard it before, but I’m not familiar with the word.” I asked sweetly, smiling at Jev as if I was only curious, though inside I was anything but calm. Ambriel’s killer had called me batnae. I had forgotten until now. So much of the meeting with him, or the dream, now seemed hazy like I had been in a trance and the memory slipped from my mind like smoke when I tried to grasp it. I had had so much to worry about lately, mainly James, but no more, I could focus on my new life now. No more silly distractions. I had to start getting things straight, getting answers, and if the Fallen had called me that…and this new creature had called James that, it was worth looking into.

“Batnae. It’s an old word from Heaven, or at least that’s what we say. It means something like ‘child’ or ‘young one’, it’s a term of endearment. I’m older than James and I never let him forget it, so I started calling him batnae years ago to remind him who was eldest. Just a little joke, that’s all. Where did you hear it? It isn’t exactly a commonly known word, not anymore.” Jev’s eyes were locked on me, but I kept our eye contact short to avoid getting pulled in again, I didn’t want to get sidetracked.

“I had a dream, that’s all. Someone used the word, but you know how dreams are, even when they don’t make sense you don’t question them. So even though I didn’t know the word it didn’t bother me, not until I woke up at least.” I spoke casually again, trying to sound like it wasn’t the big deal I thought it was. Trying to ignore the fact that Ambriel’s murderer had practically called me a child, in an endearing way. What was I to make of that? I ignored the thought and focused on looking innocent for Jev’s probing eyes.

“Hm.” Was all he said before turning his shoulders more squarely back to James.

“I called you here because of the murders, or lack of murders the past few weeks. They were becoming more frequent, however they’ve stopped now, at least it seems so. I understand you’ve had a few rendezvous of cleaning up the streets, but I doubt those thugs or the Serpentine were responsible for the murders. So, why have they stopped?” He asked the question in a rhetorical way. Sure enough he continued speaking after only a sort pause. I had the feeling he liked the sound of his own voice.

“I think the culprit knows you are close, and it unnerves him. Having the great clan of Ash on his heels must be a bit grating I suppose. I wouldn’t want you hunting me, per say. But why stop now? You’ve been on the case since the second body was found, if I’m correct. The only thing that has changed is…her.” Jev swept his raptor gaze back to me and I found the breath had frozen in my lungs. “Are you aware of her bloodline? I would gladly take her off your hands if you wish it, brother.”

James stiffened at my side at the mention of my lineage, I looked over at him but he was studiously ignoring me, looking straight into his old friend’s face.

“I am aware of her bloodline, we assumed she was an Eighth when we first met, I understand that you would love such a direct line, since she is close to your own, but I’m afraid I would like to keep her. She fits in with us nicely, and I can handle concentrated blood well enough, you know this, friend.”

There seemed to be a second conversation going on I was unaware of and it was beginning to irritate me, mainly James, but that was expected. I turned my Gift over in my mind for a second before releasing the cage it was kept in. I was hit by a barrage of emotions immediately, as if they had been waiting for me. And then there was James’ fire, his block was either not strong enough or not up at all, but either way it made me inhale sharply, I tried to cover it with a small cough, but I doubt it convinced anyone.

James raised his eyebrows at me in a warning look a second before his thoughts filled my mind, pushing the waves of indecipherable feelings out.

_Please, not now. For once would you not fight me on this, just stand there and shut up, just this once._

Normally such an order would have lit a fire in me to do the exact opposite, but the 'please' caught my attention. James didn’t seem like the type to use that word flippantly, and something about hearing him say it, say it to me, made me want to trust him, to do what he said. It couldn’t hurt I supposed. I flicked my Gift off.

Jev was simply watching, still, his eyes gliding between James and myself.

“Partner’s you say. You two seem close for her being so new, you aren’t leaving me out of the loop, are you Ash?” Jev’s smile looked a little devious, and he looked more like a predator now than even the first glimpse I caught of him under the tree.

“You are still my friend Jevin…but you aren’t in my clan anymore. Certain things no longer concern you.” James paused as he glanced to the ground. “And I don’t go by Ash anymore, just James.” He sounded almost bitter as he finished. I heard the clan mention the varying names Darklings often had, but this was the first time I had actually heard one of James’. Ash seemed to fit him well.

“Pity, Ash had a certain reputation that helped us out of many a bind, but if the past is too great for you to shoulder, I understand. Guilt is a Human emotion though, remember that. If you, or you,” He directed at me. “were to add to your bloodline, add a little of the night, the weaknesses of your humanity would all but disappear. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a nightmare about _my_ past, Ash.” Jev seemed to be trying to goad James now.

“If you simply asked to meet us to extend the invitation of your kind, or to have a viewing of our newest member, I am no longer interested in continuing this meeting. We are still following the trail in the city and if you hear anything, please stay in contact. But we should get home, we are only mere Darklings and therefore have to sleep, nightmares or not.” Though James’ words were spoken cordially, it was obvious he was subtly challenging Jev to try and continue the talk.

“Very well, James. Though you may not believe my words, it was nice to see you again, and to see you well. Watch her though, she may truly be more than you bargained for. I won’t be a stranger.”

Jev’s words dripped honey, his eyes teasing, but the hair on the back of my neck still rose at the mention of me. He flashed me a smile, showing his gleaming white, sharpened fangs before I turned to walk away.

\---

 “Well, that went well.” Kael said under his breath. “And I was having such a good time inside, I don’t see why we even had to go out there and meet him. He had nothing useful to say besides what we already know; the killer seems to be on vacation. Woopty-doo.”

Kael really did sound in a nasty mood, he didn’t seem pleased to have had to leave his date inside and I could smell alcohol on his breath even as he walked next to me.

James rolled his shoulders slightly as he stalked ahead of us.

“He knew more, he just didn’t want to tell me because I wouldn’t let him play with Jordan, he always was petty.”

“And you aren’t much for sharing; why?” Nevaeh said silkily, in a surprisingly sweet voice, not a trace of bitchiness lurking underneath.

“I’ve traded affections for information before, quite often actually. I thought we would be teaching her to use _all_ of her strengths, not just the easy ones like fighting.” She sounded a little mocking now, but she was certainly on her best behavior. She had been oddly kind ever since James’ and my incredible recoveries. I didn’t trust it.

“She will, I’m planning on sending her back to him soon. But Jev has to think she’s coming on her own, against my orders if he’s going to say anything truly useful to her. Don’t think I don’t know my old partner.” James sounded tired as he spoke.

This struck me; James had had another partner, another clan. I had heard him mention it a couple times when he was talking with Jev, but it had slipped my mind. I felt a sting of jealousy before I buried it.

“So he was your partner, part of a clan with you. Tell us, why haven’t you talked about him before, or about anything in your big, bad, mysterious past? Other clans, other names, why all the secrecy? Shouldn’t the leader be open with his clan? Like a politician, right? Once you’re in charge, you have no secrets, no privacy, that’s the price of power, isn’t it?”

I knew my words were antagonizing, I knew I was just trying to pick a fight because I didn’t like him talking about me like I was some kind of pawn. I didn’t like him acting like he owned me. Everything about him was grating my patience this evening and I was sick of him. It was easier to be angry with him, to let it run my emotions than to admit I missed him. No, I didn’t miss him. There was nothing to miss, just a pretty shell of the man he could have been. He was just sad and broken and pathetic. I repeated the mantra in my head, trying to keep my anger up. It was easier that way.

“Really? I don’t hear you sharing your past with us? I don’t see a story time with Kael and Nevaeh? So back off unless you’re prepared to be as honest as you expect me to be.”

James had stopped outside the club and turned to spit the words at me. When he finished his jaw was set, making the muscles stand out and letting shadows play down his face from the streetlamps. He looked frightening, but that’s just what he wanted and I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of winning.

“What do you want to know, I’m sure you have more secrets than I do, _Ash_. I’m an open little book in case you hadn’t noticed, unlike our perfect leader. What happened to your other clans? Did they just go their separate ways? Or are they all dead, run into the ground and destroyed because of you? Jev didn’t mention anyone else, did he?”

My words were meant to cut and I saw James’ mouth twitch up into a micro-sneer before he licked his lips to play it off. He stood deathly still in front of me, his eyes locked on mine. He slowly tilted his head as if trying to find something in me.

“You have _no_ secrets, my  little _batnae_? Don’t lie to me, Angel. You’re far from innocent here. And maybe I did kill my old clan, picked them off one by one. Maybe they went dark and I murdered them in their sleep.” James slowly came towards me as he spoke and his words shocked me. Was this a confession?

“Or maybe Jev was the only other member of my so-called ‘clan’ and you simply jumped to the worst conclusion. Thank you for the vote of confidence, _partner_.

 His tone changed from the low dangerous growl to his normal cool, calm voice as he continued, he even threw in a sarcastic smile to end his explanation. I scowled at the ground, I hadn’t even thought of that option, in my mind ‘clan’ meant at least three.

Our group walked back to the car in silence, the drive was quiet too, but it seemed more out of frustrations from the club than James’ and my butting heads. Kael was texting while he drove, poorly, and finally James demanded the phone, like a parent taking a videogame away from a child. Kael sulkily gave it to him and the rest of the drive went much smoother, steering wise at least.


	26. Chapter 26

**I've learned enough to know that what you do makes who you are.**

**So here's a lesson in deception, don't act like you don't know**

_Ice Nine Kills - You Scratched My Anchor_

 

I tapped lightly on James’ door an hour after we got home, I knew he would hear. It was close to three in the morning and I had been anxious for the time to pass. I had wanted to give him time to settle down from the evening’s events, but not so long that he forgot what the club had showed him, that he was lonely and that feeling someone with you, having someone warm in your arms, making you feel good wasn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes pleasures didn’t need to be guarded against.

Tensions had been high during the car ride, in part from James and Jordan practically baring their teeth at each other outside the club, but also the amount of sexual frustration in the car was unprecedented. Angels are passionate creatures, to an extent Humans cannot fathom, meaning an evening of near-companionship which none of us had had it in months was just teasing. James’ hands had been balled into fists the entire drive, Kael was either gripping the steering wheel like it might try to escape, or distractedly texting what I assumed was the slut from the club and Jordan stared out the window stonily, but I heard even her sigh a few times. I had to fake feeling the same, but in truth I was tickled pink, though my first meeting with James in his room had only been that morning, I was sure my plan could progress tonight; he certainly seemed like he could use the company.

As soon as we arrived home, Kael called a ‘friend’ and left for her place, Jordan went straight to her room and James to his. I changed, showered and waited. Finally three in the morning rolled around and I found myself at James’ door. I had been expecting him to simply call me in again, like that morning, but instead the door swung open, a wave of heat hitting me as he stood before me. He had clearly showered recently and his damp hair hung in his face, it made him look younger. He had black basketball shorts on but nothing else and he still held a towel in his hand.

He idly rubbed at his hair with the toweled hand while his other gripped the door, blocking my path. He glanced me up and down. I had showered too and let me hair fall over my shoulders in wet waves, I opted for a casual look and wore sweatpants and a tank. I guessed James would like it. Jordan often wore similarly grungy clothes. He gave me a weak smile, almost a defeated smile, before nodding his head in and turning from the door. I slipped in after him but he didn’t walk to his bed, instead he sat by the fire, I fought the urge to stick my lips out in a pout. Instead I joined him, I had been hoping we wouldn’t have to speak, but apparently he wasn’t about to let that happen.

“What do you need, Nevaeh?” He asked in a tired voice, just like he had that morning.

“I was about to ask you the same thing.” He had a slight bruise beginning to show where the idiot from the club had hit him. I lightly touched my fingertips to it before murmuring Isda’s name to heal him. I wasn’t the best healer, but I saw an opportunity I couldn’t let slip. I breathed out Mihr’s name, the Angel of Friendship, Angel of Comfort, I knew James would recognize the name and I hoped it would calm his mind to my intentions. But I knew a little trick, something most Darklings didn’t; merely saying an Angel name did nothing, you had to use some of your power, your connection to Heaven, to the Angels, to have it work properly. This wasn’t the little known part though, all Darklings were taught how to properly call on Angels during their training, the secret was something my mother had taught me, something I hadn’t shared with the others because there was no need to. The secret was that you could speak one name while calling another. Using only your mouth for one but your power, your blood, to summon the effects of another. It never brought about as strong an effect as thinking and saying the same name, but it still could influence feelings and behavior. In this case I spoke Mihr but focused my mind on Anael, Angel of Passion, I knew the effects would be too weak to truly influence James in any meaningful or profound way, but maybe it would at least lower his guards, his inhibitions.

My scheme seemed to work as he visibly relaxed at hearing Mihr. I gave him a small, reassuring smile.

“So, what do _you_ need?” I asked again.

His eyes wandered the floor as he seemed to think something over, I began to worry he had sensed the true Angel name I had called but after a moment he spoke.

“I’m your leader, it isn’t right for me to ask anything of you. Leaders serve the clan, they don’t require anything more than loyalty in return. You do enough by being a devoted member of our family. I don’t ask anything else of you.” He looked me in the eyes at the last part, putting emphasis in his words.

“You’re right.” I said evenly back to him. “It wouldn’t be right for you to ask me for something, so I’ll do it without being asked.” I stood and reached a hand down to him, he paused and looked up at me, a line on his brow.

“Don’t make me drag you to the bed, now. I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea.”  I said teasingly, trying to not sound flirtatious, which was the tone my voice was accustomed to taking on. He smiled and dropped his head, shaking it as he chuckled, his hair falling into his face and hiding his smile with the tilt. When he looked back up he almost looked happy as he grabbed my hand and let me pull him from the chair.

To be honest I don’t know how I had stayed on such good behavior that morning; James was irresistible. He smelled like his soap, a light pine scent mixed with his normal smell of burned wood smoke and the heat from his skin felt heavenly against mine. Fire and Water Signs usually seemed an odd pairing, but maybe because my connection was so weak it didn’t really affect anything.

I pushed him on the bed and sat next to him at first, trailing my fingertips over his chest and abs, running my hands down his arms as if I really was a masseuse. He felt divine, all hard corded muscle under smooth skin, even his scars didn’t bother me as much this time.

He had his eyes closed as he laid on his back, letting my hands run over his arms and chest and I could tell he was trying hard to relax, but between the Angel name I had slipped him, the club and the meeting with Jev, I knew it would be a losing battle, he was too wound up. I smiled at the thought, calm James being full of emotions and desires…it was a nice new side to him. I leaned down next to him, letting my breath hit his bare shoulder, my lips just an inch from his skin. I saw the corner of his mouth pull a bit, a minuscule smile there.

“Roll over, darling.” I purred at him. James obeyed and I straddled his back, giving myself a better angle to rub his shoulders and neck.

I continued awhile like that, rubbing his shoulders, down his back, up to his neck, kneading at his knotted muscles. I kept my hands out of his hair though, I would save that for later, I knew how much he loved it. I scratched my nails down his back after close to ten minutes of the backrub, after I knew he was close to relaxed, not hard enough to really hurt, but close. This gained a muffled but appreciative deep groan from James, low and rumbling, almost a growl. I laughed softly. He stretched his back and shifted beneath me, and I scooted a little further down to give myself more room to work. After a couple more minutes and some lighter scratches, I leaned forward, rubbing my hands down his arms and practically laying on him in the process, he was much taller than me. He shifted a little as my breath hit his neck. I straightened, reversing the trail of my hands back up his arms. James murmured something but I didn’t catch it. I leaned down again, repeating the motion and laying with my chest on his back.

“Mmh, what was that, dear?” I said breathlessly, my lips grazing his ear.

He let out a sigh before answering in a near whisper.

“It feels good, that’s all.”

“Well, that’s the point.” I said sweetly in his ear before straightening again.

I paused, not touching him for a moment, then ran my hands through his hair, up from his neck, over behind his ears. At the second circle of my hands I felt him shiver. I leaned forward again, keeping my hands twined in his hair as I pressed myself against him and left one small, feather-light kiss on his neck. I felt his shoulders tense beneath my chest and silently I called on two more Angel names. I knew I wasn’t the strongest of the clan with my Gifts or Sign but I had grown up with Angel names. I was the best in this one area and I would use it to my advantage tonight. I hoped James’ emotions would cloud his mind enough that he wouldn’t notice the Angel’s lust and passion seeping into his veins, maybe he would mistake it for his own.

“Relax, James.” I said in a soothing voice as I ran my hands over the muscles in his arms. “You’re lonely, I know because I am too. This won’t change anything, don’t worry about me thinking it will. I just need someone, and so do you.” I slowed my words as I ended, laying a light, small kiss on his shoulder between the last three.

His back stayed tensed for only a second more before relaxing beneath me again, either from the seduction Angel names or my words I didn’t know.

Once again, I hadn’t planned on going so far, on being so bold, but I also hadn’t planned on slipping the Angel names into his mind. Tonight was simply going too well to stop now. My kisses became harder, heavier and soon James had turned his neck so I had more room. He might have not been joining yet, but I could tell he was at least enjoying it, or trying to let himself enjoy it. I bit at his ear lightly and he made a noise, I bit a little harder and moved to his neck. Something like a growl rumbled from James again and then suddenly I was on my back with James on top of me.

He was breathing heavily and I was too, he almost looked confused for a split second as he looked down at me pinned beneath him. His body felt amazing on top of mine, better than I had imagined, burning and solid.

“You should go.” He said in a low voice filled with gravel.

“James, for once give yourself what you want. Let yourself be happy even if just for a night. You don’t always have to resist every temptation of our nature. I know this won’t mean anything.”

I was getting really tired of convincing him, he could be _such_ a masochist sometimes. I didn’t let my irritation show though, that wouldn’t help anything. Instead I twisted one arm around James’ shoulder, pulling him down on top of me further. He was still staring at me and I could tell he was thinking, weighing the options, the reasons on each side. He could never just do something, he always had to analyze every option, think everything to death.

I leaned my head up, my lips just a hair from his.

“Kiss me.” I said quietly, my lips grazing his.

Either from his weight on me or nerves or something else, I couldn’t quite catch my breath and I had a strange tight feeling in my chest. And then his mouth was on mine, his hands on me, pulling me into him, pressing me against him. It was better than I had imagined, he tasted sweet and his mouth was hot. He was so much bigger than me, so much stronger, it was pure ecstasy to be in his arms. And his hands, they felt like fire, running down my body, twisting in my damp hair, it was all I could do to not cry out from the pleasure. Instead I moaned against his mouth, rolling my body against his. He groaned back and then just as quickly as it had begun, he was propped up, hardly touching me at all, holding his body off of mine carefully, like any contact might hurt me. He swore under his breath and rolled off me onto his back.

“You have to go. Now. I 'm not doing this with you. We shouldn’t. Leave.”

He moved to the edge of the bed and sat, his voice sounded tired, but not just tired, weary. He had sounded that way a lot lately. Despite myself I felt a flash of anger, I had known this wouldn’t be easy and I had told myself there would be nights like these, but still…I was frustrated. I hid it as best I could and with a simple. 'If that’s what you want.' I got up and left.

Even with the disappointing end, my time with James had still left me feeling electrified. He was like a drug, his touch, his body, his presence was addicting. He would be mine.

\---

I had been tempted to use my Gift, to change how the world looked, but instead of a glamour for the world, it would be one for me, to change who I saw in my room. If I closed my eyes, if I just let it naturally happen, I could almost imagine that it was Jordan…but it wasn’t. I didn’t have the feelings, the nerves, the fire, nothing that she brought about when she was truly near. I hated myself for what I was doing, but self-loathing wasn’t something new to me. At least it felt good, at least on the surface. Nevaeh was beautiful, skilled and willing, eager to please even, but it was still wrong. For some reason I didn’t care though, I needed someone. She was right, I was lonely and hearing that she was too hurt me. She had lost so much, she had lost everyone; just like me. It couldn’t hurt to just give in, just this once. I was so tired of fighting my nature, and if I was going to give in to one part of it this seemed the least damaging, the least damning.

It might feel wrong deeper, but her skin on mine didn’t, her mouth didn’t. Who would it hurt? She had already admitted it meant nothing. Was this what a good leader did? I was supposed to take care of my clan, to serve them, and if Nevaeh was hurting, shouldn’t I do what I could to lessen her pain? If she was lonely and she wanted me to help…shouldn’t I? My mind felt under water and I couldn’t think straight, maybe I shouldn’t. No thoughts, just actions, that’s what tonight was about. That’s what I wanted, what I needed.

And then suddenly I felt Jordan, I felt her two floors above me, laying in her bed unable to sleep. She wasn’t giving in, she wasn’t weak like I was…and then it clicked. I didn’t want to be with Nevaeh and being with her wouldn’t stop me from feeling lonely, not even for the night. I wanted Jordan and since I couldn't have her, not if I really cared about her, I might as well get used to being lonely.

Feeling Jordan’s presence, even if she was far away, even if she couldn’t feel me back, still reminded me of who I was, or who I wanted to be. Without her even knowing it she gave me the strength to send Nevaeh away. She left without a fit, which surprised me, but I was too worn out to really care. Emotionally, physically…I was just tired.

The door closed with a click and I was alone…but not really. I could still feel Jordan, I didn’t know why I could sometimes and not others, but I was grateful for each precious second my Sight let me watch her, let me be with her. It was the only small pleasure I had, that I could see her, enjoy her without her knowing, that way it couldn’t hurt anyone but me. If she thought I was fine without any contact with her, without my Blood Twin, my True Pair, then it would be easier for her to hate me, ignore me, whatever it was she had to do. If she knew that in reality I wouldn’t have been able to survive these last six weeks without small luxuries like this, it would be impossible for her. If she knew how much I cared about her it would be as good as a death sentence.

I watched her whenever I could, I watched her train and become stronger, she really was gifted. I watched her go for her walks alone in our woods or through our cemetery, or when she was relaxing in her room. It was my favorite thing, when she had a small smile on her face as she dove into some daydream.

I watched her train on her own, sometimes all night. I wanted to go out to her and tell her to take a break, to relax and take care of herself, but I couldn’t. She was so driven, it was admirable…but I also watched her grow cold, hard. It was to be expected in this life, a warrior has to be tough, but it was sad to see the empty thing she was turning herself into. She was becoming emotionless and it was painful to watch. She no longer seemed to care about anything, maybe she couldn’t anymore. It’s like she was trying to be just as apathetic as me, to prove to me she cared about me less than I cared about her. That’s why she could never know that I watched her, that I _did_ care, deeply and truly and more than I had ever cared about anything, or anyone, ever before.

Ten minutes after Nevaeh left I was still lying in bed staring up at my ceiling, a silly smile on my face. I probably would have looked ridiculous or insane if there had been anyone there to see me, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t been able to sense Jordan so vividly for days and I was reveling in the rare ecstasy of the feeling on my skin. The tingle almost had a weight of its own now. It had been getting stronger each time.

She was laying in her own bed, sixty feet above me, looking out the window as she fiddled with the thin ring she always sported on her right pinky. She wore a slight frown on her beautiful face, a line between her big, grey eyes. I wished I could smooth it out with a light touch, my hands ached for it. Suddenly she pulled herself off the bed and began peeling out of the tank she must have changed into after the club. I forced myself to shut out her presence. I couldn’t let myself spy on her at times like these. She deserved at least some privacy, even if that was all I was strong enough to give to her. She rarely slept in much and I hated her for it, even though it wasn’t her fault, I was the one spying, it’s not like she knew what she was doing to me. Once I closed my Gift and she was gone a heavy, empty feeling settled in my chest. I felt cold despite the heat of my room and I pulled my Sign around me to warm myself, to try and thaw away the ache I felt.


	27. Chapter 27

**So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us.**

**Oh, how they always wait for me.**

**If my fear has kept me here only my fear can set me free.**

_La Dispute - Damaged Goods_

 

James became close to a recluse in the following days. I never saw him, no one did. Kael didn’t even mention it, and Nevaeh seemed to be ignoring his extreme absence. It wasn’t exactly new for him, he had been withdrawing for weeks, but it was almost like he didn’t exist anymore. Maybe some of my feelings were due to the others’ lack of concern. Kael used to at least mention James, even when we didn’t see him for only a day or two, but now it was like his name had become taboo. The thought crossed my mind that maybe they expected me to explode if they mentioned him, since our last few encounters had involved a lot of yelling or hitting. But it seemed more than that, it seemed like they were just ignoring his desertion from the clan, like he could just step away and no one would question it. It was beginning to piss me off. How could he just disappear and abandon us? No reasoning, no discourse…it wasn’t fair. Leader or not, he wasn’t better than us and he shouldn’t have some kind of power to just take a vacation when we were still working our asses off.

While James was taking his little hiatus, training had been steadily increasing and now it was approaching insane new heights. Sometimes we only went with four hours of sleep, sometimes we were physically working for sixteen or seventeen hours a day, and then still studying every evening. I fell into bed each night and had to force myself to roll out each morning. I lost weight, my eyes looked tired, I had dark circles under them and I was slowly gaining more and more bruises and cuts. James had been right when he said Kael was a much better healer than him. Though the scar across my throat was faded, it was still clearly visible, whereas when Kael would heal me it was like the injury never happened, the skin stitched together perfectly. It had unnerved me at first, but now it seemed completely natural.

He had been trying to see if I had any healing capabilities, but that, along with my elusive Sign, was showing itself difficult for me to control. Apparently I was similar to my partner by not having strength in this area. Just my luck. Kael did his best to teach me other ways of semi-healing though, like Blood Angel names, strength names, endurance, so even if I was injured I could continue on without losing too much blood, or without passing out from the pain.

I got injured a lot, which wasn’t necessarily because I was clumsy or delicate, it was actually the opposite in a way. Kael described it as having ‘no fear’ which I had assumed was a fairly common personality trait for our kind. Apparently not. Though Darklings were inherently aggressive, Kael painted a picture of Darklings as being extremely calculating and careful as well, not fearful of the world, but certainly wary of it. There were a lot more dangers in the world for those with supernatural blood than mere Humans. At least the smart ones were calculating, the ones that lived. Those that were rash or let their excessive emotions and desires get in the way often didn’t last long, unless they were extremely powerful. Unfortunately, this calculating gene seemed to be missing in me. Maybe because I had lived such a boring life for so long or maybe because I had a fire to be the best I possibly could be, but for some reason I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt, even seriously.

Some nights I still couldn’t sleep, even though I would be exhausted from the day’s work. It was nights like those that I would go out to the white stone garden, or even up on the roof where Kael had taken me a few times when we tried to reach my Sign. Sometimes I would end up training a full twenty-four hours, or reading through different books until morning. Those nights were coming more frequently, which was a blessing and a curse; I got more done and I loved being the only one awake in the huge house, but I had the nagging worry that the lack of sleep and extreme activities would catch up with me. Kael kept stressing how Darklings could handle so much more, but even he told me to take it easy more than a few times.

Occasionally on the nights I couldn’t sleep I’d hear the front door quietly open and close, marking James’ departure or arrival after being out all night. Once, as I sat on the roof, wrapped in blankets staring at the sky, I saw a dark figure swiftly walking across the lawn, his shoulders hunched against the cold. I thought I heard the growl of his bike starting up a minute later, but it could have been the wind. Each time I heard him or caught a glimpse or even went a few days _without_ any sign of him, it made my anger build. I suppose deep down I was hurt, or my pride was. It felt like I wasn’t worth his time, even with all my training, all my improvements. I had gone from a normal girl to a Darkling, and a deadly one, in the matter of a couple months yet my own partner was still too busy to be bothered with me. I guess it stung a little.

Two weeks after Blood, I still hadn’t heard anything about a possible second meeting with Jev. The killing spree in the city was still on hold, the trail completely cold. I asked Kael a couple times what was next, but he had simply told me it’s a waiting game and we had to wait for Jev to contact me, not vice versa. He said 'things are in play' and 'time isn't being wasted' and other reassurances, but I hated waiting. Luckily I didn’t have much time to ruminate since training kept me busier than I could imagine.

October was almost over and I was starting to dread the coming winter. The worst was when we would train outside. Fortunately as the temperatures dropped, so did the frequency of our outdoor practices, or at least their durations. I remember the first day it snowed though; October twenty-eighth.

Kael seemed skittish all day, and seeing someone of his stature “skittish” was borderline comical. I asked him what was up, twice, but he brushed my concern off each time. Even if his mood hadn’t been such a dead giveaway I would have been able to tell something was going on. We trained outside all day, starting hours before the sun. I assumed we would only be out in the cold for a couple hours, but then the sun rose, and then it moved high in the sky, then it started its way back down, all the while feebly trying to fight the chill.

Close to mid-afternoon the first snowflakes began to fall. Nevaeh had actually stopped in her tracks, glaring at each white speck that came near her as if she couldn’t believe her Sign had turned on her in such a heinous way. Kael had let out a sigh that looked like a cloud of smoke, like when he sucked on his cancer sticks, except it was just the cold. I was expecting for him to swear at Jack Frost or something similar and then move inside for the evening. Even though the cold wasn’t as uncomfortable as other training scenarios I had been in, I still figured he’d let up, especially since we had already spent so long outside. I had no such luck though, Kael did swear a little, but then he just continued about as usual, running drills, sparring, working with my Shift, new weapons…it was never-ending.

I usually kept my Gift off, both out of respect for Kael’s privacy and the desire to not have to deal with Nevaeh’s venomous mind. But even without my power I had the distinct feeling that something was going on, something was off, like Kael and Nevaeh were keeping something from me. As always my thoughts went to James first.  I hadn’t seen him in days, I suppose that wasn’t too shocking, but still Kael’s mood, our lengthy outdoor training in which clearly everyone was miserable…it all seemed to be connected to the strange feeling I had about the day. I tried to ignore my suspicion, but James stayed lurking in the back of my mind anyways.

Close to six when the sun was well below the tree line Kael finally heaved himself onto a pile of leaves, panting like a dog from our latest sparring match. I was out of breath too, even with the endurance names I had used. I leaned on the staff I had been using and looked down at him. Nevaeh was seated on a low branch behind him, cleaning her claw-like nails.

“What now, Rex?” I asked in as chipper a voice as I could muster.

I had started calling Kael different dog names about a week earlier. Sometimes his eager jubilance reminded me of a puppy so much I couldn’t help it. He seemed to enjoy the nicknames too. I’m not exactly sure when, but Kael had become the closed thing to a best friend I could ever remember having, and I liked it.

He cracked a smile up at me before laying back, sending a tidal wave of dry leaves flying out from him. Nevaeh answered instead of him.

“Can we please be done? I’m bored, and cold and it’s been over twelve hours. You can’t keep her out here all night. Might as well just tell her and let her do whatever idiotic thing she wants.”

“Tell me what?”

Kael shot Nevaeh a look like acid as I asked. Clearly she hadn’t been supposed to say anything, but she stared Kael down right back with a smug look on her face. He looked genuinely disgusted for a moment before he glanced to me and patted the crunchy leaves next to him in a defeated manner. I sat down and looked at him expectantly.

“First off, don’t look at me like that, all wide-eyed and cute. I didn’t want to tell you this in the first place. It isn’t my place to tell someone else’s demons, or past."

My ears perked at this; I was sure it was about James, and the prospect of learning something of his past made my heart flutter despite myself. Kael continued

“But knowing you, now that Nevaeh-” He slid her another dirty look- “Opened her big, _fat_ mouth, you won’t let this die until you know. Am I right?”

I nodded, trying to look guilty.

He stared at me for a moment longer before muttering.

“It’s creepy how similar you are to him, you know that? It’s…it’s unnatural.”

This left me confused. James seemed nothing like me, at least not in my mind. Besides loving violence, and darkness, normal Darkling things, and maybe being mildly guarded…but that hardly seemed to be what Kael was talking about.

Kael took a deep breath before he spoke again.

“James is holed up in his room. October twenty-eighth, every year, it’s always the same. The first couple of years I tried to go see him, to find out what was wrong, what I could do to help. Nevaeh’s tried too, but it’s always the same. He just needs to be alone today. He gives us his whole existence, and in return he asks for just one day to grieve. One day to be selfish. I think he deserves that much from us. You may not view this like I do because you haven’t been here as long, you haven’t seen what he does for us, how he belongs to us completely. He might be our leader, but in reality he’s a servant to the clan. Everything he does, he does for us, three hundred and sixty-four days a year. That’s a hell of a lot more than I can say I do.”

Kael had tried to actually mention James’ reasoning as shortly and sweetly as possible, instead focusing on why I should let it be. But one part stuck in my mind.

“Who is he grieving for?”

I tried to look Kael in the eyes, but he was avoiding mine, one of his tells that he was about to twist the truth.

“We all have someone to grieve, Jordan. You don’t live this life without losing people along the way.”

He finally looked at me and his eyes were sad, I could see painful memories behind them, even without my Gift.

“Like Ambriel for you.”

He nodded.

“And others, we’ve all lost many people close to us, either to the wars we fight, their natures or their own minds.”  
            Now it was my turn to nod, but the somber subject didn’t make me forget that Kael had skirted my question.

“Is James mourning one person more than the rest though? October twenty-eighth every year is an oddly specific time to grieve…unless there’s importance in the date.” I asked the question gently, not wanting to push Kael too hard, but I kept my eyes on his, hoping he would decide to tell the truth.

“He holds it in all year, buries it and ignores it. He deserves one day to let it out in honor of her.” As soon as Kael said the last word he snapped his mouth shut, knowing he had said too much.

“Her?” I said as evenly as I could, though I had a strange feeling in my stomach.

Nevaeh piped up from her perch then, taunting me.

“Ooh, is that jealousy I hear?”

“Curiosity.” I replied calmly, not letting her goad me, before looking back to Kael, eyebrows raised in question.

“See! I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. You’re just like James, chipping away until you get the answers you want. Well fine; it’s his mother. She died on the twenty-eighth of October ten years ago, right before he left home. That’s all I know though…he isn’t really big on sharing his past, especially his weaknesses. So I advise you to stay upstairs today, to just let him have one day to be a Human with real Human emotions, real pain. He’s a shell the rest of the year, a good leader, but not a true person. This is the one time he lets himself _not_ be a leader, and just a man.”

I couldn’t truly explain the feeling that filled my chest at Kael’s words, it was almost like a hot knife, slipping between my ribs, like a sharp pain in my heart, a crushing pressure on my chest. Something like instincts fueled me and before I realized it I released my Gift, sending it out from the confines of my mind. Immediately I was covered by a mountain of despair, and unbelievable guilt, an emotional pain so raw it was almost physical. It wasn’t like when I had felt Kael’s thoughts and painful memories by accident in the woods months earlier, this was from James, from my connection to him. Somehow it was like the wire connecting us was calling me to him, showing me that he needed me. I couldn’t feel his fire or his thoughts, I was too far away, but I still felt him, his pain, like a beacon calling me regardless of our distance, like our very connection was calling, not him.

A rush of guilt from my own mind quickly followed the suffocating emotions from James’. Here I had been trying to ignore his existence as he dealt with a part of his past so painful he retreated every year to try and deal with it, to hide his weakness from the world. He was so alone…and somehow that made it impossible for me to hate him, or even pretend to hate him. I was his partner, I was connected to him, I was a _part_ of him…he should never be alone, not anymore, never again.

I hid my Gift again before I realized Kael was staring at me with a guarded look on his face, still waiting for a response. I knew he would get that disappointed, deflated look if I told him I wanted to see James. He’d think I would make things worse. I understood his concern, James’ and my relationship had been volatile at best and to be honest I didn’t really know if he would even want to see me, but I had to try. I just _knew_ he needed me, and as long as James was in need or hurting, I could never turn my back on him. That’s what my mind had been trying to tell me all day. I couldn’t get James out of my head because he had been calling me, or at least our connection had been, crying out for his True Pair. Maybe not consciously, but the crushing sadness my Gift had felt was clear enough.

I decided to take a leap of faith and tell Kael the truth. I had kept this secret from him for far too long. He was honest with me, usually, it was about time I returned the favor.

“Do you know what a True Pair is? A Blood Twin?”

Kael’s face changed to mild surprise before he slowly nodded.

“Well, James is mine.”

The forest was still for a moment, as if shocked into silence…and then I heard a peel of high, mocking laughter. I had been so consumed by Kael’s words and then my own thoughts and emotions I had completely forgotten Nevaeh was still present. I cursed myself silently for being so careless.

“Do you even _know_ how _rare_ that is? I mean like _one_ Pair every few hundred years, or every thousand years, maybe! It isn’t _possible_ , James _couldn’t_ be linked to _you_. James is powerful and…and a _leader_ , a king compared to _you_. That’s just _absurd_. Right, Kael?” She directed the last of her words to her partner, but he didn’t look at her, or even acknowledge the question. He looked completely serious as he stared at me. After a few more seconds of silence he gave a slight nod, almost not enough to notice, his eyes locked with mine.

“I can’t stand knowing my brother’s in so much pain and I can’t do anything about it-” He shook his head and glanced down at the leaves- “but maybe you can."

Kael’s eyes proved his words as he looked back up at me. I could tell he hurt for James.

Nevaeh was left mute, disbelief covering her pretty features as I turned in the direction of the house. My heart was pounding as I walked through the woods, the winter chill now seemed frigid. I was scared and to be honest, I didn’t have a clue what I was going to say or do when I got to James, I just knew I had to go to him, I had to see him.

The house was calm and quiet, just like so many nights when I stayed up after the rest of the clan went to sleep. I wondered if Kael and Nevaeh would be coming in soon, or if they’d continue to train, I doubted it. I wondered what choice words Nevaeh was saying and what Kael’s responses would be. He never ceased to surprise me; he truly was a good man. Sometimes I forgot what a dark past he had, sometimes I couldn’t even remember how terrifying he had looked when I first saw him Shift, before I knew what he was, sometimes I forgot he wasn’t just my friend, or that he had killed innocent people before James found him, before he saved him.

My pace involuntarily slowed as I walked across the gym floor. What if he didn’t want to see me? He certainly had tried to avoid me the last few weeks, what made today any different? It made more sense that out of all the previous days he would want to see me even _less_ today…and even if he did want to see me, what the hell was I going to say? Empathy had never come easy to me, though I felt like it might be different now, since I really _could_ feel what he felt. The thought still scared me regardless. I didn’t know how to be a good therapist, hell, I didn’t even know how to be a good friend.

In the midst of my worrying my Gift jumped from me, I hadn’t called it, it just turned itself on like an automatic porch light. All doubts were wiped from my mind as soon as the wave of emotions, of need, rushed over me, and then the voltage came right on its heels. The fire I had missed, the feeling of electricity and power, the ecstasy of it all, it was all back. Then I softly knocked on his door.

I could feel him inches away on the other side. I could almost see him in my mind, leaning his head on the door, eyes closed, wishing I would turn around and leave. Instead I knocked again. The fire on my skin made me feel light-headed and I was sure this was the strongest I had ever felt him, or maybe it had been so long since I had really felt it, since I had let myself enjoy it and admit how good it felt. I felt my heart rise into my throat and the adrenaline mixed with our connection made it difficult to get my thoughts to work. I took a deep breath to try and clear my mind.

I felt our connection flicker for a moment, as if he was trying to shut me out but couldn’t quite manage, or maybe he wasn’t really trying that hard. There was a pause and I almost felt silly for standing before a closed door, wishing it would open. And then I felt it, his thoughts filled my mind like the wind, smooth and natural, as if they were my own.

_Please, Angel. I can’t. Not right now. Please leave. Please understand. I'm sorry._

The pain our connection had shown me earlier was only a sliver of what I felt when his words came to me. It was like a floodgate of agony had opened, of guilt and shame and hate…I was drowning in it. I could feel it in his mind, hear it in his thoughts, I could sense it in every part of him. His apology struck me too. I had never expected to hear him say those words, even if it wasn’t out loud. It hurt so much I felt a panic rising in me. These emotions weren’t something I had been expecting, they weren’t something I could handle. I threw the switch in my mind, shutting off the fire, the electricity…but also shutting out the torment. It had been so crushing, losing the feeling of ecstasy seemed a fair price.

I couldn’t believe I had done it, but it was self-preservation, I had to. He wanted me to leave and I wasn’t even close to capable of helping him. I had never felt anything like that before, the only thing that came close was the pain I had felt when I thought I was going to lose James so many weeks ago. I couldn’t willingly feel that again, I couldn’t survive that. James had done this on his own for years…he could do it again, it’s what he wanted. He wanted to be alone. I kept repeating the thoughts as I turned and slowly began to walk back across the gym.

I was almost to the stairs when I stopped, something was at the edge of my mind, something I needed to see. And then I understood. Of course James would try and get me to leave, and of course a gentle knock wouldn’t be enough. Every encounter we had had, at least every one that had gotten results had been from us warring, from me defying him, from me challenging him. I was so worried about what he was going through I had forgotten who I was dealing with. This was James: stubborn, arrogant, unyielding. And I thought he would just roll over and accept help? He was too proud to take help unless it was forced on him. James hadn’t even been accepting of help when he was close to mortally wounded months ago in the city, yet I thought he would just open his door and let me walk in now? I felt stupid for almost falling for it.

I turned around and glared at the closed door. I weighed the options of it being locked in my mind before I stalked over to it. I raised my hand to knock again, but thought better of it. I flipped the switch in my mind as I turned the handle. It was open like I had guessed. James would never expect someone to barge in, so why bother with the lock?

James was standing next to the fireplace, a look on his face of half-shock, half-contempt. He had an almost empty bottle in his hand, hanging down by his side. I walked in and tried to keep my breath even as the electricity reached a new voltage and his presence covered me. The room still smelled like him but there was an odd, sweet smell in the air too…alcohol. I kept my eyes on James, trying to not look half as scared as I felt. He was still glaring at me, his jaw set in a rigid line.

“You’re drunk.” I said, similar to the last time I had been in his room, but I could tell that this time he wasn’t faking it.

His eyes moved to the floor by his feet. A heap of bottles lay there, like a pile of bones, all empty with the light of the fire reflecting off of them. His eyes came up to mine just in time for a sneer to pull up his lip as he replied.

“Family tradition I guess. It takes a lot more to intoxicate Angels, Darklings too, what a shame.” His reply sounded convincing enough, his speech housed the distinct lilt of someone inebriated.

“Funny, I didn’t think of you as a drinker.” I replied bitingly.

I was baiting him, and I hoped he would take it. He wasn’t the type to go down without a fight, so I planned to bring him one. I let the door swing closed behind me as I walked further into his room uninvited.

“We all have our vices I suppose.” He jeered back, still not moving from the spot he had planted himself in. I sat on the couch in front of the fire, just a couple feet from him and patted the cushion next to me pleasantly.

“Let’s talk, _Ash_.” I could feel anger building up in him from my connection. The electricity flickered every few seconds, like he kept trying to block me but couldn’t. I gave a thin smile up at him, not quite mean, though I tried.

Before I knew it he was standing above me, holding my arm and pulling me to my feet.

“Get _out_.” He growled between his teeth, his eyes flashing with warning.

He practically dragged me towards the door and we were halfway there before I ripped my arm away. I felt my Shift turn in me, like it always did when I trained, or sparred with Kael and I had to stuff it down to keep it under. James made to grab my arm again and I half let him, then I spun away, pulling from part of my Shift to give me strength and using his momentum to shove his back against the door, my forearm pressed into his throat, my weight and Blood Power pinning his body between the door and mine. I tried to ignore how warm he felt.

“I’m not afraid to hurt you anymore, and I’m _not_ leaving.” I said harshly, pushing into his neck for emphasis.

I saw a hard smile touch his lips a moment before his eyes went dark. What seemed like an unbeatable force threw me back like I was a child, I felt him grab my arm and twist it behind me and then his other arm came up and wrapped around my neck. My Shift lurched from me and I had to fight the urge to pull away and let him break my arm in the process. Kael had scolded me enough times for letting myself get injured just to get out of a chokehold. I felt his breath at my ear a second later and a rush of memories came to me; the Fallen man had done the same, though he hadn’t had to use physical force, I had been just as helpless then as now. I felt the thought burn into my mind. I never wanted to be helpless, not against a Fallen, and not against James. I had learned so much since then, I had trained so hard. I wasn’t helpless anymore.

My body decided what to do before my mind, my Shift and its instincts, my weeks of training took over and I let them. I leaned back into James before raising my free arm and grabbing around the back of his neck. I snapped my body forward as I pulled him over me, flipping him over my back and onto the floor before me. Sometime during his short flight he let go of me to try and catch himself but I had him off guard and was on him in a flash. He was flat on his back with me on top of him, my legs squeezing his arms to his sides, one arm braced on the ground and the other against his throat again.

“Stop. Fighting.” I ground out as I tried to focus my Shift to my strength.

After a moment his eyes lightened a shade until they were his dark blue and the whites returned. But his glare was still just as frightening.

“Get off me.” He commanded, and I almost did just from his tone.

“Say I can stay.” I replied in the same commanding tone.

There was a pause where his eyes burned into mine, his were filled with hate and I had to stop myself from feeling hurt. Instead I stared right back, my eyes still black from my Shift.

“I don’t care, just get away from me.” He spit up at me, venom and anger flavoring his voice.

I complied then, assuming that was the best answer I would get from him. I felt a little jolt of victory before I remembered that the battle had only just begun. I silently cursed James for being so damn proud. If he would just let me help him, this would be so much easier, but no, instead I had to fight for the right to even speak with him.

He slowly got up and shook his hair out like a dog before kicking the bottle he had dropped during our scuffle over to the pile.

“Kael’s training you well.” He said quietly before he grabbed another bottle from a half-empty cupboard.

“Is that a compliment?” I pulled my Shift back as he shot a sneer over his shoulder before returning to stand next to the fireplace.

“I’ll take it as a compliment then. Thank you.” I said in a cocky tone. He ignored me.

I sat on the couch, leaning my back against the arm, and stretching out in a comfortable position, ready for the long haul.

“I’ll stay as long as it takes.” I said as I closed my eyes.


	28. Chapter 28

**Make yourself remember me, in cold and concrete.**

**When will you realize your demons make you real?**

_La Dispute - To Withstand the Force of Storms_

 

I opened my eyes to scan the room every few minutes and see wherever James had moved to. There was no real threat of me falling asleep, between the electricity running over my skin, the sorrow that had returned as soon as I opened my Gift and now felt like it was crushing my ribs, squeezing the life from me and the occasional flashes of anger I felt from James directed towards me, made even the idea of sleep humorously absurd, no matter how exhausted I was. James mainly stayed near the fireplace, occasionally pacing or walking back to the shelf of liquor bottles to grab a new one. I was almost worried about the magnitude of his drinking, but I decided to trust his statement about alcohol's effects on Darklings.

It had probably only been a half-hour since I barged into James’ room, though time was difficult to gauge, and I was trying to keep my Gift as quiet as possible, not wanting to invade his mind and upset him, when I felt something I could only describe as a vibration run through the wire that connected us. I opened one eye a fraction and saw that James was missing from his usual spot by the fire. I looked over my shoulder to see where he was.

James was leaning heavily against the far wall, his head bowed. I shifted in my seat a little and his face shot up, turning to look at the sound. Something I never thought I would truly see was on his face; real, true physical pain. Not like the inklings of it I saw in the cab, not like when I hit him or if someone got a solid blow in during training, but something so much deeper, so much rawer. The look seemed foreign on his face and it somehow made him look different. In just a couple long strides he was to me before I had done more than stand.

“You have to leave now. I’m not just being stubborn. I’m not trying to be a loner. You _have_ to leave _now_.” His voice sounded gruff with pain and there was an urgency in his tone I found frightening.

“Did you drink too much? Are you okay? Should I get Kael?” I realized I sounded more worried than I had planned, but his actions surprised me and the memory of him passed out in the back seat of the cab came flooding back to me, the terror that I would lose him, the fear of the unknown, all of it.

He let out a short, tense laugh before he started pulling me towards the door again.

“No, I wish I had drunk _more_. It would actually make this easier. I’ll be fine. I-“

“I don’t believe you.” I cut him off as I pulled my arm away. “I have no reason to trust you.”

I leveled my eyes with his and raised my eyebrows, daring him to try and argue. James looked up at the ceiling like he did so often when I tested his patience as if pleading with god before meeting my eyes.

“I’m having a vision, that’s all. It…it hurts to try and stop them and-” He paused and closed his eyes like the pain was too great before continuing- “and I need you to leave before it comes. I don’t always come out of them very charitably.”

His eyes looked truthful, though it was difficult to tell through the veil of pain.

I glanced to the door, trying to decide what to do and then I heard a quiet groan. When I looked back to James he was doubled over and had one hand on the floor balancing himself, I crouched down next to him and gently touched his back. Almost like a trigger he collapsed into a heap on the floor. I felt a jolt of panic and tried to shake him, to get him to wake up, but he was already gone. Despite myself I thought of the cab again, of the gash in his side, his blood soaking into his shirt and jeans, the poison that almost won.

I pulled him up onto my lap, his head and shoulders cradled on my legs. I could feel his boy tense every few seconds, almost like he was trying to break out of a dream. I felt completely useless and I hated that I couldn’t actually do anything to help. I tried to get into his head even, to see what he was seeing, to try and be there with him, but I couldn’t, there was a block so solid it felt like I didn’t even have a Gift. Instead I stroked his hair, hoping he could still feel it.

His hair was softer than I would have expected. I guess I didn’t think of any part of him as being soft. From his harsh smiles to the hard edge in his eyes, to his body and words, having such smooth hair just seemed incongruent. I brushed it back from his face and it surprised me how much younger he looked without it hanging down in front of his eyes, giving him a mask to hide behind. I stayed there for a while, running my fingers through his hair. It seemed strange and completely normal all at once. If he had been awake, I probably would never do this, it just isn’t how we acted towards each other, but while I did it it felt nice, almost like he wouldn’t even mind it. I traced my fingers along the scar at his neck, feeling the smooth, raised skin, and then some of the higher scars on his chest and across his collarbone that were visible above his shirt. Tracing the angles of his face just made me realize that much more how beautiful he was. It was more obvious when he was like this, asleep or whatever one calls being in a vision. I could see him as he might look if he was just a man, and not a Darkling, not a leader, not a warrior.

Where I was seated, with my back leaned against the end of the couch, left my lap and James’ face and shoulders in shadow. The firelight was playing tricks on me and his hair looked darker as I let it fall through my fingers. I leaned forward slightly, peering down at him; it looked black. I shifted my weight, turning him until the side of his face was hit by the fire’s orange light. A small gasp escaped my lips…it _was_ black. His hair was completely, pitch black, like the sky in the dead of night, or like his eyes when he Shifted. I blinked a few times, thinking maybe something was wrong with me, but his hair stayed an inky shadow. I cautiously touched it again, but it felt just the same as before, everything about it was the exact same…except the color. I held a little in my hand as I stared down at it in disbelief. I was pulled from my shock when something like a whimper escaped James’ lips, it sounded almost childlike. And then his eyes flew open and I was met by black, bottomless orbs and bared, knife-like teeth.

“No!”

In a moment James went from peacefully laying in my lap, with me gently stroking his dark hair to something vicious like an animal. I had never seen him like this. I had never even imagined him like this. His teeth were bared like a dog, a snarl escaping him as he lunged up at me. There was something savage in his face and it frightened me. It was like he didn’t even recognize me, I hardly recognized him either. He had a fire burning in his eyes like the skies in Hell, rage mixed with a fierceness I had never seen there before. He looked like the Angel of Death, come to reap his vengeful judgment on the world, on me.

He pulled me down into him, crushing me against him. He rolled over until he was on top of me, his weight pinning me down and then his hand was pushing the center of my chest back, I could feel the bones bending, caving in under the pressure. My mind was swimming as my Shift took over, but it was too late, he already had a hold on me and he was stronger. I was trapped. I couldn’t get any words out, but I felt James’ fire. The block that had kept me from him during his vision had crumbled and now I called his name from my mind. I knew he couldn’t hear me, but I called him anyways. And then I heard a reply, out loud. I opened my eyes, not realizing I had closed them, and saw James looking down at me, his eyes were back to their midnight blue, though his hair was still ink.

“Jordan?”

He sounded so soft and gentle it seemed fundamentally different from his usual voice. He was staring down at me, his hands no longer touching me, though I hadn’t noticed the pressure leave my chest.

“I couldn’t save her, I never can.” He mumbled as he looked at me with a deep guilt in his eyes.

“Save who? James, there’s no one here to save. It wasn’t real, it was a vision.”

He seemed so confused, so child-like. It made my throat tighten.

“But…I-I know, she’s gone, I know. I…it always seems real, each time I see it happen, each time I try to stop…and each time I can’t. I try to kill him, to make him pay…and then I wake up. But it happens each time, I know it. It really happens, over and over again.”

James was staring at his hands now, he had sat back from me and it looked like he had too many thoughts struggling in his head.

“Who? What happens?” I could guess at the answers, but I wanted to keep him talking, it was all I could think of to help.

James looked up into my face and the openness on his, the complete honesty there made me reach out and lay my hand on his shoulder. As soon as I did I realized how strange it was, I realized how rarely we touched. He looked down to my hand as well, but he didn’t look upset, just confused. Instead a sad look came onto his face a moment later and he pulled himself closer to the fire, out of my reach, with his back against one of the chairs. He looked to me again and nodded, motioning for me to come over and join him. I took a chance and sat directly across from him, my back against the front of the couch, our knees almost skimming each others'.

“Do you know why we don’t use guns? Do you know why we practice so hard with weapons that are outdated compared to bullets?”

He had a pained look in his eyes as he asked and it twisted my stomach to see the unmasked emotion on his face. This wasn’t like him, he almost still seemed in a trance.

“I never really thought about it I guess. Do they draw too much attention, too loud? Too easy to trace, serial numbers maybe?”

Now that he mentioned it, it was strange that I hadn’t practiced with any guns yet. I realized that I had never even seen guns in any of the weapons rooms. Out of all the morbid items the clan’s manor housed, I had never seen a single gun or bullet or casing.

James didn’t reply for over a minute, he just stared into the fire with unseeing eyes. When he did respond I thought maybe he had forgotten his first question to me.

“My mother was a monster, not the kind from Heaven or Hell; she didn’t have a single drop of otherworldly blood in her veins, not that I know of at least. She was the most common kind of monster though; a Human one. But she started to change, I couldn’t see it then, I probably wouldn’t have cared, or I would have seen it as weakness maybe, maybe I would have despised her even more for it.”

His brow was pulled down and he spoke quietly, sometimes his eyes closed for long pauses, almost like the words hurt him, like someone with a headache might close their eyes to try and alleviate the pain.

“I made him angry, I wouldn’t kill a girl he had brought me. I couldn’t, she wasn’t afraid to die, she was just angry. She was so…she impressed me. She wasn’t afraid of me. He didn’t see the value in her like I did. He said he didn’t need someone weak like me, someone who couldn’t even kill a woman. He had punished me before, cut me, shot me, beat me, tortured; it didn’t affect me anymore, I barely felt it at that point. But this time was different. I could tell it was different, he had been drinking and he aimed for my heart, I knew it too, I could easily see. He said he would try again, for a stronger son. He was finally going to kill me. I had dreamt of it a thousand times, I had seen it in my mind happening, but it really was going to happen, finally. And I was glad. I was so happy.”

James’ words were close to slurred, his speech heavy and slow from self-medication or maybe his vision. I sat silently, not knowing if I should say something or just wait. Then he continued, finding his train of thought again, reliving the memory.

“She stepped in front of me. My whole life I hated her, and she me…I told myself she had done it out of selfishness…that she wanted to die, to be free of him, of me. I thought she wanted to make me stay, force me to keep living a life under his control. I used to think she hadn’t done it for me, but she must have. I couldn’t see the changes in her then, but I can now. She was trying to change, to become someone else. Part of me couldn’t accept that though, that she was trying to be good. I wanted him to pull the trigger. I wanted him to shoot me, straight through my heart. I hated her for taking that away from me, for taking away my only escape and using it herself. If she really wanted to be good she should have killed me, she should have let him shoot me, she would have saved so many people from the things I’ve done.”

James paused again, like he had so often as he recounted his memory.

“I didn’t even mourn. I didn’t care that she was dead, that she had died for me, at least not at first. I just stared at her body, blood pooling on the floor. I used to think I had hated her, but I hadn’t, I realized that once she was gone. She was the first person I cared about, the first person I ever loved, but I didn’t understand love, I had mistaken it for just another form of hate and I only noticed what she meant to me weeks after she was gone. Love is weakness, maybe that’s why I thought my love for her was hate, because I hated her for making me weak. But once I realized she was gone, and that she would always be gone…that she died thinking I hated her…but she still stepped in front of me. That’s why I don’t use guns. The others could if they wanted, I wouldn’t stop them…but I can’t, I won’t. I should have died. I should have at least cared, or been grateful for her sacrifice. I may wish it had been me, but how could she have known, how could she have known I wanted him to pull the trigger? That I fantasized about dying every day?”

James shook his head slightly before lifting the bottle to his lips again. I saw him swallow hard.

“And now I can’t kill myself, I can’t let her sacrifice be for nothing. That would be the ultimate insult. I hurt her enough when she was alive, I won’t continue after her death. She should be at peace now.”

His story made a strange feeling fill my chest, like a heavy warmth. My throat felt dry and I realized my eyes were wet. I felt a crushing sorrow and it almost made it hard to get air. My breaths became shallow, but I didn’t fight it, I pulled the feeling in, opened myself to its razor.

“What are you doing?”

I looked up to see James looking at me, his eyes wide like a child’s.

“I…you’re doing it again, just like with the poison, taking it for me.”

He dropped his head into his hands defeated, shaking it as he ran his fingers back through his hair.

“You don’t have to, I’m sorry. This isn’t anyone’s but my own. This is my burden, not yours or Kael’s or anyone else’s’, you-”

“Stop. I'm not just your partner, or a member of your clan. Whether you like it or not, I’m your Pair…and I’ll keep helping you in any way I can. No matter what you say or how much you try and mock me for it. You don’t have to carry everything on your own anymore. I won’t let you…and I don’t care what you say. You can tell me I’m stupid for trying, you can yell and try and embarrass me or piss me off, but I’m still going to help you, in any way I can, every time I can.”

I looked stubbornly into his eyes as I said this, expecting a fight, but I realized I didn’t care. I might be proud, but even that wasn’t enough to make me turn my back on him. Whether he wanted my help or not, he was going to get it, even if I had to force it on him.

Instead of arguing like I expected, James just hung his head with his hands still in his dark hair. After a couple moments of silence I reached forward and brushed some of it back, like I had when his head had been in my lap. His gaze slid up to mine and I raised my eyebrows in question. He let out a small, low chuckle before answering.

“I decided to try a new look, you like?”

The weak smile pulling at one side of his mouth made me give one of my own.

“My father had darker hair, my mother had light. People used to say I looked like him…I hated that like I hated him, so I changed it. My Gift makes it easy to alter how I look to some degree, like the glamour when you first saw me…it slips when I’m forced into memories.”

“Wait, memory? That wasn’t a vision then? You said forced memory.”

He looked up and I saw his jaw tense, his eyes wary, like he realized he had said the wrong thing.

“Who makes you have this vision…is it every October twenty-eighth? You always see her death? Is it your father? You said your mother was Human, so your father must be a Darkling. Can he send these to you? Why just today, why not other days, other memories?”

He looked at me as if he was deciding something, but I kept my Gift from his mind even though I wanted to know his every thought. He was already telling me so much. Finally he let out a short breath and gave me another small smile.

“You want to be my Pair, my True Pair? Then there are some things we need to discuss, but if I trust you, and you turn on this clan…I will kill you. I promise that. Blood Twin or not, connection or not, no matter how I feel. I will never put my family in danger.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, James.”

“As True Pairs we share percentage, that’s where the term ‘Blood Twin’ originally came from, that our blood is equally…tainted. Nevaeh made a good guess of your percentage, and my parent’s blood is the same strength as yours’ were…meaning they were broken beyond repair. They had too much Fallen blood to ever truly be good. My mother was completely Human, my father is where my lineage comes from. I grew up very differently than Nevaeh and Kael and you, I assume. I made my first kill before most children were even in school. I used my Sign to burn someone alive before most Fire’s could make a spark. I hunted and killed and tortured and I thought of it as playing. I didn’t even know it wasn’t normal.” He gave a forced bark of laughter before he continued. “It didn’t feel wrong. I hated life, but only because I hated everything…it had nothing to do with the terrible things I was doing. In fact that was probably when I was the closest to happy, in a sick, twisted way. But then he killed my mother…I cleaned it up.”

He idly rubbed his hands together, kneading his fingers into his palms like he was wiping away the blood. He bit his lip after a few more seconds, leaving dents when he spoke again.

“I started to question him soon after. Maybe because of her death, maybe just because I was defiant, maybe because I was hoping to anger him to the point where he would try to kill me again. I had never wanted to live. Then I left, I ran away I guess. I hid for a long time, terrified he would find me, terrified he would make me go back. I can’t quite understand why that scared me so much. I wasn’t afraid of death, I wasn’t afraid of his punishment, I wasn’t afraid of the pain, I only knew I didn’t want to go back. I would stay in a city or town for a couple days before moving on, never leaving a trail…except the missing people when I would kill. I was a mess, I was completely out of control. I had never denied myself violence before, I had never had to. That’s when Jevin found me. He pulled a gun on me the first time we met, it used to be his specialty. I dropped to the ground, crying like a child. I was a child I suppose. I guess he felt sorry for me. He showed me another way to live, it took me a very long time, but finally I started to try and make up for my past life. I took my lifestyle past what Jevin did even.”

He shook his head slightly before leaning back and loosely clasping his hands over his knees.

“Three years after I left my father is when I first started having the memories of her death, and then it wasn’t just her death, it was memories of all the terrible things I’d done. Of me cutting a man’s throat, or burning a woman alive, pulling someone’s arm out of its socket just because my father told me to. He sent me their screams or their voices begging me to stop, sometimes it would seem so real I thought there actually was someone who needed my help. I was afraid I was going insane for a while, but then one night I knew it was him, I don’t know how…but I could feel that it was him sending them to me, to torture me. He can manipulate minds in ways that make my Gifts look like a parlor magician’s.”

He looked up at me for the first time in many minutes, his beautiful blue eyes glistening in the firelight.

“I found him then, and I killed him. He didn’t think I’d ever come back, he wasn’t expecting it. I finally avenged my mother…but the visions didn’t stop. I’ve spent years perfecting my blocks since then, and it worked to some degree, but he can still overpower me on this one day, every year. I don’t know why its only today, but no matter how strong I make my mind, or how hard I try to fasten my blocks, he can always get in on this day. Even from death he’s stronger than me. Even from Hell he can torture me.”

James shifted his eyes to above my head as he finished, searching like he was actually able to look through his own mind. He looked tired, and his eyes looked both glazed from alcohol and his pain, his guilt. I had felt it building as he told me about his childhood, and the things he had done, the people he had killed, the things he had gone through. He ran a hand through his hair before seeming to realize it was still dark and then dropping his arm with a slight pull at his lip, almost like he was disgusted with the mere thought of his resemblance to his father.

“Can you imagine that? Seeing your biggest regret every year, re-feeling all the pain you tried to bury. Re-digging it all up when you can see and understand its significance? Re-tearing open the scars you thought were close to healed? And knowing you aren’t strong enough to stop it? I can’t tell you how terrifying that first year after his death was…I thought I was free, and then it came, just like every other year.”

He said the last words through clenched teeth, his fists balled at his sides. I shook my head slowly, not even being able to comprehend how it would feel to be raised by a monster and then forced to remember that no matter how far you’ve come, no matter how hard you try, you’re still a monster too.

James spoke again, pulling me back to the scene before me.

“I’ve killed Darklings, executed really, for far less than the horrors I’ve done. I can’t even count how many innocent people I killed or tortured or maimed, either on another’s orders or by my own choice. I enjoyed it. I still do…that’s the worst part.”

I had never seen a look of self-loathing like the one I saw on James’ handsome face. I had also never seen his emotions laid so bare. He wasn’t trying to hide a single thought, a single feeling, he let it all to the surface and part of me wanted to look away. The mix of emotions I felt from our connection, even with trying to stay far from his mind, was enough to make me feel drowned, but I kept my head above the waves and I tried to simply listen...like I had told James earlier, he no longer had to shoulder this alone.

James stared into the fire for a long time, his head turned towards it, leaning back on his chair. The firelight made his skin glow like a god’s and shadows played in the angles of his throat and collarbones, making his scar gleam a bright white.  He was almost more beautiful with dark hair, it gave his face the contrast it had been missing and made his eyes look even more other-worldly in their navy color. Even with his tormented feelings in my head, I couldn’t help but be in awe of how perfect he was. I knew he hated himself, but in that moment I felt like I loved him enough for the both of us. I knew he was good, even if he didn’t believe it himself.

My mind snagged on the word that came to mind when I thought of him; love. I suppose I had known for a long time, but I had been too proud to admit it, even to my own mind. I had buried it for the past months and now it almost felt like a revelation. I first realized I loved him when I thought I had lost him, when I thought the Serpentine’s poison was going to take him, but now it seemed natural to connect the words in my mind. I loved James. I was _in love_ with James.

I took a chance and broke the silence. I needed to let him know that I didn’t think any less of him. He needed to know that someone cared about him no matter what he had done in his past, or who his father was. I honestly didn’t care. I took a deep breath and sent a silent prayer to whatever was out there to give me the right words.

“I guess I should think of a new name for you then, since you don’t really look like a lion anymore. Maybe wolf. You’ve always looked like one, I just couldn’t notice because of the hair.”

I reached out and touched the end of his darkened hair where it had fallen in front of his face.

He slowly moved his eyes to mine, his face still turned to the fire. His eyes were shaded by thick, dark lashes making them look as black as his hair. He looked so tormented, with the same tortured look in his eyes I had seen glimpses of before, but now it was completely raw, for all the world to see. I was glad we were alone. He didn’t need others to see him like this. We sat there for a while, in front of his fire, feeling the heat slowly thaw my mind into realizing what all he had told me.

Finally James spoke.

“A wolf in lion’s clothing.” He let out a hard, humorless chuckle.

“So I don’t remind you of a lion anymore, not regal enough?”

He was trying to sound mischievous, but I wasn’t buying it.

“Actually I always thought wolves were more majestic…they’re my favorite animal.”

He looked like he was searching for something in my face, looking through me almost. He seemed to give up his hunt and stared back into the fire, arms clasped around the tops of his knees. After a few minutes I started to worry that he was building his walls up again, preparing to be cold and hard. I didn’t want to lose him to that again, this was the most human I had ever seen him. I didn’t want _him_ to lose that.

I reached out and ran my fingers lightly through his hair. It was just as soft and smooth as the last time. I ran my hand all the way back to his neck. He stiffened at my touch like he had forgotten I was there and I paused, wondering if I had crossed some boundary. I realized I was holding my breath and slowly let it out as I pulled my hand back. I looked at the fire instead, watching the flames jump and die down. Suddenly I felt a hand lightly grasp my wrist. I looked over cautiously and was met by the same searching look, his dark eyes looking for something in me. James slowly leaned down, lightly laying his head in my lap and placing my hand on his head.

I was completely shocked by this uncharacteristic move from James, but every part of me just wanted to comfort him. I stroked his dark hair back, just like I had when he was pulled into his memory earlier that night. I combed his hair through my fingers while he stared into the flames. Slowly he relaxed, his head nestled in my lap getting heavier until he was eased completely against me. Eventually his eyes closed and his breathing slowed. We stayed like that for what seemed hours, me petting his hair while he silently lay in my lap. He really did remind me of a wolf. I almost dozed a couple times, my hands in his hair, but then I would wake up and realize it wasn’t just a dream. I’d look down at James and not be able to help but smile a little at how natural it all seemed; a wolf on my lap, in front of his fire.

It was one of the times I was smiling down at James when he spoke next.

“Would you like to hear a rhyme my father used to tell me when I was a child?”

His voice was sleepily murmured, his eyes still closed. Seeing him like this and being so close to him was making me feel strange, like I could float. I felt connected to him in a way I had never felt with another person before. It scared me, but it was James…it was my partner, my Twin. I could trust him.

I pushed his soft hair back as I replied in a quiet voice.

“You can tell me anything.”

I saw a small, sad smile play on his lips for a moment before it disappeared and he spoke:

_“Leave love to the damned and be destroyed by her soft hands._

_Leave mercy to the Fallen and have your power stolen._

_Leave faith to the deprived and it will unravel your mind._

_Leave kindness to the strong and be haunted by your wrongs._

_Leave trust to the dark and be weakened by your heart._

_Leave a heart in your chest and it will surely be your death.”_

I felt my heart contract a moment before the sadness hit. What a terrible poem to tell a child, that love and kindness would be your downfall, that faith would take your sanity, that caring for something would kill you.

“That’s horrible.” I said quietly.

There was a long pause and I almost thought James had fallen asleep. I found myself listening to the fire crackling as I continued to play with his hair, and then he broke the silence.

“Yeah…I guess it is.”

He had a small smile on his face again, but it was bitter at the edges.

“I used to believe it too, every word. For years, it’s all I knew, and then…I couldn’t live like that anymore. I stopped and I tried, but they all died, they always die…and what do I believe now?”

James wasn’t making sense anymore, his words were strung too close together and I could tell he was close to sleep. I continued to run my fingers through his dark hair until his breathing evened and he looked peaceful again.


	29. Chapter 29

**If I fall asleep, please don't let me dream**

**I keep on wishing that I'll forget those awful things I've seen**

**Is there a way to tell the difference in between,**

**A dream and a memory?**

_In Fear and Faith - Dream Catcher_

 

I’m not sure at what point I fell asleep, but I knew it was a dream from the start. I was in an impressive house, not like the clan’s manor, this was more luxurious, more extravagant, like a true mansion. I saw a child walking up the stairs, maybe eight or nine. He looked so small on the grand, stone staircase. His hair was pitch black like the shadows in the corners of the room. I knew it was James. Someone dressed like a maid or house-worker walked by him, avoiding his gaze and leaning against the rail, trying to stay as far from him as possible. I saw the little boy turn to look at her right as she made the mistake of glancing at him too. He flashed a smile at her, his teeth like razors, his eyes changing to black pools. The woman let out a small squeaked scream before hurrying past him on the steps.

The scene melted into a dark room with a man sitting in a chair, his arms were tied behind him and his head hung. I heard a door clang shut and the man lifted his head, his eyes immediately took on a look of dread and I saw his neck tense, the thin skin stretched in fear. The man’s voice was raspy and weak when he spoke.

“Please…let me go, I don’t know what he needs, I can’t do anything for him. There’s nothing I can do. Please, just let me go. I know you don’t want to do this, you’re just a child, he’s making you, I know. I can help you.”

As soon as he spoke the last words I cringed. I assumed it was James who had come into the room, and offering help didn’t seem like the smartest thing to say to him. The voice that answered was smooth and mocking; definitely James. He was a young teenager, thirteen I’d guess. He walked into the dim light and the man pushed back in his chair, trying to get as far from him as possible within his constraints. James had a thin knife in one hand, and a series of cuts neatly lined up on his other hand and arm. They ran from the center of the back of his left hand halfway to his elbow and they looked fresh, blood still ran from one of them. The man’s eyes sank to the wounds and I heard James laugh. He somehow sounded the exact same and yet completely different; his voice colder, his laugh darker, it made me shiver even in my dream.

“You like my clock? Each hour you don’t tell me what I need to know I have to mark. Each mark represents a debt to my father, each debt is another reason he owns me. After all, I’m his, my blood is his, my soul. Poetic, isn’t it?”

James’ eyes had the look of amusement in them that I had grown accustomed to, but it was different, just like everything else about him, the same but not. A clock somewhere in the house struck eleven and James turned his face to the noise before a sly smile pulled up the corner of his mouth.

“That’s the seventh hour…one more debt I owe. Did you know that means you’ve just killed seven people by not telling me what I need? That’s what most of his errands are for me, well, maybe he’ll use a couple of my marks as punishments…so maybe you’ve only murdering five people. Probably children, my father hates children. Do you have any?”

James moved the knife to his arm and then paused, crouching down in front of the man.

“Would you like to watch? You can picture me cutting into them instead of poor ;little me if it makes things easier.”

James laughed again, throwing his head back. Then he took the knife and laid it against his skin, he slid it back slowly, watching the blood leak from the cut. His face stayed completely still as he made the mark, not even an inkling of pain or emotion in his eyes, like a machine. He had his head cocked slightly, like he sometimes did when he was thinking of something, or seeing something strange.

When the cut was made, perfectly lined up with the others, perfectly spaced, James tossed the knife to the corner of the room and looked back to the man whose face now had a look of horror and disgust on it.

“L-look kid, I can help you get out of here, I can get you the…the help you need. I know you don’t want to do this, you think you have to, I-I get it, but you don’t want to. Just let me go and I can save you from this.”

The man looked like he might get sick, but his words were louder this time.

James cocked his head again, in the opposite direction this time, and let his arm drop to his side, the blood slowly running down to his fingers.

“I’m sorry but you’re gravely mistaken, no one can save me. Now, let’s try this again. I do hope I won’t need another mark before you tell me what I need to know…oh, and as for your earlier remark…I _do_ want to do this, trust me, I want to do this very much.”

In a blink James’ eyes went dark and the room seemed to sizzle with power. The man almost screamed when he saw James’ Shift.

“Wh-what are you?” The captive stammered after he had recovered from his shock.

James chuckled before answering, baring his teeth as he did so.

“I’m an Angel, can’t you tell?”

The room swam again and disappeared into darkness. This time I saw a study, a fireplace crackled on the far wall and I felt myself walking towards it. There was a small child, not more than five curled up next to the fire and he sniffled as I approached. He looked up and his wide dark eyes looked terrified, wet streaks ran down his cheeks. He held his arm against his chest and I could see blackened flesh peeking out from his sleeve. He had blood on his face and a bruise on one cheek just beginning to swell. I wanted to drop to my knees and help the poor child, but it was like I was merely watching from another person’s eyes.

A voice that wasn’t my own came from me.

“Don’t cry, it’s pathetic and weak and if your father found you like this he would kill you. Go find someone to wrap your hand, then go practice again. If you weren’t so careless with your training you wouldn’t have burnt yourself in the first place and your father wouldn’t have had to punish you. Now leave, I can’t stand the sight of you any longer.”

The voice was a woman’s and from her tone and the pitiful look in the little boy’s - in James’ - eyes, I guessed it was his mother. I felt anger boil up in me. How dare she treat him that way! He was her child, and she acted like she despised him.

The last scene I saw was of the thirteen year old James again. He had thin scars on his arm now, running up from the back of his left hand. They looked fairly recent, the wounds just changed from scab to new, light skin. Only a couple weeks after the scene with the man I guessed. James was sitting on the end of his bed, his feet planted on the ground, staring unseeing out ahead of him. He slowly rubbed the scars, starting with the ones on the back of his hand and moving up his arm. His lips were moving but I couldn’t tell what he was saying, then his eyes dropped to his scars and I could make out the words.

“Lucy, Eric, Dale, the new servant girl, Madeline, and then my punishments…” He spoke as if each mark was a name, saying each as he ran his finger over the representative line. The last two were his punishments; seven scars all together. He raised his eyes as he rubbed the last scar.

“Last one…I’ll be faster next time.”

His eyes looked dead as he stared out into his room again.

The door opened and a woman with light auburn hair stood in the doorway, she was pretty but everything about her seemed harsh.

“You’re father wants to see you, he isn’t in a good mood so I wouldn’t keep him waiting if I was you. Bring your knife, you owe him something.” She said the last words with a smile touching her lips. She knew what was about to happen, and she was happy about it. I felt my stomach turn at the thought.

As James stood the light from the doorway fell across his face and neck and something looked different. I realized that the skin across his throat was unmarred by any mark or line or scar. Some part of me knew that after the night I was watching the scar would be there. Some part of me knew this was when he got it. James grabbed the same thin knife he had used to make his marks from a drawer by his bedside and walked past his mother without looking at her. She closed the door and the room was plunged into darkness.

\---

I woke up in a soft, warm bed surrounded by the most wonderful smell; pine and smoke and mint. I smiled and stretched, feeling soft sheets on my skin…then I remembered where I had fallen asleep. I opened my eyes to see a dark ceiling. I sat up in James’ bed, but he wasn’t there. I even lifted the covers to see if he was the buried-type of sleeper, but he clearly wasn’t. I slid my feet from the side of the bed and slowly moved them to the floor, trying to make the bed’s sighs as quiet as possible. I saw a tuft of dark hair sticking out from the end of the couch by the fire and walked over to find James sleeping there. My connection didn’t feel any sorrow or guilt and the crushing pain was gone too. I was glad he was finally getting some peace, even if it was only in unconsciousness.

I silently opened his door and slipped out, closing it behind me before I walked across the dark basement. At the top of the stairs I finally took a deep breath. I couldn’t believe all that had happened the night before. I felt in a daze. I felt like I actually knew James…and then my dreams came back to me and I had to fight the tears burning behind my eyes. How strange to think the only thing that had made me feel any real emotions were the emotions of someone else, the past of someone else. I felt my heart jump a little as I thought of the strange feelings I had for James. I pushed them from my mind as I turned the handle to the kitchen.

Light blinded me as I opened the door. I thought it was still the middle of the night, or maybe early morning, early enough for it to still be dark outside, clearly I had approximated incorrectly…by quite a few hours. Kael and Nevaeh were sitting at the breakfast bar eating what looked like salads with an assortment of candied nuts in little cups next to them. Kael had a large forkful of greens mostly in his mouth, but he pulled it back out after a moment of shocked silence. His opened mouth quickly turned into a smile and he slid from his stool and closed the few feet between us quickly, patting me on the back before he stepped back and leaned on the counter.

“So, it went well. You are alive, and you don’t look unhappy…or maimed or injured. And you were with him all night…you aren’t pregnant, are you?”

Kael feigned a concerned look before laughing and shaking his crazily spiked hair. I couldn’t help but notice the sneer on Nevaeh’s face, but even the idea of rubbing in the fact that I had technically spent the night with James didn’t seem appealing. What we had gone through, what we had shared, it hardly seemed right to gloat. It had been private and intimate in a way I didn’t really understand or even know how to feel about.

Instead of playing along with Kael I just smiled and grabbed a mug from the counter.

“We talked, that’s all.”

“What! Not even a goodnight kiss? You two are bo-ring.”

Kael gave a mischievous smirk before returning to his seat and forcing a huge mouthful of leaves into his mouth.

I may have been searching for a change in subject, or maybe the thought just came to me, but I realized I had still never asked about why the manor seemed vegetarian. I nodded to the salads before I spoke.

“You didn’t tell me when you asked me to stay here that I would have to give up steak, you know. Maybe I would have decided differently if you had.”

Kael snorted a short laugh as he chewed.

“That’s my fault mainly, and a little of Nevaeh’s doing as well. As an Earth, I’m fairly well connected to my environment and nature. Long story short; I can’t eat meat, it makes me sick. Nevaeh’s father was an Earth too, so she grew up in a vegetarian home. James enjoys a nice steak every once in a while, but he mainly keeps it out of the house out of respect for me and Nev’s old family-life.”

The whole time Kael had been giving his explanation he had continued to unload large forkfuls of greenery into his mouth. Nevaeh merely picked at hers, a scowl on her pretty face.

A groggy voice spoke from the hallway behind me, making my heart skip a beat.

“G’morning. Anybody make tea yet?”

I casually turned but Nevaeh and Kael’s heads both snapped to James at the sound of his voice.

There was a cast-iron kettle still steaming on the stove top so I poured hot water for us both and handed him one mug as he made a big show of stretching and cracking his back, neck and seemingly every possible location in his hands.

“Rough night?” Kael asked casually, but with a playful look in his eyes.

“Yeah lil’ bit actually…she’s been trained really well, brother. She caught me off guard a couple times, laid me out actually. “

“Oh, she got you off-I mean caught you off, did she?” Kael joked, James just smacked the side of his head as he walked by.

His hair was blonde again, which didn’t surprise me. I assumed just because he and I had had the conversations we had, didn’t mean he’d tell everyone, or maybe Kael knew, it didn’t matter. I smiled into my mug as I thought about all the things he had shared with me.

“What are you grinning at?” James said teasingly as he crossed the kitchen towards me. About halfway to me it looked as if he wasn’t sure how close to get, so he leaned on the island instead.

“Just good tea, that’s all.” I said before taking a big sip that burned the roof of my mouth.

“So True Pairs, eh? Fucking fantastic! I guess that explains why she’s so good, right? She’s your mirror, your well…pair! This is going to be great. Do you guys share Signs and Gifts too? Can you talk to each other in your heads? Like I know Jordan can hear stuff, but can she reply? Give me details, this is legendary!”

Kael was acting like an excited puppy again. If he had a tail it would have been wagging furiously.

James dropped his head and chuckled a little before replying.

“Let me check.”

_I heard you last night, you said my name. You said it in your head and I heard you after my memory when I was trying to…well, try it again?_

James’ thoughts seemed so natural in my head and I loved the extra layer of fire they brought. I had felt his presence on me ever since he came up from the stairs, but it was always more intense when he spoke to me in this way. I kept sipping my tea as I tried to focus on his mind.

_Your bed is nice._

James seemed to choke on his tea for a second before it turned to a slight laugh. His smile almost reached his eyes as they met mine above the rim of my cup.

_Thank you, I like it too usually._

A second later he dropped his eyes and drained his mug before casually replying 'Yup.' to Kael and rummaging through the fridge. Kael looked like a kid on Christmas morning.

“What about your Signs? Gifts? Aren’t you supposed to have some…I don’t know, some overlap?”

“Hey, I only know as much as you do. And since I haven’t spent much time with my Pair, I haven’t tested these things. We’ll have to do a little extra training and exploring I think.”

James’ words made me feel a little giddy. I would be training with him. Last night wasn’t just a one-time thing. I would actually be around him on a regular basis. I sipped my tea to hide my smile.

Kael made a suggestive face at James’ word choice which Nevaeh rolled her eyes at before sliding off her barstool and heading for the stairs. James continued.

“What I do know is that we need to get her Sign to appear before we can really try anything out. I might have had one mix…but I’m not certain.”

I saw a flash of memory in my head, of James throwing his arm out and wind knocking me back from the road in the city the second time I had ever seen him. I felt James’ surprise at what he had done…and then I was back in the kitchen. I glanced to James who was waiting for me. He had one eyebrow raised, asking if I understood what the memory meant. I gave a slight nod before finishing my tea and setting the mug in the sink.

I had thought the same thing before. How could he have thrown that gust of wind at me, how could he have saved me, if he had no connection to Air? I had to stop myself from smiling again. I liked being connected to him.

_I like it too._

I was shocked to hear James’ reply in my head.

_We’ll work on your blocks more and the guards for your mind; don’t worry._

I took a chance and tried to silently ask him a question, to see if he could really hear me all the time when I directed my thoughts at him.

_How come I can turn off my Gift, but you can’t? Why can I turn on the fire now but you can’t block me anymore?_

James’ face took on a mischievous look before I heard his reply.

_I can’t turn off my Gift, my visions, my…way of trying to understand people. My power is always there, so I could block you before, but I could never actually stop our Gifts from connecting. You can shut yours off completely, just like Kael can, and Nevaeh, but since I don’t choose when my visions come, I can’t turn it off. Blocking you is incredibly difficult now, so the only way either of us will ever get any peace is when you turn off your Gift._

His words made me smile, the undercurrent of his last statement was clearly meant to be humorous.

During our entire mini-conversation, Kael had been quietly watching. Now he spoke up.

“That’s creepy cool. Our enemies won’t even know what hit them. And I thought Nev and I had some great chemistry. We’ll be unstoppable!”

Kael hopped off his stool and started walking towards the stairs like Nev before he turned.

“Are we visiting the pack today? Ace thinks something’s brewing tonight, being on-call might be smart.”

James gave a quick nod and then we were alone.

“So, you like my bed.”

He had an amused smile pulling up one side of his mouth and the cocky look in his eyes made it seem a little sexy.

I smirked back.

“It’s alright. How was the couch?”

He let out a breath of laughter.

“I can honestly say that’s the best night’s sleep I’ve gotten in weeks. And it’s because you’re stubborn and frustrating…and exactly what I needed. You really are my Pair, thank you.”

I smiled at him before walking towards the hall but stopped when I heard him speak.

“Will you be joining us tonight? I think it’s about time you had some field experience, don’t you?”


	30. Chapter 30

**What you give is what you get,**

**And it doesn't make sense to make do**

_Neck Deep - Gold Steps_

 

The car ride to the city seemed oddly edgy. Kael kept clenching his fists in his lap, or rubbing his knuckles, no trace of his puppy-ness present. Nevaeh kept coiling and recoiling her whip around her wrist, a small frown on her pretty face. And then there was James, driving. His eyes didn’t leave the road the entire time, but I saw his hands tense on the steering wheel before relaxing more than once, a small curve at the end of his lips, almost an unconscious smile. I wondered what was in his head, but I kept my Gift off, I didn’t want to invade the others right then. As quiet as the car was, it wasn’t a nervous tension in the air, almost an excitement, though Kael seemed possibly nervous, most likely for my sake.

Kael had told me before we left a little of what was going on. I knew we were going to a man named Ace. Kael had said he was a Shape-Shifter, a wolf and the head of the pack in the city. I assumed this meant a Werewolf, and after meeting Jevin, I was interested to see how the real thing would differ from the myth. James had apparently employed Ace’s pack as his personal watch dogs and clean up service for any evidence a Darkling might leave behind in the city. Kael mentioned that there weren’t only Shifters in the city, but also hunters of these creatures, of all creatures, though they were rarely foolish, bold or radical enough to attempt to take down Darklings. Some things thought ‘cursed’ beings, like Vampyres and Werewolves, didn’t deserve life…and apparently Ace’s pack had been caught off guard on two previous occasions. This is where we came in, in return for the pack’s help, James had promised protection from hunters…and this was him making good on his word.

Kael’s eyes narrowed when he told me that the first time I had seen James after one of his ‘nights out’, when he had pretended to be drunk, was after his first repayment to Ace's pack, distracting the hunters until the wolves could get to safety. Kael quickly changed topics then, after saying a little bitterly that he was glad James wasn’t trying to go it alone again.

I snapped back into the present as the car came to a rolling halt. James gave a little nod to Kael, which apparently was in some kind of brother language I was not fluent in because Kael swiftly opened his door and was out and ushering Nevaeh from the car within seconds. James and I sat in silence for a moment before he spoke.

“Watch your back tonight. If this is the same group as the last time-” I saw something like a wince as a memory passed across his face- “they aren’t the reasonable kind, they don’t care that this pack isn’t violent towards Humans, they don’t care that they are under the control of a non-cursed being…they just want blood and they will take anyone else down that tries to stop them.”

James breathed a couple words too quiet for me to hear, but the rush of power I felt made me able to guess at them. I flipped the switch in my head and felt a second rush from his current, even greater than the first, as I opened the car door. I paused when the feeling intensified and I felt his mind in mine.

_They’re Human too…they don’t look like Demons or monsters. I don’t kill Humans unless they are evil…some hunters aren’t evil, just misguided…this isn’t that type of hunter. Kill on sight, they’ll try to do the same to you._

A shiver ran up my spine as I walked to the sidewalk where Kael and Nevaeh were waiting, James joined thirty seconds later. I looked around for the first time, taking in the decrepit suburb we were in.

The sidewalks were cracked and there was garbage strewn along the fences and yards. Calling the place a dump would have been too complimentary. The street was deserted, even though it was only early evening. James adjusted something on his wrists before walking towards a house two yards further down the street. I felt something strange in the air, almost like a brittle fear, but there was something familiar about it. Suddenly I understood why James grimaced when he spoke to me in the car. The last time he had had a run in with these hunters, I distinctly remember him pulling a bullet from his leg, his calf more specifically. James glanced back at me a second after the memory flashed through my head. Our eyes met and I saw the closest thing to fear in his dark depths I ever had. I quickened my pace until I was by his side.

“They use guns?” I asked quietly, watching James’ face for any signs. His lips tightened before he replied.

“A lot of people use guns. I don’t freeze anymore…I’m not a child anymore. They don’t scare me.”

He sounded almost insulted I had even thought he had such a weakness, but under his defensiveness, I knew he was lying. He _was_ afraid.

“You’re allowed to be afraid, you know. Kael even told me fear is something that Darklings _should_ have, self-preservation, caution. You can talk about it. I can tell when you’re lying anyways.”

I continued watching James as we walked, but he ignored my comment, the muscle in his jaw jumping each time he clenched.

“Fine, don’t answer. Why were you smiling then? If you are _afraid_ of their guns,” I put special emphasis on the word, “then why did you look like you were trying to hide a grin in the car?”

James glanced to me at this point.

“Yeah, I saw the smile, don’t act surprised.”

He looked ahead again but I saw a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth.

“I have some unfinished business with one of the hunters, that’s all.”

“So you’re excited to kill the guy?”

James slowed and looked at me when I said this, his face unreadable. I tried to focus on him like I did when I had spoken to him in the kitchen, when he had heard me in his head like I did with him.

_I’m excited too._

I spoke honestly. He smirked again as he heard my thoughts before we quickened our pace and turned up the sidewalk of a yellowish house with dead flowers in pots on the porch.

I saw the door open before we were even to the stairs. A man in a red shirt and dirty jeans stood barefoot before us, his hair a whiteish blonde. He wasn’t a big guy, and for some reason that surprised me. He was leaning on the door jam in a casual pose that reminded me of James in some ways, but his eyes looked worried. He ushered us in without a word and closed the door behind us. He turned to us once we were all inside but James spoke before the man had a chance.

“I’m sorry you lost one of your group. He was a good man. Poison is a cowards weapon.”

The man looked to the ground for a moment, his teeth bared on one side, before shaking his head and looking back at us.

“He shouldn’t have stayed back with you, he should have left with us…I don’t blame you for his arrogance. You aren’t supposed to save us, just give us time to escape. My pack understands that.”

The man’s voice lilted with an English accent. He seemed to really look at us for the first time then, and when is light blue eyes came to me they paused. He stuck his chin in my direction before speaking.

“She’s new.”

I immediately looked to James, expecting him to answer, but he merely looked back at me. After a couple seconds of awkward pause I realized he expected me to answer.

“I’m Jordan, and I am new. I’ve been with the clan a couple months now.”

The man nodded to me but replied to James.

“I heard rumors you had a new member…let’s hope she lives up to everything people are saying, we’ll need it. My men report that the hunters are coming tonight to our woods, I don’t know how they found our home, how they possibly could have gotten that information, but they have and they’re coming…all of them” The worried look was back in his eyes.

“The children have been moved, but all the adults are staying…we aren’t asking you to fight _for_ us, but _with_ us this time. We need to end these hunters once and for all.”

Ace said the last words through his teeth. Even though he was only as tall as me, and maybe ten pounds heavier, the way he spoke, and the way he was close to growling at times made him seem a lot more like an alpha than a mere man.

James seemed to be pondering something, and I was a little shocked when Kael spoke up.

“You have all of us here this time, you don’t have to stay. We can take them on our own, no risk to you. You’ve lost enough to these hunters, Ace.”

If I thought Ace seemed canine-like before, now he looked like a true wolf. He barred his teeth and his lip curled back involuntarily before he closed his eyes for a moment and regained control.

“I apologize, the moon is close and-“

James cut him off.

“We understand, all our Shifts are close under our skin tonight. You don’t have to explain.” James sounded oddly understanding and Ace looked surprised.

“Thank you, King, I appreciate your words…and yours.” He added the last part to Kael before continuing. “But we will stay, I gave the choice to all my pack, the ones that are of age have all decided to fight.”

James nodded slightly.

“Then let’s go. Where is your real home? I can’t say I’m disappointed that this isn’t where you actually live.”

Ace smiled at this and itched his ear, more like batted at it.

“Did you drive?”

James jingled the keys and Ace’s smile widened.

“You aren’t going to stick your head out the window, are you? Cause that would be embarrassing.”

Ace let out a few mocking yips before opening the door and strutting out. James followed, with the rest of us close behind.

Ace sat in the backseat with Nevaeh and me, and just his presence seemed to have changed the atmosphere of the drive, except it was an odd dual-effect. He was trying hard to be friendly, but I could tell he was nervous, both about the fight imminently approaching and the people he would be fighting with. I had to remind myself that it was probably pretty scary to be in a car with a clan of Darklings, especially one that included James. I could relate in a small way. I distinctly remembered my own fears of James, on many occasions. As if I didn’t pick up on his wariness to begin with, Ace’s knee was bouncing continuously during the drive as well and I was amazed by the amount of heat he radiated. The side of me next to him in the car was almost breaking into a sweat. He hadn’t grabbed shoes or a coat before we left, but I could see why. They didn’t seem necessary for someone as warm as him.

Ace gave James some short directions, but after a few attempts at brittle jokes, the car was silent for the majority of the ride. Finally I couldn’t stand his knee-bouncing anymore and laid my hand on his leg to still him. He froze and looked down at my hand for a moment before he spoke.

“I’m sorry, love, I don’t like your kind like that.”

His grin showed more teeth than I thought was possible.

“I knew it!” Nevaeh exclaimed on the other side of me, before clapping a hand over her mouth.

“Knew what?” Ace asked in a confused tone.

I had never seen Nevaeh blush, but she flushed from her neck all the way to her high cheek bones before answering.

“Well…that you like men.” She sounded almost defensive now and she looked to Kael for affirmation. Instead I heard him try to stifle a laugh from the front seat, which he quickly converted into a cough. Even James’ shoulders shook slightly in a silent chuckle. The only man in the car who didn’t seem to see the humor of the situation was Ace. He leaned forward in his seat until he could look past me to Nevaeh, who looked even more uncomfortable now.

“And if I do? Why do my bed partners concern you, Shade?”

To Nevaeh Ace probably looked threatening, but I saw a twinkle in the corners of his eyes that made it clear he was toying with her. I kept my observation to myself though.

“You just don’t seem interested in women, so gay was my running theory, that’s all. I don’t care who you sleep with to be honest.”

Nev had gone from embarrassed to bratty in such a seamless transition it still sometimes surprised me. She spoke with a sneer now where she had seemed worried a moment before. Her mood swings were almost impressive, in an annoying kind of way.

Ace held her gaze for a moment longer before a grin spread across his face.

“I’m actually not…I’m not interested in you firstly because I don’t date broken Angels…but the true reason is because I’m betrothed to a woman in my clan and frankly, you just don’t compare, love.”

Ace gave her quick wink after his polite insult before leaning back and settling into his seat with a self-satisfied smirk. Nevaeh had her signature pout painted on her lips for the rest of the car ride.

After a few more minutes of silence, Ace started thumping his leg again, and humming. It was driving me insane but I didn’t do anything that time. I caught James’ eyes in the rear-view mirror though and he raised his eyebrows in silent agreement. Finally he apparently had had enough and spoke.

“Well you seem much more chipper now than upon our previous meetings.”

Ace looked up with bright eyes and his lips pulled back into a strangely dog-like smile.

“I know you now, you’ve fought for me, you’ve bled for me. And I assume you’re clan is as dedicated as you. So I’ve decided to not resent my employer. If you were going to kill me, you would have by now anyways…and you wouldn’t have risked your life for my pack…or even answered my call for aid tonight. And from what I have heard, this is the first time your new member has graced the world outside of her trainings in your home, which I see as a sign of good faith.” Ace paused for a moment, but I could tell he was going to say more. Apparently James could too, because he remained quiet.

“I have also decided to not blame you for my brother’s death. You did what you could and I saw you after the fight…you didn’t come out unscathed. You were fighting just as hard as he, except you have Heaven on your side, or Hell, depending on what legends you believe.”

Ace’s smile at his words looked sinister, but James seemed unaffected.

“As long as you keep our deal, I’ll honor my end. What’s a leader without his word, right?”

James smiled back at us, but the edge was back in his eyes. Ace noticed and swallowed hard.

“Of course, I wasn’t minimizing the role my pack will continue to act out for you. I like how our deal currently stands. In all honestly my mood is probably more due to the moon and the chance to end this thorn in my side more than my familiarity with you. The moon and its power makes our Shift stronger. It’s a feeling I cherish, that's all.”

Ace looked almost nervous again, and I felt a little bad for him.

“Just remember I can still change our agreement and kill you whenever I want. So don’t get too comfortable.” James’ voice was smooth like usual, but it had a clear teasing undercurrent. I smirked at him in the rear view mirror. His humor fit him well.

Kael spoke up after a moment’s silence.

“I know what you’re saying. I think we’re all ready to be rid of these hunters. And I might not have the moon egging me on, but I can’t wait to let my Shift out. Things’ll get bloody tonight and I'm ready.”

Ace and Kael shared a knowing look before Ace directed James down a dirt road on the left of the badly-paved road we had been on for a few minutes. We had been driving through woods for close to a half-hour and frankly I didn't have the slightest clue to where we were even before the labyrinth of dirt trails Ace lead us through. Finally a large cabin loomed ahead of the car. It almost looked like a small bed-n-breakfast in a rustic, homey way.

“Is this your home?” I asked from Ace’s side.

He nodded and a small smile was back on his lips. It looked like he was looking at an old friend. I was almost jealous of the love he seemed to have for the house. I loved the manor in a way, but I still didn’t feel like it was my home. I still didn't feel how Ace did for the log house before us.

“This is not just my home, but my entire pack’s den, our base, you could say. It’s been with this pack for generations, regardless of who the Alpha is. I’m honored for it to be mine."  
 A moment later his eyebrows came together and I saw his jaw tense.

“The hunters coming today are not just coming after my people, but attacking the only home many of us have ever known. We’ve never been found, never had to defend this place. You are the only outsiders to ever lay eyes on this place, and live.”

Kael spoke up again at this.

“Then let’s prepare, I’m sure we’ll need a little planning…especially if the hunters are coming with all they’ve got. By the end of the night, there won’t be a single one left.”

Kael’s words seemed foreign to him, but he said them so casually, so naturally, it reminded me that he wasn’t the puppy I often likened him to; he was a warrior. It was easy to see James as a killer, and Nevaeh was such a bitch I suppose I could imagine her fighting almost anyone…but Kael? It still seemed strange to me, despite his size, despite his past.

Inside the  house was surprisingly warm, in every meaning of the word. It was pretty and rustic and truly seemed like a cozy home a grandmother would live in, baking cookies and knitting her days away. It was far from the clan’s Victorian-style castle, and with the enormous amount of people inside, it seemed like a holiday get together. When Ace had said his pack was waiting for us, I had assumed he meant five or ten. I had assumed wrong.

As soon as we walking into the house, we were met with bellows of laughter and the loud chaos of many people talking. The first room when you entered was just an open area, like a large meeting room or mess hall. It was full of people, probably close to twenty five; men and women and some older teenagers. I was shocked, and then doubly shocked when I saw a boy who had been in one of my classes months earlier. I had literally had a class with a piece of the world I craved, months before I had even learned what was really out there. He caught my eye and a look of shock came to his face as well, matching my own. He walked over slowly, I met him halfway.

“Miss Kay, right?” He said in a cautious tone.

“Theo.” I nodded to him in like greeting.

“I didn’t know you were part of the Overworld clan we work for.” His tone was still suspicious, but respectful and not unfriendly.

“Neither did I. I just…discovered my kind a few months ago actually.”

I saw Theo’s eyebrows rise in surprise for the second time before he nodded. After a moment Kael appeared by my side. He nodded to Theo before glancing between us.

“You two know each other?”

He sounded friendly, but I could tell he was feeling protective. Brotherly affection practically poured from his mind.

I smiled at him and nudged his arm before replying.

“Yeah, we had Criminal Law together back when…”

“Back when you were Human, or thought you were?” Theo chimed in with a small smile. “Things change quickly, don’t they? Aren’t you the one who fell asleep the first day, in the front row? I was almost impressed.”

I merely shrugged.

“I never liked Legal Studies.” This gained a chuckle from Theo and Kael alike.

“Well, you’re new life suits you, you look-“

“Theo!” One of the men in the corner of the room called out and Theo smiled shortly before turning and striding away.

James and Nevaeh walked up as Kael began making kissy noises at me, but he stopped when I glared at him.

“What? First that hunk at the bar and now wolf-boy-classmate. You’re a little heartbreaker.”

I hit him with the back of my hand, but I couldn’t help but smile. Kael always made me smile. James had a smirk on too, but it didn’t look pleasant.

My analysis of his fake smile was cut short as a loud outburst came from the corner Theo had joined. Nevaeh’s hand twitched towards her wrist where her whip was coiled but James batted it away just as quickly. He positioned himself in front of us though, just slightly, almost like he hadn’t even meant to, just a turn of his shoulders, a changing of his stance. I took a step to the side anyway, to get a better view.

“We don’t need Demon-spawn crawling around our home helping us! This is a family matter and I don’t want some broken little cupids waving around enchantments and acting like our friends. They have four fraction-Angels and we have a whole pack. We don’t need them…and I don’t want them here. I’m not the only one.”

A tall man with dark tangled hair and a partial beard was yelling at Ace, waving his hand in our direction all the while. He continued after a moment’s pause when Ace said nothing.

“I didn’t like the deal you made with that _boy_ they follow, but I bit my tongue, but this…this is too far. You’ve brought them to our home. You’ve asked for help? Did you beg? Since when do we ask to be saved?”

The man’s face was red now and along with his scruffy facial hair, he looked older, though he was probably only in his late-thirties.

He looked over and his eyes met mine for a moment. I sent out my Gift without a th and it on just his mind like Kael had taught me.

_Bloody Angels trying to take us over, trying to own us. Stupid children who think that just because we both Shift, we’re somehow the same, we may be cursed but we aren’t yet damned. We are nothing like those creature. I don’t want Hell in my home. I don’t want their stench and stain anywhere near me. Ace shouldn’t be leading, he has no pride in this den, in this pack, his kind. I would never lay down at these disgusting creatures’ feet like a lap dog…_

The amount of malice in his mind made me straighten where I stood and my fists ball at my sides. Even though James was in front of me, he half-turned at my movement with a question in his eyes. I switched my focus to him and tried to see if he was open to me. The electricity was there and it made my lips curve slightly; he felt like a flame near my skin, sometimes burning, but others just warming me…then I remembered what was going on around us and was pulled back from basking in the feelings of him.

_What does he want? What did you see?_

James’ mind filled mine and I was glad he assumed I had already used my Gift on the man. I felt oddly pleased. I focused on him harder, like I had the few times we'd spoken this way.

_He doesn’t want help, or to look weak. He wants Ace’s place and he doesn’t trust us. He doesn’t want to be controlled by us…or by Ace. He thinks we’re damned._

James’ eyebrows raised at my mention of being damned, along with a little shrug of agreement.

“Then let’s ease his mind.”

He spoke out loud now, but in a low voice just to me. He glanced to Kael and Nevaeh, smiling slightly, but it was all lethality at the edges. His eyes were dark when he looked back to me, black pits in his beautiful face, and then in a flash he was across the room.

The man took a shocked step back at how quickly James appeared before him, but when he saw James’ Shift he stepped forward again. I heard his thoughts, that he couldn’t back down with everyone watching, I felt James’ thoughts too; he was thoroughly enjoying himself.

“Hello, friend. Would you like to discuss your worries outside? This is such a lovely house, I’d hate to break something of sentimental value.” James smiled as he spoke, carefully, as to not show much of his teeth. Two of the man’s friends stepped forward to back their companion, but he waved them off.

Ace stood then and raised his hands as if conceding.

“Gallipolis, I understand you are upset with me. And I know your eyes are on Alpha.” He gave him a poignant look. “But these are not our enemies, and they are not truly so far from us. We’re all monsters here, so don’t play god. This _boy_ , as you say, has helped us before, or have you so quickly forgotten his actions? This is a partnership, not an ownership.”

Ace stepped nearer to James but made a point not to touch him.

“Please don’t Shift in the house.” He said in a quiet, polite voice before turning to the rest of the room, which was riveted on the discourse in the corner.

“We have our real enemy in our sights, it would be foolish to not use all the forces in our arsenal…including this Darkling clan. And I will not act foolishly just to cater to my pride. This is the situation I had in mind when I agreed to work with them, I knew we would benefit from this friendship, and if anyone would like to speak with me about my decisions as leader, please do…outside.”

Ace gave another dog-like grin before he took his seat and continued talking to a woman near him in a voice too quiet for me to hear. James’ eyes were back to their natural navy, but he hadn’t moved from his spot in front of Gallipolis. He looked over to me and his meaning was clear. I shifted my eyes to Gallipolis, who was still glaring at Ace.

_You think you will always be at the top…but you’ll fall sooner than you think. I’ll fight tonight, but your end is coming as sure as the cycle's, and then our partnership with Heaven’s garbage will be over._

I matched Gasllipolis’ glare at Ace with my own at him before I relayed the information to James. James’ eyes snapped back to the man in front of him, a sneer on his lips.

“My clan houses some unique Gifts, you would know that special attributes are common in my kind if you had done your research. Regardless, I’d advise you to keep your mind on track this evening. ‘Heaven’s garbage’ is a little insulting, don’t you think?”

Another hard smile touched James’ lips as he turned to Kael, Nevaeh and I. He turned back after a few steps and spoke to Ace again.

“Oh, and since we are all friends here. Gally is planning on making a stand for Alpha sometime during this moon…thought you’d like to know.”

He winked at Gallipolis as he turned, leaving the traitor’s face turning red with anger as he stared at James’ back.

“Let’s go outside and scout a bit.” James said amiably to us as he walked past.

I looked back to Gallipolis when we were to the door, he had a look like murder in his eyes…and then understanding broke on his face. He began to stalk over and my Shift rolled under my skin. I took a step towards him but then Theo was standing in front of him, holding him back and saying something to him quietly, trying to calm him. His eyes still had fire in them as I walked out into the brisk evening air.

“Well, that went dandy.” Kael said once we were away from the house and making a slow loop of the grounds, looking for signs of previous spies.

“So do I have to worry about some disgruntled wolf trying to bite me as I save his hairy ass and fight his enemies for him? Cause if I have to watch out for hunters _and_ the mutts they’re hunting all at once, I may just take myself out of the middle and let them have at each other.”

Nevaeh had hardly spoken since our arrival and she seemed in a bad mood, I wondered if it was from the car ride still.

“We’ve promised to help, and we will. I doubt he would actively try to attack us…but it wouldn’t hurt to keep an extra wary eye on your surroundings tonight. Think of it as additional training for your focus.”

James said the words sweetly, but Nevaeh scowled and strutted off ahead. Kael shook his head and sighed before following his partner, leaving James and I alone.

“You know he wants to kill you…right? Me too. We basically called him a traitor in front of his entire family. Not the best way to make allies.” I said calmly as I walked next to James.

“You scared, Angel?” His voice was teasing but his eyes were serious as he looked at me.

“I wasn’t just being overly-independent when I came alone to help this pack last time like Kael thinks. I knew the more of us present, the more on-edge certain individuals would become and I wanted to cause as little strife within the pack as I could, but I’d rather have Gallipolis angry with me than Kael, hence, the entire clan’s presence. Plus you need the practice.”

He sounded teasing again, but I stopped walking and turned to him regardless of his playfulness.

“What am I supposed to expect. Are we just going to be sitting here waiting and then these hunters will come running out of the woods like target practice? This just seems…disorganized. Especially for you.”

In all honesty the entire vague plan for the night seemed very informal, very unlike every story Kael had ever told me about battles.

“Well, you’re right in some ways; this _is_ strange. And we don’t have a solid plan like we usually would because we don’t _want_ to give you a solid plan. This is your first, and you need to be able to use your instincts. This isn’t a Demon or a Fallen, these people are trained, but they are only Human. We don’t need any tricks.”

I gave a skeptical look and James laughed.

“This won’t be like last time. I was outnumbered and caught off guard, and I was baiting them, trying to distract them to give Ace and his group time to get away. I couldn’t exactly bait them without letting them think they had caught one of his pack though. So I let them get a couple shots in. A few shots in. I had heard from Ace that they weren’t the type to listen to reason, but I wanted to make sure before I killed them. So between trying to let them think they had me, and being hesitant on killing them until I knew for a fact I should…they beat into me decently. Plus, I didn’t Shift because I didn’t want them to see I wasn’t a wolf. So I had it pretty rough last time. This time will be different. I’m here as a Darkling this time, not bait. I’m here for blood.”

We began to make our way back to the house. When we were still far off I saw a group on the porch, and by the tall frame of the man closest to us, I was sure it was Gallipolis. James raised his voice as we approached.

“Oh, don’t worry, there’s no need to apologize. We won’t forgive you anyways.”

He spoke as if joking with an old friend, but Gallipolis didn’t crack a smile.

“I don’t want her in the house, prying into everyone’s mind and stealing our thoughts. It isn’t natural and I don’t want such a siren anywhere near me or mine.”

He had a look on his face like I was a rotting carcass as he spoke, and his height literally made him look down his nose at me, only intensifying his glare’s effect. I took a page from James’ book and replied sweetly, but I kept my eyes locked with his, daring him to come closer.

“I’m sorry, did I upset you by showing Ace your disloyalty? I didn’t mean to out your little uprising, though I’m sure Ace was already aware of it…you don’t seem near clever enough to keep something like that very well hidden.”

 “Muzzle your bitch, _King_.” Gallipolis spoke to James with a snarl on his lips, ignoring me completely.

I felt something like an electric volt run through my mind, like a flash of something, but then it was gone, I was sure it didn’t originate in my own mind though. When I looked to James his jaw was clenched and I saw the muscles slowly working as he chewed on his teeth.

“I pity the man who tries to collar her actually. Seems a lost cause.” His voice sounded light, but something sent a warning through me, and I was unbelievably glad that whatever he was feeling wasn’t directed at me.

“But if you would like to try, to prove what Alpha material you truly are, well, she’s right here. A new little baby Darkling who can’t even use her Sign, has no Gifts for pain or any such tricks, nothing besides knowing people’s minds, and was never even trained before my clan. If you want her muzzled, then be my guest…unless _my bitch_ scares you.”

James had his hands behind his back now, and I saw his fingers flex against his wrist before relaxing and flexing again. His mind filled mine a moment later, anger boiling through, almost making me flinch.

_He needs to learn some respect, not just for me, but for my Pair and my clan…teach him._

I felt his electricity intensify as he spoke, and the violence in his mind made my Shift jump. I let it free and soaked up the feelings of power. The world went black and white in luster, except for Gallipolis, he was tinged a slight red, and then he was shaking, almost vibrating.

I suppose I always imagined if Werewolves were real, they would change gradually, sprouting hair and morphing into something more canine but still Human, like in campy, old horror flicks. I was wrong. Gallipolis was standing before me with vileness and pride pouring from his mind one moment, and then the next he was a wolf, without a single Human attribute, without a single second of transformation…at least that I could see, even with the heightened senses of my Shift. He bounded from the deck faster than any animal, his eyes set on his prey, his mind completely closed to me. I breathed an Angel name a second before impact.

The wolf was much larger than a regular one, at least that’s what I assumed. I had never actually seen a wolf in person, but this animal seemed impossibly large to be natural. He was hard too, not like I had thought he would feel, it was almost like a brick wall covered in course fur was attacking me. There was no give, no compromise, nothing soft. I focused on Gallipolis’ teeth mainly, keeping myself at a safe distance from their snapping points. I found it surprisingly easy, not easy as in taking no effort, but easy compared to the concentration and exertion it took when I sparred with Kael…or argued with James. My Shift helped, everything seemed slower, each movement predictable. After a moment of wrestling I threw the dog away, he rolled once before regaining his footing and shaking his head.

“Come here, boy.” I said with a grin.

He snorted once before charging again. I pulled one of the knives I had equipped for the evening and held it backwards in my hand, so I could deal a shallow blow without worrying about possibly severing anything vital. Before I even had a chance to really begin the fight, a white blur knocked Gallipolis back, sending him sprawling and yelping from the force.

A snowy dog stood in front of me and it was shocking how close to Ace he still looked, even in his non-Human form. His eyes were the same light color and his unique silvery fur made him actually seem more like his true self as a wolf than he had as a man. He seemed more at ease in this form too and I found it strangely beautiful. He positioned himself in front of me and took a defensive stance as Gallipolis regained his footing beneath him. A snarl came from Ace, low and dangerous. I saw Gallipolis pause for a moment, like he was listening to something, then he leapt.

The noise of the collision truly sounded like just that, a collision. Like a car hitting a rock wall, or a landslide beating down around you. My Shift sank under my skin again and color leaked back into the world around me as Ace and Gallipolis rolled over each other, their huge jaws snapping as they tried to sink into the other. Finally it looked like Gallipolis clamped down onto Ace’s leg but he was shoved over a second later, and then Ace was on him, digging into the other creature’s chest and stomach. The smell of blood hit me a moment later. Gallipolis’ snarls soon turned to yelps and then whimpers as Ace ended his assault.

A moment later he stalked away, leaving Gallipolis clearly alive, but undeniably defeated. Ace’s paws and jaw and the longer fur near his chest were stained a bright red, like fake blood from a costume shop. He shook out his fur like a dog shaking water from his coat as he approached us. He stopped in front of me and sat, his head bent. It almost seemed like he was inviting me to touch him, but I wasn’t sure and the last thing I wanted to do was insult him by treating him like a common lapdog. After a moment he looked up and took a few steps closer. He nuzzled my side, close to my shoulder because of how tall he now was as a wolf and I smiled, finally taking the hint and putting my arm around his blood-stained neck. He was even warmer as a wolf than he had been as a man.

The same woman I had seen Ace speaking with inside earlier now walked up to us with shorts in her hands. The Alpha shivered next to me and then the wolf was gone and his slim Human frame was standing at my side, my arm awkwardly around his naked, blood-splattered shoulders. The woman handed him the pants and he pulled them up before speaking to the crowd that had gathered outside.

“I know some of you do not appreciate my decision to have an alliance with parts of Overworld, but it is my decision and it will serve us well. Gallipolis is entitled to his opinion of my leadership, but we are a pack and I will not allow fighting with our partners. He will not fight with us tonight. Bring him to the safe house with our children, he can be their watch tonight.”

Some murmurs ran through the group as Ace spoke. Apparently getting sent to the kids’ table was a harsh punishment, which I found strange since none of the crowd seemed to be upset by the actual fight, or the fact that their leader was standing before them bare-chested with a fellow pack member’s blood running down his throat and chest. He turned to face me then and nodded, a thank-you for not hurting Gallipolis during my short spat with him. I nodded back and he turned, wiping some of the thick blood that was still dripping from his chin and flicking his wrist towards the ground, shaking the blood from it. He began to walk back to the house before he stopped and lifted his head, as if smelling the air. His shoulders set into a tense line a moment later.

“They’re close, I can already smell them…take your posts!”

Ace’s voice boomed through the cold, quiet grounds, and even the air seemed to quiver at his order. Without a second’s pause, the group on the porch scattered, and then others came pouring out of the house; men and women and they were all running to different points around the perimeter of the clearing. I looked to James just in time to see him adjust something on his wrists, a shining knife jutted from just above his hands. Our eyes met and he smirked before disappearing into a group as they rushed past.

_You’re on your own, Angel. Have fun._


	31. Chapter 31

**It's blood for blood and**

**I've come to eat you alive.**

_Like Moths to Flames - Bloodsport_

 

There was maybe thirty seconds of complete silence before a yell-turned-howl came from Ace. His body vibrated once, like a full-body shiver, just like I had seen Gallipolis do. Halfway through his yell, he fell to all fours howling, one moment a man, the next a wolf. He threw his massive head back once more and let out a howl, and then it was joined by others, dozens joined as more of the group in the field changed from Human to animal. The woods seemed to shake with the sound. The howls were so loud, I wouldn’t have been surprised if the hunters thought better of their attack and turned tail. Unfortunately, they weren’t so easily shaken.

The wolves’ calls ended just as Ace pounced into the forest’s shadow, a moment later a Human scream echoed back to the waiting group, abruptly cut off in death…and then chaos broke. Wolves and men and women were everywhere, running at each other, from each other, fighting or avoiding particular fights, close range, long range. Arrows flew, bodies collided, bones snapped, and something like smoke bombs exploded in small puffs around me…and then I heard the first shot, and then more, and more.

My eyes snapped to the source, a tall man and woman just emerging from the tree line. They shouted orders occasionally, firing at targets and pointing out others. A closer gunshot broke my concentration on the leaders. I had never been in a situation where guns were used, and consequently it seemed strange to hear them now, barbaric, like the noise was an offense to the fight around it, a cheap weapon that stole the skill, the beauty, the art from the kill. There was no grace, no dance with death when guns were involved. It was insulting.

Each gunshot seemed to send a small shock through me, like a tremor, something I couldn’t control. I felt James’ fire intensify a moment later in me, burning through my veins and prickling my skin. That’s when I realized what the tremors were, that’s when I realized I was feeling what he was, or at least something similar. If flinches could be shared, not in the body but in the mind, then I was sure I felt him flinch with each shot, like his mind tightened or braced itself each time the sharp noise reverberated through the clearing. I felt my Shift shudder after the sixth gunshot. It ripped out of wherever it was kept and then I was running, running to anywhere I saw a hunter, to anywhere it looked like help was needed.

The hunter's numbers were clearly more than the pack had expected, making me glad they had us. There were close to three times as many hunters as wolves, and the weapons they had gave them the upper hand in many ways. Where the pack had claws and teeth, the hunters had bullets and arrows; range was on their side. Luckily Kael and Nevaeh seemed to be evening the field all on their own. I saw them from the corner of my eye as I drove my elbow down into a man’s back, he crumpled at the blow. Kael glanced over, his eyes black pools, and smiled before spinning into the path of a woman with throwing daggers. He had his staff with him, as usual, and made short work of the woman. She fell to the ground after just four blows, her body lying in an unnatural way, her bones no longer holding their proper shape. Kael grinned down at her before moving to his next target.

Just as in training, Kael was all brute force, the complete opposite of Nevaeh. She spun and twisted, flipping over opponents with a grace that made her look more like an entertainer, a dancer in a circus, than a killer, though the trail of broken bodies behind her begged to differ.

I felt oddly proud of my clan members, and envious. I wanted what they had. I wanted to see what I could do, really do. Part of me knew exactly what to do, but then there was another part that doubted my every move. My mind couldn’t keep up with my body and it was throwing off the movements I knew I could execute, the plans I knew I could carry out. It was frustrating, but I couldn’t get my mind in sync with the rest of me no matter how I tried. In training it was all so natural, every movement seemed to connect with the next, it was innate. But out here everything was chaos and something in me, even with my Shift’s aid, just couldn’t quite finish, couldn’t quite follow through. I was pulling my punches, and I knew it.

Suddenly a pulse slid through my mind. Something was disturbing the string connecting James and myself, something was warning me. I looked around, trying to find him, but it was a lost cause in the confusion around me. The woman from earlier caught my attention then, the one who had been shouting orders. Her arm rose from her hip slowly, holding something dark…a gun. I followed her eyes but I already knew, her mind screamed it.

_Take out the biggest threat._

The world seemed to slow as she aimed, as James’ eyes met hers just as my own eyes found him, and then the unbelievable happened, he froze. It was only a second, but it was long enough. I saw the bullet fly, I saw it cut into him, I heard his sharp intake of breath, I saw the blood fall. He dropped to a knee, one arm clutching the left side of his chest, vainly trying to keep the blood from pouring out, to stop his veins from emptying. And then there were so many hunters converging, I lost sight of him.

With a gasp that tore at my throat I was back, standing in the field, looking at James as he stood frozen before the woman with the gun. It hadn’t happened yet, it hadn’t been real. Everything seemed to slow again, and just like in my vision I saw the bullet begin to fly as I heard the harsh noise of the gun. James flinched and I felt my heart drop…and then I threw out my hands, by instinct or fear, I wasn’t sure. I felt my hair lift from my shoulders and then the entire field was plunged into a windstorm. I felt a rush of power, and I put all of it, all of me, into making a wall between the danger and James. I pulled the air and packed it together like making a sand castle or crushing brown sugar. I threw the shield up before him, just in front of his chest where the bullet would hit.

My breath felt frozen in me as the shot hit my shield. James flinched just like in my vision, but he didn’t drop, he simply stood there, just for a moment, and then he was back, fighting those around him in his fluid, deadly style, each movement melding into the next. My shield had worked, the bullet hadn’t even touched him. I felt myself take in a deep breath of relief as I silently thanked the heavens. The woman took aim again, or tried, but James made sure to keep his opponents, her allies, between them at all times, denying her a second clear shot.

The surprise of what I had done along with the new feeling of power I had were quickly eclipsed by a bloody rage. Similar to how I had felt after the Serpentine injured James, but this was more immediate, more raw. I had actually seen someone try to kill my Pair, to hurt him right in front of me, and in a way he feared. The hate I felt for the woman in that moment overwhelmed me, filling every inch of me. The rage made me see red. I sent it out, all my anger, all my hate. I threw it out, travelling on the winds still whipping around me. I sent it straight to the woman who wanted my Twin dead.

There was a lull, or maybe it was just in my mind, but then it hit her, a shot of air so hard, so dense, it was as if she had been thrown against a concrete wall going a hundred miles per hour. Her body expanded in a grotesque way, like when a droplet of water hits a hard surface, and the noise was both sickening and beautiful to me. Her skin burst, her bones shattered, and then there was the blood, spraying back on the hunters near her, wet flecks of meat clumping in the fur of the wolves as they fought, her spray misting into the air before sinking and settling to the grass, a pink fog. Her remains fell to the ground so distorted, they didn’t even look human, just a sodden pile of red-stringed gore.

The sound rippled through the field and many of the fights halted momentarily, shock on the hunters’ faces, confusion of what unseen force had taken down a fellow fighter, fear that they could be next. The smell of her blood hit me then, carried back on my wind. The bloodlust it gave me, along with my Shift and the new power coursing through me from my Sign, left an ache in my mind. It quickly grew from an ache to a burn and then a sharp pain, all in the matter of a few seconds. I felt something rise in me and start to overtake me, I felt panic welling…then everything truly did turn red and I was gone.

It was like watching a mirror, but it didn't show a perfect reflection, instead something so similar, yet so opposite, a distorted version, but yet still holding the essence of who you are, or who you could be. Everything I had ever held in poured out, every tendril of self-control snapped and the red world my new vision showed me was soon matched by the hunters’ blood as one after another fell before me. Finally I understood how James could flow so beautifully, how his movements could be so deadly but still look like a dance, effortless and graceful yet filled with power. A mix of Kael and Nevaeh, a mix of strength and speed. I saw every movement of my enemies before they were even close. I saw each look, each thought, each muscle jump as they came, and then I saw each pained face, each drop of ruby, each light leave their eyes as they fell. I tore into them with a ferocity I didn’t know any being could possess. All I wanted was their blood, their pain, their sacrifice.

Soon I found myself in the same vicinity as James, fighting and turning as if choreographed. We fought as one. His knives slicing and mine stabbing, or mine distracting as he dealt the final blow. Blood covered my hands and arms, sprays of it on my gear, streaks on my face and in my hair. I caught a glimpse of a smile on James’ face as he spun away from a hunter, distracting him so I had an easy shot to his back, my knife almost coming through to his chest, pushing the skin from the inside.

James was even more beautiful in red, with his dark, hellish eyes, and the Devil’s grin. I felt my heart jump at just the sight of him. He was covered in blood just like I was, and its red gleam added to his beauty.

The inflated numbers of hunters made the fight more of an endurance game than skill. For each man we cut down, there were two more, for each mutilated body that fell, there was a new wave eager to join the pile. Ace’s light coat, now a shallow red color from my vision with splotches of darker crimson where blood stained him, caught my eye. He was across the yard, expertly diving and leaping at the male leader I had seen earlier. I wondered if he knew their other leader was dead, that I had killed her. I wondered if she had been something to him, besides just the co-leader of these fanatics.

A moment later the fight around us slowed and the more I looked the fewer hunters I saw. There were some still tangled with enemies, but the number of mangled bodies that littered the grounds showed who the victor would inevitably be. James slowly spun in a full circle, taking a 360 view of the tail-end of the battle. His eyes were still dark orbs, his Shift not yet yielding to his humanity. I was frozen watching him for a moment, in awe of him. He ended his sweep and his attention came to me for the first time. He raised one eyebrow before he snapped his head to the right as if he had heard something.

Theo was across the yard, standing between two hunters splitting his attention. He chose his target and charged just as the other pulled a wicked-looking black gun from a holster at his hip. James’ mouth tightened, a cold smile at its edge, then the man burst into flames, completely engulfed in the sudden fire. A terrible scream filled the field as he dropped the gun. The thick smell of burning flesh soon followed. James’ voice filled my mind, almost audible from the sheer strength of our connection.

_Don’t steal a kill…but let’s end this._

A second later he flicked his wrist towards a group on our left, and flames leapt up at his silent command, covering one of the hunters. Then just a finger rose towards another group and in turn one of the fighters began to yell as fire sprung up from the ground, engulfing him in mere moments. James’ smile grew as he chose targets, each with some minute movement, each who subsequently caught fire. Soon I joined him, using my new found Sign to send sharpened blades of air, decapitating and halving hunters at times, or merely removing a hand to help the wolf locked in battle. Sometimes I sent walls of wind smashing and crushing, or slowing a hunter's advance. I loved the panic and shock my Sign lent to the conflict, an invisible enemy is so much worse. Within a matter of minutes the fight was over, with all the hunters dead, dying or captive, staring down the snouts of their enemies, helplessly pinned to the ground or vainly trying to cower away.

Ace slowly stalked over to James and myself, dragging a barely conscious body in his teeth; the man I saw earlier coming from the woods, the leader. He dropped the man next to the remains of the woman I had obliterated, but she had no effect on him. He had a large portion of his shoulder missing, along with deep rakes across his chest and back. He was losing blood quickly and I could tell he would be dead soon. He raised his eyes though, with a look of fear mixed with awe on his face.

“Who are you?” He asked weakly.

James smirked his signature smile, which looked even more lethal as he buried his Shift. His eyes returned to their naturally unnatural color and his teeth lost their demonic points, then recognition dawned across the man’s face.

“You’re the kid from the streets. That’s not possible, you were one of them, but you…who… _what are you_?”

At this James crouched down, his head cocked to the side, and my dream of his childhood flooded my mind. I knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth.

“I’m an Angel, can’t you tell?”

His eyes flashed black for a split second, and then they were back to their deep, dark navy so quickly I wondered if I had only imagined it.

“Now it’s my turn to ask a question. Why did you come for this pack? They’ve done nothing wrong, they’re under my protection and my contract. Why them? Who set you on their trail? Who could have possibly told you their location?”

The man’s eyes shifted between the wolf by his side and James, but I could tell he wasn’t going to answer. I dove into his mind instead of waiting for a reply, ripping into his memories. It was like nothing I had ever felt before, I didn’t just hear or feel his thoughts, this time I _saw_ them, snippets and snapshots, emotions and beliefs all rolled into one moment, all sent to me. It was amazing and terrifying. I took a deep breath and focused.

“A man came to him, a man who works for…the Collector?"

My heart pounded at the mention of the Fallen, at hearing his title from my own lips for the first time. I couldn't tell if this was from some innate excitement, a draw to Heaven, or the exact opposite, or maybe a muddled fusion of the two, but whatever the feeling was, it was as potent as a drug.

I continued as the man's thoughts flowed through mine.

"He could do things and promised to give them power if they went after Ace. The man blamed Ace for the murders in the city and he-” I motioned to the mangled man before us- “believed it. He still does, even now…and he wants the prize the Collector offered. He’ll never stop, he’s obsessed. None of them will ever stop, not when the man dangled immortality in front of them. He promised to make them gods.”

The man on the ground looked at me as I finished, a new terror on his face.

“How do you know that? Are you a god? Are you like the Collector?”

I grinned my reply before my Shift receded like the tide going out, leaving my humanity, the me I had grown up with, to emerge. My vision faded to blacks and grays, and then back to the world's true colors, though the amount of blood present almost made my red memories seem accurate. The grass was a muddy rust, green feebly trying to show through. The wolves were splattered with the color, Kael and Nevaeh were coated in it and James and I didn’t look much cleaner. I could feel it drying on me in some places, running like little rivers in others. I could taste it, smell it, breathe it in. The bodies and parts littering the ground were all red too. I looked up, trying to ignore all the blood, trying to act normal, but it was close to impossible with the way my mind was spinning. I could feel panic, fear of the loss of control I knew was barreling towards me, filling my mind.

I felt something like fire creep up my arm then, it reminded me of the men James had burned, but this heat didn’t hurt me. I looked over to see James’ clear eyes searching my face, one finger barely brushing my wrist, as if to get my attention.

_Stay calm, Angel. Just breathe. Pull from your Sign, you've found it now I see. And it's so strong. I couldn't have asked for a better christening skirmish, or a better partner._

His mind overflowed mine, pushing out the panic, and I smiled at him, instantly feeling more in control. I felt my cheeks warm at his complement. One corner of his mouth curved in response before he looked back to the hunter, but he was already unconscious from blood loss.

Ace turned his back to the man and faced his pack instead, after a small shiver he returned to his Human form. Many of the others changed as well, until there was a mix of men and women wearing nothing but their enemies' blood, as well as snarling wolves and cowering hunters before us. Ace raised his arms at his sides as he addressed the crowd.

“Brothers, sisters…and friends.” He turned back to say the last words to James and I. “You’ve fought well, you’ve protected our home, our way of life, our children and our alliances. But we can’t let our justified bloodshed go too far. We’re civilized creatures…we’re all from the same beginning, though some have fallen further from our regal nature than others.”

A murmured laugh rippled through the crowd, as the Human Shifters looked down at the hunters cowering before them.

“We must be fair, an eye for an eye, a life for a life, so I’ll leave this decision in your capable hands. If you believe the man or woman at your feet would have spared you, you are welcome to escort them from our property. However, if you believe the opposite, I trust you to deal justice where justice is due.”

Ace gave a little half-bow before shuddering once more and dropping to the ground on all fours. He circled the hunters’ barely conscious leader once before tearing into him. His pack followed suit. Kael and Nevaeh appeared by James side and we silently turned and walked to the tree line, leaving the screams and howls behind us.


	32. Chapter 32

**This is where it starts.**

**This is where it will end.**

**Here comes the moon again.**

_Marilyn Manson - If I Was Your Vampire_

 

We got back to the manor around midnight. I washed the blood off, and wrung the gore out of my hair probably half a dozen times, but I was still waiting for it to hit me. Now that I was alone, I almost expected some kind of emotion to sink in. I had killed people, real, live, regular people, people I could pass on the sidewalk without a second glance. I was waiting for the guilt, the nausea, the gravity of what I had done to hit me, but I felt nothing. Half of me was expecting it to come on at any moment, delayed because of trauma, or some other stress-induced medical term, but the rest of me knew it wouldn’t. I had enjoyed myself, to the point of ecstasy. I had fought, I had won, I had killed, and I had liked it. I felt a sense of loss as the last of the hunter’s blood ran down the drain of my shower. I was almost sad to see it go. It had been beautiful in a way and I already missed how it felt fresh on my skin, warm and slick.

To say I was conflicted wouldn’t do my feelings justice. I had done what I was supposed to, and I had done it well, but the old part of me, the part that still thought I had to live by the rules the rest of the world held so dear, was terrified of what I had done, what I was truly capable of. I guess it wasn’t so much that I was horrified, it was that I knew I _should be_ , and I wasn’t. I couldn’t wait for the next fight, and the next. I didn’t care if they were Humans, or Demons, or Angels. If I had the opportunity to kill, I would take it. If I had a reason, one good enough to justify my actions, I knew I wouldn’t hesitate. I wanted to kill even without a reason, but I knew the clan wouldn’t allow that, I knew I shouldn't either. One thing I was now sure of, one thing I had concrete proof of, was that I was a monster, I was a killer…and I was happy.

A muffled sound pulled me from my thoughts, a rumbling from my drawer; my phone. I checked the screen and saw the familiar number. I wasn’t sure if I should answer, but a call from Ajax at one in the morning seemed too suspicious to ignore, plus I hadn’t heard from Jevin since our first meeting, and I'd been expecting some kind of contact sooner. I hit the receive button and made a comment about him missing me. He laughed but it didn’t sound believable.

“Jev wants to meet with you, tonight. Can I pick you up?”

His voice sounded strained, like he wasn’t pleased with his errand but I didn’t mention it.

“Of course, I’m ready now, when should I meet you?”

“I’m already here, at the edge of the woods by Hawthorne Drive. I’ll wait for you. Bye, Jordan.”

And then the phone clicked off. I found it a little strange that Jev knew I would say yes, or maybe he was always so confident. Regardless I grabbed a heavy sweatshirt on the way out of my room and jogged lightly down the stairs. I opened the front door quietly, though I doubted anyone in the house was asleep yet. I knew Kael would be mad at me for not telling him where I was going, but it couldn’t be dangerous to go to an old friend of James’, even if their friendship seemed mildly like a rivalry. I would be safe there. Maybe I'd send a text on the way.

Even though I opened the door silently, I still glanced behind me up at the stairs as I swung it open, because of this I almost screamed when I turned back to the open doorway to see James standing directly in front of me, like he had been about to enter the house just as I was about to leave. He stood in all black, returning from one of his mysterious night errands I guessed, except he couldn’t have, since we just arrived home an hour earlier.

“Good morning.” I said as evenly as I could, though my heart was pounding beneath my chest. I hated to think that it was still so easy for him to sneak up on me.

He stood in the creepy, perfectly still way of his, the way that made him look dead, or otherworldly, or unreal. He didn’t move out of my way or answer for a moment, just stared at me, searching for something in my eyes. Then a tight smile came onto his face, one he was clearly forcing.

“Morning? You must not be sleeping very well. Is that why you're up? Going...out?”

He raised an eyebrow in question, suspicion undercutting his tone.

 “Yes, to see Jev. He called, well Ajax did. He's picking me up now.”

James' jaw tensed at this, though his stance stayed just the same, blocking my way. He closed his eyes for two or three beats and I almost wondered if he was praying, maybe for the patience to deal with his pair's plan to sneak out in the middle of the night to meet a Fallen-Angel-turned-Vampyre ex-clan member, which was seeming more and more foolish every second. When he opened his eyes, instead of scolding me, he simply tilted his head in a slight sign of agreement.

"So he is. Hawthorne Drive."

"You can...you can see him, from here?"

He nodded again, looking even less thrilled than he had at first mention of my bartending friend.

I offered a small smile as I squeezed past, between his shoulder and the side of the door. A wave of fire hit me as I reached the edge of the porch and two quietly thought words slipped into my mind. I paused when the feeling hit, holding my breath to stop from making an awkward noise, though I knew he knew exactly how our connection felt to me. I heard the door close behind me as he entered the house.

His words seemed strange. Why did I need to be careful? This was his old friend, his brother. Surely there wasn’t anything to be concerned about. At least that’s what I told myself.

“I will be, I promise.” I whispered to no one before I headed across the lawn and into the woods.

Twenty-five minutes later I was sitting in a car with Ajax in front of an old beautiful house that looked the perfect picture of a Vampyre’s lair, a Vampyre with good taste at least. The drive had been fairly quiet, but Ajax’s mind said enough. This was his last errand, if he got me to agree to the meeting and delivered me here, then he would be rewarded by becoming one of them instead of a pet. He was worried that Jev had something unpleasant planned for me, but Ajax’s views of his master were much different from mine. He viewed him as a near god, an awe-inspiring entity, whereas I viewed him as a friend of James, another Darkling, and not a Half or Fourth or even Eighth, nothing to be afraid of. He didn’t scare me, or even make me nervous, at least the thought of him didn’t. Maybe once I was alone with him in the giant house, maybe then I’d feel a little more anxious.

I didn’t tell Ajax I had been poking around his thoughts during the drive, I thought it best to leave some things in my back pocket still, but I couldn’t help myself from trying to ease his mind at least a little. As I reached for the handle to leave I turned back to him.

“You know I’ll be fine, you don’t have to worry. I’m not an enemy to Jev. I’d say he quite likes me, so you can relax.”

He gave me a small smile but didn’t seem convinced.

I was halfway out of the car before he spoke and his words weren't what I had expected.

“You know I loved you, right? And once I Change, I’ll still love you. I think I always will, I know you don’t want my love, you've always made that abundantly clear, but I can’t help it. I tried, but I can’t help it.”

His eyes looked honest but sad as he spoke and I found that I didn’t know what to say. All I could think was that I was sorry, but I didn't even know what for. I turned back to the house, wanting nothing more than to retreat into its cover.

\---

I saw her walk up to the house, I saw Jev open the door, a smile on his face and I saw her enter. She went up the stairs, he next to her. She followed him into a chamber like a study and I cursed him for choosing a room like that. He was doing what I had done when she was first brought to the manor, trying to make her feel at ease by bringing her somewhere he thought would soothe her. When I had done it, it seemed like the kind thing to do, but now that he did, it just seemed manipulative. She gave him a little smile and I felt my jealousy swell but I kept it down. I should be glad if she was with someone, if she was happy with someone. I should have known he would like her; he and I were so similar in ways like that. But I still felt heat move up my neck at the thought of her with him, alone in that house, with the intentions I’m sure he had lurking in that dark mind of his.

I couldn’t hear what they said, but I somehow knew the course it was taking. She was trying to get information, smiling and batting her eyes, working every angle to try and get what she wanted. I hoped this was purely professional for her, but if it was she certainly was a good actress. The only dead give-away I saw was when she played shy…Jordan wasn’t shy. Regardless, my teeth were clenched and my jaw began to ache from the pressure. I hated what I was watching. I tried to relax and move closer, trying to hear.

Jev was standing behind her now as she sat in a large chair in front of a fireplace. The fire called out to me but I ignored it. It seemed odd to me that Jev would be behind her, it seemed even stranger that Jordan didn’t seem to mind, she was always very attentive in training to keep her back covered. I remembered I had taken note of the fact, it showed good instincts and I was glad she had that. But now she was leaving herself open, staring into the fire like she had forgotten Jevin was even there. He walked around to face her, and then he bent down and kissed her. The shock hit me like a wall of ice, and then fire filled me. I hated him. Jordan looked shocked for a moment, but not upset. I wished she would look upset. Jev circled behind her once more.

Suddenly everything seemed in slow-motion, unfurling before me, terrible but inescapable. Jev opened his mouth and I saw his teeth, gleaming and dripping with his venom, the blood that rimmed his eyes, the thin black lines that ran from his jaw under his skin, running down his neck to where his unbeating heart rested, the thin black lines that used to be his veins, but now were nothing but a sign of his hunger. I had seen Vampyres during a feed before, but this looked different, this looked even more wrong and unnatural to me. And it was because of Jordan. She seemed to sense something and turned to him, seeing what he was about to do, but she didn’t have time, I knew it and she knew it. He was going to Change her and then she would be forever different, forever dead but still alive. I realized I had no idea if she would want this or not, maybe the power of true immortality would draw her, but the look on her face as she saw Jev plunging on her…it didn’t look like what she wanted.

She looked angry, not just angry, she looked furious. There was shock on her face at first, but then I saw her defiance and then her anger take hold and I knew that he was doing this without her permission. Why else would she be angry? I knew enough about her to know that forcing her to do anything, taking choice away from her, making her a victim…that was how to truly anger her. I didn’t know how I knew, but I knew he was doing that right then, taking away her choice.

I saw him rip into her neck, she tried to push him off but even with her fury she couldn’t. He already had a hold, and with the strength of both our breeds, with his speed and the added advantage of surprise she didn’t have a real chance. I saw her blood pour down her shirt, dark red pooling in her lap and seeping into the white chair. I saw her eyes fill with it and turn an ugly red, like all new Vampyres, like a Shift, but disgusting, wrong, an abomination. I saw the pain on her face as his venom took hold. I saw her hand shake and then still as the paralysis sunk in. And then she was still, cold, flat, blood-red eyes staring at the ceiling unseeing. Jev got off her, rust staining his chin and dripping down onto his pristine shirt. He smiled, showing ruby teeth and I felt my stomach constrict. Jordan would wake up in the night a new creature. She would hate him for taking the choice away from her…and I did too.

\---

I walked up to the front door slowly, looking around the dark yard. There was a fog covering everything that gave the house a sinister look but almost every evening in the city brought fog this time of year. I reached the door just as it opened. Jev stood before me with a sincere smile on his face. He looked welcoming and it almost made me laugh; a damned Angel turned Vampyre welcoming me into his home and I was actually going to do it. Just a couple months ago this would have seemed ludicrous, it still did sometimes, but then I thought of Nevaeh mocking me if I came back without any information, her sneer if she knew I had left because I was afraid. I had nothing to fear. I was the most dangerous thing in the city, at least that’s what I told myself as I walked in.

The house was beautiful, but not in the way I had expected, not like the clan’s house. Nevaeh’s parent’s home looked like old money, with plush cushions and rugs in deep colors and rich hues. Besides the few high-tech luxuries in the kitchen and media room, the décor almost seemed like it had been unchanged for a hundred years. Jev’s home was quite the opposite, everything was modern, even the minimalistic style of James’ bedroom looked excessive compared to Jevin’s style. Everything was white too, not the walls necessarily, but the few pieces of furniture and the carpet, the few rugs, the artwork…it was all a gleaming, perfect white. I wondered how he kept it clean as he led me up a wide staircase. He brought me into a beautiful library which looked slightly less modern, a little more traditional, but not by much. He motioned me into a seat by a roaring fireplace. I absently wondered if he could feel the heat, or if his cold swallowed it.

I sat and instantly felt calmer, the fire reminded me of James’ room, and though the white, sleek chair I was sitting in would look silly in James’ dark room, the fire was still enough to lessen my nerves a bit. I shook my mind from James’ and instead focused on my host. I was only here to get information from him and if this was going to work, he would have to feel like he had my full attention.

I reached my Gift out, just a tendril, to see if I could hear him like I had at our first meeting, but he immediately clucked and turned his raptor eyes on me.

"Now, now, that is rude. No tricks tonight, young one."

I tried to look bashful as I replied.

"I'm sorry, I'm just so curious. There's so much I want to know about you."

He smiled widely at this, buying my coy act completely.

"You'll just have to be patient, it's so much more satisfying when you have to wait for your answers. Endurance, little one, will take your far, as will manners."

He winked before turning to face the fire and I felt myself relax as soon as his eyes were off me. I locked my Gift away.

It seemed strange now, being with him and trying to talk with him, to flirt with him. It had seemed so natural when I first met him, when the clan had been backing me, when James had been watching me, but now that I was on my own I felt completely lost. I tried to just agree with whatever he said, giving small smiles at the right times and keeping me eyes on his, this was usually all it took for average men. Maybe he wouldn’t be so different.

After a few minutes of polite chat it seemed that he really was the same as every other man and I relaxed a measure more. I saw several smirks cross his face as I’m sure he was mentally patting himself on the back or thinking of how taken I must be by him. It was almost funny how easily men assumed women wanted them; a smile, a little run of the tongue over the lips, a look or two of admiration. It was too easy sometimes. I played the shy card and let him catch me staring before looking away with feigned embarrassment. If he had any real sense he would know this was an act, I had been anything but shy upon our first meeting, but clearly he wasn’t thinking with his upstairs brain and my behavior discrepancies were lost on him.

Finally it seemed like he was ready to talk about something more than the drive or weather or how I had been sleeping. He was standing behind my chair and I hated it. I hated having someone behind me and out of my view, but I remembered Kael speaking of how important manners and honor were to Reds and I didn’t want to risk offending Jev by showing my tension at him being at my back. Instead I stared into the fire, trying to let it ease my paranoia. Jev was silent for a moment and I had to force myself to not look back at him, to keep my shoulders from tensing. When he spoke, it was on a subject I hadn’t been expecting.

“What if I told you the clan was lying about everything? That you aren't some monster that has to be controlled. What if I told you that your nature isn't something to guard against? That there are no moral battles, no absolutes, no lines you need to stay within, no true light or dark.” He spoke in a smooth tone that reminded me of a hypnotist. “Or what if you woke up tomorrow and this was all a dream?"

“I wouldn't accept that, I couldn't. I’ve always known what I was, in some ways, I just didn’t believe it. I didn’t let myself because I thought it was crazy. And I know I'm not good, but I also know I want to be. I know that there are two sides, I can feel them, I don't need the clan to tell me that. I couldn’t explain it until them, but I always knew I was something else, something different.” I answered honestly. I 'd always known I wasn’t just a person. I knew I was more, or less, depending on how you looked at it.

“And what are you?”

His voice sounded strange now and it made me wonder if he regretted his decision to become a Red.

A flash of the fight that evening came to my mind, of blood and death. A smile came to my lips as I replied.

“A monster.”

I knew I was deep down, even if I fought it, and saying it out loud somehow felt right. I heard a noise come from him behind me, like a small scoff.

“But I have a choice.” I continued after a moment’s silence.

“And what is that?”

He sounded bitter now, almost angry and it made the hairs on my neck stand.

“I can choose to act like the monster I am, or I can fight my nature, rise above it. I choose to fight, just like you do, every day, just like my clan does.”

I could feel his eyes on me now, but I didn’t turn. He walked around to face me and his eyes held something I hadn’t seen there before, he leaned forward and kissed me lightly. It was so soft and quick I might have not even felt it if it hadn’t been for the cold. His lips were like ice on mine, stealing the heat out of me, just like they had the first night we met when he kissed my hand.

I inhaled sharply at the kiss, between the shock of the cold and the quickness with which he had moved, he was like a ghost. He didn’t smell of anything either, completely scentless, which only added to the feeling of him not being real, of him being a ghost.

He straightened and moved back from me, his eyes on my face gauging my reaction, looking for something, then he gave me a courteous smile and stepped back. His movements were so swift and graceful they left me stunned. I had noticed his grace before, but I hadn’t quite paid attention to it truly until now. He turned, pacing the room, but not out of nerves. Each step he took seemed to take him further than was natural, each movement connected to the next in an impossible way. It was pretty and I found myself watching him with a small smile on my own face, the shock of his kiss quickly fading.

“Would you ever want to be like me? Two monsters in one body? You can do so much more in the world and in some ways it’s easier to control your nature too, my kind is very skilled at turning our desires, our emotions, off. Everything except hunger, that stays with us.”

He spoke in as graceful a voice as his body moved. He was captivating.

I realized the question hung unanswered as I watched him. I almost forgot that it had been directed at me. I was so enthralled with him it almost seemed like a movie. I tried to clear my head before I answered, but a fog had come into my mind as I watched him, entranced by him.

“I only just discovered what I am recently. I think I'd want to understand this part of myself more before I would consider taking on another monster.”

I tried to pull a flirtatious tone again, to get the conversation less heavy. I suddenly wanted to get information about the city murders out of him and be on my way. I no longer wanted to be sitting in his library, I wanted to be back in the clan’s house, or in the woods, or the stone garden which I had accepted as my own personal sanctuary. Basically I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. The fog in my mind seemed sinister now and I wanted to be away from it and away from his hypnotizing company.

Jev paced a trail or two more in his gliding way before circling behind my chair once more, his hands on its high back.

“I understand.”

He was silent for a moment and I felt my chest tighten, I didn’t know why but something felt wrong. My skin prickled, it made me think of James but I forced his name from my mind.

“But what you must understand is that what you said earlier isn’t completely true. I _am_ a monster like you, yes quite, but sometimes battling your nature doesn’t work. Sometimes exorcising your demons doesn’t work…it just makes them stronger, angrier.”

As he said his last word my Shift jumped inside me, clawing to be let out. I had never felt it quite like that before, but it felt like a clear warning. I stuffed it down as I turned to look at Jev, but what I saw wasn’t Jev, or it was, but not like he had been moments earlier. What I saw was no longer a man, no longer Human.

He had a muddy red liquid brimming in his eyes, like tears a second before they fall, but the color was wrong. It looked like blood, old blood. His face had changed too, dark lines writhed under his skin from his mouth and jaw down his neck, disappearing past his collar of his crisp, white shirt. They looked like veins, but they were alive, moving and rippling under the pale skin of his throat, like in pain. The only thing that looked as I always expected were his teeth, sharp and gleaming in the firelight. I realized what was about to happen a moment too late. He was already lurching towards me and he was so fast. I was just sitting there, unable to move in time, unable to do anything.

And then he was across the room, pushed against the wall by a man dressed in black. My mind immediately flew to the Fallen from my dreams, the one who seemed to be central to all the city's and clan's troubles lately. He had said he was always there, watching me, protecting me, maybe he finally had to step in. My heart leapt to an unnaturally high resting place at the thought of seeing him or speaking with him again, a damned wish, a guilty hope.

I opened my Gift on reflex, and immediately felt it, the fire running over my skin like molten lava, the electricity that galvanized my insides, the vibrations of power that meant it was James in his Shifted form.

It felt as heavenly as it always did and I was frozen in place for a moment from the pure ecstasy of it, and then I did something I didn’t really want, something I had never wanted. I shut away my Gift, cut off my connection to James, cut off myself from him. Just as quickly as I had opened it, I closed it. It almost felt like a thick knife severing a part of me, and I didn't even know why I did it, I just did. Maybe because I was embarrassed he had to save me, embarrassed I had been so spellbound by Jevin, so distracted. Maybe because I was simply shocked, or because I couldn’t stand him knowing how afraid I had been. Or maybe, it was because I was ashamed that I wished he was the Fallen with the beautiful voice instead, that my first thought had been of him, the Collector. That he had been on my mind ever since the battle with the hunters, and no matter what I told myself, I longed to see him again. Regardless of my reasons, I turned off the electricity and I saw one shoulder under the black sweatshirt twitch up and his back stiffen, almost like it hurt him, like I had hurt him.

Jev looked stunned at James for a moment, his friend’s hands grabbing him by the collar, pushing him against the wall, but then he was back in the moment and shoved James across the room with inhuman strength, as if he was a puppet. James staggered but kept his position between Jev and myself.

“Don’t do this, Jevin, you know you can’t take us both.” James said in a warning voice, one arm out slightly, like signing ‘stop’ would have some effect on the monster before us. I saw the point of James’ weapon sticking out from his sleeve, barely visible, just enough showing to let Jev know it was there.

Then Jev did something that surprised me completely; he stopped. He ran his tongue over his fangs and stretched his neck. Somehow the small black snakes on his face sunk into his skin and disappeared, his eyes returned to looking Human, even his fangs became less noticeable, as if shrinking back. He flexed his jaw a few times before letting a deep breath out and walking forward slowly, calmly, clearly trying to look non-confrontational.

“You’re wrong James, I _could_ beat two Darklings, two _normal_ Darklings with weak bloodlines. What I can’t do it beat Blood Twins, that’s just silly. Oh, you look shocked, Jordan. Yes, I know what you two are and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit envious. I had to give up so much for the power I now have. _I had to go through so much_.” He ground the words out between his teeth, as if the mere memory pained him.

“And yet you two simply get it from luck, from finding each other, from somehow being one of the few in history with a True Pair out there just waiting for their other half. Lovely. Not to mention your lineages. You two have practically been handed all the power anyone could wish for, any more and you’d be gods, or true monsters, not enough humanity to hold yourselves back. Wouldn’t you agree, James?”

Though Jev looked less threatening, his tone was dangerous and even without my Gift I knew he was telling James something deeper with his words. He was daring James to attack him, trying to goad him. My eyes flicked to James and I saw his fists tighten at his sides but he didn’t make any move. I stood from the chair I had been frozen in and took the few steps needed to stand next to my Pair.

“If its power you’re looking for by taking Jordan from m-us, you’ve miscalculated.”

I noticed the stutter, it made his words sound unlike him, even though his voice was still cool and composed. He almost seemed anxious, under his calm exterior. I mentally scolded myself for the jumping feeling I felt in my gut as James continued.

“She’s not the type to become loyal to a captor, if you had taken away her choice and forced her to be what you are, you’d be making an enemy, not an ally. And from what I know of my Pair, being her foe is no small worry. Look at this as me saving your life, yet again, _friend_ , not me foiling your plan.”

James’ voice sounded warning now as well, but there was something underneath his tone I still couldn’t place, almost a respect, like he didn’t want to fight his old partner.

“You had a vision then, didn’t you? You saw me turn her? Haven’t you learned anything, you fool? Didn’t you learn your lesson of trying to stop the future? Don’t you remember that the things you see happen for a reason, a reason bigger than you and your petty honor or your narrow view of what’s ‘right’?” Jev was spitting his words now, his face pale and twisted with anger.

“Don’t you remember the mess you made before, trying to stop fate? She should have been mine tonight, I know it, I tasted it on her lips when I kissed her, I tasted _my own_ …did you see that in your vision too? Did you see us kiss, my little batnae? Or am I not supposed to talk about your pathetic draw to her? Is it supposed to be a secret how foolishly you each care for the other? I can smell it on you like a disease. Aren’t you the one who taught me to have no feelings? That they’re only thinly disguised weaknesses?”

At this James’ jaw clenched and his eyes flicked to me, checking to see if I was watching him. I looked ahead quickly, swallowing back the feeling in my throat as Jevin addressed me.

“Did you know that, Jordan? That the heartless Ash seems to have a heart after all, but the woman he’ll offer it to has other plans, no? Oh yes, I know all about you, all about who else wants you. I’m not the only one trying to get your new member’s allegiance. Remember that James, remember I tried to warn you when you find the knife is in _your_ back this time. Funny how that works, the man with no heart will have it ripped from his chest by the very one he gives it to. It seems fitting since you love pain so much. Seems the perfect match for you both. It will be your downfall, just like your last pair will be your brother’s downfall. The trash of Heaven wasn’t meant to _love_ , we were made to kill, to hurt, to burn…isn’t that right?”

Jev had an almost crazed look in his eyes as he spoke now. It brought to mind all the times Kael or Nevaeh had mentioned the likelihood of Darklings losing their minds.

It was almost sad. It reminded me of an animal that needed to be put down. I felt my Shift jump in me once more, tearing at its flesh cage. It flexed again and I winced at the effort of keeping it subdued, Jev caught the expression and swiveled his head towards me again, though he still faced James.

“You want to kill me. I can _smell_ your blood trying to draw power. I can _feel_ your Shift fighting you. Being the hybrid predator I am has a few benefits at least.”

He smiled at me and took a step forward, James mirrored the move, keeping his angle between Jev and myself.

“That isn’t needed, brother. You know I can’t hurt her, not now that she’s aware of my intentions, but you always were a paranoid little Angel, weren’t you? It’ll drive you mad, you know.”

James raised his chin slightly, but stayed still as Jev walked to me, only his dark eyes following his former friend’s movements.

“You want to kill me.” Jev said again, now only two feet in front of me. “Do it then, I would so enjoy seeing your Shift. I bet it’s magnificent.”

He reached forward and gently stroked my cheek, his eyes looked almost eager. I wondered if this was what losing your mind looked like, if this was what madness was. I glanced to James. I did it without thinking, out of reflex, but Jev tracked my reaction and pounced at the opportunity.

“Oh, so she does take orders. Looking to her master to see what she should do like a good little pet. You disappoint me, kitten, I thought you made your own decisions.” He turned back to James now, turning his back on me as if I didn’t exist.

“I suppose you’re still King then, aren’t you. Still giving orders, albeit more discreetly. Trying to change your image, are you? Do you still make your enemies get on their knees before you take their lives? Break their legs out from under them if they refuse to kneel? Does your clan bow to you? I must say, I liked Ash’s aggression quite a lot, however King had such… _style_.”

He turned to me slightly again, looking me up and down in a grotesque way before glancing to James with a smirk.

“Your pets are certainly better looking now. Well, when you tire of her, remember me, for old time’s sake… _friend_.”

Hearing Jev’s words made my blood boil, but I wasn’t stupid enough to not realize that’s what he was trying to do. He wanted me to attack him, just like he had tried to get James to earlier. I didn’t know how this would possibly benefit him, but the last thing I wanted was to play into his hand. I bit my tongue and tried to look calm instead of acting out the violence my mind was begging for.

James looked me in my eyes now, he had his mischievous mask on, but I saw a deep sadness beneath. I wondered again how many times that look had been there and I had missed it. His smile grew into an arrogant front before he spoke.

“She can do what she wants, I don’t own her. Sorry to disappoint, but I’m just James now. No more Ash, no more King…nothing.”

James spoke calmly, which seemed to upset Jev even further. He turned to me in a last ditch attempt to see that he had gotten under someone's skin, but I met his eyes with an even look of my own. He scowled before stalking over to the hearth.

“Leave then, if you won’t play and if you aren’t willing to share, I’d rather we end our rendezvous early. I’m starving.” Jev’s tone was something like a petulant child.

I saw James smirk from the corner of my vision before I turned for the door, leaving Jev to stare into the fire alone.


	33. Chapter 33

**I am unbreakable but it looks like I could sometime soon.**

**And you are unreachable, about as possible as me touching the moon.**

_The Spill Canvas - Saved_

 

James had a vice hold on my arm and was close to dragging me down the grandiose stairway. We were at the door before I finally pulled out of his grasp. He looked at me for a brief moment, his face inscrutable, before opening the door and ushering me out. We quickly walked down the path before turning onto the sidewalk. He sped up like he was on some kind of mission and showed no sign of slowing to let me catch up, so I jogged behind him.

“Hey."

 I was almost right behind him, and I knew he heard, but he ignored me and kept up his speed-walk.

“Hey!” I said again, louder; still no reaction. Finally I grabbed his arm and yanked him around.

“What!” He shouted back at me.

His response startled me and I let go of his arm as I took a step back. We stood watching each other for a moment, the fog a miserable cold drizzle now.

“What do you want? An apology? Let me guess, you had everything under control, you didn’t need my help, and you can handle yourself, right? Then I’m sorry, but from where I was, it looked like you were about to be turned into a…a…”

“Monster?” I finished his sentence quietly. And he gave a short nod, swallowing hard.

“Something like that.”

“Well, I did need your help. So, thank you." I said curtly, the progressive in me still decidedly upset that I had needed him to swoop in and rescue me.

"I'm already a monster though. How can you _not_ think of me as one? You saw me today, you saw what I did. How can you hate yourself so much, but not see Kael, or Nevaeh or especially me as just as bad? How can you blame yourself for all the things you forgive us for?”

I didn't mean to say so much, but the words just kept pouring out, the memory of my dreams in his room, his bed, fueling me. More and more I was seeing how he seemed to fault himself for so much, for things he had no choice in, yet he never placed the same judgment on others.

“This isn’t about me, this is about you and your death wish. _Stop trying to die_.” He said his last words like he was giving instructions to a child; slow and simple. But I wasn’t buying it. I took a deep breath before speaking, trying to calm myself enough to be rational.

“Seems like a funny order for you to give me, don’t you think? I guess we’re more similar than either of us thought.”

At this James let out a bark of laughter at the sky, throwing his head back like I had said something absurd.

“You’re nothing like me.”

“How can you say that? We're Pairs, the same blood, you know that just like I do. So we _are_ the same.”

He took a step closer, looking down at me, his hair hanging in his face, the occasional drop from the sprinkling rain falling from its ends.

“You were raised differently. You didn’t even know what you were…what you are. You fought it your whole life. I embraced it. You hated it where I loved it. We _are_ different.”

His eyes bore down on me, and with the dark sky behind him, he looked every part the Fallen Angel from which he had come. But I had learned that his intensity wasn’t something to shy away from, he used it to make others back down, but that wouldn't work on me, not anymore.

“You mean because I didn’t kill anyone when I was a child? Because my father didn’t force me to kill anyone, to use my Sign on people? Because I was never ordered to torture someone? Because I was never tortured _by_ anyone? Because my mother didn’t stand by and let horrible things happen to me? You’re blaming yourself for all of that and thinking it means you’re somehow a worse person than I am? So the way I was raised makes me innocent, but the way you were forced to be makes you damned, even though we act the same now? Really? You can’t honestly believe that. What about Kael? What about all the people he killed, all the evil he did? I bet you don’t count those against him. You only hate yourself for mistakes-”

James cut me off with new heat in his voice.

“I didn’t make _mistakes_! I killed people, hundreds of people; children, mothers, fathers, entire families, Humans, helpless people! Some I had to, some I was instructed to, but some I did without anyone telling me to, and all of them – all of them – I enjoyed. I’m not like you. I don’t know how we can be so similar yet so different, but you should be glad…you should be glad you’re nothing like me. I would kill you if you were like me.” He ended quietly, all the force gone from his voice, all his anger drained.

“I’m not what you think.” I spoke quietly, almost hoping he wouldn't hear.

I held my breath a second after my confession. I knew what I was about to do was stupid, but I couldn’t stand the look of self-loathing James had on his beautiful face, or the underlying trust he must have in me to think I was so wonderful in comparison. The trust I knew I didn’t deserve.

“I lied to you. I wasn’t just waiting for you when I was pulled into the vision in your room…there was a Fallen, the one that killed Ambriel. He asked me to join him…and I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes, but I didn’t say no. I didn’t give him an answer really, but I thought about it, I almost went with him. I-I felt so drawn to him, like gravity. I almost chose him and I think I would have if you hadn’t pulled me out of there when you did. I almost betrayed all of you. He killed Ambriel, and I almost joined him because he said he could make me more powerful than you. He said I didn’t know you like I thought I did. He said he could teach me more and that I would be better off with him. He said you’re going to lose, that something big is coming and I’m on the wrong side…and I believed him, at least for a little bit. And then I lied to you because I was afraid of what you would do. And I wanted to keep my options open. I still feel the pull, to leave, to him.”

I finished quickly, trying to get the words out before I lost my courage. I looked up from the wet pavement to see James watching me, but he didn’t look angry, just thoughtful.

“You were never going to leave.” He said the words so gently I thought I must have heard him wrong. He couldn't really be saying what he just had, he couldn't really not be furious with me.

“But…but I almost did. I was going to, I could feel the words, the promise, right on my lips. A second longer and I would have gone.”

“No, you weren’t ever close. You’ve been a member of this clan since the day Kael convinced me to bring you back to the house. You have more loyalty to us than you care to admit to me or even yourself. You took my place and were willing to die for me, you love Kael like a brother...and you at least haven’t killed Nevaeh. You’ve shown you care, you’ve shown you’re willing to give up everything, give up who you are and your own comfort for us, your own life. You are a part of this family and you wouldn’t have left. Traitors don’t sacrifice themselves for the ones they’re going to destroy.”

He paused and I found myself trapped by his eyes, just like I so often was, but this time something felt different as I looked up at him. After a second's pause, he reached out and lifted a rain-soaked strand of hair from my face, placing it behind my ear, an oddly tender gesture for him.

“You’re nothing like me.” He said again, a strange look on his face.

He turned back in the direction we had started walking before glancing over his shoulder at me.

“Will you come with me now? Or do I have to carry you?”

We walked in silence for a little while, the drizzle picking up its pace around us as big raindrops began to hit the pavement. Finally I broke the silence.

“Are we going to talk about any of the things Jev said?”

“He’s just trying to get under our skin. I upset him by not letting him have you…which means now he’ll try harder than ever. Anything he said was just meant to rattle us, don’t spare it a second thought.” James sounded casual enough, but something didn’t add up.

“But he was right…about me. About someone else trying to get me on their side, trying to get me to leave.”

“That’s what he does, he says the truth in a way that misleads people. He said someone else wanted you, but then made it sound like you weren’t loyal, like you were going to betray me, knife in the back and all that. But he was wrong. He says just enough of the truth to get people to believe him, then twists the rest to get what he wants. It isn’t even worth talking about.”

James still sounded nonchalant, but I knew he was just trying to get me to drop the subject.

“What about his comment of our bloodline. He made it sound like he knew, like it’s more.”

James merely looked over at me dubiously.

“Well, is it?”

He let out a long breath, looking up at the night sky before answering.

“Jevin has always had suspicions of my bloodline. He’s jealous of my strengths and refuses to accept that I was just trained well, from a very young age. He’s accused me of everything from a Fourth to a full…but what I told you is the truth. He can’t smell our Fallen blood anymore than you or I can. He might be able to sense if there is a Fallen, or a Darkling near him, but we can do the same with some training. He just wants to breed distrust, and the best way to do that in our kind is to question someone’s humanity or their capacity for good, to question if someone can overcome their nature. If I - if we - were Fourths, trust me, there would be no doubt in anyone's mind.” James sounded tired now, but I was too interested to take the hint.

“And your visions? Why does he hate them so much? He seemed to lose it a little once he guessed you came because you had seen…whatever he was about to do to me. And he said he tasted _him_ on me…what did he mean?”

I had to stop myself from flinging all my questions at James at once. I didn’t want to irritate him into silence.

“Like I said, he gets into people’s heads and plants seeds. He couldn’t have possibly smelled his kind on you, tasted _death_ on you. He threw too many possibilities out, too many lies just to see which would stick. Either you were supposed to die tonight and leave the clan to be with other Reds, or you were supposed to stay with the clan and betray me…but he made it sound like both. Like you should have died tonight, but also betray me and tear down the entire clan in the process. Which isn’t possible. You can’t betray me from the grave, and you being 'fated' to him, to be a Red, is just him blathering. He was just covering all his bases, making sure whatever happened would be to his advantage, within his predictions. And he only hates my visions when they spoil his plans, and because he doesn’t have the same Gift. He loved them when he was my leader and they were useful to him. He’s just jealous, of you, of me…of everything he doesn't have anymore.”

Despite James' easy words, my mind still didn’t believe him. I felt like there was more there, but I probably would always feel that way about him. He told half-truths just as much as Jevin did. Except Jev did it to create mistrust, and James did it to do the opposite, to get the idea far from mind by making it all seem unremarkable and unimportant. Jev’s words about our feelings for each other came to mind, but I couldn’t bring myself to mention it. I would be outing myself, and the worst thing I could think of would be to spill my heart to James and have him laugh, or even worse, have that pitying look in his eyes as he explained to me that ‘ _people like me don't love’_. I don’t think I could take a blow to my ego, to my heart, like that, so I kept my mouth shut on that topic at least.

“Tell me about King…and Ash?”

At this James stopped in his tracks, staring straight ahead at the dark side road we were now on. I saw him swallow once, and then his jaw tightened. I wanted to dive into his mind so badly, but I didn’t. I opened my Gift after a couple seconds of silence, but kept it far from him, not poking anywhere near his thoughts. I reveled in the feeling of our connection as I waited for his response instead.

“They’re dead. I killed them a long time ago.”

“Then they aren’t fresh, and you can talk about them.”

I was pushing, but I wanted to know so much about James. His past was a bottomless mystery to me.

He looked over at me now, a line between his eyes. He looked even more stunning with lines of rainwater running down his face, making it shine in the yellow lamplight. The silence dragged on between us, but finally he dropped his eyes, his chin falling close to his chest as he stared at the ground before him.

“Ash was the first name I was known by. Right after I left my father’s house. I was angry and young and stupid, a kid. I didn’t control myself and I…I wasn’t even aware I could be good, that I had the potential to not be what I had always been. I did whatever I wanted, and I was twisted. I probably killed more in that first year on my own than I had my entire upbringing. And it was all me, no one made me do to, it was just because I wanted to, because I enjoyed it. I could promise protection to someone one moment, then if they said one wrong word, or if I was simply in an unpleasant mood, I would rip their heart out, make their skin peel off, or, or so many other things. I betrayed those that trusted me, telling myself that it was better for me to kill them, to turn on them before they could turn on me. Those were the only two options in my mind; kill or be killed, betray or be betrayed.

I justified it all, I said I was nothing like my father, that I was 'cleaning up' the world…but I saw everyone as trash, everyone as guilty. I was infamous. Everyone knew my name, my title; Ash, returning each I met to that from which they'd come, making the whole world burn. I could have an entire clan drop their weapons by just introducing myself. No one wanted to fight Ash. Some said I was invincible, an original, until they met me at least. I was just a child, but with a death toll greater than people three times my age. Some said I was from Hell. I used the stories as excuses, told myself I couldn’t fight who I was and I had to kill…I had to be the monster I was, because I wasn’t Human, I wasn’t like the rest of the world. I told myself I was an animal and I couldn’t control it. That's what my father had always taught me, fed me since I was old enough to remember. Believing it made it easier to sleep at night.”

James looked up from the ground now, but he didn’t seem to really be seeing anything. He stared out ahead of us, his eyes squinted slightly, a sadness in them that looked almost painful. He took a deep breath before continuing.

“Then I disappeared, Ash disappeared. When Jev found me and…helped me. We formed an alliance and he showed me how to control myself, to some extent. He showed me how to direct my power against those who deserved it, really deserved it, not just the victims I pretended were justified. That's when I became King. I made them confess their sins to me, like I was some kind of judgment from Heaven. I made them get on their knees just like my father had made me do when I was being punished. I thought of each one, of each murderer or monster or predator as atonement for what I had done earlier in life…but I still let my nature get the best of me more often than not. I still tortured when it wasn’t necessary, I still took my time and enjoyed their screams, their begging. I wasn’t actually better, just more focused.”

“Often Jev would convince me to let one of those I had deemed ‘guilty’ escape, so they could spread the word, that there was a new form of judgment for the world to fear. Word traveled fast. Some knew I was Ash, just under a new name, others refused to believe it. They didn’t want to believe I was back, they had hoped I was dead. Slowly I began to change though, Jev started it, but I went further, trying to be someone I didn’t despise, trying to be someone my father wouldn’t approve of. I began to learn more about the path some Darklings chose and I started to try and do the same, to have a bigger plan in mind beyond random killing. I began hunting Fallen and the most potent of the Darklings, Vampyres, Werewolves, anyone who didn’t deserve to live. Anyone who preyed on the weaker."

"Jev was something like my keeper, and it worked for a while, but I didn’t like being controlled, and I was changing in ways he didn’t approve of, or maybe he was changing…regardless, I was becoming stricter than he liked and we began to fight. He would tell me to take out other clans, clans he thought could become a threat to us in the future, and I would refuse if they didn't meet my criteria. Soon he just wanted power and I didn’t like being used…finally I left and hunted on my own. That’s how I found Kael, I was hunting him. He was weak blood, but still causing enough ripples within our kind. And then I did for him what Jev had done for me. I taught him a different way to live. Nothing helped change me more than teaching someone else what I barely understood myself...and the rest you can hear from him. He's a better storyteller than me.”

James’ eyes came back to mine now, curiosity in them like he wondered how I would react to everything he had said. His hands were balled into fists at his sides and I knew he was nervous. Who wouldn’t be? But I couldn’t even imagine being angry, or disgusted, or any of the other things I’m sure he was expecting. I was just amazed at what he had been through, how far he had come. How he had pulled himself out of the hell he had been born into, the hell I had seen the night before, the hell I had watched from my dreams. He had gone from the creature his father had raised him into, to the man before me, with nothing more than his will, his desire to be good.

“You’re right, I’m not like you…but I wish I was, I wish I had the strength you do. I wish I had the courage, and determination that you had. I wish I could say I would have tried just as hard as you did to be good, to fight what I had been molded into my whole life. I wish I could say I was like you.”

I paused to glance at him from the corner of my eye. He looked part dumbfounded, part confused, wholly unbelieving, so I continued.

“You think you’re some kind of soulless monster, and you were once, but you aren’t anymore. You might still feel like one, but no one can judge us on what we _want_ to do, only what we actually do. And as far as I can see, you’ve done far more good than bad…at least ever since you overcame what your father tried to make you into, once you really had a choice. Once you were you.”

James looked far past dumbfounded now, as if my words weren't even registering. He stared at me, rain pelting the concrete the only sound, then he leaned forward, his eyes still on mine, and kissed me. An earsplitting crack of thunder rolled through the sky as the cold rain picked up its pace, but I hardly noticed. My lips were on fire, and I felt like the unseen lightning had hit me directly. My entire body hummed under his touch. His kiss was so light, just a brush of his lips against mine, slightly to the side, like he had almost changed his mind at the last second. He pulled back just as swiftly as he had leaned in. Everything about his face a question.

I stood there, stunned, letting the rain hit me, watching him as he watched me, each of us trying to gauge the other’s reaction. Finally the heat from the kiss faded and my wet clothes made a shiver run my spine. James reached out and lightly touched two fingers to my collarbone. Heat instantly spread through my body. I relaxed as I replayed the kiss in my mind for maybe the hundredth time and another shiver ran down me, but not from the cold. James cocked his head to the side slightly, confusion back on his face.

“Still cold?” He asked quietly.

I shook my head, not sure if my voice was working.

“Not that kind of shiver.”


	34. Chapter 34

**I tear myself to shreds to prove that I'm someone that I could never be.**

**Now these unsightly marks define me.**

_Senses Fail - Family Tradition_

 

I sat on my bed, staring out the window, watching the white clouds drift across the sky, blotting out the stars and moon on occasion. I could still feel the rain pelting me as we flew down the streets. Zipping between the few cars on the road, hitting speeds I should have been afraid of, I was simply glad for the excuse to hug James tighter. Even though the rain bit, I wasn’t cold, James had his Sign wrapped around us both, sometimes I even leaned back when he felt too hot, letting the wind cool me. I could tell he was driving faster to entertain me, he knew I wouldn’t be frightened and I silently thanked him for the thrill. I felt like I was flying.

I felt a prick of disappointment when we reached the entrance to the woods, knowing my time was up, but I was exhausted. All the activity from the day, all the energy I'd spent fighting the hunters and the emotional drain of meeting with Jevin had caught up to me. I expected to fall into bed and be asleep within moments, my body was almost too weary to make it up the stairs. But then I couldn’t sleep, I just sat on my bed, looking out the window at the rain as it turned to sleet then snow. I glanced to the clock a few times, but even the numbers creeping closer to dawn couldn't make my mind still.

Just as I decided to lay back until morning, even if I didn’t sleep, a quiet knock came through my door. I assumed it was Kael and wrapped a blanket around myself hastily as I walked to answer. I swung the door open and was shocked to see James on the other side, not my puppy-companion. I let out a little gasp as the embarrassment hit and I wrapped the blanket around myself a little more modestly.

James’ eyes widened when he saw my makeshift ensemble, but quickly wiped the look from his face. He glanced down to his feet though, in an uncharacteristically shy way, before speaking.

“Sorry to wake you, I thought you might be having trouble sleeping after the night you’ve had. It took me awhile to sleep after my first, well, my first _real_ battle…um, as an adult, or on my own. I’m going back to the city tonight. I had a vision…would you like to join me?”

Up until his last sentence James’ eyes had avoided mine, or me in general, but he looked at me as he asked me to join. It gave me a giddy jolt and I couldn’t help but smile. I had to remind myself to keep a tight hold on the blanket. I felt my cheeks flush at just the idea of it slipping. James saw the blush and looked away again.

“Yes, just give me a minute to, well to get-“

“Clothes, yeah, of course. I’ll just be downstairs. Take your-“

“Time, okay. I’ll only be a minute. I’ll be right-“

“Down, yeah, got it…bye.”

“Yeah, bye.”

James turned on his heel and swiftly walked down the hall as I closed the door. I mentally kicked myself for stammering and sounding so silly until I replayed the conversation and realized I hadn’t been the only one looking like a fool. I had never seen James so nervous, so normal, so human? I had never seen his arrogant or aloof shield so completely missing. I smiled the whole three minutes it took me to throw on warm clothes for our outing.

By the time I walked down the stairs James seemed to have collected himself again. He was casually leaning on the far wall, looking off into space. I wondered what he was thinking of and I wished I could see him like this more often; relaxed, not feeling like he was being watched, judged, just _being_ , not acting. A moment later he noticed me on the stairs and nodded me down.

“Still want your knives?” He said to fill the silence as I walked to him.

I nodded, I already felt attached. They were at my side and I rubbed my thumb down them fondly. James saw and pulled his sleeve back, revealing the knives I had gotten glimpses of so many times but never really had a good look at. He had a sly little smile on his face, like a mischievous child showing something he treasured.

“I’m glad you like your weapons, it’s good to have an expertise. Kael has his staffs, his ‘clubs’ he calls them, Nevaeh has her whip…and I, I have these.” He held them out to showcase them better.

“My father didn’t approve of anything Humans could make…he thought weapons were bulky and unnecessary. But he still trained me with almost every kind, and he used them too, but he looked at them as second-best to our hands, Gifts and nature. I designed these the year I left, tweaked and changed them until they were perfect for me, for what I needed from them.”

Each arm consisted of a single blade laying flat on the back of his hand, maybe five inches past his knuckles when he made a fist. Wrist braces attached them securely to his forearm and it looked like a simple squeeze of his fist would release the knife, shooting it forward to its deadly resting position. He tapped the sides of his wrists together and the blades retracted, hidden up his sleeves once more. He pulled one off, holding it up so I could see. The leather cuff that housed the knife and held it to his forearm was stiff like a light armor, the entire piece a weapon, nothing without a purpose, nothing wasted.

“I can deal anything from a warning nick, to a punch, to a killing blow with these. They aren’t bulky, not easily broken, can’t be dropped or out of reach. I’ve always preferred knives over other options…but I wanted versatility.” He smiled as he looked down almost lovingly at the one he held.

“They’re beautiful.” I said honestly.

Once James described them and why he chose them, they seemed very suited for him, very natural for him, merely a deadly extension of himself. Making _himself_ the weapon. It was fitting.

As I looked at his outstretched arms I noticed something peaking out of his pocket, just barely, his shirt no longer hiding it. My mind immediately grabbed the memory, and I recognized it as the knife from my dreams of his childhood. I wondered if he always had it with him, and I had just never noticed.

“Old habits die hard?” I said when his eyes followed mine to his hip. I saw his hand twitch into the beginnings of a fist, but he caught it in time.

“Just a backup.” He replied casually.

I reached for it, fully expecting him to stop me. He caught my hand halfway to him with his un-knifed hand, but that’s what I had wanted. I turned his arm until the top was visible. I couldn’t believe I had never seen them before, probably because of the other thin, white scars spider-webbing his hands and arms, but there they were in perfect, neat lines. I looked up into his face to see an unhappy downturn of his mouth and worry in his eyes.

“When did you see these things? I realized you knew more than I had ever told you when you…mentioned things after Jev’s. Did you use your Gift? Look into my past?”

He sounded almost angry now, and I quickly answered, not wanting him to think that of me, that I would try to steal his past from him.

“When I slept in your room…I dreamt it. I saw you when you were younger, when you burned yourself. I didn’t know how exactly to tell you, I didn’t mean to see anything, and I didn’t even know if the dreams were real.”

I realized I was still holding his hand awkwardly and I almost dropped it, but then I remembered the seventh line, his last punishment. I rubbed my finger over it, just like he had in the dream. I brushed my fingers over the others slowly.

“Lucy, Eric, Dale, the new servant girl, Madeline, and then your punishments…what was this one? I never got that far.” I asked quietly, even though no one was around to overhear.

His jaw tightened at my words and I saw a flash of anger pass behind his eyes, but it wasn’t for me, it was for his father and the terrible things he had made him do, all the people he had made him kill, how he had twisted his son’s mind until murder seemed natural. Then James dropped his eyes to the ground.

“My father liked beauty. I was a pretty child.”

His words came out bitterly and I was unprepared to answer. I had never imagined, the thought had never even come to my mind.

Instead of replying I just nodded, letting him know he didn’t need to explain further, suddenly feeling like I shouldn’t have asked. His eyes met mine then and he seemed to push the memories away.

“It’s in the past.”

I nodded again, not knowing what to say until my eyes dropped to his neck, to the line that so closely mirrored my own.

“And this?”

I moved my hand to the scar, gingerly running my finger down its edge.

“I thought it happened that night, the last night I saw…I don’t know why I thought that, I had a feeling I guess.”

“It was that night. I got it the same way you got yours.” He replied softly.

I looked into his eyes, shocked once again.

“I tried to kill myself that night,” His eyes dropped to the lines on his hand before he continued, “but he wouldn’t let me die. I was too _valuable_ to him.” He spit the last words out like they burned and I let my hand fall from the scar.

“You are valuable, just not in the way he wanted you to be. I’m glad he made you live.”

He gave a weak smile.

“That makes one of us.”

I returned his sad smile for a moment before I held his hand once more, turning it over so his wrist faced me, looking at all the scars there and on his forearm.

“Do they all have stories?”

He chuckled at this, the tension around us shattering at the appearance of his smile, his head dipping a second later, so his hair hid his face.

“They all have at least a small story, they would probably bore you though.”

“I bet we could find some interesting ones.” I said, a real smile at my lips. He returned it almost in the same capacity. It was beautiful.

“Ahem. Cough cough. Wheeze.” Came an amused voice from the stairs.

James pulled his hand from mine quickly and took a small step back as he cleared his throat.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep, Kael.” He said without looking to the staircase.

I found it strange how his actions could seem so nervous, while his voice was still just as calm as ever. I smirked slightly as I looked up to Kael, who was beaming back at me.

“Yeah, what exactly are you doing up, Spike?” I echoed James’ question.

“Shouldn’t you two take this to the bedroom?” He quipped back.

“Speaking of bedrooms, why don’t you go to yours?” James replied good-naturedly.

“I’m not a kid, you can’t send me to my room just because mom and pop wanna get it on."

Kael’s face slowly took on a serious look as he came down the rest of the stairs.

“Actually, I’m up because…I had a bad feeling, so I couldn’t sleep.” Kael gave James a poignant look at this, like he expected him to know what he meant.

“Are you going out tonight?” He nodded to the bag at James’ feet, taking our clothes into consideration with a quick glance.

“I had a vision.” Was all James replied.

“Then I’m coming.” Kael said with finality in his voice. “And I’m getting Nevaeh too.”

James looked at Kael for a moment before nodding, an odd look on his face.

“I’m taking my bike, meet you at Cross and Division in twenty minutes, back of the graveyard, East corner. I didn’t see much and I don’t really know what to expect, but there’s a woman being chased, Darkling I think. I have a feeling I have to be there. I think whoever’s hunting her is the one Ace’s group was cleaning up after. We have some time before she’ll be there, but I’m leaving now.” He turned to me.

“I’ll fill you in on the drive.”

I had to hide my smile; I was riding with him.

s

Ten minutes later we were flying down the wet streets for the second time that night, any thought of feeling tired was long gone from my body. I hugged James, my hands around his warm waist as we sped along, a smile on my face.

Everything was perfect for once. James and I seemed to be understanding each other better, he was changing, softening, becoming more human, more real. He seemed to be trusting me and being more open with me, it was wonderful. I had found my Sign, I could feel it even as we rode down the streets, inside me, just waiting to be summoned. I had finally fought with the clan, and fought well. I had come clean about the Fallen in my dreams and the ropes of guilt and worry were gone. I hadn’t even noticed how my guilt had been wearing away at me, but now I felt free. This was how life should feel. This was where I was meant to be.

I still had questions, but I no longer felt like I couldn’t speak with James about them. We were a team, he would help me find the answers I needed, and I knew he would continue to change, that his changes were because of me, that I was breaking down his walls. He wasn’t just a challenge, just a game for me to crack, he was my other half, my pair, in the truest meaning of the word. I had worried we could never be close, that he wouldn’t let us be, but I was seeing the glimmer of something promising, and deep down I knew what was to come would be beautiful. I laid my cheek against his back and watched the world spin by as we made our way into an older portion of the city.

James squeezed my leg to get my attention before tapping his temple. I opened my Gift in response and was amazed to see how much easier it was to feel his mind, like floodgates had been opened that were previously only letting trickles squeeze through the cracks. I felt his body tense against mine as he felt the new connection as well.

_Feels different to you too?_

I asked, wondering if he would have an explanation for why.

_Maybe…maybe we’re getting closer._

An image of myself flashed before my eyes. An image of what James had seen right after he kissed me; me standing in the rain, a mixture of emotions on my face, looking at him as he looked at me. I smiled into his shoulder as I laid my head back down.

_Maybe. Or maybe you’re losing your edge, Wolf. Maybe you’re going soft._

I replied teasingly.

_I haven’t been able to block you for a long time, Angel, not truly. So if that means I’m losing my edge then it’s been dull for a while._

I shivered at the feeling of his mind in mine and I felt something like a smile cross his mind before he continued in a more serious tone.

_I don’t think you know everything about Ace, his clan was covering up bodies for me. Someone has been hunting down Darkling women, and girls. They were branding them with the Spoken symbol of revenge. It’s meant for me. I don’t know who or why, but the message is meant for me._

_The killings started after our clan returned to the city, when we were looking for the original murderer. I used to burn Spoken into some of the assignments my father gave me before I killed them. I didn’t have any reason to, just mixing my different lessons; Spoken, my Sign…torture. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not proud of much of my life before I left. I think someone from my past, a family member or friend of one of the women I killed is taking vengeance, not just on me, but on my entire race. I haven’t been able to find anything out, no leads, no one’s seen anything. I didn’t want the information to slip to the city and send it into panic, and I knew no one would report a missing Darkling anyways – we don’t pull Humans into our affairs often, even for our children – so I employed Ace to clean up and hide the bodies. I have a feeling this vision will finally get me close to the killer, to the one trying to punish me for whoever I took from them._

_You don’t plan on killing them then?_

My mind was spinning with what he had said, and I knew he was looking for any sign of judgment from me, any sign that I was disgusted with who he had been. But I wasn’t, I understood more than he knew. I had seen it in my dream and I couldn’t blame him, even if he blamed himself.

_I plan on keeping my head and seeing if they can be saved. If I took someone from them and caused this, then it’s my fault for everything they’ve done. I plan to warn the woman in my vision, and then I plan to try and reason with whoever this hunter is. I don’t think they’re Human. I can’t imagine a Human being able to take down so many of our kind, but whatever they are, I’ll give them a chance to leave and never kill again._

_You don’t owe them anything. They did this on their own, of their own choice, you didn’t make them kill all those women. Even if you did take someone from them, you can’t pardon them and take the blame yourself. It’s not your fault._

_I’m not pardoning them any real crime; they killed Darklings, they killed monsters._

_You know you don’t believe that. If you did we wouldn’t be going to save one of them right now. Human’s aren’t always good…and we aren’t always evil. They killed children, that’s enough for me._

We pulled up to an old cemetery and James half-turned to me.

“I killed children too, and women, and men, and families. I killed monsters, Darklings, Demons and Humans alike, it didn’t matter to me. You think I’m so irrational for not judging Kael for what he’s done when I judge myself, but yet you’re doing the same thing right now. You’re finding excuses for all the things I did because I was forced into it, or raised to not see what I was doing, but you condemn whoever is going after these women without even listening to why. The only person I blame for these deaths is myself. I ruin people, and I can’t ignore that. I can’t wash my hands and pretend I didn’t have everything to do with the trail of broken people I've left behind. I have enough guilt in my past to send me to Hell many times over, and if I can take this from them, it doesn’t really change my sentence, now does it?”

He slid off the bike and offered me a hand which I ignored, swinging my leg over on my own.

“I disagree. An eye for an eye is one thing…but an eye for the eye of anyone who resembles the first sinner is ridiculous, and you know so. Nevaeh didn’t go out and kill every Darkling after her parents were killed, or her sister. You didn’t kill every father after he killed your mother. Kael didn’t go on a hunt after Ambriel’s death. You forgive others of their horrors because you can’t see past your own. You only see what you want, that you’re evil and soulless, so everyone else pales in comparison. If you don’t kill whoever is in there-” I gestured to the graveyard behind me- “then I will.”

“I won’t stop you, just let me talk to them first, to see if it's really my fau- to see if my actions influenced them.” He changed his words when I opened my mouth to object, but I snapped it shut and nodded as a dark SUV pulled up and Kael and a disgruntled, sleepy-looking Nevaeh got out.

“Good, we didn’t miss this party. Let’s go.” Kael said happily, like we were going to spend a day at the beach, not about to walk into a dark, cold, wet cemetery at six in the morning.

“The devil him-fucking-self better be in there if you felt the need to drag me from bed, brother.” Nevaeh spat at Kael as she strutted past, a bow strapped to her back, her quiver at her hip full of arrows. James rolled his eyes at her, which seemed uncharacteristic of him, before leading the group under the wrought iron gates into the graveyard.

The cemetery quickly sunk lower, like the deeper you went in, the closer to Hell you got. I usually liked cemeteries, but this one had an air about it, something heavy and dark. I tried to shake the feeling. I saw Kael shiver and shake out his arms, like he was trying to rid himself of the same before he sped up to walk next to James. He leaned in and whispered something, something in Spoken I still didn’t understand enough to decipher. James slowed before holding an arm out to halt Nevaeh and I. The fog crept up all around us and I felt ice crawl up my legs. The chill of the place reminded me of Jevin, of death. James turned back to face me while Kael stayed facing forward in a stance that seemed much too aggressive to simply be lookout.

_Do you feel it? Can you feel anyone here?_

I had never tried to see how far my Gift went, how far I could sense someone’s mind, but I tried to focus on the darkness before me, visualizing sending my Gift out like a spotlight. And then I felt something, just a small disturbance in the nothingness around us, but it was definitely a mind, like a candle fighting to be seen. I nodded in the direction, unable to get any definitive thoughts from my current distance. James turned and strode into the darkness, we quickly followed.

A shadowed mausoleum loomed ahead of us, a dark shape collapsed in a heap by one corner. James broke into a run as soon as he saw the figure, dropping to his knees when he was within arm’s length. He gently turned the woman over to see a heavy gag shoved in her mouth. He pulled it out and breathed Angel names over her as he untied her hands and she greedily gasped in breaths. Nevaeh was hanging back, but Kael and I were right behind James, looking down at the woman, waiting for her to catch her breath and speak, but then something in her mind snagged, something caught my Gift’s attention. When she looked up at James her eyes turned black.

“I’m sorry.” She said with a needled smile.

A moment later a bullet ricocheted off the stone above our heads and I found myself standing in front of James, my knives in either fist. Nevaeh was facing where the shot had come from as well, her whip coiled at her feet, ready to strike out into the darkness at the first sign of movement. Kael was half-turned towards the woman, half the darkness the threat seemed to be coming from…but James was still facing the woman we had just saved, staring down at her. His blade appeared from his sleeve, its tip just an inch from her throat.

“What have you done? What have _I_ done?” He said quietly, almost too low for me to hear.

In one smooth movement the woman fell back to the ground in a pile reminiscent of how she had just been, blood spurting from her open neck, pooling onto the concrete before streaming into the grass. James turned then to face a dark figure materializing out of the mist before us. It was then that I felt them, at least five other minds circling us, surrounding us. I sent the thought to James, but he didn’t reply, his eyes were locked dead on the man before us.

His eyes were a bright blue, with medium blonde hair cut short and neat. He had the face of a politician, pleasant and handsome, nothing unique in it. He looked like any business man, any CEO…but something about him seemed slimy, something made me dislike him immediately, on a gut level. He smiled broadly and I knew he was a snake. I held my position in front of James, though I didn’t see a gun.

The man raised his arms out to either side, like he was welcoming us, but then his eyes moved to the woman draining on the ground by James, her blood reaching our feet, and his smile turned down.

“You killed my assistant. Not very diplomatic.”

James stepped out from behind me, ignoring the look I gave him before he spoke.

“I don’t tie up my associates, usually.” He said amiably, a practiced, sly smile playing with the corners of his mouth, but his eyes were deadly, his entire body tensed, ready to release in the blink of an eye. Something buried in his voice sounded strange. And I quickly realized he was frightened, not just frightened, he was terrified.

“Well it’s no great blow to me, now I won’t have to share any of the glory when I deliver you to your father. He misses you so.”


	35. Chapter 35

**This is where your vision starts, where your visions starts to blur.**

**Have you ever thought of giving up on what you love the most?**

**Did you forget about the ones that you would hurt?**

**Just a few more seconds then the pain will be gone.**

_In Fear and Faith - The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions_

 

Four more figures began to take shape out of the fog; a quad. I could sense their bonds. My mind couldn’t concentrate on theirs though, my thoughts were swimming as I tried to understand what the man in front of us was saying. James’ father was dead. Was he threatening us? Saying he was going to send James to Hell to be reunited with the monster he had grown up with? My questions were answered a moment later.

“You’re new family looks shocked, Gabriel? Don’t tell me you haven’t been honest with them? You were always such a truthful boy.”

He paused to look at our faces, and I took the opportunity to do the same. James looked sick now, no longer a mask of calm control. A mix of fear and hatred was so blatant on his face he looked like a different person. His eyes held the same look as an animal whose paw's caught in a trap, desperately looking for an escape.

“Come with me without a fight and I won’t have to kill your friends…I still will, of course, but at least I won’t _have_ to. So I’ll enjoy it more. Except her.” His eyes settled on me, the grin returning to his lips. “He wants her as well. In fact, I hear you’re a bit of a package deal here of late.”

He nodded to one of the Darkling’s that had appeared from the darkness, she raised a gun, pointing it directly at my chest. The man looked back to James after a short pause.

“You can’t win, not this time, child. Come without needless injuries, your father will be upset if I have to hurt you. That's his pleasure, not mine, and I don’t want to kill her, but I will if you make me. You’re more important to him than she is."

The man looked like he very much wanted to kill me, but James wasn’t even looking at him, his eyes were glued on the gun in the woman’s hands, his jaw clenched.

_How fast can you make a shield?_

My mind was still spinning and for the first time, his presence didn’t calm it. Who was Gabriel? And who was this man before us? It certainly sounded like James’ father was very much alive. I felt the claws of betrayal run down my back, squeezing my heart and making each breath painful. I knew James could feel my mind, everything directed at him, I knew he understood every doubt I was battling, but I didn’t answer his question, instead I just looked over at him, all my questions on my face.

_I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, Angel._

And then he was gone.

One moment he was standing next to me, the next he was across the grass in front of the man. I heard a gun fire in the same moment my Shift ripped out of me. I called my Sign and hastily threw it up before me, but it wasn’t strong enough. I hadn’t had enough time to pack it and I felt the bullet tear into my shoulder, right beneath my collarbone, barely off from my heart. The pain rippled down my arm and across my chest, but my wind had softened the shot and it was barely an inch in my flesh. My entire arm burned, but I ran for one of the men coming for James’ open back as he attacked and dodged and countered the man whose eyes were now just as black as my own, as James’. A moment later I heard Kael and Nevaeh running for the others too.

I made it to the man just in time before he brought his razored brass-knuckles down on James’ back. He was almost as large as Kael, but unfortunately he was quicker. I sensed someone behind me a second before I felt the blow. I tried to turn my body with the hit, to lessen its effect, but he was too quick. I stumbled back from the force, but kept my position between James and the men, my Shift snarled through my teeth as I turned to fully face my opponents, my back brushing James' for a moment.

The two men started to circle, trying to split my attention. Instead of waiting for their move, I ran, jumping over tombstones and dodging wilted potted plants. The men took the bait and gave chase, thinking I was trying to escape. I felt a glimmer of hope come to life in my chest at this small victory; at least I had gotten them away from the others. Now if they realized it wouldn’t take two to beat me, one would have a long way to go to find another opponent to double-team, and hopefully in the time it would take him to get back to the main group, Nevaeh or Kael or James would see and not be surprised.

The first man, the one with the metal knuckles, gained and swung at me but I dodged it easily, pulling my knife across his stomach as I ducked and spun away. I heard my blade hiss into him, but he merely gave a quiet grunt. Then the next was upon me, he pulled a sword from its sheath on his back and swung it at me. I had to duck so quickly I dropped to my knees for a moment, but the second I did I felt myself sink in, as if the ground was giving away beneath me, just slightly, but enough to throw off my timing. I tried to scramble back to my feet quickly, but the dirt disintegrated, running from me, like sand on a dune. The man with the sword brought his knee up into the side of my head and I flew back, seeing stars.

The first man, with the brass knuckles, chuckled and turned towards the rest of his quad, jogging back to where the larger fight was raging on. I couldn’t get my eyes to look straight, but I felt my Sign begging to be released. I focused on the large man’s shoulders as he made his way farther and farther from me, and then I sent out my command. _Leave_. The man stopped his run and grabbed at his chest, he spun around to look back to his comrade, who I assumed must have been the Air of their group, just like I assumed the breathless was the Earth, to have moved the ground beneath me. But his partner was too busy looking down at me on the ground before him. I tried to take on a look of fear as he came closer, of helplessness, but in reality I was just waiting for him to get close enough, and praying he didn’t look back to his friend who was now stumbling towards us, a look of panic on his face as his chest began to convulse from its lack of air.

I let my eyes attempt to poorly focus on the man with the sword until he stood over me, blinking only half-feigned disorientation from my eyes. He grabbed me by the hair and pulled me into a half-seated position with a sneer on his face. He grabbed one wrist and pulled it behind my back roughly, apparently not expecting any more of a fight from me, instead I sprung up at him and brought the knife in my opposite hand down into his back as he leaned over me. I felt it glance off his spine and turned the angle away from the bone before pulling it back, slicing as much muscle and as close to the nerve as I could on its way out. The man yelled but I lost the hold on my Sign and a second later the larger man barreled into me and his pair, pushing us all to the ground in a heap. The man with the knife wound in his back was writhing on the ground, trying to regain his footing and muttering Angel words for strength and blood, but I rolled onto him and sliced down from the center of his neck to just above his stomach and then horizontally over his throat, making a crude cross in deep gashes on his front before I was pulled off by the man with the razored knuckles.

I felt his blow before I ever saw it, his sharpened joints cut into the side of my face as he hit me, flinging me away from his friend who was now sputtering on the blood filling his throat. I pulled the air from him just like I had to his pair a moment earlier. I saw his eyes bulge as he attempted to pull air into his burning lungs and I felt his Sign warring with mine. I used this to my advantage, just as Kael had taught me. _Always use your opponent’s momentum and strengths to your own end._

Kael had lectured me over and over again that I wouldn’t always be the fastest, or the strongest, but I could always be the smartest. I silently thanked him as I pushed air into the man as strongly as I could at the exact moment he pulled his Sign into himself as well. The result was deadly. I felt my wind fill him, following my command perfectly, and I felt even more rush into him under his control, and then more, and more. I felt the pressure building, and then there was nowhere for it to go. I felt his lungs burst, his heart torn from the impact, as he stilled on the ground, his chest distorted in a disgusting bulge before the air leaked from his slit throat and opened mouth with a quiet hiss.

An arrow whizzed through the air, landing harmlessly to the right of my shoulder. I glanced up just in time to see Nevaeh docking another, aiming for the razored man. She had a dead woman at her feet, her head almost completely severed from her body, her hand still twitching. The man with the metal knuckles turned just in time to see another arrow coming for him, but he merely turned one shoulder to dodge it. I took the opportunity to grab the one sticking out of the ground near me and when he turned back I was already on my feet. I faked an over-zealous punch with my knife hand and waited for his counter. As soon as his right arm began to move towards me I stabbed the arrow into his left eye, shoving it as far into the socket as I could. White, thick liquid and blood streamed down my hand as I twisted the point, grinding it into his skull. He screamed and staggered back but I kept pace with him. I saw a low tombstone a step behind him and shoved the center of his chest back. As he lost his footing I let go of the arrow and moved my hands to either side of his head, twisting with all my strength. I heard the snap as his body went slack.

I felt a moment of release, something like joy as I saw the work I had done; two men, two Darklings dead at my feet, their blood slowly seeping into the cold ground. Then I ran back to the others, muttering any numbing or strengthening words that came to mind. I felt the pain slowly subside, but I knew it would be back with a vengeance soon.

Nevaeh and Kael were fighting the woman who originally had the gun, but it was nowhere to be found by the time I approached them. Nevaeh flipped and spun, trying to distract the woman as much as possible, using her small throwing knives as daggers and leaving trails of shallow cuts whenever she had the chance, while Kael blocked and protected his pair, using his bulk and power to overwhelm the woman. They were moving so fast, with flurries of hits and dodges, their black eyes flashing. The woman was impressive and every movement of hers was timed perfectly to lessen each blow from her opponents. It was beautiful in a way, but I could already see the end, the woman knew it too; she was going to die. She fought well regardless of her fate. The only person I had ever seen take on two fighters at once with more grace than the woman...was James. James. His name struck my mind like a bolt of lightning as I turned to look for him, but he was nowhere to be seen, neither was the man he had been fighting.

I  couldn't see him, but I could  feel his rage and fear and hate. I felt raw emotions that tore and dug at my humanity, and then it was all gone. My second Shift came over me like flames devouring oil, but it had come on its own, called by James’ emotions in my mind instead of my own need. The world turned red and I needed blood to mirror it, to match it. I needed it like I had never needed anything before in my life. I felt what James did and it was the most terrifying, stunning, damning feeling the world could offer. I ran to the other side of the mausoleum to find my Pair and the man ensnared in a battle like I had never seen.

The woman fighting Kael and Nevaeh no longer seemed impressive compared to the feat before me. James had his knives and the man had something like metal claws pointing past his fingers, but neither really seemed to be using their weapons, neither really seemed to be able to get a solid hit in. James would dodge a deadly blow and return his own in one fluid movement, but the man seemed to already be expecting it. Each man was trying to figure the other out, and each was succeeding. James didn’t have any trace of a smile on his face, like he did when we were fighting the hunters or sparring, no amusement, no cocky smirk. He had a deadly coldness in his black eyes instead, a hate I couldn’t even fathom. A snarl pulled at his lips, revealing his pointed teeth, and I realized how rarely I saw them, how rarely he showed them, Shifted or not, but now they were bared like an animal’s. They glistened with blood from one of the hits the man had landed. I felt my stomach quiver at the sight.

James spun away in perfect time, just out of the man’s reach. I could tell he was expecting the man to follow, but at the exact same time the man turned from James too, towards me. James had too much distance to stop him and the man was before me in the blink of an eye, quicker than any creature from this world was supposed to move, but my Shift was ready. I was ready. I faked a step back and the man followed me like I had expected, but as soon as my heel tapped the ground behind me I sprang forward. I heard James’ yell, his warning, too late. I wasn’t fast enough, or the man had only pretended to fall for my fake, but the moment my knife came up from my side his hand was around my wrist.

I heard it snap as the pain hit, James flinched as if he had felt it, or maybe just the noise was enough to make him imagine what I felt. I gasped in a breath as the man squeezed, grinding my splintered bones until they broke the skin. I felt the hot bite of pain run up my arm, mingling with my other injuries and making my head swim.  It wasn’t the most painful thing I had ever felt since the clan, but it was enough to make me wince and with the blood I had already lost, I suddenly felt light-headed. That split second was all he needed along with his incredible speed. He spun me into him with my injured arm pulled behind my back and his clawed hand around my throat, using me as a shield as James approached.

“Let her go, Juda. I know you’re bluffing. My father wants us both, he’ll be angry if you kill her just to provoke me.”

James’ eyes were still dark pits, but it didn’t matter, I could see his emotions regardless. He had ugly gashes running across his chest from where I assumed he hadn’t been able to dodge the entirety of one of Juda’s attack. It was then that I felt the warmth running down my back. Juda was bleeding too, I could smell it, and from the speed of the warmth’s spread, he was losing more blood than James.

“Oh, he would be, certainly, if I killed her just to piss off his precious, little prince, but not if she dies in the process of capturing you. It’ll be easier to break you without her living anyways, though less fun.”

I heard the man’s voice right by my ear, but I couldn’t move in his hold. I felt his grasp on my neck tighten and the points of his metal gloves dug into my skin. James’ jaw flexed as I felt my blood begin to run.

Kael and Nevaeh appeared from around the edge of the mausoleum in perfect time to diffuse the situation, at least momentarily. Their eyes were still dark as they stopped in their tracks, seeing the hostage situation they had just walked into.

“Oh good, everyone’s here. Took you long enough to take out my little protégés, but they served as decent distractions, which was their only purpose. That’s why I’m here actually, because of the weakening of our race. Weak blood is hardly worth anything, just our pawns, right Gabriel? Darklings are becoming too soft, their blood too diluted with all the Human filth. Most can’t even imagine what a true Darkling is capable of. We were meant to be gods of the Earth! Yet we’re nothing more than common criminals in most cases. Darklings are nothing compared to what we could be, what we _should_ be. I'm a quarter, and my humanity disgusts me…but Eighths, Sixteenths, Thirty-Seconds? Despicable! Pathetic! Anything less doesn’t even count. I can smell the shit in your clan members’ veins from here.”

I heard the venom rise in his voice as Juda nodded to where Kael and Nevaeh stood.

“You understand this more than most though, don’t you Gabriel? You’ve seen your father, his strength, his power. I was in awe of him the first time we met, and I thought _I_ was powerful, but I’m nothing compared to him, compared to you. His little _dark prince_ , though I heard you go by King now. The Darke King, I like the sound of that, it has a nice ring. You’ll be a great addition to his army.”

I heard the smile in the man’s voice now as I felt his breath on my neck.

“You’ve grown up wonderfully, by the way. Sorry we couldn’t meet under more amiable circumstances. I think of you as close to a nephew. I don’t like the hair though, blonde doesn’t suit you.”

Sarcasm dripped from the man’s voice, mocking familiarity and I saw James’ hand ball at his side, shaking with fury.

“It’s been almost nine years. And I must say I’m impressed by your skills; your father won’t be, but I am. He’ll say you should have been able to beat me without even trying. Being captured by someone half the potency of yourself, well, he’ll find that embarrassing. Hopefully he will be so pleased to have you back that he’ll be lenient on your punishment. I suspect your training will be relentless, to bring you to where you should be by this age, but you remember how it was…how it will be again.”

I heard Nevaeh’s sharp intake of breath as Juda made it clear what I had been expecting but dreading ever since his first mention of James’ father, that James was the son of a Fallen, an Angel, a monster. The noise didn’t escape Juda’s detection and I almost heard the stretch of his skin as I’m sure he smiled widely behind my ear.

“Oh, don’t tell me you kept your heritage a secret? Are you ashamed of your power? Or were you just trying to play pretend? Trying to make believe that you were good, the mercy instead of the judgment. Pathetic. You should be ashamed, but not of your bloodline, of your twisted idea of what is desirable! Your father has his work cut out for him, but he always was good at making you see reason, wasn’t he? This will be a happy homecoming indeed.”

James’ snarl grew on his face, but I was more captured by the look on Kael’s. He looked as if he had been stabbed, as if James was still holding the knife to his brother’s back, twisting it just to see what he could take. I felt his mind too, and Nevaeh’s, both teeming with hurt, and betrayal. I searched James then, his pain and anger, and the underlying fear that he would have to return to his father, that I would die, that Kael and Nevaeh would be left alone and discarded and betrayed. That even if I lived, if we all did, that we would hate him, but more so, I felt his fear that _I_ would hate him like he already hated himself.

“If I come with you, if I leave willingly…you have to let them go. That’s my deal. You’re alone now, you need my compliance.” James ground out the words through his daggered teeth, eyes flashing with rage. I felt the man’s grip tighten again, out of what I assumed was excitement and he quickly agreed to James’ demand, but even though I couldn’t break into his mind, I knew he was lying.

“No, he wo-“

The man tore his hand across my neck, dragging his fingers down into my skin and cutting me off, but he didn’t let me fall, still holding me against him. In a flash I was ripped from his grasp and thrown to the ground as James appeared before us, using Juda’s momentary distraction to his advantage. I caught myself before hitting the ground but couldn’t find the strength to stand. I turned in time to see the fight raging behind me.

All James’ anger seemed to erupt as he attacked, but unlike last time, Juda was no match for him now. The flash of metal came away red with each strike from James and soon the man stumbled back, one arm up in weak surrender. James stalked forward, standing before his defeated opponent, his shoulders heaving, his teeth bared, before kicking him back. He advanced on him again, bringing his knife down on Juda’s shoulder, leaving a deep split, then he pushed his other into his gut, piercing him with his dagger and dragging it down and across his abdomen. The smell of blood in the air changed to the stink of guts as Juda stumbled back once more, barely keeping his feet beneath him.

I adjusted my arm beneath me, trying to push myself up but a bolt of pain ran down my body, making me drop back to the cold grass. A moment later Kael was by my side breathing out strength names and Spoken healing words. I felt the pain swell a moment before it began to slowly lessen, as if it was trying to fight the heals.

James looked over, seeming to remember that we were still there, but his face was no longer his, or it was, but different. I stared into his soulless eyes and he into mine. I felt my Shift sink into me and my eyes slowly showed the world for how it really was again, but his eyes stayed black and cold and empty, devoid of whatever little shreds of humanity he usually had. The anger was still on his face, a hellish look like he was the devil himself.

I suddenly realized his hair was black, his glamour faltered or forgotten as he fought. Even in the dark of the mausoleum’s shadow I could see the change, even without my Shift’s heightened senses I saw it and I knew the others would too. It was then that I realized what else looked wrong about him; something like blood streamed from his eyes, a dark red-black liquid stained his cheeks. It was difficult to tell where Juda’s blood ended and the dark liquid began, but I knew it wasn’t all from the fight.

For the first time, James looked evil to me, not dark and beautiful, not broken but magnificent…just evil. Evil and disgusting and damned. His eyes slowly lightened to their dark blue, but it didn't matter, the evil stayed. James turned back to Juda, who seemed to have collected himself.

His arm hung uselessly at his side, blood dripping from his fingertips rhythmically. His hair was matted with it and he held his intact arm wrapped around the gash in his middle, as if holding his organs inside his body. He had a bloody smirk on his face, lips split, teeth painted dark pink from the tinge of blood mixed with spit. His eyes flickered between his Shifted form and Human, darkening to black before lightening again to sky blue. He swayed slightly as he stood, as if he might fall to the ground at any moment.  As disturbing a sight as he was, it wasn’t his bloody body that stuck with me, it was his demeanor. Even with his clearly mortal wounds he stood as if he had won. His smile wasn’t that of one defeated, accepting of his fate, or even a fearful grimace of pain, it was the smile of triumph, like this had been his plan all along.

James walked forward stiffly, not meeting any of our eyes, no longer looking at me, instead he kept his gaze locked on his prey. His lip twitched up with rage before he spoke.

“I almost wish you could live, to tell your _master_ what is coming. To tell him his time is short and I’m coming for him…that I’m coming home.” James spoke in a rough voice, like dragging skin over sandpaper. He spit the word ‘home’, letting the mockery linger in the cold, still night air.

“You think this is a victory, Gabriel? This is just a small sacrifice for the Collector, I will still have my reward. His true followers don’t stay dead for long. He’ll bring me back, he promised. He has my soul, and not even Hell can keep me from him now.”

The man sounded sure, confident. I felt my Shift lurch, how pathetic and weak, relying on the promises of another, laying down your life as a pawn because you were naïve enough to believe you would rise again. I would never trust my life to another…never again.

The bitterness began to set in as I realized I had been willing to lay down my life for James, for someone who had lied and deceived and betrayed his entire clan, his entire family. I saw James’ shoulders tense as my thoughts reached him, but I was glad, I hoped it hurt. I hoped he knew the hate I felt. I hoped he understood that his lies were finally too much for me. That I wouldn’t blindly follow him, I wouldn’t be his pawn anymore.

“You’re a fool for believing him. Take it from me, my father’s a liar.”

James was now glaring at the man, the dagger from his pocket in his fist, his knuckles white around it, his entire arm shaking slightly with the force of his grasp. His signature weapons were retracted, just the dagger from my dream in his hand. The man’s face almost imperceptibly changed, a look of doubt in the line between his eyes appeared just for a moment before it smoothed.

James continued.

“You think you’re important? That he’ll use whatever means he needs to bring you back when you couldn’t even beat his pathetic, runaway son? You said it yourself! You’re a Fourth, he hates you, he hates your blood, he hates anything that isn’t pure. Why would he waste his energy pulling your soul from Hell's depths when you couldn’t even capture me? You’re as good as damned.”

I saw the man swallow back fear before his eyes shifted to me and then Nevaeh. He visibly calmed when they swept over Kael.

“I may have not brought you to him, but I’ve taken all your power. You’re nothing without your clan. I may not have plunged a knife into your heart, but I don’t have to, your secrets will destroy you all on their own. I exposed you. The poison’s already running rampant in your family. I was the first domino in your fall, boy. I don’t have to see you on your knees to know we’ve won. It’s just a matter of time. Join your father or not, live by his side or die by your family’s hand. It doesn’t matter. You’ll lose, you’ve already lost. I beat you.”

The man threw his head back and laughed at the midnight blue of the sky, guts leaking from his middle as he loosened his hold on himself.

“This is more the Collector’s style anyways, isn't it? Letting you suffer and rot all on your own. Letting the ones you love destroy you. It’s a sweeter victory for him that way. And then when you’re weak and alone he’ll come to you. He’s patient, he can wait. You might still fight, but we’ve already won. I won’t die defeated. I’ve done my part.”

The man ended with a twisted smile, his skin had lost its color as his hands and clothing darkened with his blood.

“My Master doesn’t lie, he warned you that love would be your demise. And now look at you? Was he so wrong? _Leave a heart in your chest and it will surely be your death_. You’re weak because you love them, they'll die because you love them, and ultimately you'll lose because you love them, because you refused to burn your heart. You searched for a soul you didn’t possess and look where it got you, you pathetic, stupid boy.”

The smile turned back into a dark, mocking laugh as the man looked up at the sky once more.

 James slowly stalked closer, standing before Juda perfectly still, like a statue. He raised the dagger, his chest rising and falling deeply, his jaw clenched. I could feel his mind burning with hatred as the dark liquid slid down his neck, staining his already filthy shirt. And then his eyes went black, his soul disappeared.

“Get on your knees.”


	36. Epilogue

**They will label you thieves, wolves and whores but,**

**you are nothing less than angels.**

**Cast down and covered in black.**

_La Dispute - Future Wars_

  I heard Kael rise from his spot on the dead grass next to me, but I barely looked up. When he spoke it wasn’t to me.

“You know we should kill you. But you know I can’t.

 He spoke slowly, as if his sorrow was pulling at his mind, making it difficult to form the words he wished to speak. He opened his mouth to say more, but then closed it again and woodenly turned. Nevaeh had fire burning in her eyes, hatred, but I preferred that over the profound sadness Kael’s held. She allowed Kael to lead her away, disappearing into the cemetery’s haze.

And then I was alone with James, or Gabriel, whoever he was. His head hung, his dark hair shielding his face, still sitting on the ground with his knees tucked under him. His shoulders were slumped as he stared at the ground. He almost looked like he was praying, the way his body was hunched over, caved in on itself. The corpse of Juda drained next to him, steam rising from the fresh blood.

I stood and slowly walked over to him, feeling the stiff almost-soreness I always did after a recent healing. I had my knife clenched in my hand, letting the handle bite into my palm. His head turned slightly, but he didn’t raise his eyes to mine. My dream came to mind, of stabbing James, killing him in his room as he slept. Yet another ‘prophecy' come true. I wished it was like my dream, like I wasn't really the one doing it, like I had no choice, but I did, and I would make the right one. Who knew how many lives would be saved by killing the broken, empty shell of a man in front of me, and then myself. He and I were the same.

I realized he wasn’t going to fight me, he didn’t even look like he was going to acknowledge me. He had already given up. A part of me hated him even more for that, for taking the easy way out and letting me execute him because he didn’t have the strength to do it himself, or because he was delusional, still pretending he didn’t need to die, merely allowing it. I hated so much of him. At least that’s what I kept repeating in my mind.

The knife shook in my hand, but I wasn’t about to let my fear stop me. I knelt in front of him, mirroring how he was seated. He dragged his eyes up to mine and the torment I saw in them broke my heart, even my anger couldn’t protect me from it. The raw pain reminded me of the unguarded emotions I had seen in him on his mother’s anniversary, except this was magnified, this was worse. The fear in his every movement reminded me of a child, a beaten animal. I told myself it was an act, that he was just manipulating me like he had from the start. It was the only way I could make myself go through with what I knew I had to do.

To my surprise, James spoke in a quiet voice that matched the torture in his eyes, the fear and despair.

“Kill me, but please, don’t kill yourself. You aren’t like me. You aren’t like anyone I’ve ever known. You can be good, you _are_ good. I know it. I see it. You aren’t like me. Please, please don’t kill yourself.”

His voice begged, but I couldn’t imagine that he actually believed his own words. I was a Half, and he had told me so many times what they were, what we were, that we were fundamentally evil. Saying a Halfling was good was like saying someone with a disease could overcome it by the goodness of their heart. Sounds lovely, the thing of bedtime stories, but it wasn’t real. What we were couldn't be changed, couldn't be saved.

I watched him silently, just like he did to me so often, searching for something in him, for anything, searching for a soul, but there was none, I knew that now. I raised the knife, pointing it at his chest. The blade quivered slightly. The memory of the last time I held a knife to James came flooding back to me and nausea rolled in my stomach. Last time he had been _trying_ to get me to hurt him, and right after was when he had discovered that we were True Pairs. All the memories from my short time with James were crushing me, suffocating me. Every look he had ever given me, every word ever spoken, everything he was to me was tearing me apart.

As I got lost in the memory, James reached forward, wrapping his warm hand, slick with blood, around mine once again. I didn’t fight him this time; this was what I wanted. He lead the knife’s point straight to his heart and I let him. He let go of my hand and laid his in his lap, returning his gaze to the ground, waiting for me to push the knife home.

The memory of Juda’s execution flashed in my mind. I saw his smirk as he fell to his knees in front of James, as my Pair held out the knife from his childhood horrors, as he slowly bent down before his victim and lightly laid the knife’s edge to Juda’s neck. And then in an act of violence that somehow seemed more gruesome than all the other things I had seen James do, he grabbed Juda’s hair, pulling his head back and slid the knife across his throat, digging it in to the hilt.

I glanced to Juda’s corpse laying just a few feet away, the smirk forever frozen on his face, his eyes somehow halfway between his Shifted form and Human, the black much too large to be natural. I was about to do the same to James. I was about to execute him as he sat on his knees before me, wounded from a fight, defeated and indifferent to his own fate. Broken, afraid, weak. Then I would turn the blade on myself. I didn’t want to live in a world without James, no matter what kind of monster he was. I didn’t want to live as the beast I was either. It was better this way. It was the only way.

I knew what to do, and I knew it would be the most difficult thing I ever had to. Killing myself would be so much easier, I almost looked forward to it in comparison, but killing James…it didn’t seem right, even though I knew it was. I tried to make my hand move forward, to push the blade into him, but I couldn’t. Maybe I wasn’t actually trying. My anger began to fall away and no matter how I tried to gather it again, I couldn’t keep it from fading. James _should_ be killed. All Halflings should, but I wasn’t the one to do it. I couldn’t be.

I dropped the knife and bowed my head like him, closing my eyes, but the tears still found their way out.


End file.
